My 14 mo old daughter is turning into a nightmare. She's always been very sensitive, needed a lot of attention and care (pretty bad silent reflux), constantly breastfeed, held/worn all the time, walked/danced to sleep. At 3 mo. I decided to leave my job and become a SAHM because she required constant caretaking (thankfully we could do this). It feels like I devote every minute of every day to trying to get her to be able to sleep, carefully orchestrating feeding times, activities, stimulation, etc to maximize sleep. I keep track, write things down, I study her carefully. She does not show any sleepy signs until overtired, so I go by the clock, but even that is hit or miss. It feels like an art form to get her to sleep. I am worried because stroller walking to sleep is not going to be an option for us anymore once the snow hits. 
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Lately, even with all this, she still cannot get enough sleep to be rested and her behavior is deteriorating. She used to be fairly calm and manageable, even when super tired, but now throws tantrums constantly, is basically acting like a spoiled brat. I know she's just tired, but this doesn't help the toll it's taking on her, on me, on my husband, and on our marriage. Part of this is toddler stuff, but it seems exaggerated by her chronic fatigue. We've been hanging in there, waiting for things to get better, all throughout the first year. My health has been horrible. I have had physical and emotional breakdowns. (Please don't make this about PPD, been there, done that). We fight. No sex. After the last fight, my poor husband ended up on the floor of the closet sobbing. He just can't take it anymore. EVERYTHING I have goes to our daughter.
We have done CIO twice. Once at 5 months I was at the point where I was no longer physically capable of responding to her hourly night wakings, and DH refused to go to her. We believed her reflux was being controlled by the meds, but she was so overtired she screamed constantly whether held, soothed, or not. (We could not co-sleep because she had to sleep at 30 degree incline because of the reflux. And when I tried to sleep with her in her crib on the incline, she fussed and cried and pushed my away.) The CIO was absolutely horrible but very effective. Then we tried it again later (at 8 mo??) and it was equally horrible, not effective at all, and required a good month of working with her to not cry whenever we went in her room. It was that result that has allowed me to stave off my DH's repeated requests for more CIO.
Of course we never wanted to do that. But I was doing every single thing in every parenting book I could find and nothing was working. Pantley was working for a few weeks but the steps were taking so long to achieve (1 half step in about 2 weeks) that whatever progress we made was obliterated by teething episodes, colds, reflux breakthroughs, etc. She is extremely bothered by teething, episodes can last 2-4 weeks. Currently getting incisors in (horrible). She has never accepted a lovey, pacifier, or teether. I am all of these. The doctors say there is nothing medically wrong with her. I used to get her checked out all the time, until the drs said, THERE IS NOTHING PHYSICALLY WRONG WITH THIS CHILD!!!! and then I took her to chiropractor, accupressure, ND. There is nothing wrong with her except that she is very, very sensitive to everything. How much of this is her nature and how much is an exaggerated response to everything because she is so so SO tired? When she is well rested she is an absolute joy. Patient, resourceful, loving, funny, playful, can play independently, pleasantly follows simple rules and directions. Unfortunately I am seeing this less and less.
I have no issues meeting her needs. If I could meet them, I would. But it's not working and as a result in order to get through the days we have developed coping/calming strategies for her. At first I didn't mind (lots of breastfeeding, extra baths, making a game out of feeding her, etc). Actually there were many weeks where the only thing that calmed her down was BFing in the tub. She could not fall asleep, but would at least calm down. Now it's to the point where we are basically teaching her she can get whatever she wants by screaming for it (imagine typical horrible grocery store scene.. and I only shop with her when I have to - I don't drag her around everywhere.). I don't have the energy to fight her. I am not enjoying those days one bit, and it's feeling like every day. When I saw children like this, before I had a child, I would say "I am never going to allow my child to act like that."
I am writing this to ask for advice, and also to ask for clarification on what attachment parenting means. I find it hard to believe AP would support a child acting this way, giving her whatever she wants, when what she really needs is sleep. (And again, if she would co-sleep, I would. If she would let me soothe her to sleep, I would...she just cries.) I started out being of the Baby Whisperer mindset. Schedules, routine, but no CIO, no "props". Then with her reflux I read more about AP and began adopting it. It worked, it made sense, it felt better than to fight her. I still use a "flexible schedule" and I am all about routine, routine, routine, but I don't force it if it's not working. I give her what I think she needs. DH and I argue/fight about this all the time. But now I am coming around to his point of view because it just feels like we've created a monster. She has learned to fall asleep only when she is utterly exhausted, and relies on our calming strategies to get through the rest of the day. Now that she is becoming a toddler her frustrations are increasing and these strategies are no longer enough. So what does AP say about this? Also please dont give the old line of "well even with AP if you are losing your mind, it's OK to set her in the crib to cry for a minute while you collect yourself." But what if I am feeling like this every day, several times a day, isn't that just CIO? And isn't CIO better than divorced parents (we have discussed separation.) And BTW I very rarely act out any frustration on her. I breathe deeply, keep my voice pleasant, put on music, let it go, talk in a calm voice, move slowly/gently, etc. But lately I've been feeling short tempered, resentful, angry, at my wits end, and it's harder for me to hide it.
Any recommended reading?
:Lately, even with all this, she still cannot get enough sleep to be rested and her behavior is deteriorating. She used to be fairly calm and manageable, even when super tired, but now throws tantrums constantly, is basically acting like a spoiled brat. I know she's just tired, but this doesn't help the toll it's taking on her, on me, on my husband, and on our marriage. Part of this is toddler stuff, but it seems exaggerated by her chronic fatigue. We've been hanging in there, waiting for things to get better, all throughout the first year. My health has been horrible. I have had physical and emotional breakdowns. (Please don't make this about PPD, been there, done that). We fight. No sex. After the last fight, my poor husband ended up on the floor of the closet sobbing. He just can't take it anymore. EVERYTHING I have goes to our daughter.
We have done CIO twice. Once at 5 months I was at the point where I was no longer physically capable of responding to her hourly night wakings, and DH refused to go to her. We believed her reflux was being controlled by the meds, but she was so overtired she screamed constantly whether held, soothed, or not. (We could not co-sleep because she had to sleep at 30 degree incline because of the reflux. And when I tried to sleep with her in her crib on the incline, she fussed and cried and pushed my away.) The CIO was absolutely horrible but very effective. Then we tried it again later (at 8 mo??) and it was equally horrible, not effective at all, and required a good month of working with her to not cry whenever we went in her room. It was that result that has allowed me to stave off my DH's repeated requests for more CIO.
Of course we never wanted to do that. But I was doing every single thing in every parenting book I could find and nothing was working. Pantley was working for a few weeks but the steps were taking so long to achieve (1 half step in about 2 weeks) that whatever progress we made was obliterated by teething episodes, colds, reflux breakthroughs, etc. She is extremely bothered by teething, episodes can last 2-4 weeks. Currently getting incisors in (horrible). She has never accepted a lovey, pacifier, or teether. I am all of these. The doctors say there is nothing medically wrong with her. I used to get her checked out all the time, until the drs said, THERE IS NOTHING PHYSICALLY WRONG WITH THIS CHILD!!!! and then I took her to chiropractor, accupressure, ND. There is nothing wrong with her except that she is very, very sensitive to everything. How much of this is her nature and how much is an exaggerated response to everything because she is so so SO tired? When she is well rested she is an absolute joy. Patient, resourceful, loving, funny, playful, can play independently, pleasantly follows simple rules and directions. Unfortunately I am seeing this less and less.
I have no issues meeting her needs. If I could meet them, I would. But it's not working and as a result in order to get through the days we have developed coping/calming strategies for her. At first I didn't mind (lots of breastfeeding, extra baths, making a game out of feeding her, etc). Actually there were many weeks where the only thing that calmed her down was BFing in the tub. She could not fall asleep, but would at least calm down. Now it's to the point where we are basically teaching her she can get whatever she wants by screaming for it (imagine typical horrible grocery store scene.. and I only shop with her when I have to - I don't drag her around everywhere.). I don't have the energy to fight her. I am not enjoying those days one bit, and it's feeling like every day. When I saw children like this, before I had a child, I would say "I am never going to allow my child to act like that."
I am writing this to ask for advice, and also to ask for clarification on what attachment parenting means. I find it hard to believe AP would support a child acting this way, giving her whatever she wants, when what she really needs is sleep. (And again, if she would co-sleep, I would. If she would let me soothe her to sleep, I would...she just cries.) I started out being of the Baby Whisperer mindset. Schedules, routine, but no CIO, no "props". Then with her reflux I read more about AP and began adopting it. It worked, it made sense, it felt better than to fight her. I still use a "flexible schedule" and I am all about routine, routine, routine, but I don't force it if it's not working. I give her what I think she needs. DH and I argue/fight about this all the time. But now I am coming around to his point of view because it just feels like we've created a monster. She has learned to fall asleep only when she is utterly exhausted, and relies on our calming strategies to get through the rest of the day. Now that she is becoming a toddler her frustrations are increasing and these strategies are no longer enough. So what does AP say about this? Also please dont give the old line of "well even with AP if you are losing your mind, it's OK to set her in the crib to cry for a minute while you collect yourself." But what if I am feeling like this every day, several times a day, isn't that just CIO? And isn't CIO better than divorced parents (we have discussed separation.) And BTW I very rarely act out any frustration on her. I breathe deeply, keep my voice pleasant, put on music, let it go, talk in a calm voice, move slowly/gently, etc. But lately I've been feeling short tempered, resentful, angry, at my wits end, and it's harder for me to hide it.
Any recommended reading?
Your dd sounds very much like my ds.
- but I wanted to let you know you are not alone. These things come in phases and just when you think you're going crazy, something new will happen and you'll have a different set of challenges. Good luck!
