my 3yo is "the hitter"

[SweetPotato]

I stay at home with my 3yo dd, who really likes older kids but gets impatient with kids her own age. It's frustrating for me, because I NEED to interact with my sahm friends- but dd seems to get overwhelmed sometimes and ends up hitting or pushing their kids. Not every time we get together, but enough that I feel really bad about it. GD ideas, please??? We get together once, MAYBE twice a week, and we talk on the way there about how we need to be gentle and patient with our friends, and how she can talk to them with words or come to me if she's feeling frustrated, but that hitting, etc. hurts people and makes them sad and is not acceptable. She's pretty "with it" and really seems to understand all this, but sometimes still resorts to hitting, etc.- then the whole way home in the car will tell me how she hit and it wasnt nice and it hurt her friend's feelings and she didn't say she was sorry-- and she'll apologize to me. I just don't know if I'm doing something wrong (I pull her aside and talk about it when it happens)- or what else I could do? I don't like the idea of punishments and don't want the reason she doesn't hit to be just because she doesn't want me to punish her in some way. The most natural consequence I can think of is to just pack up immediately and go home--- but I REALLY don't like this because, frankly, she would rather be home playing alone with me anyway (heck, she might learn to hit sooner so that we'll have to leave!)-- I'll admit that we're usually out because I really need the company to keep myself from going bonkers. At the same time, it doesn't seem fair to the other kids and their moms. to inflict this on them Is this just an age thing- will she eventually be able to stop herself when the urge strikes? She just turned 3 and is very verbal, etc., so I think that it's easy for me to treat her like an older child and have higher expectations than what might be reasonable-- but she's my first and I really don't have a frame of reference to go by. I'm thinking that I may try to limit the size of the gathering (she seems to do much better with one other kid than with a large playgroup) and just resign myself to counting on shorter outings so that we can leave before she gets to the point of hitting (also hard because we're on an earlier schedule than most of our friends, so they're just getting up and out when we're pushing naptime) Any other suggestions for how to get through to her would really be appreciated.

ETA: What do you think of taking a time-out together- like she and I go together into another room for a minute to cool off and talk about things? Also- what do you do if you're out with friends like this and your child says they want to go home? I feel like we'd never go anywhere or interact with anyone if I always did what she wants, but if she's going to hit because she's ready to go, then I guess we should leave?

[SweetPotato]

Okay, seriously- 27 views and nobody has any advice? Am I just a crappy mother who doesn't deserve to hang out with friends since I can't keep my kid in line? What I've come up with from thinking all evening, is that maybe once a week we could go out and I can give her the option of sitting with me while I talk to the other mom or playing with the child. If she hits/pushes/etc. then she no longer has the option of playing with the other kid and must sit with me while I visit. I expect that she'll probably get impatient and wormy fairly quickly and we might end up leaving shortly thereafter, but it seems like a good natural consequence of not being able to play gently, without handing her the reins to decide that I'm not allowed to visit and that we'll just go home whenever she wants. It also protects the other child and shows the other parent that I respect the right of their child to not be hit- which I do think is important. What do you think?

[yoginisarah]

It sounds like she gets really overwhelmed being around the other children. To the point where she can't remember her alternatives. Maybe every half hour take her and have that time in with her before anything happens. Let her just hang out for a few minutes with someone that she is used to and knows she can trust. Then give her the option of playing on her own (maybe bring a couple of things from home) or rejoining the group.

I think she's just trying to communicate with you that this is too much. Heck, a bunch or even a few 3 year olds gets to be a bit much for me too after awhile! So, taking her aside, talking to her and allowing her to relax periodically could help.

[schreiberwriter]

Honestly, it seems like you're doing what you can. But there are challenges -- group size and her temperament combined with nearness to nap time. You may need to modify some aspects of your playtimes to make them work better.

My son can't seem to handle more than an hour or hour and a half with one other boy before things disintegrate. Now I know what to expect since I've noticed this. I'm not ready to leave so soon, but I don't like leaving frustrated with his childish behavior.

[mamadebug]

My DS is now 4, but for a long time he was "the hitter". I think that it is important to remember that they are little, and when they are overwhelmed or tired or whatever, they resort to being physical. It's not you being a bad mama or someone who can't keep their kid in line. I found it really important to be mindful of time of day (not to close to nap time or too late in the evening), the number of kids were around at once (being around 1 or 2 was best), they all had plenty of space to play. Also, setting up play dates outside at a park was helpful as was keeping the play dates short (like 1 to 1.5 hrs at most). Also, keep talking with him - it does sink in eventually. Now when my son gets upset, he says, "I really want to hit him...." but he doesn't actually do it. And, we have left the play date if it seems to be ramping up and not able to stop himself. I know that is especially frustrating for the mama who needs some adult conversation.

[mommyoftwo]

Well it has been quite a while but my ds was that kid for a time. He was a bit younger (around 2) when he went through this phase but it was almost more embarrassing in a way-he would hit babies.

I just shadowed him like crazy so he didn't have the chance, not very fun but effective. We also left the playdate after the first time he hit. Also not fun but effective. It was bad for me because often I had to make my older dd leave too. I understand the need for adult company and leaving a playdate stinks for you and the child. I took the hitting as overstimulation or who knows just a phase.

My ds did better with playdates that were outside rather than inside if that helps.

I can tell you that now my ds is five and wouldn't dream of hitting anyone (except maybe his sister once in a while). They do grow out of it. Just keep telling her that hitting is not acceptable and maybe take her home a couple of times and see where that gets you.

This in no way makes you a bad parent who cannot control your child. I so remember feeling that way too.

[ShwarmaQueen]

You're right that the first child makes it harder since you have no reference. At three, DD was not the hitter (came later) but was hit a lot. My very good friend's son was extremely violent. At times I thought he'd hit her so hard that it traumatized her mentally- very frustrating as her mother because i was so close to his mother. After comforting DD, HER reaction is what I cared about, while I didn't want for her to justify or punish with violence (aka "spanking") I definitely wanted her to sit him down and let him know it was wrong to hurt others. That stage passed and our friendship survived based on the fact that she made an obvious effort to GD her son. Looking back, now it is just one more difficult stage we've gone through together in raising our kids.

DD started hitting recently (almost 4) at times when she's tired, hungry, overwhelmed, or craving attention. I take her to a room by herself, explain that we don't hit others and let her cool down. I do the "one-minute-per-year" timeout and when I bring her back to the gathering, she's sweet self again. I realize others may not agree, but I think the "calmdown" timeout is very appropriate for this age/situation.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Its always more effective to teach, model, and coach skills before she gets frustrated than to apply consequences afterwards. Which means always being close by and keeping an eye out for triggers, ready to hop in before the hitting happens.

Its a pain because its more work and you don't get to spend as much time socializing, but it will pay off eventually.

[Meg_s]

<sigh> oh this one is hard. Ours was exacerbated by a babysitter who had NO BOUNDARIES for a year... don't get me started on her, though she does love my children like her own.... Anyway my son is the one who hits. He's 3 and at a kindergarten now, in Germany Kindergarten is optional and is for ages 3-6. He loves going to kindergarten, LOVES it. But he is horrible to the other kids. Just commiserating.

[tinyblackdot]

I don't think that there is anything wrong with time outs along as they are just that "time outs". I think that giving your daughter consequences to her actions (like if you hit you are not going to be playing anymore and will have to come sit with the adults for a while) is necessary, especially for kids that young. And i think that taking your lo out fo the situation would probably be appreciated by the parents as well.

I don't think that there is any issue with calmly going over to your lo and explain that we don't hit, and then telling her that she needs a few mnuts to recompose herself. I think that when kids get overstimulated thats when they tend to act out, because they don't realize when they are sleepy, or hungry, or thirsty......so a little time away form the action can help her reanalyze what is going on.

Best of luck!

[MamaCrunch]

My first kid was "the hitter" (pincher, pusher...) and it was the hardest thing I've ever lived through. I lost most of my friends and was slapped with the "bad mom" label (ina very small community). And I did EVERYTHING I could BESIDES stay home all the time. I was (always) GD but I never ever "let it slide" I was always always trying something ELSE, looking at it another way, etc , etc. She is my most persistent child. Nothing I have ever done has ever changed any of her behaviors--that's HER! I would love to say "I finally ____ and that put a stop to it" but she finally GREW out of it. It was sooooo hard and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Two things have helped me heal from this: I've had subsequent kids and they WEREN'T hitters! In fact my second was very naturally empathetic at a very young age and he's so easily influenced by me (not necessary a GREAT thing but so vindicating!) I wanted to scream and cry and yell from the rooftops "look at this kid!!!!! It wasn't my fault!!!!!!" and the other is my #1 growing up! She is SOOOOO empathetic now and so sweet with her friends--she really thinks about others and really cares for the people close to her. So amazing to watch after all we've been through!

Basically do whatever you can! Keep trying all the same things! Keep stressing that it's so important to be gentle and kind! Protect your friendships however you can and most importantly--don't blame yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(sorry about the novel--as you can tell this subject is still so close to my heart)

[ShwarmaQueen]

Originally Posted by MamaCrunch

My first kid was "the hitter" (pincher, pusher...) and it was the hardest thing I've ever lived through. I lost most of my friends and was slapped with the "bad mom" label (ina very small community). And I did EVERYTHING I could BESIDES stay home all the time.

It's too bad your friends dumped you. If people could only just walk a mile in someone else's shoes...

[carfreemama]

My only was a hitter, too. And worse, most of my friends at that time were first-time mothers, too. I felt sooo self-conscious and even unworthy. It started young with dd-before age 2. And my friends would ask me what I was "doing" at home. Well, at that age my answer was redirect, teach words, that sort of thing. My dd was also very verbal, as you describe. She also hit other milestones early--potty training, walking, etc. So I think you're right on that count; it IS very easy to treat a child you can have whole conversations with almost from the beginning as being much older than they are. I think it's REALLY important to remember that. I think some of the frustration my dd experienced came from feeling pressure to perform. I wish I had had some really good parenting skills at that time. But sometimes I think she wanted to just be a baby still.

I do think you need to avoid triggers, like the close-to-naptime, big group, long visits; in our situation, I didn't have to do that for longer than about six months because, guess what? She grew out of it! And as other people have said, I don't think I found a magic cure, either. She just evolved or something.

One thing I did do that helped and I still do this: Whenever we arrive at a playgroup/party/event, I spend a few minutes walking around the space with dd and playing alone in a low-key way with her. Often now she will say, "okay, I'm ready" when she wants to join the group. It's like a little ritual we have now. I don't force this and I don't do it in situations where she's very familiar wtih the people or place, but she LIKES this special time and it's the first thing I go to when she seems unsettled. We can often stay an extra hour in perfect comfort if I'm at a party or something and dd says she wants to go super-early, if we just take that time.

A final note--I also started surrounding myself with people who seemed more accepting and understanding of us. Not that I ever "let" dd hit; I just needed to be around people I didn't feel so judged by. I wish I had done that sooner. I could have returned to those other friends later, when I had found my own feet again.

And you know what? At 4 1/2 years, dd is also a very empathetic, easygoing child who I can take ANYWHERE. Who would have thought?