Givings something of ds' vs. buying something for charity gift? Need opinions

[LynnS6]

I'm not really sure where to post this, but I'll try here.

Our kids are 4 and 7. Our church is sponsoring a gift drive for some families at the local 'transitional' school - this is a school where homeless kids go so that they have at least a consistent school while the family deals with trying to find stable housing. (Often the families are spending a few weeks here, a few weeks there, etc. and they were moving schools every 2-3 weeks.)

The school has asked for clothing for the children, as there is very little space for them to have toys usually.

I chose the name of a boy who is ds' age and wears about the same sized clothing. I have purchased a pair of pants because ds is hard on pants. But ds has a lot of shirts that he NEVER wears. 2-3 in particular were gifts last year to him, that he has worn maybe once each. Ds just doesn't like the style.

I was thinking of having ds pick out 2 shirts that are in excellent shape to add to our gift, rather than going out to buy a new shirt.

I want to do this because I think it would be more meaningful for ds to actually have to GIVE something of his away rather than to just go with me to pick out something in a store.

I think I'm also going to have the kids go through their books and pick one they like to give as a small extra present.

Is this a good idea or a bad idea because the clothes would be used?

[amma_mama]

I think that is a very nice idea - if items are in good condition, which they are, a family in need would be thankful for them. I would wash, iron and wrap them up nicely. Most kids are just happy for something that is "new" for them, as long as they do not look like old hand-me-downs. As for the books, used (even if more obviously so) is nice as well. Perhaps you may want to just donate those directly to the school though to add to their library.

[suabel]

I have mixed feelings on this. Theoretically I am all for recycling and reusing and I'm certain the child in question would use and be thankful for almost-new clothing. However, especially for kids that probably rarely get anything new, I would be inclined to make a gift be something brand-new, in the packaging, picked out especially for them. Can you continue with the pants you purchased wrapped as the actual gift, and then put together the hand-me-downs in a bag with a note that says something about them being almost new and hopefully they can use them?

[phoolove]

I have mixed feelings too, and it seems like you do as well, hence the post.

In the abstract, I would feel fine giving them the used, but in reality I would feel guilty for not just going on and springing for a couple new shirts from wherever.

I also get that it's weird that we try and make kids feel better by giving them something "new" with tags, and that promotes the whole consumer culture that is engulfing the world. However, I don't know if now, with these two kids, it is important to make that statement.
But that's my own hang up.

[ABand3]

I had the same dilemma this week - i pulled three cards (one for each of my kids) from the 'angel tree' kind of thing, and didn't really look at what it asked. When I got home I realized each card needed an outfit AND a gift card for shoes - and I had only budgeted $60 for all three. So I tossed back and forth between blowing my budget or returning two cards. In the end I decided to give shirts from my sons (like yours, the same size as the gift recipent, we have plenty of barely worn clothes); I bought pants at the consignment store (a really good one, where I buy most of MY kids clothes); and bought clothes on sale for the one recipient. I got a small gift card for all three, and felt bad that it wasn't more, but again, it's the place/amount I try to spend on my kids. They are siblings, so if they go together and there's a buy one get one sale they'll do ok.

I felt (and still feel) a bit bad about this, BUT I didn't buy/give anything I wouldn't accept for my own kids. AND we are trying to be less of a consumer oriented familiy, and I think that applies to gift giving as well. So in the end I'm ok with it.

[phoolove]

When we pull from the angel tree I make my kids shop around the tree to find items we can afford to buy, because sometimes kids have some pretty big ticket items on there, like bikes or somethings like that.

[octobermom]

I also get that it's weird that we try and make kids feel better by giving them something "new" with tags

Is there not EVER something new that gives you a happy feeling? If a person thinks tags and money is gong to magically take away the pain and struggles of being poor they are sadly mistaken but I can tell you it can be VERY uplifiting to have something new. DH lost his job back in 2002 I was pregnant with out first we worked 4 jobs between us to just keep afloat (and three after DD was born).. Things then went from bad to worse as 2 of his jobs ended (they were temps but we were hoping) and then our DD got very sick we ended up with literly nothing including no place to live. "luckily" we had family to take us in soo our situation was in that regard diffrent from being truly homeless but we remember what it was like having nothing and always having to figure out what bill ect needed XYZ $$ and what we would need to once again go without. FF a bit.. We have been abudently blessed each holiday from relitives who always remember to send our DD a gift from clothing donations by friends to welcomed cards saying a simple merry Christmas from others everyone touches us in some way. For the OP I'd really try to include some actual new with the tags on the clothes there is something very special about having something truly new there kids live day in and out learning to appreciate "had me downs" it does go beyond just what looks clean ect.. At the same time please do donate as well eaither add it in and clearly say these are from us they were enjoyed by my son ect and now he hopes another can love them as much ect.

When we pull from the angel tree I make my kids shop around the tree to find items we can afford to buy, because sometimes kids have some pretty big ticket items on there, like bikes or somethings like that.

Last year I waited too long to pick our angel (ended up doing a diffrent charity) because PS2 and MP3 players where the only things listed on the remaining ones. I'm VERY big on fullfilling the wish lists for the tag I choose.

Deanna

[shayinme]

I don't know, I hear where you are coming from but as someone who runs a program for kids whose families do sign up for Angel Trees and such, I am not sure giving used is a good idea. Many of our kids get used things year round, because its the best their families can do. It takes so much for these families to sign up for these programs and honestly at least for my families, getting a used gift no matter what the thoughts behind it might make them feel worse.

I recently have talked to Mamas who hated signing up but truly wanted their kid to get something new like other kids so she put her pride aside to sign up yet she had tears as she was doing it. I think Octobermom really summed things up well.

Shay

[LynnS6]

yeah, I'm torn, hence the post.

In addition to having ds learn something by giving something up, quite frankly the child would be getting a much better pair of shirts than we can afford to buy. There's a Polo shirt and a Gap shirt (both gifts to ds last year) that I could easily iron and make look like new. So, it's kind of name-brand (which might also carry some cache with a kid who's not got a lot) vs. new from Target.

He's getting a new 2 pairs of pants.

And a gently used book (extra as the request is only for clothing, but a book is little, easy to carry and can be left/given away when he's done with it).

[grniys]

Most charities ask specifically that the items be new.

I would buy new clothes for the kid.

[lab]

I have mixed feelings as well. I want to be helpful and giving. But it seems like my idea of giving isn't what the recipient wants. So I do understand both sides.

I unfortunately had to withdraw my name from the Christmas Bureau because at $320. - I didn't have enough money to provide Christmas gifts for a family of 4.

I honestly did not realize that I was required to purchase their entire Christmas and dinner. I stupidly assumed that I was supplementing or simply giving a gift. I really ended up feeling kinda stupid!

So rather than allow me to tweak it - the Christmas Bureau suggested I just come down and pull 2 angels off the tree.

[grniys]

Originally Posted by lab

I have mixed feelings as well. I want to be helpful and giving. But it seems like my idea of giving isn't what the recipient wants. So I do understand both sides.

I unfortunately had to withdraw my name from the Christmas Bureau because at $320. - I didn't have enough money to provide Christmas gifts for a family of 4.

I honestly did not realize that I was required to purchase their entire Christmas and dinner. I stupidly assumed that I was supplementing or simply giving a gift. I really ended up feeling kinda stupid!

So rather than allow me to tweak it - the Christmas Bureau suggested I just come down and pull 2 angels off the tree.

OMG! Seriously? That's a LOT.

Honestly, this may sound awful of me, but I've changed the way I give to charity this year. It just seems that things (the presents requested, amounts expected, etc) are getting larger and larger... so instead I find someone I know who is in need and do anon contributions to them. Donating to a food bank is also a great idea.

But wow. $320 wasn't enough to supply their Christmas?

[aprons_and_acorns]

As someone who has worked extensively with Christmas giving programs, I say give new items, definitely. There are plenty of other ways to make good use out of the gently used. In fact, I bet the school would be happy to give the gently used clothing to a child who needs it. But for Christmas giving, a new item just carries with it a certain sense of dignity.

(That said, I give very gently used gifts to my very close friends and family because we are thrift-store crazy and get each other that way.)

[shayinme]

Originally Posted by lab

I have mixed feelings as well. I want to be helpful and giving. But it seems like my idea of giving isn't what the recipient wants. So I do understand both sides.

I unfortunately had to withdraw my name from the Christmas Bureau because at $320. - I didn't have enough money to provide Christmas gifts for a family of 4.

I honestly did not realize that I was required to purchase their entire Christmas and dinner. I stupidly assumed that I was supplementing or simply giving a gift. I really ended up feeling kinda stupid!

So rather than allow me to tweak it - the Christmas Bureau suggested I just come down and pull 2 angels off the tree.

In my community, groups will generally go in and sponsor an entire family and it does include the dinner. I just referred three families and when I spoke to the families to find out what they needed/wanted, it probably did come to at least $300-400 per family between hardcore needs like coats/jammies and then wants like a toy or so for families that had 2-4 kids.

Sadly these are rough times and for many of the families I am seeing they are struggling so hard that they find it difficult to do even small things like jammies, etc so these programs do allow them to ask for what they want/need.

Shay

[lab]

Originally Posted by shayinme

Sadly these are rough times and for many of the families I am seeing they are struggling so hard that they find it difficult to do even small things like jammies, etc so these programs do allow them to ask for what they want/need.

Shay

Well, yes, we are all struggling. My husband's family is not going to exchange gifts this year. We decided instead to pool our money together that we normally spend on each other and give.

I'm spending less on my kids this year. With this in mind, I determined that I should try to help another family since donations may be off this year.

My gift at $320 wasn't good enough. This group would rather risk a family not getting help than treat the 20 year old 'child' in the family as an adult. My extended family and I could have supplied Christmas for this family of four if the Christmas Bureau hadn't insisted on 'requiring' that we purchase 'an entire outfit (including shoes), plus a large gift, a small gift and several small items' for the 20 year old'

I buy used video games for my kid. I guarantee you there is a kid out there that would much rather have had my used gift of a DS game than nothing at all.

[lab]

Originally Posted by grniys

OMG! Seriously? That's a LOT.

Honestly, this may sound awful of me, but I've changed the way I give to charity this year. It just seems that things (the presents requested, amounts expected, etc) are getting larger and larger... so instead I find someone I know who is in need and do anon contributions to them. Donating to a food bank is also a great idea.

But wow. $320 wasn't enough to supply their Christmas?

Oh I'm with ya! Isn't that crazy! I asked for a smaller family (than a family of 4) and told the representative how much I had to spend and she actually suggested I just get two angels off of the tree. 2! That's $160 each child! DANG! That's a lot.

I really understand that people need to feel worth and value at Christmas. I understand that receiving can feel like 'charity' when presented in some ways.

My point is that my giving is being completely unappreciated. At least I feel that way.

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by lab

I really understand that people need to feel worth and value at Christmas. I understand that receiving can feel like 'charity' when presented in some ways. My point is that my giving is being completely unappreciated. At least I feel that way.

*Any* help you could give, large or small, would be appreciated here. Check out the MDC thank-you thread: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=976493

Heck, even if you have a gift card somewhere that you haven't used, or with some money left over on it, that could really help someone. Most families are helped by multiple givers, giving varying amounts. And different families need varying amounts, so no one has to feel responsible for a family's entire Christmas.

Also, many families here would be happy to accept used clothing in good condition. The nice thing is the database asks families in need, and if they are willing to accept used items (presuming "like new" condition), they can mark "prefer." This will show up on their profile. Look on the database: http://www.shesdreamingindigital.com/holidayhelper/, and you'll see a wide variation in needs.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=975626

[Ruthla]

Could you give him the great quality 2ndhand shirts PLUS one brand new shirt?

[octobermom]

Originally Posted by lab

Oh I'm with ya! Isn't that crazy! I asked for a smaller family (than a family of 4) and told the representative how much I had to spend and she actually suggested I just get two angels off of the tree. 2! That's $160 each child! DANG! That's a lot.

I really understand that people need to feel worth and value at Christmas. I understand that receiving can feel like 'charity' when presented in some ways.

My point is that my giving is being completely unappreciated. At least I feel that way.

Whats extra sad its being unappricated by the people runnig the "charity" I'd bet the family it was intended for would have been thrilled. We are a family of 3 I've spent about $300 and some change on Christmas this year
$100 is for DD for both gifts from us and santa gifts including some toys some clothes ect around $50 for DH about another $12 on cards and stamps $35 on stuff for christmas dinner (we're having steaks) another $40 for vairies "friends" mostly little things for DD friends $65 for our angle tree gifts.. While DD not getting anythign huge our diner wont have 14 courses and we did little more than mailing our cards we still managed a lot on our budget. I'd eaither go check out a few angle tree requests for "bigger" toys (bikes ect) and grant a "big wish" for a few of those or spread it over more children. Don't let the organization take away your giving heart.

Deanna

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

Could you give him the great quality 2ndhand shirts PLUS one brand new shirt?

That's what I ended up doing. I got a great deal at Old Navy on pants and so I was able to get 2 pairs of pants and a nice fleece sweatshirt and stay within budget The request was for 1 pair of pants and 1 sweatshirt. So, I ironed the used shirt and tucked it in with the 2nd pair of pants. The kids then picked out 2 easy chapter books (Magic Tree House books) to include as an extra, and they each made a card to include in a box. So, the child is getting two outfits, 2 books and 2 cards.