Holy Crap, I need help now.

[SugarAndSun]

DS1 is nuts and I am under so much stress that my head and whole body hurt. He is just so intense and angry. He goes to daycare twice a week now (he's 4) and doesn't seem to handle it well. However, I cannot allow that or anything else to be an excuse for his present behavior. He was so much better for a while, but now I am going crazy. He's hitting ds1 and talking really meanly.

I have tried talking, screaming, pleading, whispering... now I am letting him watch TV, which I cut out.

HELP!

The car battery is dead and I can't get out. I think I will feed him lunch and have everyone take a nap.

[InchByInch]

Originally Posted by SugarAndSun

I have tried talking, screaming, pleading, whispering... now I am letting him watch TV, which I cut out.

Hugs, mama! The thing that stands out to me is the above line... it sounds like you might not be consistent with your discipline. If so, that gives you a starting place from which to work. Find a method you like ("Adventures in Gentle Discipline" is a great book to find tactics) and stick with it-- kids always benefit from lovingly enforced, dependable boundaries, and you may find his behavior improves. Good luck!

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

For the short term, go for a walk. Or play in the snow, if there is that. Whatever, just get him outside to run off lots of energy!

[SugarAndSun]

FYI, I have seen none of this behavior again! It is only the day after daycare. I am really looking for somewhere else for him. Thanks for the ideas.

I do intend to remain consistent. For the most part I am not too uptight... I have decided to never ignore even the slightest violence. I simply state that in our family we are never violent. We never hurt anyone.

It really seems to be the day after daycare though...

[prescottchels]

Your DS's behavior sounds like what I've dealt w/in children from divorced homes where they meltdown after coming hm from the parent who does not care well for them or get the child's needs met or in which there is a lot of stress in general.
I'd definitely look for a new center or even a nanny. Maybe you could share one w/someone else if the cost is too much, but I wouldn't think so if it's only 2 days...?
Help him learn how to give voice to his angry emotions-I see you're feeling angry, use positive language-what you want instead of what you don't. I want you to be gentle w/your bro, etc Give him appropriate outlets like punching pillows, kicking a soccer ball, running. He may not willingly do these things by himself, but if you can do them w/him it usually helps.
Good Luck!

[Ruthla]

I wonder if there's anything physical going on- does he not get enough sleep at daycare? Is he fed foods with synthetic additives he might be reacting to? I mean, it might simply be from the situation (not wanting to be away from you) but don't rule out physical causes as well.

[schreiberwriter]

My son has been going to daycare since he was one. At first, he'd come home and we'd nurse for a long time as a way to reconnect (and for him to drink the milk he enjoyed). After weaning it's been harder to find ways to reconnect, but it's really important. My husband has been watching him all day and when I would come home, my son is very difficult and belligerent. I think it is because we need to reconnect.

[RollerCoasterMama]

I think you're on the right track with looking for a new daycare.

My own son was at the same daycare full time from 9 weeks old. It was somewhere we knew was ok as an infant, but I'd want to change as a toddler. It was all boys almost and pretty rough and tumble. He was bit pretty severely at about 10 months old. One time only so I didn't make a big deal about it. I figured that where there were toddlers and infants, at least one would be a biter. By around 14 months old, my son was biting. It continued to escalate and he was always angry after a day at daycare. By summer things were clearly not going great. The older kids were home all day from school and he was just frantic for about an hour every evening. On the weekends he was lovely and gentle and sweet. I finally lined up a new place (more expensive, but worth it). The day we set that up, I had to call in tears and ask if we could move it up a month b/c DS was formally given notice because of biting a baby (ironically it was the baby sister of the boy that bit him initially). ONE DAY at the new daycare and it was miraculous. Our old daycare was just too wild and overstimulating and put him on the defensive all the time. I had been working hard with him all summer to eliminate triggers, but I couldn't be there all day! Now, he almost never gets overstimulated to the point of aggression. Once or twice a month maybe...but not all day long like before. At the end of the first day at the new daycare, I picked him up and almost cried because I was seeing my weekend baby on a weeknight.

Just wanted to share...I've been there. And it was extremely difficult. Especially once I figured out the problem, but didn't feel like I had the means to fix it (staying home isn't an option unfortunately). Once I had a solution, but it wasn't for a few weeks, I felt like the worst parent ever for bringing him to the daycare that was causing the problem. But it was over quickly and everything is lovely now!

Just wanted to let you know our experiences. Yes, it really CAN be that dramatic of a change. And it isn't necessarilly neglect or abuse at the daycare...just the wrong environment for your child.

[SugarAndSun]

I definitely think it is the daycare. Today was his last day there. ::

DH is keeping him Tuesday and then he is starting at a Montessori school in January! ::