4 yo sabotaging toddler's toilet learning

[Llyra]

This one has me stumped. I honestly can't figure out why DD1 is doing this, or how to help her stop.

My 22 month old DD2 has decided she's ready for potty learning. She announced "I potty" on Monday, and hasn't looked back since. She's doing GREAT and she's really proud of herself.

But ever since Monday, DD1 has been going out of her way to sabotage the process. She does things like yanking the potty out from under DD2's heiny just as she's about to sit, or hiding the potty altogether. When DD2 is sitting and trying to go, she hangs around and bothers her or even tries to scare her by yelling at her. If I'm helping DD2, DD1 is inevitably loudly demanding my attention, having some kind of imaginary crisis, or throwing a tantrum about something insignificant. Like today, all of a sudden out of the clear blue sky she's DEVASTATED about how she can't find a picture she drew like a month ago, where she hadn't mentioned it since she drew it.

DD2 had a tiny accident today, and DD1 starts berating her and shaming her about it. I've never shamed anyone for a potty accident ever, so I don't know where she gets this idea, plus DD1 has never been deliberately unkind to DD2 ever before. They fight, but it's usually territorial issues, not deliberate meanness. DD1 also laughed at DD2's new underpants and told her they were "baby undies." (They're padded training pants, but DD2 was convinced they were "big girl pants.")

It's like she's bound and determined to sabotage the whole process. And I really don't know how to handle this, and it's got me really upset. If anybody has any insight, I'd love to hear it, because I'm so angry I think I'm not thinking straight.

[Learning_Mum]

I'm not really sure, but I'm wondering if it has something to do with DD2 not being a 'baby' anymore when she's toilet trained? Maybe DD1 feels her 'position' in the family is the big girl and she feels like she's getting displaced?

[Rivka5]

I agree. This sounds like another "territorial" issue - being a big girl is DD#1's territory, and she doesn't want DD#2 horning in on it. I wonder if it would help to think of something cool that DD#1 can do that #2 can't, and make a big deal out of it - like, maybe cooking lessons while #2 is napping.

[umsami]

I agree with the PP. I've never faced an older sibling sabotaging a younger one with regards to potty training... but hey, it could be just around the corner. One thing we did do with DS1 and DS2 is encourage DS1 to be the "big brother" and help show his little brother the ropes. DS1 got rewarded (usually praise... sometimes a mini M&M) when he helped his little brother with the potty. He also got to choose some new underwear when we went to buy DS2 his big boy undies.

[ShwarmaQueen]

Different perspective: Your 4 yo sounds alot like my soon-to-be 4 yo. She has meltdowns (minor or major), almost on a daily basis, for seemingly no reason. It's just a developmental thing. DD also taunts other kids about diapers and being a baby- it seems there's a proud recognition that she's fully trained.

I don't think your DD1 is being malicious or whatnot, I think she's just warming up the sibling rivalry. Do they play nice together the rest of the time?

[WhaleinGaloshes]

Originally Posted by Llyra

...She does things like yanking the potty out from under DD2's heiny just as she's about to sit,...

I'm so, so sorry for smiling at this image I opened the thread partially because I couldn't imagine what 4 yo sabotaging a toddler's toilet learning would look like, and that's a visual of it right there.

Originally Posted by ShwarmaQueen

Different perspective: Your 4 yo sounds alot like my soon-to-be 4 yo. She has meltdowns (minor or major), almost on a daily basis, for seemingly no reason. It's just a developmental thing. DD also taunts other kids about diapers and being a baby- it seems there's a proud recognition that she's fully trained.

In my DD's 3-4 year old class, they do do a lot of this, it seems. I've heard the girls getting on each other -- example: one girl was proudly telling me "I grew! I'm big!" and another little girl came tearing across the room to shout her down "no you're not!" I was taken aback. My DD uses a pacifier to nap, and one girl (the one who was proud to be big, actually) reportedly tells mine "you're a baby, you have a pacifier" etc. I agree they can be touchy about these things.

Can the 4yo put her finger on the motivation at all? I'm wondering what her thoughts are about it. Whatever 'works' my instinct is that it will be a solution she participates in conceiving. Maybe she can come up with alternatives to harassing the baby. I might start with "everyone in our house needs to feel safe using the potty."

[ShwarmaQueen]

Originally Posted by ruffian

In my DD's 3-4 year old class, they do do a lot of this, it seems. I've heard the girls getting on each other -- example: one girl was proudly telling me "I grew! I'm big!" and another little girl came tearing across the room to shout her down "no you're not!" I was taken aback. My DD uses a pacifier to nap, and one girl (the one who was proud to be big, actually) reportedly tells mine "you're a baby, you have a pacifier" etc. I agree they can be touchy about these things.

And if some poor kid has an accident, I hear about it for WEEKS! "So and so peed their pants, their a baby..." So horrible!

[AbbieB]

What is it with 4 year olds and the teasing and taunting?

I think the OP has both the previously mentioned territorial thing going on and the ugly side of 4 year old behavior rearing it's head.

Maybe a new big kid "thing" for the oldest would help. Is your oldest DD ready to take on a new responsibility that her sister is not old enough to do? Something that will help her meet her need to have a divide between big kid and little kid stuff. Something she can do for herself that her sister is not ready to do alone yet.