Can you chose your child's friends?

[Veronique]

We live in a townhouse with a common play area in a courtyard.
So, my son will often play with the other kids who live in my area. Our neighbor is a 4 and a half year old girl (Julie), and she and my son (age 3) often play together. They also attend the same school.
However, whenever I see them interacting I notice that Julie is often 'bossy' and manipulative towards my son.
For example I tell my son, 'Honey, it's time to come in for supper." So, my son says, "Ok, mommy." Meanwhile, little Julie grabs him by the hand and says ,"no..let's play." and bascially drags him away from me. And he follows.
This sort of behaviour.
It bothers me that he listens to her and not me. Also, whenever they play together in my house they fight constantly! Non-stop arguing. She'll be sneaky and grab a toy away from him and he'll start crying for it and she'll act all innocent.
The one thing I don't get is why my son wants to play with her all the time! Whenever he sees her, he follows.
He also likes to play with another kid who is constantly being physcially agressive and leaving my son in tears.
Why does my son continue to want to play with these kids, who according to me, aren't good companions?

Would you tell you child to not play with another kid? I don't want to do that, but on the other hand, I want him to gravitate towards other children who are not so aggressive.
Thoughts?

[Jojo F.]

I have been in a similar situation. One of the kids at a playgroup would be horribly mean and agressive towards DS and he continued to play whith the child. This child would take hard toys and whack DS over the head, threaten to push him down the stairs, etc. all while the mother did basically nothing

I could only step in so much, I couldn't discipline this ladies child so I purposely told DS if he didn't like this child doing these things to not play with them, walk away, ignore them. I also told him that if this child did one mean thing to him we would leave immediately.

He's only 3 but, I'm sure you could ask DS why he likes to play with "Julie", talk to him about the situations you witness, is he happy about them, does he want things to change? Maybe she's one of very few kids for him to play with?

[Veronique]

Maybe she's one of very few kids for him to play with?

Actually there's a ton of kids around. And there are a few kids who he gets along really well with. But he seems to gravitate towards her...or others like her.
I hope we don't have problems with him when he begins dating and always picking 'the wrong girl'. But then again, I'm just getting WAAAAY ahead of myself.
I just remember as a 20something and dating 'bad boys' and my parents would always 'forbid' me to see them. Of course, this would make them all the more desirable.!

[LynnS6]

Not really.

Ds tends to gravitate toward bossy kids too. I think it's because he's an introvert, and he's reluctant to put himself out there. He LIKES to play with kids who are outgoing. But the down side is that they're also pushy at times.

What's worked for us (a bit, this problem is far from resolved) is role playing a bit at home (usually via stuffed animals) the bossy kid and the kid who goes along. We trade off who's who and ds gets some practice saying "no".

We also talk at other times about things that didn't go well. "Gosh, it seems like you and K were really having a hard time today. What happened?" Then we might brainstorm other ways of doing it, or things that he can say.

What ds has resorted to doing is simply coming home when he doesn't like how the other kids are playing with him. I'm not sure how effective it is, since he doesn't say anything. But he at least is removing himself from a situation he doesn't like.

For the OP, there's a pretty big age difference right now between the 2 kids. When 2 kids are 10 and 11 1/2, I don't think that year and a half make that much difference. But at 3 and 4 1/2, she's a lot further ahead in terms of her ability to think ahead, socially. At 3, our dd was taken advantage of a lot by some of the kids who were 4 1/2. At 4 1/2, she's not.

[hazephase]

You should put your kid into a marchal art as that would make him feel stronger inside

[tbone_kneegrabber]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Not really.

Ds tends to gravitate toward bossy kids too. I think it's because he's an introvert, and he's reluctant to put himself out there. He LIKES to play with kids who are outgoing. But the down side is that they're also pushy at times.

What's worked for us (a bit, this problem is far from resolved) is role playing a bit at home (usually via stuffed animals) the bossy kid and the kid who goes along. We trade off who's who and ds gets some practice saying "no".

We also talk at other times about things that didn't go well. "Gosh, it seems like you and K were really having a hard time today. What happened?" Then we might brainstorm other ways of doing it, or things that he can say.

What ds has resorted to doing is simply coming home when he doesn't like how the other kids are playing with him. I'm not sure how effective it is, since he doesn't say anything. But he at least is removing himself from a situation he doesn't like.

For the OP, there's a pretty big age difference right now between the 2 kids. When 2 kids are 10 and 11 1/2, I don't think that year and a half make that much difference. But at 3 and 4 1/2, she's a lot further ahead in terms of her ability to think ahead, socially. At 3, our dd was taken advantage of a lot by some of the kids who were 4 1/2. At 4 1/2, she's not.

:

I think its totally normal for an older kid to "take charge" or be "bossy" toward littler kids. I remember my friend's dd when through that around 4-5years where she wanted to orchestrate all the play "you be this and I'll be that, now you say this and I'll say that" etc.

[phathui5]

No, but you can arrange playtimes with children that you like and see if the friendships take off.