What would you do if your child was punching another child? - Page 2

[DevaMajka]

I have removed some UAV's, some posts responding to the UAV's, and the quotes in other posts that were otherwise ok.

If you have any questions, please PM me.

[velochic]

GD is most certainly discipline. Discipline means teaching. It doesn't mean ignoring. It doesn't mean punishing. Please head over to GD to learn before making such statements.

For your problem with the other child hitting your son and the parent doing nothing about it... unfortunately there really isn't anything you can do either. It is up to the child's mother to correct and teach (hopefully not punish). I would keep my child away from the other child. When that's impossible (I've had this happen before), I taught dd to say, "I will not let you hit me. We can play together nicely or I will leave." One more chance, and dd walked away.

Simply put, you or your child needs to avoid, as much as possible, the situation because it isn't up to you to decide how another child is disciplined. Sorry... I know that isn't the answer you're looking for.

[StarMom2]

Originally Posted by velochic

GD is most certainly discipline. Discipline means teaching. It doesn't mean ignoring. It doesn't mean punishing. Please head over to GD to learn before making such statements.

For your problem with the other child hitting your son and the parent doing nothing about it... unfortunately there really isn't anything you can do either. It is up to the child's mother to correct and teach (hopefully not punish). I would keep my child away from the other child. When that's impossible (I've had this happen before), I taught dd to say, "I will not let you hit me. We can play together nicely or I will leave." One more chance, and dd walked away.

Simply put, you or your child needs to avoid, as much as possible, the situation because it isn't up to you to decide how another child is disciplined. Sorry... I know that isn't the answer you're looking for.

As I stated previously, I am not trying to tell this mother how to discipline her child. I didn't even mention it to her. I did tell my son to try and stay away from this other boy because he obviously didn't want to play with him. But, after three times over the time we were there, I was hurt that nothing was done at all.

I am also trying to learn more about GD, but everytime I try, I get jumped all over because I don't do things exactly like most people on these boards. It makes me want to just give up asking about GD completely.

[mamazee]

The first time, I would have told my daughter to stop and talked to her about why hitting is wrong. The second time, we would have left. Not as punishment but because obviously she'd be having a bad day and wasn't able to play with other children right then.

I know kids who are very aggressive who are either GD'd or not really D'd at all. But I know an awful lot of kids who are very aggressive who are regularly punished, and often physically punished. I'm having a very hard time with a friend of my daughter's, because I don't feel like I can let her play in my house and hit my child, and she seems to do it every single time. So I send her home, her parents call to find out what happened, and then spank her. And the next time she comes over she seems even more angry and aggressive. I'm afraid I've told her she can't come over for a while. This is my daughter's house and it should be a safe place for her - not someplace where she gets hit all the time. Anyway, my point is that I don't think it's fair to present this as "GD'd kids hit and kids who get punished don't hit" because that simply isn't what I've seen at all by a long shot.

[StarMom2]

I never said that GD kids hit and others don't. Almost all kids hit, including mine. I am new to families who GD and didn't know if doing nothing was normal among those who say they practice GD. Also, I am not sure how to respond in such a situation.

I have no problem with parents who chose to GD. I have a problem when my child is repeatedly punched and nothing is done.

[dawncayden]

Is it possible to talk to the mom about all this?

You could say, 'I think my dc and your dc are having conflicts, can we talk about how we can help them?'

This way you aren't telling her how to discipline but you are stating there is a problem and you are willing to try to work it out.

[onlyzombiecat]

Is there someone running this playgroup who could speak to the mother about supervising her child better?

Are there rules for the group about behavior?

[Breeder]

Ot

Originally Posted by StarMom2

I am also trying to learn more about GD, but everytime I try, I get jumped all over because I don't do things exactly like most people on these boards. It makes me want to just give up asking about GD completely.

I understand how you feel. You are trying to do what is best for your kids, what you've found from experts so far is that spanking is ok as a last resort.. so you come on here about a related topic and then you are met with people who feel very strongly in a way completle opposite from what you have encountered thus far.

NO ONE here (that I have seen) GD's in exactly the same way as anyone else. NO ONE on earth is perfect. AND NO ONE is saying you are a terrible parent... even those who are passionately disagreeing with you. As I said before you sound like a loving mother who is trying her best with the knowledge you have and you are trying to find out about alternate forms of doing things. That's all anyone can do.

Many, many people who are regulars on the GD forum were just like you in the beginning. They spanked as a last resort because they thought it was necessary or they didn't know what GD was and came to ask questions.

One reason you got such a backlash is that you sited an expert that says that spanking is not harmful, which goes directly against what most people on this site believe.

I reaffirm that no matter what it is labeled "spanking" or "hitting", there is no loving way to inflict pain upon someone. And I hope that you can find a way to avoid that -even as a last resort in the future. The only way to find it is to get out there and do some research and ask some questions. The GD forum and Dr. Sears are good places to start.

[phathui5]

In the situation you described and my child were hitting other children, I would have had my child sit next to me until we were ready to leave. If I only had one child, I would take them home right away. Since I have four, I wouldn't want to end the other children's playtime because one of them was misbehaving.

[Shera971]

I don't know if I would say I am a true GD mom. I do timeouts, I count to 3 but I never spank.

If I see my son hit any one (including animals) I guess you could say I sweep in very quickly and intervene. I tell him "we do not hit other people/animals" and he immediately goes into time out for a cool off period. The time out spot is usally a quiet place away from all the action. When timeout is over (about a minute or so - DS is 3). We talk about why hitting is wrong and he must apologize to the person/animal he hit.

I have never been in a situation when another child hit mine and the other mother didn't immediately intervene. I remember I was at a play date and a little girl bit my DS. They were both 2 and she grabbed his hand and went to town on his finger. Poor DS was of course upset but I felt so badly for the mom - she was mortified!

If DS was being hit and nothing was being done, I would definitely step in and say to the other child "We don't hit" and then remove my child from the situation. Either get him involved with playing with another child or hanging out with me if he needs more support. If the other child hit DS again I don't know what I would do. I would want to leave but that seems like punishment for my kid instead of the hitter.

.... edited to add that my DH was reading this post over my shoulder and said this is what he would do; in a very loud voice say "We don't play with boys who are mean. Lets play over here". Hmmm, he can be very direct some times LOL


Anyway, I can sympathize with your feelings and I understand why days later it is still bothering you. I'd be the same!

[AbbieB]

When DD was a toddler we were involved in a few activities that another child also regularly attended. I would say that the other mother and I were acquaintances for about 3 years. This was in a small town so there were not alternatives to these particular activities that we could go to instead to avoid this particular child.

I remember 2 incidents that just made me

The first was at my house during a group activity attended by toddlers and their moms. This particular child was hitting my window with a toy hammer. I asked him to stop. The child did not. Mother was right there and did not do a thing. Then when I asked the mom to step in she was clearly annoyed with me.

The second incident was at the library in the children's section. DD and I were sitting at a table doing a puzzle. This particular child was also in the library with his mother. He was playing with blocks across the room. Out of nowhere this kid gets up, crosses the room, block in hand and hits DD over the head with it. Of course I yelled "Stop!" and had my arm out to block the blow (I saw it coming a little to late) and then quickly scooped up my DD for comfort. The other mom did nothing! She did not move. She did not apologize. She did not redirect her child. After DD was calm I went over to this other mom and said something about how hard it can be at this age as a way to let the mom know that we were calm and OK and ready to talk. You would not believe the crappy look she gave me, like I was some wack-a-do stranger coming up to her on the street. She said nothing to me or my child. We ended up leaving the library, missing story time. DD ended up with quite a bruise on her forehead.

Because of this child's aggressive behavior we stopped going to story time for awhile (DD was clearly upset to see this kid), completely left a play group and avoided any LLL meetings or activities where she and her child would be present.

It totally sucks when other's behavior and lack of responsibility for it ruins the fun.

To answer the OP: If I had been this other mom I would have 1. been mortified, 2. apologized profusely, 3. removed my child from the group for some talking/redirection, and 4. gone back to the hurt child when things had calmed down and checked to see if she was OK with more apologies. In the future I would be staying very close to my child at any group activity until this aggressive stage was worked through.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by StarMom2

Ok - one of the problems I have with GD is that my observation has been it means no discipline. So, there is a difference?

Huge difference. Come over to the Gentle Discilpine board if you want to know more!

If I were that parent, I would have:
-Physically intervened to prevent more damage (if possible, sometimes you can't get there in time)
-I would have apologized to the child, checked to make sure he was ok.
-I would have pointed out to my child that he hurt the other child, and asked him to make amends (give a hug, get an ice pack or say sorry)
-I would have moved my child to another spot where he was not likely to come into contact with other kids for a few minutes if he was under 3/sat him down next to me for a 'cooling off' period if he were over 3
-Reminded my child that he needs to be gentle with his body

If it happened a second time in one playgroup, I'd leave. Not so much as punishment to my child but as a "oh, you're having a hard time being gentle today. We need to go where you can be by yourself so we keep everyone safe" kind of way.

It's GD because there's no shaming, there's no spanking and the consequence is a logical one (if you can't play nicely, you can't play here).

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by theretohere

There is a difference, but honestly most people I've met IRL (in 3 states, different sizes communities) who say that they practice GD really do seem to not discipline at all. All the people who seem to be excellent with GD are online.

that's not my experience at all. I know a mixture of families. We have about 6 families with young children in our neighborhood. 4 do GD, 2 don't -- one appears to be pretty clueless and one spanks (or at least I've heard them threaten to, I've never seen it, and they tend to be more talk than action too).

At our church, all the parents do GD.

I really think it depends on your community.

Originally Posted by StarMom2

The issue I am having is what to do when my child is punched by another child whose mother does nothing.

I'd have an issue with this. But this is the mom's issue, and I'd say she needs to be made aware that doing nothing isn't an acceptable choice. This doesn't need to be confrontational or offensive, sometimes direct politeness works.

1. I'd talk to the other mom in as friendly a way as I could -- "I noticed that Junior is punching my son. What can we do so both kids are safe?"

2. If that didn't work, I'd take it up with the director/whoever's in charge of the open playgroup. They have the authority to exclude him/ask his mother to intervene.

[Mama Poot]

If MY kid punched another kid? Remove them swiftly from the situation, apologize to the victim's parents, and take away privileges at home like favorite toys or videos.

If MY kid was the VICTIM.....well, I hope it never happens because the perpetrator's parents are gonna get one angry mama in their face

This *almost* happened at a play area. A 3 year old kept shoving Henri and trying to instigate a fight. Henri just hid from him and looked so confused. I didn't say anything because Henri didn't get hurt, but the mom was just sitting there chatting on a cellphone and totally not supervising her child. Very frustrating :

[lindberg99]

If a gym person talked to the mother about her son's behavior and she didn't do anything, I'd assume that she is not going to do anything if I said something to her either.

Therefore, what I would do is constantly shadow my son and hopefully prevent any further incidents before they start. If the boy tried to hit my son, I would tell him that he should not hit people.

I'd do that for a few times and if things did not improve or I noticed the boy was still hitting other children, then I would do what a PP suggested and talk to the head of the gym about it.

[east carolina]

I feel so bad for the kids whose parents are not dealing with their behavior and are getting excluded form playgroups. IMO the parents should be excluded, if anything. And if their parents are disciplining them, society will and should, and we should be as GD with children who are not ours as we are with ours.

I would try very hard to remain calm and realize that the child doing the punching is still a child. I would have no problem going up and asking him to stop punching and explain that it hurts and use his words. If I saw why he was punching, like if DS had a toy that he wanted to play with, I would ask both boys to share and make sure that after 5 minutes the toy is exchanged.

And as a pp said, I would work out a strategy with my DS about what to do and say in that situation. My DS has never gotten punched, but he's had sand thrown on him at the sand box and he's been hit and pushed a couple of times. I always tell him to disengage from the situation. Like, don't just sit there and let someone throw sand on you, move away. As he gets older I'll give advice about how to diffuse anger through humor and non-violent communication.

I would also definitely talk to the organizers of this playgroup and work out a strategy of how to deal with this boy and his mother that would not involve them being thrown out or excluded.

[chaoticzenmom]

I think you should think about what YOU should do next time since this isn't the first time, nor will it be the last. You can't control what you can do, but you can complain loudly I would

Talk to the head person of the playgroup/gym about the problem.

Next time, I would go straight to the mother and make her aware of the problem "Would you please remind "johnny" not to hit because he seems to hit my son everytime we come and it's making playgroup much less fun for my son."

If it happened again, I would say VERY LOUDLY "It's not nice to hit. Don't play with Johnny if he's not being nice. Stay far away from him. Then, I would tell johnny that hitting isn't nice.", then, I would stay right near my son for the rest of the playdate. I would also probably be very angry at the mother and ask for her assistance in a loud enough voice that it would be embarrasing to her. "Can you please watch your son because he's hurting the other children."

She should be embarrased for doing nothing. Maybe she thought you were ok with what happened. Next time, make sure she knows that you're not ok with it at all.

[Marsupialmom]

GD or not the hitter needs to be removed from the situation.

I think it would be reasonable if the play group came up with an idea of how to handle hitting and teaching no hitting for ALL the adults to stick with.