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Please help-post 15-he's at it again.-update 80, 96

post #1 of 119
12/14/08 at 12:38pm
Thread Starter 
Ex has just informed me that he's going to be keeping ds until 7pm tonight. Our court order has him keeping ds until 3pm, at which time we meet and exchange ds. I told him that bedtime was unacceptable because we meet 2 hours (half-way) away from my house and tomorrow is a work/daycare day. Plus I haven't seen ds (or nursed him! Ouch!) in two days and I'd like to have some of my own time before bed. He said that He'll be there at 7 no matter what, and that's his right as ds' parent.

I called the police to get their input and they said this is a civil issue and all I can do is file papers to the court because he will be in contempt of orders.

Is there anything I can do? It's 17 degrees outside and will just get colder as night falls. I'm extremely upset that he's doing this. Part of me is inclined to just not show up. Then he'll have to either a) drive ds to my house and save me the gas or b) keep ds and violate the order even further (which he wouldn't do because he has to work and has no childcare tomorrow.)

Suggestions?

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post #2 of 119
12/14/08 at 1:08pm
Go with it. If you fail to pick him up it'll look bad on you. Meet him at 7 and tomorrow morning (or as soon as you can) file with the court. I know it sucks and it'll throw off bedtime, but it'll be ok. Just don't let him think you'll stand me idly and let him get away with it next time.
post #3 of 119
12/14/08 at 1:59pm
If there is a designated place for pick-up, I would send an email and phone my ex telling him that I was going to be at the designated meeting place at the time specified in the court order and expect him to be there with DS. As neutrally as possible.

Then, I would go. If he doesn't show, I would call the police and ask to file a report with them about his failure to show up as ordered. (Also documenting your presence there.)

Then, with "neutral proof" in hand, I would have my lawyer write and send a sternly worded letter about the need to follow the court order and that his behavior is unacceptable and illegal, etc.

Then, I would be back at the pick up place at 7 to get DS. (If you don't show, he is not under any obligation to drive all the way to you if the orders state that you are to meet at a given spot.)

But, I wouldn't necessarily file with the court yet. (Unless your lawyer recommends filing for contempt ASAP.) It takes more than once to show a pattern and for the court to do more than just tell him to knock it off. Plus, the more you've done to stop his behavior without involving the judge, the better and more mature you'll look to the court.
post #4 of 119
12/14/08 at 2:05pm
I would do what Ione suggests.

It's very inconvienent (I know!) but it's worth the trouble in order to document this instance and any future instances to show a pattern. Otherwise, you'll be dealing with this for a long, long time.

Good luck! and
post #5 of 119
12/14/08 at 2:07pm
Thread Starter 
The police said that they can't get involved... So if I call them, I'm assuming they can't do anything, right?
post #6 of 119
12/14/08 at 2:11pm
No they can't do anything to actively bring your child there but they will take a report which documents your presence at the appropriate time and place specified in the order.

Bring your court order with you so they can see it for their report.
post #7 of 119
12/14/08 at 2:30pm
Ione gave you some great advice Please take it. Also get a police inforcement clause added to your court order ASAP. With it the police have more power to intervene.
post #8 of 119
12/14/08 at 2:33pm
Is there a reason he wants to keep him late? Or did he just tell you he won't be there at the designated time?
post #9 of 119
12/14/08 at 2:53pm
What you do is go to the designated meet-up place on time. Once you are there, go somewhere local and and purchase something. Save the receipt. It will show that you were there when you were supposed to be.

If this happens a second time, go to the designated meet-up place and when he doesn't show, call the police, bring your court order with you. They won't do anything other than a police report. Which you can take with you when you file contempt of court charges and ask for make up time.

I would also ask that your ex picks the child up at your place and that you pick your child up at his place. This way, you get your child at the designated time.

And be sure to ask the court to order your ex to pay your legal fees since it was his actions that led to this expense.
post #10 of 119
12/14/08 at 3:43pm
Thread Starter 

Update

During our last conversation, I had told him that if he wanted to bring ds back that late, he would have to make the 4-hour drive to my house because I'm not responsible for being on the road for two hours after dark in sub-freezing weather with ds. I also told him that if he chose not to bring back ds, I would be filing a motion to the court stating that he's in contempt.

So ex just calls me... He APOLOGIZED! He said that he'd wanted to take ds to the museum after nap time and he was sorry he didn't fully explain. He asked if he could keep ds until 4pm and said that he didn't want this kind of contention between us because it wasn't good for anyone involved. He has been such a you-know-what to me for so long that I didn't even know what to say. I told him that an extra hour was fine, but from now on we need to discuss it in advance instead of fighting about it like this.

Thanks to all the pps! I think the idea of getting a reciept at our meeting location is pure genius, and I will be doing that from now on.
post #11 of 119
12/17/08 at 4:11pm
Awesome OP!!!

I always get a receipt when I arrive, just so there can be no accusations that I am late, etc.

We meet at a gas station so I just pull up to the pump and put in a gallon or so.
post #12 of 119
12/17/08 at 10:47pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by tessa67 View Post
Awesome OP!!!

I always get a receipt when I arrive, just so there can be no accusations that I am late, etc.

We meet at a gas station so I just pull up to the pump and put in a gallon or so.
Do you have any kind of clause in your agreement that protect you if you leave because he's late? There have been several times that I've waited up to 20 minutes because "something happened to the car" or "gf wanted to come and wasn't ready to leave yet" and he threatens to call the cops if I don't wait. My instinctive response is "Ok, call the cops. Then THEY can drive ds two hours to meet with you and they can see what it's like to wait"
post #13 of 119
12/18/08 at 10:55pm
It's been awhile, so I had forgotten this, but your post brought it back to me. Years ago my ex also was late or absent several times when we agreed to meet somewhere to exchange and I decided all pickups would be at my house from then on. If/when he didn't come, we just went on our like normal. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
post #14 of 119
12/19/08 at 12:45am
Quote:
Originally Posted by TearyCloud View Post
Do you have any kind of clause in your agreement that protect you if you leave because he's late? There have been several times that I've waited up to 20 minutes because "something happened to the car" or "gf wanted to come and wasn't ready to leave yet" and he threatens to call the cops if I don't wait. My instinctive response is "Ok, call the cops. Then THEY can drive ds two hours to meet with you and they can see what it's like to wait"
What you do is get a receipt when you get there and after you have waited at least 20 mintues, get a receipt at the same place or another store in the same area to show that you actually waited a reasonable amount of time. Do this every single time. If he calls, document that and write down the reason he gave.

Let him call the cops. They aren't going to do anything other than give him a police report. And then he can explain to the courts, if he is stupid enough to file contempt of court charges, why he was that late each and every time. He is probably going to find that it doesn't go the way he wants it to once the court views the proof that you were there when you were supposed to be and waited a reasonable amount of time.
post #15 of 119
12/25/08 at 10:49am
Thread Starter 

Christmas issues-Help Please

X is scheduled to take ds this afternoon until tomorrow night. DS has only done one overnight at a time with ex. That is the court order

He has just emailed to tell me he's keeping ds through sunday. Ds is still home with me. If I don't let him go, I am in contempt. If I do let him go, he'll be gone for three nights and probably miserable. I know ex will be in contempt if he keeps ds, but by that time the damage will be done and ds will be really unhappy. What do I do? Keep ds? What would you do? I'm freaking out.
post #16 of 119
12/25/08 at 1:13pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by TearyCloud View Post
X is scheduled to take ds this afternoon until tomorrow night. DS has only done one overnight at a time with ex. That is the court order

He has just emailed to tell me he's keeping ds through sunday. Ds is still home with me. If I don't let him go, I am in contempt. If I do let him go, he'll be gone for three nights and probably miserable. I know ex will be in contempt if he keeps ds, but by that time the damage will be done and ds will be really unhappy. What do I do? Keep ds? What would you do? I'm freaking out.
I would email X and quote the court order of one overnight. I would go further to say if he is unhappy with only one overnight then he is welcome to forgo the overnight all together and to let you know in writing what his choice is today before he picks up ds.

On a side note IF I felt my dd was truly in a situation that would not be healthy for her or where she would be truly unhappy then I would simply say, "No" and not let her be picked up! Sorry but a court cannot tell me how to raise my daughter and I will not live in fear of contempt. Given that I have a track record of being extremely reasonable with dd's dad it would be easy to prove I was putting my dd's needs first in the situation. That said, I realize that may not be the way many mamas feel.
post #17 of 119
12/25/08 at 1:14pm
I would keep him and keep the e mail that ex sent you since in the e-mail it shows his plan to begin with.

I would not let him go
post #18 of 119
12/25/08 at 1:21pm
I'd be afraid of being in contempt of court and having even less leverage the next time I went back to court. I'd let him go, but tell XH that the court order states that he only gets ONE overnight, and that you expect DS back by X time on Friday night, or else you'll call the police to enforce the custody agreement. (you do have it in writing, right?)

Then, if the child isn't home within half an hour of the agreed upon time on Friday, follow through and call the police.
post #19 of 119
12/25/08 at 1:24pm
"The court order states she is to be home Friday. If you cannot bring her home Friday, lets arrange another day for you to celebrate with her" Something like that?
post #20 of 119
12/25/08 at 1:50pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by momof3boysand1girl View Post
I would keep him and keep the e mail that ex sent you since in the e-mail it shows his plan to begin with.

I would not let him go
yup.
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Mothering › Mothering Discussion Forums › Parenting › Life as a Parent › Single Parenting › Please help-post 15-he's at it again.-update 80, 96