Help with Writing a Paper Against CIO and Sleep Training

[Deer Hunter]

Mods, if this is in the wrong place, please move it to wherever you see fit. Thanks so much.

We all here really hate CIO. I hate it so much that it would make me become enraged at the unnecessary trauma that parents were causing to their infants. It woudl also hurt me that they were creating insecure individals since they were forced to be independent before they were ready, which could cause disasterous results, as we all here know. Not ot mention, sleep training is so unpleasant, as baby is left to scream itself into a fatigue-ridden, exhausted sleep, which is anything but pleasant, until they just do not bother to cry anymore. All along, parents blissfully believe that their bundle of joy is sleeping in pure peace since after training.

Because becoming enraged will only lose the message I'm trying to convey, I've thought of a very constructive approach. I'm now writing a paper packed with evidence as to why sleep training is not in the baby's best interest and why it is important to soothe your child until he is ready. The title is, "The Case Against Crying it Out and Sleep Training." When it is finished, I'm posting it all over the net. It will be on every content site I can think of, and I'll even try to get it into Parent magazine. I'm determined to be an AP advocate. Being such really offsets my rage because I know I have a mission. That mission can only be accomplished when calm.

In this paper, I write about the following:

1. How God created the mother and the baby and the relationship between them.
2. What proponents of CIO say and why they justify the practice.
3. What happens to the mother and baby when CIO and sleep training are used.
4. What happens when a mother ignores her child's cries for what she thinks is for his best interest.
5. The Bible's viewpoint on this issue. (Some of you may not be religious, but that is totally okay. I still woudl love your feedback, too. It doesn't matter a person's religious background. Everyone who wants to is more than welcomed to offer feedback.)
6. What leading psychologists say about the practice. (This is against CIO by the way and telling parents why they should not do it.)
7. Then the paper will cause parents to look at the common sense side of things.

If there is anything I should add that you all think is a good idea, please let me know. It is half finished, and when it is done, I'll give all of you a copy to use as a sort of pamphlet to advocate against the method. This will be my gift to you for your help. Just please, remember to give me the credit for the paper.

I look forward to seeing what some of you will say and the good ideas you can throw my way. Thanks so much in advanced for your time.

And mods, I hope that this post does not violate the TOS in any way. If it does for any reason, please contact me to fix the problem. Take care, all of you.

[Deer Hunter]

Come on. Anyone?

[octobermom]

7. Then the paper will cause parents to look at the common sense side of things.

Honestly there are few even mainstream sources and people that really suport and reccomend full CIO such as extention methods ect . If when you write keep this in mind also consider the parents side and remember compassion for them as well. I'm NOT advocating CIO in any form at all don't get me wrong but I also know what its like to have the child who despite every fiber of effort you had not be able to settle down you (the adult/parent) getting to the point it was eaither put them someplace safe for 5 mintues so you can re gain composure or honestly risk harming them. And the guilt of even thinking that way causing further issues.
I'll be very honest here there is research after research out there againt CIO I can even open basic parenting magizines and get such advice they might not be biggie on co sleeping or extended BF they might think no biggie to formula ect but the general reccomendation to not CIO is there... I'm not suggesting more should be said but I've read many of your posts on this subject and you very "passionate" about this thats good to a point but you need to make sure you can really consider all angles before writing such a paper if its intended to really help others.

Deanna

[octobermom]

BTW I'm not saying don't do it but to really really address all sides its not as simple as CIO = evil horrible uncarring selfish parents.

Deanna

[Dame]

Originally Posted by octobermom

BTW I'm not saying don't do it but to really really address all sides its not as simple as CIO = evil horrible uncarring selfish parents.

Deanna

:

[Deer Hunter]

Originally Posted by octobermom

Honestly there are few even mainstream sources and people that really suport and reccomend full CIO such as extention methods ect . If when you write keep this in mind also consider the parents side and remember compassion for them as well. I'm NOT advocating CIO in any form at all don't get me wrong but I also know what its like to have the child who despite every fiber of effort you had not be able to settle down you (the adult/parent) getting to the point it was eaither put them someplace safe for 5 mintues so you can re gain composure or honestly risk harming them. And the guilt of even thinking that way causing further issues.
I'll be very honest here there is research after research out there againt CIO I can even open basic parenting magizines and get such advice they might not be biggie on co sleeping or extended BF they might think no biggie to formula ect but the general reccomendation to not CIO is there... I'm not suggesting more should be said but I've read many of your posts on this subject and you very "passionate" about this thats good to a point but you need to make sure you can really consider all angles before writing such a paper if its intended to really help others.

Deanna

Great advice. I want this paper to be as nonjudgmental as possible, so they are more willing to see the advice. I don't want to turn them away. You are so right in what you said. Thanks so much. I've seen many parents leave their babes in the crib to scream themselves to sleep. Some I've seen even got to the point that they'd shake the crib violently. They'd scream to the top of their lungs, and to no avail. You'd be surprised as to how many do that. I've seen more parents than my liking.

I also remember just one incident when it was done to me. I remember it vividly. I was two years of age. I lay in my crib screaming because I was scared. I could describe the object I was deeply afraid of, but I just can't put a name to it. I remember soiling my diaper to the brim and screaming my hardest. My mom did come in after awhile, changed the diaper, and just left me to scream it out some more. I don't ever remember it happening again. When I was finally moved into my own room--the crib was in their room, and I guess they wanted to experiment with CIO--I was terrified again. I remember my mother saying, "She's afraid." Then, I was brought back into my parents' room.

I had the priveledge of being with my parents all the time as a baby because I was in the hospital a lot. But, my sibs were not that lucky. CIO was done to all of them because my parents believed they needed to be "sleep trained." Everytime it was done, I'd go into my room and cry in secret until the crying stopped. I never wanted my parents to see me crying over it since, when I was a child, I viewed my showing tears as a sign of weakness. Thank God I don't have that view anymore. CIO bothers me. It is one thing if the child does not want to go to sleep and nothing calms them. So, my feeling is, put them in the crib, sit next to it, and let them cry if nothing else works. I just would not leave them to scream it out all alone.

I took care of my friend's anxious child for her so she could have a break. She is a very tempermental babe. It was well past bedtime, and she was over tired. I gave her the bottle, patted her back. rocked her, sang to her, walked the floors with her, and did all I could. Nothing. So, I just layed in my bed with her on my chest and let her cry. She eventually got tired, but that is what I did. At least through crying, she had the closeness of another human being there, and she was not traumatized by being left in a completely dark room to cry all alone in a crib until vomiting or being overcome with immense exhaustion and fatigue accompanied with full body aches. Believe me, I understand when nothing else works. It stinks so bad because you just want that child to calm down and be okay. It racks your brains to hear the child constantly crying. You think to yourself, "If only they could just talk. I would not have to hear that crying anymore." It just has to be so frustrating to be a baby to have crying as an only form of communication, and sometimes, it is ignored or misinturpreted. I'm glad I can communicate! I'll be addressing this part also in my paper about what parents could do when it comes down to this.

Thanks so much, again. Keep all the advice coming, even if you disagree. If you do not agree, I'm interested in knowing why you do. Blessings.

[LynnS6]

Grr... I hit the wrong key a lost a long post. Let me see if I can recreate it.

A couple of points to think about:
I think it's important to distinguish crying from CIO. I've read a lot of posts on several boards from moms who are feeling horribly guilty because their baby cries at bedtime while in their arms. That's not CIO, but they think it is because the baby cries itself to sleep.

I also think that it's important to acknowledge the roll of culture in all of this. In many societies, children don't CIO because everyone shares one room for sleeping. Often this is economically motivated - not a lot of families in the world have enough income for a separate sleeping room for a child. Somewhere (not sure where because I'm not an anthropologist) our society developed the notion that independence was paramount. That value is so important, and so deeply instilled in people that they are willing to go against their gut instincts to help their children achieve this.

In a more practical way, not only are you taking on a core value of American culture when you preach against CIO, you're also taking on "everyone's" mom and grandma and the ladies at church, and your neighbor and your doctor. That's a big hurdle to overcome.

Isolation and parental desperation need to be taken into consideration as well. How most Americans are parenting these days is a far cry from the village life where society developed. Families used to have a network of others to help - women got together to work, men worked/hunted in groups, older children tended younger children, and there was always someone to spell a mother in a pinch.

As a pp said, it's important to give parents strategies for when their babies won't calm down. I have left the room when it got too much for me. Not for long, but for long enough to calm down. (The day dd threw her book and broke my laptop it was a considerable amount of time.)

OK, putting my writing advisor hat on:
You've got a lot of different threads to weave in your paper (7 major points you want to make) and that's a LOT. Is there a way to get this down to 3-4? In addition, you're going to need to work hard on some connections - especially the connections between the Biblical information and the current psychology research, for example.

Finally, who is your audience? This is going to shape, in large part, the nature of your argument.

Is it parents who are wondering whether CIO is right? Is it parents who are already convinced that CIO is wrong and just need ammunition to back it up? Is it parents who are users of CIO?

Your argument for a parent who's on the fence is going to be different from your argument to a parent who's used CIO and "not seen" any bad effects on their children.

I don't think you can adequately address all three audiences in one paper.

[Deer Hunter]

Wow! Thanks so much for your lengthy post! At the advice of you guys, I'm going to have a question and answer section in my paper. What that will consist of is concerns raised by parents and I'll give an answer by an expert on how to handle things, hence a stragy for them in a pinch. Dr. Sears is awesome for that, but I'm doing more research, so I can have a variety of expert opinions.

Some of the questions will be:

What if my baby can't fall asleep anywhere else than my arms?
When I put him down after getting him to sleep, he awakes again. i just can't win, and I'm exhausted. What can be done?
My child cries every night at bedtime because he wants to sta up. How can I handle this?
I can't calm my child down. What do you suggest? If you know of any more, please add them. I'm trying to come from all sides on this for the benefit of all parents.

In my paper, I make a very, very clear distinction about cry it out and allowing the child to cry with you present, a method I've done millions of times when the child just refuses bedtime. Not to mention, I have taken care of several tempermental children who are very hard to soothe. I did not feel guilty for allowing them to cry because they were not LEFT to cry it out all alone in a dark room in their crib until they were overcome by fatigue and exhaustion due to being ignored. They still had my closeness. They were not getting their way, that's all. I wanted them to have a consistent routine, something kids need to feel safe. But, I'm not at all a fan of "training" a baby. When I hear of "sleep training" nothing at all pleasant comes to mind. All that does come to mind is a baby, helpless in every way, confused and scared crying it out in a crib all alone. Some experts even condone allowing a child to do it until soiling a diaper to the brim or covering themselves in vomit. What's more, I think of the baby giving up crying and going to bed quietly when placed in his crib because he knew that there was no use in crying and just gave up. All along, parents blissfully believe that their child is so very happy from sleep training and sleeping in peace that is tranquil, when all along, they refuse to understand what actually could be going through that child's head. Sleep training rarely produces any positive images for me. I cringe when hearing those two words strung together. Thank goodness CIO was only TRIED on me once. I was pretty fortunate to be the first born. I always had parental attention. Not to mention, I guess being in the hospital a lot as an infant helped. My siblings were not so fortunate, as they were sleep trained hard core.

I'm also going to express how listening to sleep training advice will not only train the baby to not trust, but it will train the mother to ignore vital cues from her babe, such as the baby has worked himself up in a panic due to the lack of presence from the parent. I'm even going to go as far as telling people to watch other mammals when trying to parent their kids. Animals of the wild--and I'd know because I'm a regular hunter--do NOT separate themselves from their young ones. They are always responsive to their needs, not ignoring them for a second. They don't have sleep training or feeding schedules that are strict. They don't put their young in a separate cave, den, or hole to scream it out all alone and force their little bodies to have a physical response, or multiple ones at that. An animal would not even allow enough time for things like that to happen. An animal separated cries out because he is scared and wants the mother to find him. A baby does the same. This is merely survival. When the signals are ignored, the baby becomes confused and scared. Though parents and other carers know he is safe all tucked away in his crib--accept for running the risk of him hanging himself in the bars, which is my reason for being scared of allowing Younger babies to sleep in a crib alone--the baby does not know he is safe and secure, hence the reason for crying and screaming. This is why I feel CIO is singularly barbaric and feel the need to constructively educate in the most loving way possible. I could not imagine being helpless and not being able to tell someone I was mortified while being forced into doing the very thing I was extremely and immensely terrified to do. On top of that, like the baby, I'd be too helpless to fight back, as I was much smaller and weaker than the person in control of me. The thought of that makes me cringe. I feel that too many have intelectulized things too much trying to make baby rearing as convenient and instant as everything else in western culture. After all, people have microwaves to zap meals, technology to do jobs that used to be done by hand, a dish washer to do the dishes, and all that. So they reasons that the same level of convenience should apply to a baby. Sorry, it doesn't work that way.

Thanks for the great ideas. Keep them coming. I appreciate all of you so much. And sorry for the long post. It is just that I have a lot to say, and the topic of CIO is a very passionate one for me, one that is very near to my heart. I'm so passionate that I dream of liberating every baby that is forced to go to bed at night in a panicked frenzy.