What should guests expect/do at a wedding of your faith?

[Smokering]

This is kind of a spinoff thread from my 'What does your faith say about brides and modest dress?' one--in fact, it's for the same article, my editor changed the theme. Sooo!

If I were to come to your Muslim, Bahai, Buddhist etc wedding, what should I wear and how should I behave? Would I be expected to participate in any rituals? Should I avoid wearing a certain colour, or behave differently than usual to members of the opposite sex, or anything along those lines? Should I be prepared for a very long service in Latin/Arabic/Mandarin, and would I be expected to stand, kneel or repeat things at various points? Would there be drinking? Would it be appropriate for me to give a gift or money?

I realise that culture and faith kind of overlap in this area, but I'd be interested in any and all thoughts on the matter!

For example, if I'd thought it necessary to warn my friends about my Reformed Baptist wedding, I'd have told them to expect a longish, explicitly Christian service with some hymns and pretty 'hard-core' vows. I wore a modest dress and most of the guests wore modest clothes, but nothing particular was expected in that regard. We had no alcohol at the reception because the venue forbade it (Bible college--plus, I don't like the taste of alcohol, and it was cheaper!). That was about it... all other expectations were pretty much your average Western standard.

Thanks for any insights!

[odenata]

My DH and I had a combined Episcopal/Catholic wedding, and had programs that detailed the entire service to make people more comfortable and to outline anything they would not be familiar with. We also included this at the beginning of our program:

The ceremony is a combination of the traditional Episcopal and Catholic nuptial masses. Father G, rector of C Episcopal Church, and Father J, a Catholic priest who is a close friend of the H family, will preside at the wedding. Eucharist, or communion, will be celebrated and presided over by Father G. We invite all who wish to join, from any background, to take part in communion with us. If you do not wish to participate, simply remain seated. We hope all our guests will feel comfortable participating or observing as they choose. We respect the various backgrounds and faiths of all that will be gathered to help us celebrate our marriage, and want all our guests to feel welcome and comfortable during our service.

[Smokering]

In a regular Catholic nuptial mass, are guests expected/allowed to participate in the Eucharist? I was under the impression that you were supposed to be Catholic, but I may be wrong; or is it dependent on the individual church? What about Christians who aren't Catholic? I've only been to one Catholic wedding, where it seemed most people went up, including one woman who I know is Anglican.... actually, duh, it was SIL's wedding and she's online. I'll ask her.

OK, she says 'well a Catholic wedding is a Mass plus a bit extra, so the same rules apply as to a normal Mass - only Catholics without serious sin on their conscience and who have done the necessary preparation are allowed to partake in the Eucharist'. Any corroboration or argumentation on that?

[Arduinna]

That is true, all the same normal rules apply to taking the Eucharist at a nuptial mass as at any other Catholic mass.

[odenata]

Originally Posted by Smokering

In a regular Catholic nuptial mass, are guests expected/allowed to participate in the Eucharist? I was under the impression that you were supposed to be Catholic, but I may be wrong; or is it dependent on the individual church? What about Christians who aren't Catholic? I've only been to one Catholic wedding, where it seemed most people went up, including one woman who I know is Anglican.... actually, duh, it was SIL's wedding and she's online. I'll ask her.

OK, she says 'well a Catholic wedding is a Mass plus a bit extra, so the same rules apply as to a normal Mass - only Catholics without serious sin on their conscience and who have done the necessary preparation are allowed to partake in the Eucharist'. Any corroboration or argumentation on that?

In regards to our wedding ceremony, it was the Episcopal Father, not the Catholic priest, who presided, so the Catholic traditions of Eucharist didn't apply.

[lolar2]

There is a book called How to Be A Perfect Stranger which is about how to behave when visiting services of various religions, including weddings.

[rsps]

Originally Posted by lolar2

There is a book called How to Be A Perfect Stranger which is about how to behave when visiting services of various religions, including weddings.

I was just about to recommend this book too. My library has it and it is very helpful/interesting.

[Tradd]

For Orthodox Christian weddings:

*Lasts about an hour. Orthodox stand to worship, but if you need to sit down, you can. Depending on the church building, there might not be pews or chairs in the middle of the nave itself, but there will be at least some benches/chairs along the walls.

*There are NO vows! This totally throws a lot of people who are used to Catholic/Protestant weddings. In fact, the happy couple doesn't say a thing except for "Lord, have mercy" in response to the litanies.

*The couple meet at the back of the church. There is no processional with bride's father walking her up to the groom at the foot of the altar like in Catholic/Protestant weddings. While *some* Orthodox churches do this, it's NOT normal.

*Rings are exchanged at the back of the church before the couple moves to the front. The Orthodox tradition is to wear them on the ring finger of the RIGHT hand, although since it's common in western society to put them on the left hand, people will sometimes move them to the left hand after the ceremony. This is called the "betrothal" part of the service.

*Wedding crowns are used. In the Greek/Middle Eastern tradition, these are made of greenery or flowers. In the Slavic tradition, they are metal crowns, looking like royal crowns. These signify both that the couple are the king/queen of their home, but also the crowns of the martyrs. This is the "crowning" part of the service and the actual "legal" part of an Orthodox ceremony - aka "what makes you married."

*Music is all vocal, acapella, but once in a while there might be a bit of organ (in Greek parishes).

*The service might be partially in another language (such as Greek or Church Slavonic - ancestor of Russian).

*It's very uncommon for the Eucharist to be part of an Orthodox wedding, so there are no issues about who can/cannot receive (only Orthodox Christians - we don't practice "open communion.") Communion.

*Sunday afternoon is the traditional day/time for Orthodox weddings. Depending on the bishop, you have to get permission to have a Saturday afternoon wedding, for example, and that permission may not be easily granted.

[mamabadger]

Additionally on Orthodox Christian weddings: friends and family members have found it helpful to hand out a short pamphlet to guests as they arrive, or include one with the invitation, outlining what to expect at the service.

There has also been the dilemma of how to ask guests to dress appropriately. Most Orthodox parishes insist on modest dress for both sexes in church, while a summer wedding for many people means skimpy clothing. No one I know has ever found a way to approach the matter which was both polite and effective.

[lilyka]

I am Orthodox but I swear n one dresses modestly so i wouldn't bother asking my guests to dress modestly. Their shame is theres and we won't kick them out for not knowing any better.

and no, visitors are expected to act respectfully towards holy objects (and there are people watching and ready to politely intervene) and act respectfully during the service, otherwise nothing is expected. You are free to participate or not however you choose. I will likely be different than any wedding you have been to but just watch everyone else and do what they do.

and these things pretty much go for any service.

otherwise wear comfy shoes and elastic waist bands. OPAH!

*Sunday afternoon is the traditional day/time for Orthodox weddings. Depending on the bishop, you have to get permission to have a Saturday afternoon wedding, for example, and that permission may not be easily granted.

is this jurisdictional maybe? All our weddings are on Friday evenings or Saturday morning/afternoon. We have never had a wedding on a Sunday.

[Tradd]

deleted

[Turkish Kate]

We're Muslim, but culture dictates the ceremony much more than the religion. In Turkiye, the wedding itself is a secular event, usually done at a "wedding hall" which is really a big JoP type thing. Just the bride, groom, and two unrelated witnesses are present. There is usually a "kina gecesi" (henna night) the night before where the whole countryside turns out for food, music, dancing, and the wedding party and their families have henna painted on their hands. After the "wedding hall" ceremony (where the bride and groom simply answer in the affirmative that they are entering into the marriage unencumbered and of their own free will, sign some papers, you're done), they have the reception, which is a huge party with gifts, dancing, etc. Somewhere in there, most couples have an imam come to the house or they go to the mosque to have the wedding prayers done, but it's not usually a big deal, just the bride and groom and a few family members. Click the blog link in my siggy and follow the links to pictures of the last Turkish wedding we attended.

[Smokering]

This is all fascinating! Thanks.

Turkish Kate: What about Muslim dress requirements for guests? Everyone seemed pretty decent in the photos, but it was hard to gather specifics. Again, will that vary according to culture, or is it fairly constant?

I'll check out How to Be a Perfect Stranger; thanks! Come to think of it, I bet Miss Manners has a thing or two to say on the subject as well. She usually does!

[Turkish Kate]

Originally Posted by Smokering

Turkish Kate: What about Muslim dress requirements for guests? Everyone seemed pretty decent in the photos, but it was hard to gather specifics. Again, will that vary according to culture, or is it fairly constant?

Style of dress definitely varies according to culture. Consider the typical dress of Pakistanis, Saudis, Egyptians, Turks, etc. Beyond that, Muslim dress code is for Muslims and has nothing to do with non-Muslims. You wouldn't be expected to wear a headscarf, unless you were attending a function in a mosque, which is true even for those visiting as tourists (at least in Turkiye).

[lilyka]

as far as dress code goes I think regardless of religon when entering a holy place modest conservative dress is always a safe choice. When walking into a church or other place where I am unsure of the dress code i wear a loose shirt that hits at least at the collar bone, 3/4 length sleeves or longer, and a skirt tea length or longer. lets face it even if no one really cares what you are wearing you may feel out of place if you are the only one wearing a sleaveless shirt that shows cleavage. . . .

[theretohere]

Something different at our weddings:
there is not supposed to be a kiss up at the altar, so no "You may kiss the bride" moment. A lot of clergy are allowing it though.
Sometimes there is communion, but it's only open to members and sometimes only to the wedding party.
The bride promises to obey her husband.

Other then that, I think we're pretty generic.

[Liquesce]

Originally Posted by Smokering

If I were to come to your Muslim, Bahai, Buddhist etc wedding, what should I wear and how should I behave? Would I be expected to participate in any rituals? Should I avoid wearing a certain colour, or behave differently than usual to members of the opposite sex, or anything along those lines? Should I be prepared for a very long service in Latin/Arabic/Mandarin, and would I be expected to stand, kneel or repeat things at various points? Would there be drinking? Would it be appropriate for me to give a gift or money?

While a lot of the muslim wedding traditions are indeed culturally relative, quite a lot stem from specifically religious tradition ... but to that effect guests are still mostly just expected to have a good time. As a non-muslim guest you would typically not be expected to participate in any rituals -- a mosque wedding is very likely to immediately follow one of the formal prayers, but you'd be no more expected to participate than on any other visit to a mosque. While in very conservative circles wearing bright colors in mixed company might make you stick out like a sore thumb, you would not be an offensive thumb. You might well wind up sitting through a potentially long-winded speech from the officiant, also potentially in a language you do not know (my own recent wedding involved, in addition to the usual soliloquy on the meaning and blessing of marriage, stories about apples and a disabled girl or something ... my own arabic isn't even that good to say). But to just listen, it's not generally interactive. No drinking, unless we're talking pretty fringe habits. And I have never personally known gifts to be considered inappropriate in any community. Weddings among muslims are not really a solemn affair ... from the brightest and most colorful to the most quiet and plain, weddings are a pretty universally celebratory business, a sort of a joyous fulfillment of the religious obligation to announce any new marriage publicly within the community, and that really is reflected in the expectations put upon those attending: to eat abundantly, congratulate profusely, etc, etc, etc. Nothing too taxing.

There are some muslims who object to photos, so maybe better to know in advance before breaking out the camera. A number of weddings/receptions are gender segregated, so if one plans to attend as a couple they should be prepared to part company for a while. Though not necessarily expect to ... practices vary.

[kapatasana]

Originally Posted by theretohere

Something different at our weddings:
there is not supposed to be a kiss up at the altar, so no "You may kiss the bride" moment. A lot of clergy are allowing it though.
Sometimes there is communion, but it's only open to members and sometimes only to the wedding party.
The bride promises to obey her husband.

Other then that, I think we're pretty generic.

Just curious, what religion are you? (I ask because that sounds a lot like a wedding I was invited to recently ).

[Smokering]

While in very conservative circles wearing bright colors in mixed company might make you stick out like a sore thumb, you would not be an offensive thumb.

So would this ever be enough of an issue to merit me putting it in the article, or should I not bother? Bearing in mind I only have 500 words here... yep, the wedding etiquette of all faiths in 500 words. I think I could just about cover Presbyterian weddings nicely with that wordcount, but never mind; the Editor Knows All...

(my own recent wedding involved, in addition to the usual soliloquy on the meaning and blessing of marriage, stories about apples and a disabled girl or something ... my own arabic isn't even that good to say).

The oddest wedding service I've been to--it was a nominally Methodist-Mormon wedding, for the record--featured a somewhat unusual celebrant who spent half the sermon going on about Odysseus. I'm still not entirely clear on the point of the analogy, but it was something to do with how noble Odysseus was to leave the lovely nymph Calypso and go home to his ugly wife. Which is odd, because a) she wasn't ugly, b) huh? and c) how is that appropriate for a wedding?

[theretohere]

Originally Posted by kapatasana

Just curious, what religion are you? (I ask because that sounds a lot like a wedding I was invited to recently ).

I thought I added that- whoops! I'm part of the LCMS- and DH is a pastor.