Feeling Guilty -- What Would You Do?

[joy77]

A little background first: My husband, our two children, and I live with my parents right now. My husband is a graduate student and should graduate next semester. (Hopefully, he will find a job soon after that and we will be able to move.)

Anyway, I was put on bedrest at 22 weeks with our second child and continued bedrest until I had her 5 weeks early at 35 weeks. During that time, my mother took care of my two-year-old and me. Now that I am off of bedrest my mother still helps me a tremendous amount and I am very grateful for that. Right now she helps me mainly with two things: Whenever my two-year-old wakes up in the morning, my mother will take her for awhile (play with her, get her breakfast, etc.) and let me sleep in some with the new baby (who is now 9 weeks old). Also, my mother puts my two-year-old down for her nap every day. This consists of my mother rocking my daughter for about five to ten minutes until she falls asleep and then laying her down on her bed. I do everything else for my daughter (dressing her, getting her other meals and snacks, her bedtime routine, etc.). I have been feeling really guilty lately because I am not doing it by myself. It sort of feels like I am a failure as a mother because I am not taking care of my two children “all by myself.” I love having my mother help and she doesn’t mind doing it, but I still feel guilty. If you all were in this situation, would you all feel guilty or just enjoy having the extra set of hands to help out?


Thanks,
Joy

[TiffanyPartyOf6]

I understand where you are coming from. My husband and I live with my mom. My mom gets my children their breakfast every single day. She helps off and on through the day when she wants to. Just remember that she is probably doing it because she wants to. Grandma probably absolutely cherishes this time with your daughter. She gets to be a more involved Grandma than most Grandmas could ever wish to be. You could offer to do it, but if she wants to, let her. It's a great bonding experience for her and your daughter.

[TiffanyPartyOf6]

Oh and yes, I do feel guilty sometimes... but she reminds me of how much she loves doing these things for/with my children.

[MayBaby2007]

Don't feel guilty. It sounds like your mom is enjoying helping you care for your 2 year old. If you're okay with her helping and she's okay with helping you, enjoy it. If I was your mom, I know I would enjoy spending that extra time with my grandbaby

[AbbieB]

Don't feel guilty! That's wheat Grandmas are for.

I think it is wonderful that you have a mother that wants to help. Not everyone is that fortunate. Just because some mothers DO do it all does not mean that that is ideal. Both of your kids are benefiting from the extra attention from people in their lives that love them. Your DD is getting her needs met by grandma and not feeling left out and your baby is getting one on one attention in those precious early weeks.

[Rivka5]

IMO, this is what it's supposed to be like. If you look over the long course of recorded history and human cultures, the "nuclear family" - a father and mother living on their own and raising children in isolation - is a pretty unusual structure. It's been much more common, more "normal" if you will, across times and cultures for people to raise children in extended families or tribes, with lots of help from relatives.

And that's because parenting is freaking HARD.

Who is your situation hurting? It sounds like it's enriching the lives of everyone involved. Your mother is happy to help. Your daughter has the benefit of an additional close relationship with a loving, caring adult. Your newborn is getting plenty of time with you and benefits from a more-rested mother. You have help and support through the ordeal of parenting a newborn - which I'm sure is even harder after you've been debilitated by months of bedrest. Everybody wins.

[butterfly_mommy]

Originally Posted by Rivka5

IMO, this is what it's supposed to be like. If you look over the long course of recorded history and human cultures, the "nuclear family" - a father and mother living on their own and raising children in isolation - is a pretty unusual structure. It's been much more common, more "normal" if you will, across times and cultures for people to raise children in extended families or tribes, with lots of help from relatives.

And that's because parenting is freaking HARD.

Who is your situation hurting? It sounds like it's enriching the lives of everyone involved. Your mother is happy to help. Your daughter has the benefit of an additional close relationship with a loving, caring adult. Your newborn is getting plenty of time with you and benefits from a more-rested mother. You have help and support through the ordeal of parenting a newborn - which I'm sure is even harder after you've been debilitated by months of bedrest. Everybody wins.

:

It sounds wonderful, I wish my mom was close and not working. I would love help and I have only one child to care for.

[phathui5]

If you feel like she's doing too much, you could say something like, "Mom, if you ever need a break from naptime or a day where you aren't helping out with the kids, please let me know. I love having your help and I don't want you to feel burned out or taken advantage of."

But you are in no way a failure as a mother or doing anything wrong. If your mom wants to help with your two year old, I think that's great.

[Ks Mama]

Originally Posted by joy77

I have been feeling really guilty lately because I am not doing it by myself. It sort of feels like I am a failure as a mother because I am not taking care of my two children “all by myself.” I love having my mother help and she doesn’t mind doing it, but I still feel guilty. If you all were in this situation, would you all feel guilty or just enjoy having the extra set of hands to help out?

Firstly, we're just not meant to "do it all by ourselves". That idea is a recent one, and a poor one, frankly. We should all be able to be surrounded by people who love us & our children enough to help. You know the saying, it takes a village to raise a child? I think its a good one.
Secondly, I think its wonderful that you have so much help - I think that's the way it should be, and I believe you ALL will benefit from it. Think of the relationship your child is forming with her grandmother! :
Thirdly, I do think its normal to feel those feelings of guilt, but you don't need to. Really.

Be grateful & joyful for the help you have. Many mothers don't have enough. You really are blessed. Personally, I don't know where I'd be without the help of my husband, mil, nanny, and now school teachers for my children. I am so thankful for their help.

[theretohere]

Originally Posted by Rivka5

IMO, this is what it's supposed to be like. If you look over the long course of recorded history and human cultures, the "nuclear family" - a father and mother living on their own and raising children in isolation - is a pretty unusual structure. It's been much more common, more "normal" if you will, across times and cultures for people to raise children in extended families or tribes, with lots of help from relatives.

And that's because parenting is freaking HARD.

Who is your situation hurting? It sounds like it's enriching the lives of everyone involved. Your mother is happy to help. Your daughter has the benefit of an additional close relationship with a loving, caring adult. Your newborn is getting plenty of time with you and benefits from a more-rested mother. You have help and support through the ordeal of parenting a newborn - which I'm sure is even harder after you've been debilitated by months of bedrest. Everybody wins.

:

[birdie22]

Think about how you might feel if one day your daughter was in the same boat. I bet you would love to help out in any way she needed. It sounds like you are not just a great mom, but a loving daughter too, to be so concerned about your mom's feelings.

[Embee]

Originally Posted by Rivka5

IMO, this is what it's supposed to be like. If you look over the long course of recorded history and human cultures, the "nuclear family" - a father and mother living on their own and raising children in isolation - is a pretty unusual structure. It's been much more common, more "normal" if you will, across times and cultures for people to raise children in extended families or tribes, with lots of help from relatives.

And that's because parenting is freaking HARD.

Who is your situation hurting? It sounds like it's enriching the lives of everyone involved. Your mother is happy to help. Your daughter has the benefit of an additional close relationship with a loving, caring adult. Your newborn is getting plenty of time with you and benefits from a more-rested mother. You have help and support through the ordeal of parenting a newborn - which I'm sure is even harder after you've been debilitated by months of bedrest. Everybody wins.

Excellent insights. ITA.

Your mother sounds lovely btw.

The best,
Em

[*Erin*]

would she mind comin to my house to help me some too?
accept and love the help, and dont dare feel badly-i am bettin your mama loves being able to help you and spend quality time with your dd too.

[momtokea]

Someday when your mother is a bit older she will need YOU, and you can repay her by helping her. My mom helped me a lot when I had babies, too, and I felt guilty. But what goes around comes around, the years pass and now I have been helping her with her housework and groceries and with my dad being sick. The day will come when you will have the chance to help her. You are very lucky, EVERY mom could use some help, but unfortunately too many new mothers these days don't have any support and life is just overwhelming.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Rivka5

IMO, this is what it's supposed to be like. If you look over the long course of recorded history and human cultures, the "nuclear family" - a father and mother living on their own and raising children in isolation - is a pretty unusual structure. It's been much more common, more "normal" if you will, across times and cultures for people to raise children in extended families or tribes, with lots of help from relatives.

: That's what I was going write, only not so eloquently.

[tjjazzy]

as long as she doesn't mind doing it, enjoy! my mom helps me out when she's over b/c she know what it's like to be a mom and wants to give me a break. i'm glad to let her and ds won't let me put him to bed if nana's here anyway!

[Deer Hunter]

Hi there,

You are in no way a failure. Many mothers would give to have what you do. It is a beautiful thing that you have all that support.

As far as taking care of your kids all by yourself, nobody really totally does that unless they are isolated from the world. There are parents who call out to their parents or trusted friends for help so they can get a much needed break at times. Don't beat yourself up over it. Everything is okay. You are a beautiful mother, and things like this should not break your spirit. What's more, your new babe is only nine weeks. You are still recovering. Let your mom help you--I know it is hard to accept help at times because I have a prideful spirit that makes it hard for me to accept it, though, I'm getting better with that in time--and rest up. You will have plenty of days when you will be caring for your little ones.

Hang in there and recharge your strength. Everything will fall into place before you know it. If it makes you feel better, why not take out a time slot of the day to do something special for your two year old, such as read a story. When you are more rested, have your mom look after the baby--this is if you trust it and have pumped enough breast milk for the duration of your baby's time with your mom--and plan a special one on one date with her. I hope I've helped somewhat.

[joy77]

Thank you all for your responses. Your comments have been so sweet. Because of your help, I am trying to not feel guilty anymore and enjoy the help that my mother is offering!

Thanks,
Joy

[angelamariebee]

Oh, I know exactly how you feel! My husband and I separated for about six months around a year ago, during which time I lived with my mother. She was so excited to help with her granddaughter and I was happy to have the help. She was happy to babysit whenever I needed her too, and got to enjoy some time alone- a huge difference from my SAH-life with my husband, where I had no car and no friends. She wasn't even spending THAT much time with her, like you said in your post, but soon my mom started teaching her different things (good things) and all of a sudden I didn't see every "first" and I hadn't taught her all she knew. It really got to me, I felt guilt or that I was missing out.

[andreac]

You know, my brother and his family lived with my mother for a while after their first was born and to this day they have the most awesome special relationship! I know she loves all her grandchildren, but there is something really wonderful about the relationship she has with my nephew. You are ALL benefiting from this situation. Enjoy it!