My sister died-How to help mom through grief?

[carfreemama]

My favourite sister died on Saturday of Huntington disease. It was a peaceful passing, apparently, at home. I spoke to her the day before she died.

I am 1000 miles away and the service won't be until January. My mom has asked me to wait and come up then; more, I think, because she knows it would be almost impossible to come up now and then again in January.

I want to send her something. She's not crazy about flowers. I thought a food basket from her favourite bakery/cafe. I have about $100 to spend.

What else can I do? She is 86 years old and a widow. She has no other children in the area and I am the only sibling functional enough to help. I think she's okay financially and she is in amazing health for someone her age.

But she lost her only sister last year; along with 2 husbands, whom she nursed through their deaths, and countless friends.

I am worried this might just be too much for her. She knows she is welcome to come and live with us, or come down and spend as much time (weeks, months) as she wants. She has done some of her grieving down here before. Otherwise, though, what can I do to support her this far away? I am already her health care directive and executor of her will. We visit as often as we can. Anyone else with an elderly, grieving parent far away?

[momtoS]

So sorry to hear about your loss!

I am not sure how to help your mom, the offers you have are great.

Prehaps you could do an instant scrapbook of your sister to give to your mom so you can look through it and remember fond times?
Something like this:
When you click on this link check out these albums:
All about her
http://www.hallmark.com/webapp/wcs/s...RAP%7CstoresIn the hallmark stores there is also an instant album about remembering a life....
The pages are already done for you and all you do is put the pictures in.
Prehaps when you are looking at the pictures
you can write in some of your mothers memories of your sister.



Not sure if that is what you are looking for.....

(sorry nak)

[sebandg'smama]

I am so sorry for your loss.

A food basket sounds comforting.

[carfreemama]

momtoS:

Thanks. That's exactly what I'm looking for--things I can do from far away to help connect us all. It's helpful, too, because I know mom has mentioned how she would really like to get at her photos. This will probably be very much on her mind now.

It'll help me, too. I have been through grief-at-a-distance before and it is so surreal. Nothing in my immediate environment has changed and I am used to going through patches where I don't talk to my sister for a while; especially over the last several years when her cognition/personality has changed so drastically because of this disease. Yet she is the person who helped keep me sane growing up. She was so strong and beautiful. The scrapbooking and remembering a life would be SO appropriate in our situation. Thanks again.

[momtoS]

Great! The hallmark instant scrapbooks are very easy, the layouts are already done. They are pricey ($50ish I think) but I found one on an auction site, that is presently only9.99 and the bidding is only open until tomorrow


IT is about half way down this page
http://www.twomomsscrapbook.com/hall...-scrapbook/67/

[Ruthla]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

What kind of support network does she have locally? I understand she doesn't have any other family in the area, but what about friends and neighbors?

[cristeen]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

What kind of support network does she have locally? I understand she doesn't have any other family in the area, but what about friends and neighbors?

:

My grandmother is a little closer than that, but when grandpa died a couple years ago we were really stuck as to what to do. Luckily grandma has really great neighbors, a wonderful church family, close friends who look out for her, and a volunteer job 2 days a week to keep her busy. Because she has all that going for her, we were okay with her living on her own several hours away at the age of (now) 78. We are the closest family she has, at 2+ hours drive. But, if she didn't have all of that, we probably would have pushed her to move closer to us so we could keep an eye on her.

Hence the question as to what type of support system your mother has in place where she is now. Does she have any friends who you can call if you need her checked on? Does she have people who will make sure she's got food in the house? As for what you can do for her, talk to her. Let her know you love her, and that if she needs to talk or rant or grieve, you're there to listen, that you'll help out in any way you can, etc. If you don't already, call her regularly, so she can depend on it. If she's liable to stop cleaning, maybe contact a cleaning service about going in there once a month, if she's liable to stop cooking/eating, maybe look into something like Schwans which will deliver frozen food. It may take her months or years to get past this, she may do it in days, or she may never get past it.

HTH

[Ifluffedthree]

Other than things/food that would make the day easier I am not sure off the top of my head of any good suggestions.

I am sorry for your loss and the multiple losses of your mother. I have had many like your mother and had it not been for my children I probably would have not made it this far.

Sending prayers of peace your way.

[carfreemama]

Thanks everyone. Cristeen, those are the kinds of questions I really need to look at closely. As for what kinds of supports my mom has, she sounds a lot like your grandma. Unfortunately, at 86 she has outlived most of her close friends and she had a LOT of them. That's partly why I feel so incredibly sad for her. She said she could handle all her losses, but prayed that she would never live to see one of her children die.

She is very involved with her church and in fact started a Special Meals program 25 years ago that is still running and is a vital part of the community. I talked to her today and she said she had at least 8 or 9 phone calls before noon.

Otherwise, she has my other sister's mother-in-law who, while not on good terms with that sister (no-one is), has been incredible to my mom. She's my mom's go-to person and has done everything from drive her to the funeral home to make arrangements, to stay with mom until the very end, when my sister died.

I think the best I can push for is to have the cleaning and cooking looked at. She's VERY independent, but I am worried that grief will tire her out and I want her to think about that possibility and plan for it. She was a huge part of my sister's caretaking and she's exhausted.

My dear sister's husband lives in the apartment upstairs from mom. He's from the States and will probably eventually move back there, but he's committed to staying near mom for at leaast the next several months. So there is that security. And I think the landlady would at least check in on her periodically. My mother is a well-loved person who has helped lots of people out over the years, and I do think she's seeing a real desire to be there for her now.

Long term, though, I just don't know. I guess I'll be able to gauge the situation better when I visit. She has a freezer, so maybe I can stock her up when I'm there and help her figure out a game plan for the next little while.

Oh, and momtoS, I'll check that link. We're in Canada so, as doubtful as it sounds, something that starts out at $10 in the US could end up being cheaper to buy locally for $50. But I'll check. and I'm quite happy to spend $50 on this project. I can't wait. Thanks!

[wendyland]

I'm sorry about your loss. My mom died last summer and it has been really hard for my grandma. It's been hard for all of us, but her especially. She has also lost husbands and siblings. She lives an hour away, so we do see her once in a while. Her friends do a good job of keeping her occupied. And I made her a book for xmas of past christmases. I think it will help, but I don't think there's much more we can do for her.

Does your mom belong to a church or something that she can get involved with?

[carfreemama]

My mom does have a great support system in her church and I hope a faith that will also be a comfort to her. She's pretty much on her own as far as family, except for the fact that a couple of my siblings are permanently on the take from her financially. That's a worry, too. At least I'm now her power of attourney. She's okay for money, but I want her to have a few little luxuries and the ability to have a big say in the kind of care she receives and where she receives it. I can help a little financially; but I hesitate to do that as long as hundreds of dollars are going to other people every month. She's on a pension! I think not having to care for my sister will be a big relief; but with that, I'm afraid, will be a huge void for her. She is Florence Nightingale reincarnated. I want to help her find things worth continuing to live for. I'm so afraid she'll give up. Too much loss for her, for anyone.

[texmati]

I'm so so sorry mama. It's sounds like you are already taking great care of your mom. I'm sure that means the world to her.

[meemee]

carefree mama while taking care of my dying xinlaws i will have to say i learned A LOT!!!!

and i discovered HELPING can be a v. negative thing. i am not saying you are doing it but i am speaking just about myself. i have discovered that in my desire to help i am sometimes not able to see they are independent people who want to remain independent. that i dont help too much.

yes both my mom and my xmil who is my best friend live miles, hours and days away.

it is v. reassuring that your mom does have such a great support network. that she is not alone. that at least for the time being she has ur bil to check up on her. i know she is in pain but like you said she has done some of her grieving already. i am sure it isnt the dying that is painful for her. it is the missing. not being able to hear the voice or touch teh person.

the thing is mama - anything, ANYTHING you do from your heart, i have found is v. welcome. i have also found that all they really want is to stay in touch. to know what's going on. how am i doing. how is my dd doing.

do u have any movies or tapings of ur sister. i know that will mean a lot to your mom.

and lastly - i feel v. v. strongly about this.

it is your moms right to live the way she wants to. or doesnt. you HAVE TO respect your mom's choice. my xstepmil passed before my xfil. and my fil was done with living. he had many health issues and was just done. there was a 'fight' amongst home health aid and hospice over which way to go. along with me some of his sons supported his path. some of the others were adamantly against it. and the moment they went against it - i noticed they lost connection with their dad. their dad knew their feelings and he went thru much more suffering trying to please them and going against his wishes. subconciously he was done. even though he tried he just couldnt eat. his body couldnt handle it and there were some health issues coming up.

and so this is a time for you to reflect on where you stand with your mom. if she chooses are YOU willing to let her go.

[momtoS]

I stopped by Hallmark and I think there is also an album called A Life Remembered.

[laoxinat]

Hey carfreemama,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have no sisters, but losing any close family member is hard. I work for a home helper company, which I am sure has branches in Canada, it is called Home Instead Senior Care. They are very professional, and provide companionship and assistance to seniors. You might consider a gift of just a couple of days a week someone coming in and just kind of helping your mom out. It is often easier for someone to accept help from someone not part of their family or social network, kwim? Just a thought, and HTH.

[carfreemama]

Thanks to ALL for the wisdom. I know how easy it would be right now to make things worse instead of better.

meemee I am very aware of what you're getting at. I think what your fil went through in some ways mimics what my sister just fought. She had Huntington disease. I think it was her choice to die when she did. She stopped eating, too. She refused to have a J-tube or button put in. She was 6 feet and about 65 pounds when she died. She just didn't want to go on facing what was ahead. She probably could have prolonged her own life and it was very difficult for her family to watch her decide to die. But she died at home, with no pain. She sounded so firm and clear when I spoke to her the day before she died. It's like she planned it somehow. It's not that it isn't sad, but she really died the way she wanted to and she, too, had to fight people trying to "make her better."

I also watched my elderly neighbour with dementia get strong-armed into leaving her home and moving several provinces away with her daughter. She and I had just gotten to know each other and her daughter was SO pushy and treated her mother like a child. Of course, she was worried about her safety, but this woman DID NOT want to go. She was still able to look after her place and I had spoken repeatedly to her daughter about how I worked from home and was willing to help shop, look in on her, etc. I LIKED her.

So I don't want to do that to my mother. I think I'm selfishly really scared right now that I will lose my mother, too. She is 86 and is now my last really close family contact. We've worked so hard to rebuild our relationship over the last 10 years and I just want her to be here! My father died when I was 24. My heart says build this scrapbook. I've booked my flight to be there for the funeral. I will try to find out what she wants and doesn't want and attempt to keep that separate from my own feelings. And yes, in general I will try to step up my efforts to send pictures, cards, remember her special days (like sending cards on anniversaries of deaths).

I must get to Hallmark! Maybe today. I can't tell you how much a scrapbook would mean to my mother, to have something like that. And maybe I can visit an extra time during the year.

Oh. And laoxinat, I will google your lead. I think something like that would be perfect. If she doesn't need it now, she could at any time and I do want to be prepared. My mom is in incredibly good shape physically and mentally. She has some sciatica and some other unpleasant afflictions; but overall, she's doing amazingly. She walks and buses everywhere, does her own shopping and cleaning and cooking, volunteers with the church...and maybe it's best for her to keep on doing those things. She's already talking about getting back to Hospice, the group she's vice-president of. She's actually kind of blowing my mind right now.

[laoxinat]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

Oh. And laoxinat, I will google your lead. I think something like that would be perfect. If she doesn't need it now, she could at any time and I do want to be prepared. My mom is in incredibly good shape physically and mentally. She has some sciatica and some other unpleasant afflictions; but overall, she's doing amazingly. She walks and buses everywhere, does her own shopping and cleaning and cooking, volunteers with the church...and maybe it's best for her to keep on doing those things. She's already talking about getting back to Hospice, the group she's vice-president of. She's actually kind of blowing my mind right now.

Wow, your mama rocks!! One thing I often hear from my clients is that a. they never ever anticipated needing help : and b. they wish they'd researched before they needed help, so there was something already in place, and the search didn't add to their stress. Glad she is dong well, and : to you. And, can I say, my hat is off to your sis for taking charge and dying on her terms. So many people are just paralysed with fear and they end up in terrible situations (which is of course understandable), so good for her for being so courageous!

[momtoS]

How are you doing carfreemama?

[carfreemama]

Thanks for asking, momtoS. I'm doing well. I've been in daily contact with my mom and I have a flight booked for Jan 1. The funeral is on Jan 3. Mom is doing really well, too; better than I expected. Really hanging in there. I do feel weird about the holidays; like there's this big wall coming after Christmas that I have to make it through. I've never been away from my daughter for longer than overnight and I've decided not to tell her until after Christmas, so that feels strange, too. Connecting with my own grief is hard. I think I've kind of got it all bottled up waiting until I can get there. There's nothing tangible to connect me to her or her death out here. I cried over a Joni Mitchell song in a supermarket, though; Joni always reminded me of my sis.

It feels like my little family just got so much smaller. My sis would have been right at home on MDC.

[Justmee]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Just wanted to send you a