Moms of Many-Help me understand something

[Mama Poot]

I have a MoM friend (she has 4) who is completely unable to keep or even make time for that matter, any get togethers with me. She'll say she wants to do something, then I'll invite her and give her the time and place, and she never gets back to me to tell me if she's coming or not (and never shows up anyway). I've said nothing for months but I'm at the end of my patience with her. I have three children under 3 and I make time to at least call someone and tell them if I can't come to a get-together, I don't just blow them off. She does this way too much- and she has help too which gives her even less excuse to be this way. Her two oldest are in school every day and the next-to-last child is in preschool, so it isn't like she doesn't get time to get away.

SO, all you MoM's- is my friend just plain busy or just plain rude?

Either way I need to say something to her because if she doesn't want to continue the friendship she should at least have the decency to let me know :

[Luckiestgirl]

Honestly, I'd just let the friendship go. She may have other problems you don't know about or be too immature to take responsibility for herself. I had a situation just like this, except the other mom was the mother of one. She did call me and cancel, but she often cancelled at the last minute and made promises to reciprocate that she didn't keep. I stopped making the effort and she bascially disappeared. I have since found out some other things about this mom that led me to believe she is just really immature with such things as time management, keeping her word, etc.

[Ruthla]

Does it matter if she's busy or rude? Obviously you're not a priority in her life right now. If you were, she would make the time to see you, even if it was just "I'm too frazzled to get out of the house today, why don't you come on over and help me tidy up?"

If she was more "together", she'd at least have the decency to NOT make promises she can't keep. She'd politely decline when you first suggested the plans.

It could be that she's depressed. It could be that there's something else in her life right now that's overwhelming her and she doesn't want to share it. Or it could be that you're growing apart.

In any case, the result is the same. She's not available for you right now. Make plans with other friends. Let her drift away. Don't burn any bridges- you can keep things open to get together with her if she gets herself together in the future, but stop setting yourself up for dissapointment right now.

[crittersmom]

What they said.
I also have come to realize that I have become a big flake sometime after the 1st child.Now unless i can say without a doubt I can do something I don't say anything because I feel so embarassed that I have to cancel plans yet again.I do try to apologize if it happens.
Make plans with other friends and give her an open ended invite.

[orangefoot]

I agree with the PPs that this probably isn't a MoM thing at all. That said though I somewtimes say I will call people and don't get round to it becuase I never know when would be a good time to call and also my house is pretty noisy right up until 11pm some days and most people don't welcome calls at that time of night.

Let it go for now and see if she comes back to you. She may or may not. I had a friend who I realise now needed someone like me to be there for her at a certain stage in her life. She doesn't need me anymore and has moved on. She has done the same with other mutual friends too and although we feel hurt, we haven't wasted our energy trying to get her back because it is obvious now that it would be pointless.

[Justmee]

Didn't read the responses, but yeah, she's rude.

[Mama Poot]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

Does it matter if she's busy or rude? Obviously you're not a priority in her life right now. If you were, she would make the time to see you, even if it was just "I'm too frazzled to get out of the house today, why don't you come on over and help me tidy up?"

If she was more "together", she'd at least have the decency to NOT make promises she can't keep. She'd politely decline when you first suggested the plans.

It could be that she's depressed. It could be that there's something else in her life right now that's overwhelming her and she doesn't want to share it. Or it could be that you're growing apart.

In any case, the result is the same. She's not available for you right now. Make plans with other friends. Let her drift away. Don't burn any bridges- you can keep things open to get together with her if she gets herself together in the future, but stop setting yourself up for dissapointment right now.

Good advice. Although I must say this: When said friend and I first met, she was "so relieved" to finally meet someone around here who shared similar parenting philosophies/practiced NFL/all of that stuff. Add to that that she and her family moved up here from Florida to be closer to her DH's family, so she doesn't have a lot of people up here.

Perhaps she hasn't been able to make any friends because she makes everyone feel like she doesn't care about them, not because she can't find people who have things in common with her. :

Why do people complain about things like this, but then when they're given an opportunity they just toss it away? It frustrates the crap out of me.

Anyway, I guess I'll just let it go now. I've tried long enough.

[Mummyof2ooo]

I would prob just let it go. Stop calling or trying to make playdates. If she cares enough she will call and wonder what happend.

[Pumpkincat]

Maybe she is rude, maybe she has problems. You will never know unless you ask her. I think you should talk to her about it regardless.

I once did something similiar to a friend who was super dear to me. I did not miss meeting her or not call out of rudeness. I was very overwhelmed and forgetful as I struggle with ADHD and depression. People who have ADHD tend to get side-tracked a lot and are often super forgetful.

I can see how one could be misunderstood. I know for me, it hurt terribly when she called off the friendship, I still miss her. We were friends for about 15 yrs, I wish she would have actually given me a fair chance.

In your case, she could be a careless person. Perhaps she has ADHD like I do. I do my best.

I wish I had it together more so i could invest in friendships more. I am a pretty lonely mom of many. *sigh*

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by Pumpkincat

Maybe she is rude, maybe she has problems. You will never know unless you ask her. I think you should talk to her about it regardless.

I once did something similiar to a friend who was super dear to me. I did not miss meeting her or not call out of rudeness. I was very overwhelmed and forgetful as I struggle with ADHD and depression. People who have ADHD tend to get side-tracked a lot and are often super forgetful.

I can see how one could be misunderstood. I know for me, it hurt terribly when she called off the friendship, I still miss her. We were friends for about 15 yrs, I wish she would have actually given me a fair chance.

In your case, she could be a careless person. Perhaps she has ADHD like I do. I do my best.

I wish I had it together more so i could invest in friendships more. I am a pretty lonely mom of many. *sigh*

[phathui5]

I'd say that in my opinion, it's not a MoM thing. If I make plans with someone, I keep them about 95% of the time.

[mama_ani]

Originally Posted by phathui5

I'd say that in my opinion, it's not a MoM thing. If I make plans with someone, I keep them about 95% of the time.

:

[Anglyn]

If I dont think I can keep plans, I dont make them, but I do try and schedule something else. I at least make an attempt to stay in touch with friends via phone or text messages if all else fails. I never want someone I value to think I dont care. I have four kids and a full time job and I dont do much. I go to work, and anything I do outside of that is kid related. Its not easy with my friends whos kids are grown, but I still offer. Well I am off saturday, would you like to hang out with us at the park? etc.

Man, if I found a friend here IRL, who lived close by, had young children and shared my parenting philosophy? Sigh. You have no idea how happy that would make me! I'd never miss a chance to get togather!

That said, I agree with pp's who have said she may be depressed or just have other stuff going on. Im sure its more about her than you, if its frustrating, just drop it, but leave it open. I had a friend who moved across the country, for years I sent cards, letters, emails then gave up. One day out of the blue she emailed me, not long after she moved back here and now we are pretty close again. Who knows? Life sometimes gets in the way!

[DBZ]

I think the mom is a flake. I am a single mom of 4 kids and almost always keep my appointments/play dates/whatever. I might be late, but I get there.

I'm grateful that I do have friends here who support my desicions, but they'd rather meet up when my older kids are in school which kind of bugs me, but I get it.

[IncaMama]

could be something innocent like serious forgetfulness (i have that issue). i'd check in with her before writing her off. explain how it makes you feel when she blows you off, and see what she says. she may need reminders on the morning of. my friend does that for me since she knows i'm an unintentional flake. the people who really mean a lot to me understand that fatal flaw of mine and respond accordingly.

ETA: i'm not trying to suggest that it's YOUR responsibility to "take care" of your friend. just suggesting that if you know that she has an issue remembering things and she actively wants help working on it, you could work something out with her. if i schedule something more than a few days in advance, it's an almost guarantee that i'll forget about it w/o reminders. spur of the moment gatherings are much more likely to happen in my particular case. and, like i said, my good friends know that i need some help remembering stuff

[4Marmalade]

Originally Posted by phathui5

I'd say that in my opinion, it's not a MoM thing. If I make plans with someone, I keep them about 95% of the time.

Agree with this too.

[cappuccinosmom]

IMO, either rude or completely disorganized. Has nothing to do with being a mom or how many kids one has.

I have three little ones. It may take me a day or two to get back to someone about a date, but I always do. ANd if I make a date, I show up, or call if if I absolutely can't.

[Mama Poot]

Well, I left her a message on her answering machine. It went something like this:

Hey, sorry we missed you on Sunday. I was hoping to hear from you either way. Give me a call if you get a chance, I'd like to talk to you."

That was Monday. Today is Wednesday.

Whatever.

[skolbut]

I'm not a MoM, but I do get together with some other moms in my area, and here's what we do:

Name a time and place and show up if you can, don't if you can't, and don't worry about it. We do always follow up if we missed someone or couldn't make it, usually by email.

For example: Hey, I can't come to kindergym tomorrow, Bean has a nasty cough and runny nose.

That's fine, do you want to try the Library story time on Wednesday?

Sure, we'll be there if the runny nose gets better.

All activities that our kiddos can do with or without buddies. With new babies and morning sickness thrown into the mix, plus our own family issues and work and whatnot, it's hard to make it work all the time.

If you want to spend time with your friend and not the kids, maybe offer to bring her a cup of coffee or a dinner for that night and go to her house, let the kids play, and tell her beforehand NOT to clean so she doesn't feel pressured to put on a good front with lots of kids.

That being said, sometimes friendships need a 'break' and will run their course. You might want to focus on other areas right now, and let your friend know you will be around when she is ready to continue the friendship.

[Mama Poot]

Originally Posted by skolbut

I'm not a MoM, but I do get together with some other moms in my area, and here's what we do:

Name a time and place and show up if you can, don't if you can't, and don't worry about it. We do always follow up if we missed someone or couldn't make it, usually by email.

For example: Hey, I can't come to kindergym tomorrow, Bean has a nasty cough and runny nose.

That's fine, do you want to try the Library story time on Wednesday?

Sure, we'll be there if the runny nose gets better.

All activities that our kiddos can do with or without buddies. With new babies and morning sickness thrown into the mix, plus our own family issues and work and whatnot, it's hard to make it work all the time.

If you want to spend time with your friend and not the kids, maybe offer to bring her a cup of coffee or a dinner for that night and go to her house, let the kids play, and tell her beforehand NOT to clean so she doesn't feel pressured to put on a good front with lots of kids.

That being said, sometimes friendships need a 'break' and will run their course. You might want to focus on other areas right now, and let your friend know you will be around when she is ready to continue the friendship.

Now this is interesting because I've never invited myself over to her house, and she's never asked me to come there. I figured it would always be easier if we went to the park with our families and no one had to worry about cleaning or anything.

Everything I've asked her to do has been family-friendly because I know how hard it is to get a sitter for multiple kids.

Bottom line is though-at least call me to let me know if you're coming or not. It takes less than two minutes. You can handle two minutes.










Oh well.