3 year old hits parents (a LOT)

[doublewhammy]

I've seen plenty of threads discussing hitting, but not where the child is hitting the parent. We have twin 3 year old boys who were born pre-term. The smaller of the two has some delays--especially with expressive language (he did about a year of speech therapy). When he's frustrated--which is often--he hits. And he's getting big enough to really hurt. He hits his siblings, too, but not as often as he hits his parents. I've tried "use your words;" I've given plenty of cool-down times on the bed. (He comes out swinging.) He thrashes and head-butts so much it's hard to comfort him or show him gentle touch. I'm afraid this might be serious. Any thoughts? I don't know if waiting for him to outgrow this is the right thing to do.

[Nolamom]

I don't know if, in your situation, it's serious enough to warrant getting some help, or not. Perhaps someone else will advise on that.

However, my DD was a parent hitter at 3, too. It happened countless times. We tried many, many things - including losing turns with toys and time outs. Unfortunately, there was no magic solution for us. It just seemed to be something she eventually outgrew. Sometime in her fourth year she seemed to begin to be able to process the normal frustrations/disappointments of life without lashing out physically. The one thing that seemed to help the most was giving her some other outlets - when you're frustrated we don't hit people, but you can stomp your feet on the floor, hit a pillow, etc.

Good luck! I know how frustrating it is!

[judyH]

Try working on an alternative communication means

While its normal for toddlers to go through this stage of hitting and biting, it can be really annoying! Children typically hit NOT out of frustration but rather am confused with how they should react or communicate. The next time he tries to hit you, try substituting the interaction with a more pleasant approach. Perhaps distracting him with his favorite toys or tell him something he enjoys hearing. You could also tell him that you do not allow 'hitting' in the house and only hugs are allowed. However, this process may take time and lots of patience may be required. All the best

[elizawill]

my son went through that phase. when he would hit or kick me, i would get to his level and firmly but calmly say, "i will not allow you to hurt me. i want to be here for you and hold you, but i cannot allow you to hurt me." then i'd move out of harm's way. eventually, my ds was able to let me hold him.

once he was calm, we could always talk about it and discuss how he was feeling, etc....but when he was that angry, there was no rationalizing or communicating at all. i tried to introduce "hit the pillow" when your upset, etc. none of that worked though because when my ds is angry he cannot think rationally. now that's he's older, when he gets upset, he does like for me to hold him and we just quietly sit until he's calm enough to talk about it. my ds needs A LOT of empathy when he's upset.

as for hitting other children, my ds did not go through that phase for too long (although he did go through a major name-calling phase and is just now starting to come out of it). i would shadow him a lot wherever we were, & i would intervene immediately if i thought he was going to yell or hit another child. anyway, hang in there, mama. hugs.

[ShwarmaQueen]

Originally Posted by judyH

Children typically hit NOT out of frustration but rather am confused with how they should react or communicate.

I disagree about the not hitting out of frustration part. When DD reaches her boiling point she hits- there is no doubt it is because she is frustrated.

OP, this age (3) is really tough. I would offer hope that it passes quickly, but DD is almost 4 and it's still going strong. I think the issue now is that she's wants more control and it's hard to compromise on some things, so I have to just let her have her meltdown (for example, there is no compromising on her sitting in her carseat).

[BonMaman]

Originally Posted by elizawill

my son went through that phase. when he would hit or kick me, i would get to his level and firmly but calmly say, "i will not allow you to hurt me. i want to be here for you and hold you, but i cannot allow you to hurt me." then i'd move out of harm's way. eventually, my ds was able to let me hold him.

once he was calm, we could always talk about it and discuss how he was feeling, etc....but when he was that angry, there was no rationalizing or communicating at all. i tried to introduce "hit the pillow" when your upset, etc. none of that worked though because when my ds is angry he cannot think rationally. now that's he's older, when he gets upset, he does like for me to hold him and we just quietly sit until he's calm enough to talk about it. my ds needs A LOT of empathy when he's upset.

This sounds very familiar. My 3.5yo DS1 hits me and/or throws things when he's angry. I try telling him exactly what *elizawill* says, but sometimes I simply have to hold his hands (as gently as I can, which is so hard especially when the emotions are running so high) and say "I won't let you hurt me. I can see you can't control yourself right now, so I will help you." I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but I have to protect myself, my younger son, and our surroundings from injury and destruction. In his rational moments, he can rattle off a list of options for acceptable methods to vent frustration, but in the heat of the moment, he will not make use of them.

[Dabble]

I found this article to be so enlightening - I hope it helps you some.

[ShadowMom]

My DS is now 5 and still has hitting problems sometimes.

I have tried literally everything and I don't know what the right answer is, but here are some things I've tried and the results that they had.

Oh, also let me note that we have seen a couple of play therapists and they were little or no help.

1. Getting up and walking away. This worked at first, when he got older he would follow me so he could hit me.
2. Going somewhere and shutting and locking the door. I did this so I wouldn't hit him back. He totally freaked. This is only something I do if I lose my cool because it really hurts him, emotionally.
3. Putting HIM in a room, shutting the door, holding it shut, etc. This works about as well as #2 - I guess eventually he stops hitting, but it's obvious it has a very deterimental effect on him.
4. Restraining him. This was recommended by a therapist and sounded promising. However, it did not turn out like I thought. To him, it felt the same as hitting - he was just being overpowered by an adult. It made him mad and he would just hit me again when I finally let go anyway.
5. Singing to him, hugging him, comforting him. I've had the most success with this - i.e., helping him to calm down. The problem with this method is that when I'm being hit, the last thing I want to do is sing to the person who is hitting me! Anyone who has gone through this knows your body goes into a fight or flight type mode when it happens, and you are not your best self.

I strive for #5 and it does work the most. Maybe you will have different results with the other things - everyone's kid is different.

Oh, I've also done the endless talks about hitting, how much it hurts, etc. I did ask him how I could help him to stop hitting and he suggested #5. And it has had the most success.

Good luck to you, mama! I fear my DS may have anger management issues so I will be doing some research on how to help him develop better skills for dealing with anger in the future. I haven't found any books or articles that really address this well so I'm going to start with adult anger management and go from there.

[ShadowMom]

Originally Posted by Chimpmandee

I found this article to be so enlightening - I hope it helps you some.

That's a surprisingly good article. I'm not sure that I agree that hitting is a way of seeking limits. But, I do agree with the way they suggest for handling it (just skimmed it).

[PGTlatte]

With our DS1, when he was around two, he would start hitting me and just hit and hit and hit....what worked for him was redirecting him to hit pillows or the couch and scream at them. He turned out to be sensory seeking, and daily hitting of pillows or the couch (whether he was mad or not) and being rolled up in a yoga mat with gentle pressure on him got him away from his hitting me at home.

His hitting me at home was never like an aggressive attack over any specific thing...it was just like an out of the blue explosion of hitting. When he went through a short phase of hitting other kids when he was slightly older, it was very different, with a very specific focus of being aggressive about a certain thing....so there are different kinds of hitting, KWIM ? When he started hitting and shoving other kids, what I ended up doing was immediate removal from the social situation, and telling him why. When I yanked him out of a party and home only two minutes after we got there and he shoved another child, and told him why, he got the point and never did it again.

With our DS2, who is 3 now, he still hits me sometimes when I am telling him no to something and he is completely frustrated. I believe he is overwhelmed by his emotions and does not know what to do with them. I hold him tight so he cannot hit any more and he just sobs into my shoulder and I rub his back. Then he rubs my back in return, and rests on me until he feels better. He usually does not have a problem with hitting other kids. There is a long escalation and build-up before he gets to that point...he will start screaming at them first...so I get a lot of warning that he needs help and I can step in and help resolve the situation before it comes to blows.

[beachcomber]

Timely thread. My 3yo DD is a parent hitter, too. She also scratches. ShadowMom, your post and the things you try are very much what we go through. Much as I'd like to always use #5, I can't all the time. For all the same reasons, too. Heh.

At least our DD doesn't hit other children or adults. Just Mama and Papa. She hits us when we make her mad. Usually that's when we enforce limits and boundaries. She's also a yeller and we use time out for things like yelling and hitting but have found it just doesn't work. She can dutifully recite all the idioms like "hands are not for hitting" and "we don't hit" and so on. But it doesn't deter her AT ALL. We always try to get her on board or use distraction to alter her behavior but can't always. Also, we know we have to set healthy boundaries for her or she'll never understand limits and self-discipline. It's an important part of development. But she sure doesn't like it. Bedtime is especially bad. She needs us to sleep with her to start off the night and there is usually a lot of hitting involved in the process.

I've tried reinforcing the zero tolerance of hitting using words and explanations. They don't work. Not at her stage of development. The only thing that does work is taking myself away from her for a protracted period - like 10 minutes. She gets VERY upset but it's the only thing that will break the hitting response cycle of anger at being "made to" from her p.o.v. I know it hurts her to isolate her like that. But we're honestly at a loss. We've tried everything.

Honestly, I get a bit offended at authors or parenting experts who say that toddlers hit because they're modelling what they see elsewhere. She's never EVER seen us hit. She's never been hit. She doesn't see anything like that on the limited TV programs we let her see. So that just doesn't hold water as an explanation.

I also disagree with the experimenting with boundaries rationale. She's not coherent when she's mad. She's mad. She lashes out. She's physical with her emotions. When she's sad, she runs to us for a hug. When she's scared, she clings so tight it's hard to breathe. When she's mad, she hits. It's no more complicated than that.

I know I have to wait this out and that as she gets more verbal and more able to understand and process her emotions, she'll improve. Right now there is a total disconnect between what she knows when she's calm and how she acts when she's mad. Afterwards she nods and agrees that hitting is not good and says she won't hit. But next time she's mad, wham! I know I have to be patient and wait this out. But lordy, it's hard to exude calm when I'm tired and she's just walloped me across the cheek or scratched my face.

[abeliamama]

Originally Posted by ShadowMom

I strive for #5 and it does work the most.

My kid hit, bodyslammed, bit-you name it. I wonder if you could look at it as he probably feels awful and doesn't want to hit, he just doesn't know what else to do. I know that's hard when you are being hit (the fight or flight), but I bet he wants to calm down as much as you want him to.

With my son, I think part of it was a desire for physical contact without knowing how to ask for it. After seeing an OT for Sensory Processing Disorder, we learned techniques for giving him sensory input (laying on him, squishing him, heavy work) which is what he was craving.

Maybe the hug gives your kid some compression. Just a thought. My son does still at 5, hit his sister sometimes, but not me. He does still bodyslam and jump on me, but now I know what he needs.

Good luck!