22mo jealous

[Mandala126]

How do you discipline a 22mo who's very jealous over her new sister (3wks old)? DD1 is waking the baby up on purpose by playing loud or yelling. She screams at diaper changes and when she's upset about something, throws her toys EVERYWHERE in the house and just leaves them there, she used to clean up after playing. She also started hitting (not too much) me and DH and hit the baby once when she first arrived home. I mean, I don't want my sweet little girl turning "bad". I mean, we tandem nurse, co-sleep, we involve DD1 in everything we do around the baby and she likes that but sometimes it's just crazy around here, especiall when she starts screaming bloody murder, I'm afraid the neighbors will call CPS one of these days. DH is leaning toward spanking but I really want to avoid it. What do I do? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
Thank you mamas!

[sapphire_chan]

You say that she's involved with everything to do with the baby, but does she get time with you that doesn't have to do with the baby? Your dh in particular should be giving over his evenings to her during this newborn time when your youngest needs you so much.

Remember, a 22 month old is a BABY. She didn't magically grow up just because she's now the "oldest."

As for deliberately waking your DD2 up, have you tried pointing out that if her sister's asleep she gets you to herself?

ETA: It's very hard not to say anything cross about your dh's idea that hitting his older baby is any sort of logical solution to the situation, but please continue to make it clear that that is unacceptable.

[quietserena]

Could it be that she's just craving your attention without the baby? Some special thing you could do with her while the baby's sleeping? Some crafts or something? Could you hire a mother's helper for a little while to hold the baby while you play with her?

Does she 'help' with the baby? Like, hand you diapers when you need them? And bring your water when you nurse?

It's hard to tell, I know that some toddlers want to be 'big' and help with the baby and some want to be babied themselves. Just depends on what she wants, yknow? Would she take to being worn while you carry the baby around? Sometimes that's nice too and not too hard on the mom - easier than carrying surely.

All the things seem like she's expressing frustration more than anything else. Going down the spanking route might make for the adults stress relief but it won't solve the situation. Actually, she's likely to get worse and dig her heels in more. It's not going to help long term, or perhaps even short term.

It's not an easy situation. I'm going to be in it with a 28mo old in just a few short weeks.

[Mandala126]

I do all the things you mentioned, it's just hard to remember all that and even harder to write it down with two LO's. DD1 does get alone time with me and DH. I read books with her, we do puzzles, we "cook" together, I do explain to her that the more the baby sleeps the more time we get together but she cries throuhg it. DH starts his time with her as soon as he's in the door from work, she runs to him with a book and his reading to her until bath time, she loves reading time. I do communicate the no hitting thing to him and he's abiding by it the best he can, he was brought up as mainstream as you can get, but is very patient with DD. So to me it feels like I've done everything I'm supposed to, or I think I'm supposed to, but it's still hard. I realize it will pass and DD will get used to her sister, especially when the baby gets to be the age when she can interact more with DD1.

[quietserena]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply you weren't doing a good job. I just figured sometimes when there's a newborn involved, the momma brain hits hard and it's hard to remember stuff.