Please please help me be more gentle (& stop yelling)

[windorabug]

I feel like such a jerk right now, for the last few days I have been yelling at my dd too much & I have swatted her at least once every day the past few days. She just turned 2 in Nov. and just gets into everything. Our house is generally set up to be very child friendly with cupboards for her & child locks on the one dangerous one under the sink, plenty of toys & books. Only a very few things are not to be touched - the cat litter, sharp knives (while I am cooking she likes to help & I have to be ultra cautious about where I set things down.), I had a drawer next to my side of the bed that I really didn't want her to touch, I have since removed everything from the drawer as I figured we could use one less thing to fight over. I also don't really like her constantly going in the fridge, I tried to have a snack plate in there for her but she also wanted to take out the jam jar, leftovers, & generally everything but her snack plate.
I understand she is trying to figure out her world & what she can & can't do. And I really try to give her as many choices & opportunities to do things on her own, getting dressed, snack choices, hand washing etc..
The past 2 days have been especially hard, I was in the middle of cleaning the house & I come out of the bathroom & she is climbing the bookshelf I screamed at her to get down (more I think because it frightened me). Just after I finished cleaning the house, she thought it would be a great idea to put cat litter on the cat while he was eating, I didn't catch her until after he had wandered through the whole house with litter all over his back & now all over the house. We had talked about not doing this many times before & she hasn't done it in a long time (since this summer with dirt in the yard) So I yelled "NO that is not OK" & I asked her to help me clean up which she did willingly. Later on that night we are trying to go to bed & she is squirming & fidgeting in bed after having nursed for 45 minutes (she just started doing this very recently & it drives me nuts) I told her she needed to settle down or I would have to get up, which is what I did after another 10 minutes of fidgeting. She freaked out & was crying then got very quiet, I go back in to the bedroom & she has gotten in to the drawer & is smearing lotion all over herself & the bed. I was furious & I swatted her on the butt (kind of hard) & pushed her back to her side of the bed after slamming the drawer shut. I calmed down & we had a short nurse & she fell asleep.
Today - things are headed in the same direction, in the fridge all morning (& yes I always have snacks out for her, cereal, fruit, yogurt drink etc) & messing with things I have repeatedly asked her to look at only with her eyes (& that we have explored together), climbing on everything she can find to get at the dvd player & TV. Generally being a 2 year old testing bounderies. We had just had lunch & she said she was done & not even 10 minutes later she is back in the fridge. I yelled at her to get out of there. 2 seconds later I turn around & again she has a handful of cat litter that she is trying to put on the cat in the middle of the kitchen. I yelled "are you effing kidding me" grabbed her hand roughly, took the litter & then came back & smacked her hand & put her in the bedroom while I cleaned up. I just feel like I have to be hyper vigilant every second of the day & it is exhausting me. Every time I turn around she is doing something that is either dangerous or annoying (to me).
I love my daughter so much & really try very hard to keep my emotions in check, as I know I have a short fuse. She is so sweet & gentle & curious that it makes it so much worse when I behave badly. Since she was born I have become more patient & gentle than I ever thought was possible. Lately I have been so snappy & I really hate that I have swatted her & I feel so sick inside. I don't want to damage our relationship any further & need help.
It is really just "in the moment" that is the trouble for me as I do know how to have talks with her (albeit one sided as she is not yet speaking, which I think is causing some of the problems) & how to explore things safely with her. I just don't know what to do when I feel so overcome with anger that I lash out either verbally or physically. I do also feel like sometimes it is all too much for one person to handle but feel like I have nowhere to turn at a moments notice, you know if I am feeling like I need a break I have to go down my list of sitters until someone can fit me in & usually on their schedule and again that does me no good at that very minute that I about to loose it.
I am sorry this has gotten so long & if you can help me to be a better mama please do.

[quietserena]

This is a haaaaaard age. Most because the kids don't have any sense. None what so ever. Bill Cosby calls it 'brain damage' hehe and I'm starting to agree.

If I were in your situation, I'd be finding ways to eliminate those things that are the hot issues right now - fridge for example. Can you put a latch on it? Or do you have a really long bungee cord that you can put around the door? I figure things like that will have to be out of reach until DD learns to control herself at least somewhat. It might be years.

You might also consider that molars might be coming in, in addition to all the behavioral stuff that comes along. Pain makes for grouchy kids and thus grouchy parents.

I grew up in a house with yellers so that's my first reaction too. But I've been training myself to whisper instead of yelling when I see some sort of two year old insanity. Or not say a thing but hum to myself. I've realized (as you have too probably) that yelling doesn't help and it might just let me vent a little bit but it's not worth the stress. They're too young to get it, really, yknow?

In the resources sticky there's that list of Alternatives to Punishment. When I'm having a really hard day, I copy that list by hand. It gives me some time and it helps remind me of some alternatives. I also have a list of 'things to do' taped to one of my kitchen cupboard - things that are common sense but I never seem to remember them in the moment. It seems to help if for nothing else but becuase I have something to read when I give myself a time out.

You're not alone!

[tatermom]

I agree with the pp that it sounds like you need to do everything you can to eliminate those battles. I know you said your house is child-proofed, but if I were you I would gate off the cat litter and put a lock on the fridge-- those sound like the two biggest triggers (and biggest temptations for your dd right now). Maybe in a few months you could try letting her have access to those areas again, once they are not hot-button issues any more. IMO it's not worth the daily battle. Our cat litter is gated off right now for DS2, but I think DS1 was 2.5 before we could trust him to control himself around such a tempting play area (it's like a sandbox inside the house!).

I, too, have a very hard time controlling my temper in the moment like that, and I'm working hard at not yelling or shaming/guilting my DC (which is my bigger problem right now). I definitely have had plenty of bad days around here, and I just have to apologize to my DC, hug them, and try to do better the next time. It sounds like you two need to reconnect and break the pattern. Can you try something different tomorrow-- a fun outing, something like that (even just a walk) during the time that you usually have most difficulty?

Good luck! You sound like a very loving mom who is feeling overwhelmed right now. I hope you can get a break sometime soon!

[Dar]

Put the catbox in the bathtub.... and yeah, childproof everything, or don't allow her in a room unsupervised that isn't totally childproof.

Really, I wouldn't focus much on cleaning - do what you can do with her near you, but don't worry about it, really. Getting out might help, too... indoor playgrounds, science centers, children's museums... whatever is available and age-appropriate. We had a membership to the science center when Rain was small.

Dar

[Fuamami]

I have an almost two year old and we've been going through so much of the same stuff around here. I'm on my third, so I'm pretty good about knowing what to expect out of them (nothing, absolutely nothing), but I still get frustrated.

It really helps me to think of him as a little wind-up toy, or a robot with a broken remote. Instead of expecting them to do what you way, or remember to not climb on the counter, or keep the door to the fridge closed, you just have to follow them around and redirect them, just like you would with one of those Roomba vaccuums or something. Of course, while you redirect it's good to explain the reason, but don't expect a result any time soon.

Another thing I do to help keep my temper in check is to imagine that I am watching someone else's kid, or that someone is watching me parent. I would be so ashamed if some of my friends had been there in some of my worse moments, but in reality the most important people of all were watching...my kids!



I'm sure it's very hard to do it all by yourself. Try to get a break when you can. Will she watch TV?

[quietserena]

Originally Posted by Fuamami

Another thing I do to help keep my temper in check is to imagine that I am watching someone else's kid, or that someone is watching me parent. I would be so ashamed if some of my friends had been there in some of my worse moments, but in reality the most important people of all were watching...my kids!

I looooove this idea!

[windorabug]

Hi & thank you all for your advice & wisdom. We have had a much better day today. I really think the trouble happens when I am not in the right mindset to deal with a 2 year old! If I can just relax & let things happen as they will it is sooo much easier. I did go out & buy a fridge latch & we have a gate for the cat/laundry room again now. I do think though that these are stop gap measures & she will be up to something else soon... such as,while I was putting the groceries away she has opened a drawer on the table in her playroom & used that as a step stool to get up on top of the table! OK fine I say but I also say I think that might not be the safest place to play & keep an eye on her while she is up there. (so far so good!) but then she starts pulling all the leaves off of the plant & it is time to get down, without too much of a fuss though (whew!)
So I guess I have 2 dilemmas, one how do I keep my cool when I am repeating the same things over & over & over again? Two, I really feel like she should just listen to me! (I know that is not really an option right now but!)

[quietserena]

I've been falling into the "How many times do I have to tell you.." thing but then I remember how old DD is.

Just gotta keep repeating to yourself htat it's nothing against you, just a 2 year old exploring the world.

[mysticmomma]

Just a thought on the fridge thing. When my dd was going through this phase, I sat on the floor in front of the fridge and let her look and move and rearrange and take everything out and put everything in and so on. I told her it was fine to explore the fridge, but she had to do it with me. This comes from a continuum concept philosophy of letting them experience what they need to experience.

On the kitty litter, perhaps it is a texture thing. Maybe you could go to the dollar store and buy a tarp to put down on the ground and give her something textured to play with if you don't have a sand/water table.

Also getting out will be a great help. We used to pack our bag at night and get up have breakfast get dressed and then go out until it was nap time.

As far as bedtime goes, next time just sit up on the edge of the bed or in the doorway so you can still see her.

You're right. She's exploring. Help her do just that with the things she's trying to. After a few weeks, my daughter was over the fridge thing. We did the same thing with lotion. She always wanted to put my lotion on, so for weeks I would give her a dab and we would rub each others feet after a bath. Now she hardly ever asks unless she sees me do it. I also have all of my things on a shelf high up in the middle of our bedroom away from anything that could be climbed on.

Bill Cosby was right. They have brain damage.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by windorabug

Two, I really feel like she should just listen to me! (I know that is not really an option right now but!)

Do you have a playgroup? Or some place where you can hang out with other two year olds and their parents? This is very helpful for me, too, to see that most kids act in the same way. I SAHM and Dh works and I've noticed he has much different expectations for the kids sometimes. Your dd sounds like she's behaving exactly as she should for a two year old. And the best part is, she WILL listen to you. Every time you are compassionately firm, it's like putting money in the bank for a year down the road. I promise!

[krystyn33]

Are you getting decent sleep? I have a terrible time when DS's sleep is worse than usual (which is not great in itself). I agree with getting out with other moms and toddlers and redirection and preventing issues as much as possible by controlling the environment.

As for temper control--it can be hard!! I am a big time taker of DEEP breaths. It helps me slow down and curb my reaction in order to think first and then act purposefully. When my fuse is short and I lose it, I start over, and I will apologize if I yelled. Now that I've become aware of times/conditions which make it more likely that I will "blow my top" I take preventative measures, trying to head off conflicts by slowing down, keeping perspective (is it really imperative that I get that load of laundry in right this second?), by redirecting DS if needed or mostly by getting myself a much needed break. When I find being patient and kind to be unduly challenging, that's a signal that I need to take care of myself so I can be the mom I want to be. Not easy, since we're generally overextended and short on support, but worth the effort!

[Mountaingirl79]

I would have latched the fridge and gated the kitty litter too!
Also, it's about testing boundaries yes, but it's also about consistency. If going in the fridge was okay for her some of the time, there's no reason for her to understand that sometimes it was not.
Like with the climbing thing, you said you let her climb on a drawer to get to a spot, and you let her do it even though you were afraid it might be starting something that wasn't safe. I would have redirected as soon as I saw what she was trying to do, because it's not safe. ( I might even say " NOT safe! before redirecting.) But if you are letting her do it whilst debating inside yourself whether or not she she should, she's not going to see it as a boundary that had been set. How can she know her boundaries if you don't set them clearly?

[vaughnmama]

90-second rule

Someone else in the GD forum posted a fabulous explanation of the 90 second rule...I don't have the link, maybe you can search for it. But in a nut shell: it takes 60 to 90 seconds for the chemical reaction/physiological response of adrenaline/anger to pass in our bodies. So as soon as you see or hear something that usually makes you yell or hit, as soon as you feel that physical feeling of anger in your body, walk away and do some other action. For example, hurry to the sink and get yourself a glass of water and drink it all, or take some rescue remedy drops, or go to the restroom and splash water on your face...and most importantly, stay away for about 90 seconds until you feel like the physical feelings/chemicals of anger have passed. And say some empowering mantra to yourself out loud as you take this 90 sec break (maybe one of the following: "I am the adult, I can control my behavior." "I will not hit." "I love my child and I can deal with this without yelling." "I can go back and calmly show her what she CAN do instead.")

[windorabug]

Originally Posted by Fuamami

Do you have a playgroup? Or some place where you can hang out with other two year olds and their parents? This is very helpful for me, too, to see that most kids act in the same way. I SAHM and Dh works and I've noticed he has much different expectations for the kids sometimes. Your dd sounds like she's behaving exactly as she should for a two year old. And the best part is, she WILL listen to you. Every time you are compassionately firm, it's like putting money in the bank for a year down the road. I promise!

Thanks! I do go to playgroups & girlfriends houses that have little ones around the same age. And it is helpful to be reminded that she is just 2 & not an adult!

[windorabug]

Originally Posted by Mountaingirl79

Also, it's about testing boundaries yes, but it's also about consistency. If going in the fridge was okay for her some of the time, there's no reason for her to understand that sometimes it was not.

I totally agree & it has been working pretty well with just never letting her in there (for right now!)

Originally Posted by Mountaingirl79

Like with the climbing thing, you said you let her climb on a drawer to get to a spot, and you let her do it even though you were afraid it might be starting something that wasn't safe. I would have redirected as soon as I saw what she was trying to do, because it's not safe. ( I might even say " NOT safe! before redirecting.) But if you are letting her do it whilst debating inside yourself whether or not she she should, she's not going to see it as a boundary that had been set. How can she know her boundaries if you don't set them clearly?

This has been very hard for me as I really want her to feel free to experiment & challenge herself. And sometimes I just automatically say no & then second guess myself & realize that what she is doing is not a big deal. But I had already said no! And to make it even harder sometimes I don't care & sometimes things bother the heck out of me. I think what I need to do is set down some house rules - more for myself so I know where MY bounderies & what my hot points are beforehand. ykwim?

[windorabug]

Originally Posted by vaughnmama

And say some empowering mantra to yourself out loud as you take this 90 sec break (maybe one of the following: "I am the adult, I can control my behavior." "I will not hit." "I love my child and I can deal with this without yelling." "I can go back and calmly show her what she CAN do instead.")

Oh thank you for this - for putting these thoughts out there for me. Especially the last two.

[Mizelenius]

I see two big things going on:
(1) You are a single mama. Unless you have a great support system in place, I would imagine you may feel overwhelmed. ALL parents do, but to do it solo . . .well, that's just a whole different path.
(2) Expectations. I think it is common to expect too much from a child, especially a first-born.

My best advice is:
*When in doubt, do nothing except keep your DD (and cat) safe. Don't say anything, don't touch her, don't discipline. This is FAR superior to acting out of anger or frustration. Give yourself permission to just "be" without having to act. Sometimes it is very freeing to realize you don't have to have all of the answers-- you just have to keep quiet.

*Don't excuse your behavior to yourself. You don't have to feel guilty about the past, but take responsibility for what you do and say in the present. As overwhelmed as I imagine you might be, avoid giving into the temptation of saying, "I have these issues going on so I get to be short-tempered, annoyed, etc. with DD right now." I have done that-- excuse myself mentally while I am being unreasonable with my children-- and it is really unfair to them. (I'm not saying you do this, but I have, so I thought I'd throw that out there.)

mama!

ETA: I checked out what your DD looks like-- she is too precious for words.

[crazyrunningmama]

I want to thank the OP and everyone who has responded. I was just thinking about posting a thread with similiar issues myself. I am going through infertility treatments, but as the PP mentioned, I cannot use my stress level to excuse my inappropriate behaviour.

I also wanted to add some things that do help us
- include her in what you are doing (it takes more energy to have her "help" you than it would to do it yourself, but in the long run it is less energy than hoping she occupies herself or having to deal with whatever she has gotten into)
- explain things calmly and clearly. My dh does this a lot with my dd. I often think that he is talking over her head, but then she calms down and understands (still might do it again later, she is 2 1/2) Even though your dd is not talking much, she might understand more than you think. Try to guess her reason for doing something (eg. kitty litter on cat's back, she might think she is helping the cat) and give her an explanation "Kitty litter is dirty and the cat doesn't like it on her back. It also makes a mess"

[Mizelenius]

Originally Posted by crazyrunningmama

- explain things calmly and clearly.

Yes-- it actually calms ME down when I do it, too.

about the treatments.

to you!

[weliveintheforest]

I have been there, right down to swatting my 2 year old's bum. Some days it just seems like too much, and it's really hard to talk about it. I never did because I am against spanking and didn't want to be flamed, or told it was ok.

Something that works for me often is to have dd help me with everything. Even if it means it will take way longer. For example, she got into stuff while you put away groceries, so maybe she can 'help' you somehow next time?