Please please help me be more gentle (& stop yelling) - Page 2

[windorabug]

Originally Posted by weliveintheforest

I have been there, right down to swatting my 2 year old's bum. Some days it just seems like too much, and it's really hard to talk about it. I never did because I am against spanking and didn't want to be flamed, or told it was ok.

I couldn't agree more with this. I have talked about it with my small group of friends, not the swatting but how I wish we could all talk more openly about the immense feelings & pressure we all face everyday. But it still seems we just say "oh everything is fine, how are you?" when in reality we are about to explode. I also am totally against spanking or any hitting & every time I see my name associated with it I cringe & it really is not at all ok. I have one girlfriend that I do talk to about everything & she always reminds me that I am not alone in how I feel - even the really dark thoughts. I am so grateful to her for that.

Originally Posted by weliveintheforest

Something that works for me often is to have dd help me with everything. Even if it means it will take way longer. For example, she got into stuff while you put away groceries, so maybe she can 'help' you somehow next time?

We do this a lot. It really does help & I feel like she feels empowered & more in control of her world which in turn makes her not as likely to freak out!

We have been in a much better place lately & it feels really good, we are still struggling with a few things but one or two things is far better than whole days of constant fighting with each other over every little thing.

[carmel23]

I just wanted to give you a hug and say hang in there mama, I'm glad to hear things are going better. It always helped me to look at their little hands in a moment of hotheadedness. Look at their hands and remember how little they are

[Pumpkin_Pie]

I haven't read all of the posts yet, but I was seriously coming here to post pretty much this exact same thing tonight. My son won't be two until the end of March, but he is pushing hard on acting like he is two. He is super tall, and advanced verbally too, which makes it even harder to treat him like the baby that he really still is. I have caught myself saying things that I swore I would never say to him such as: "Now what are you getting into???" (shouted from the next room when he gets super quiet, "Why can't you listen to me???" "MOMMY SAID NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" and my current embarrassment, "WHEN MOMMY SAYS NO, THAT DOES NOT MEAN DO IT MORE!" Yep, I am soooooooo there too.

I broke down at church yesterday over it actually. I have felt like such a terrible mama. I have been screaming, yelling, saying "NO" about a million times a day, and generally doing everything short of hitting him that I swore I would NEVER EVER do. It made me so sad that I ended up crying through the service and leaving early to go down to the nursery to nurse him.

It is so hard when the rage flashes to not take it out on them. I appreciate these threads so much and it makes me feel a little less like a monster to know that other mamas out there struggle with the same things. I also so appreciate the suggestions that people have to lessen some of the struggles.

Hugs to you mama. I will be watching this thread closely for ideas for my own little one.

ETA: Just wanted to add some things I have done lately to lessen my stress level. DS was dumping cups of liquids after nearly having given up sippies, so we are back to using sippies. He also has been throwing food on the floor, so no eating unless I am right there with him anymore too. I used to let him walk around with a cup of cereal or crackers, but he would dump them and walk on them (fun...) so he is no longer allowed to walk around with snacks. I just make sure I offer every hour or so now, which is harder to remember, but much easier to keep clean.

[prettypixels]

My daughter is going to be 2 tomorrow! And I am struggling too, especially if I am tired or PMSing. (I'm both, right now. UGH!) I haven't hit her though I have yelled, but I find that I need to remove myself from the situation when I feel myself losing control. So I go into the nearest bathroom, shut the door, turn on the fan, and sit down and just breathe for 30 seconds... splash a little water on my face and go out and get her.

I know we can both be more gentle if we try. Also what ways can you anticipate the things she will do and head them off at the pass? Like with the drawer you mention emptying, that is excellent. I'm not sure if you could do something similar with the fridge, or give her a "job" that is fridge-related... like "Babygirl could you please get me X out of the fridge? Ok, now close the door.." I don't know, just some ideas off the top of my head!

[kellykins]

No book could ever contain all the knowledge and love you mamas have.


I just wanted to jump in and say that.

I've been struggling, battling against my drama-queen, strong willed little 2.5yo - more and more each day it seems.

The advice you've given here is 100% applicable to me, and I thank you guys for it!!

I gotta admit one small triumph amongst my own drama-queen over-emotionalness, teachiing both dd and I to take breaths when we are feeling frustrated, take breaths and have a smile and then move on.

It totally works.
I actually had a clerk at Crate and Barrel say WOW! one day when dd was throwing a scremfest because she wanted to runt hrough the glass section (eek!) and I wanted her to hold my hand.
I got down to her level, and took her by the shoulders, and told her she needed to take some breaths and I took some with her and sure enough, she chilled and hugged me, game over.

NOW! If I could only be that cool and calm ALL the time?!?!?!

[Mountaingirl79]

Jen- I totally get what you are saying, sometimes it's hard to know when you should redirect and when you shouldn't. Sometimes I think when I get too stressed I have a harder time with that.
Hugs! We all go through it!

[Pumpkin_Pie]

You know, I had a similar experience with DS today. I was super frustrated at him and I had just screamed at the walls "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and DS looked up at me like, "Mommy, you are weird" and I said, "Buddy, what are we going to do?" He looked at me and took the biggest deepest sigh. I had to laugh, because that was exactly what I needed to do. I just took some deep breaths with him and we went on with our day.

[Mountaingirl79]

Also, Crazyrunningmama, I ditto the talking calmly and clearly! It helps so much, even with young babies.

[InDaPhunk]

Your daughter sounds great and inventive and fun and determined (and exhausting and exasperating and frustrating). Can't really have the good without the (perceived) "bad" right? My DS has a lot of...energy .

Great advice from PPs but I'd like to add:

when she can talk, things will improve *immensely*. Thank god. Seriously, huge diff. Just try to get through until then. I almost could leave it at that bc it really will make all the difference.

instead of giving her a plate of food, let the bottom shelf of the fridge be hers, put the containers of her favorite foods down there, let her fix it herself with some help (or eat out of the containers, wtf cares?), give her an accessable shelf in the cabinet with bowls, cups and and a little container for knives, forks, and spoons and a shelf for dry goods that she can have. I mean, she's grown up, right? She doesn't need a plate fixed for her god, mom ! Get her a cutting board and knife to help cook in the kitchen. I have something similar to this which cuts pretty well but doesn't cut fingers, lots of production value.

clean less. I know you didn't really say that you cleaned all that much, so I'm totally assuming. Not that you clean a ton, but however much you clean, consider cleaning less. Get the big stuff- cat litter on the floor . Chunks of stuff. Things that attact vermin. Wads of things. The big piles. That's about it. Then clean a little here and there when you get a sec. Or don't. Cleaning has been my parenting achilles heel. I know I should be ashamed of myself and I ponder this often; my mom spent her entire young life fighting against having a spotless house in favor of achieving and living and being. The feminist movement made it possible for me to live instead of clean, and now I repay them by cleaning. I should be ashamed of myself. So now I clean less and live more. All the propaganda of Live Clean...I know it's The Man trying to keep me down .

with the understanding that your child is intuitive and smart and thinking and feeling can come the expectation that they are also sane and rational. However, I've found this isn't necessarily true. Sometimes they behave like they don't undertand things and act as if they've only been on the planet for a couple of years. So I get irritated when my DS acts illogically and irrationally. Wtf is he? THREE? I have to constantly remind myself that he is a kid and will sometimes actually act like it. Just because I explain things rationally doesn't mean he'll act rationally. Seriously, sometimes I have a hard time remembering that he's not doing stuff solely to make me insane. If I remember that - and attribute more age appropriate motivations such as "I'm standing in the dogs' water bowl because it looks just like a little pool, I wonder if I can fit my whole body into it" instead of "Mom told me 45,200 times not to do this so it will surely push her over the edge if I do it" then I do much better. But sometimes I have to slow w a y d o w n to remember that. Unconditional Parenting helped me, I reread it to remain in the right frame of mind.

get DD exercise, lots of it, daily, and early in the day, as early as possible. Every day.

lower your expectations of what you can accomplish in a day (other than the daily accomplishment that is Raising an Entire Human Being from Scratch, always remember to pat yourself on the back for that one). I know the expectations have probably gone down a million times already, lower them again.

make a list of activities and keep it updated and handy. Get lots of tactile sorts of projects, paints, beans to pour, things to cut, to glue, lots and lots of "work". When she's starts doing stuff that makes you nuts, know that she's understimulated and do an activity. Write ideas down, keep a list handy, bc in the heat of the moment you won't be able to think of one good idea. Doing an activity will also help you slow down, reconnect. And whoever said "breathe"...yeah, do that, it helps.

you're not alone. Promise.

[krystyn33]

Originally Posted by InDaPhunk

The feminist movement made it possible for me to live instead of clean, and now I repay them by cleaning. I should be ashamed of myself. So now I clean less and live more. All the propaganda of Live Clean...I know it's The Man trying to keep me down .

Thanks for that. Keeping a sense of humor is essential for survival in parenthood, or at least that's been my experience.

Great post!

[wrenbrrd]

Thank you so much for having the courage to post this!

I know exactly what you mean! I haven't been physical with my son, but I have yelled at him quite a bit. Sometimes I can't believe the rage I have inside (also manifests into road rage).

You know what seemed to help? When I felt like I couldn't stop yelling, I looked at pictures of him when he was an infant. That made me "Ooh" & "aah" for a bit.

Also... oh, this might be extreme... I found youtube clips of that painful film "Bastard Out of Carolina"... & it made me sick to my stomach. So, while I have never ever remotely considered abusing my child, watching that served to make me that much more appreciative of kindness & patience with children.

There are quite a few funny postings on the internet that will put stuff in perspective as well (or, at least, make us feel not so alone in the height of the madness!)

Also, now that he's approaching three, he will actually stop himself from doing certain things that I used to tell him "no" about. I have tried to keep the "no"s to a minimum anyway, but we live near my parents, & they are control freaks... my mom's house is like a museum. So he hears "no" constantly from her. I guess we can only protect them so much.

Anyhow, hope this helped (& wasn't too non sequitur).

[lovesprout]

Originally Posted by mysticmomma

On the kitty litter, perhaps it is a texture thing. Maybe you could go to the dollar store and buy a tarp to put down on the ground and give her something textured to play with if you don't have a sand/water table.

I agree on the kitty litter thing. Perhaps you can mix different grains to make a gritty mix, like dry oats, buckwheat, quinoa, farina, couscous, etc.

[AngelBee]

:

[prettypixels]

Originally Posted by lovesprout

I agree on the kitty litter thing. Perhaps you can mix different grains to make a gritty mix, like dry oats, buckwheat, quinoa, farina, couscous, etc.

How do you guys do this without having couscous all over your universe for the rest of all eternity? A few times I gave my daughter a baking pan with some rice to play with, but no matter what it would get EVVVVVVVVVERYWHERE. Now I don't do that because it is just too brutal trying to clean it all up. I have enough trouble with housekeeping as it is! If you have some tips as to how to do this without it being all over the place, I'd be glad to hear.

I have an adorable picture somewhere of my diaper-clad chubby daughter at about 15 months old sitting ON a cookie sheet full of rice. Ha!

[InDaPhunk]

Originally Posted by prettypixels

How do you guys do this without having couscous all over your universe for the rest of all eternity? A few times I gave my daughter a baking pan with some rice to play with, but no matter what it would get EVVVVVVVVVERYWHERE. Now I don't do that because it is just too brutal trying to clean it all up. I have enough trouble with housekeeping as it is! If you have some tips as to how to do this without it being all over the place, I'd be glad to hear.

I have an adorable picture somewhere of my diaper-clad chubby daughter at about 15 months old sitting ON a cookie sheet full of rice. Ha!

We like beans better than rice or something smaller. They make a very satisfying sound when poured . We bought a tray like this one and when DS was younger I gave him one kind of bean (large white ones) and 2 containers to pour in. Then I demonstrated pouring, then after a little while, I added a measuring spoon and demonstrated scooping from one container to the other. It sounds insanely simple and as if it would get boring really fast, but in my DS's case he would do that for a long, long time...and he has a lot of energy and doesn't 'sit well' . It's a Montessori activity I got from this book. After awhile (months) -to mix it up - I added a different kind if bean, then a third, then different containers, etc, now he cooks and pours and does everything else bean and he doesn't always use the tray. The tray mostly keeps the beans contained, but if not, to hell with it, pull out a broom or vaccuum. Starting the project with her seated will help keep things mostly in one spot, and encouraging staying within the tray or cookie sheets confines will help, too. The key is presenting it as important work- and it *is* imp work for her- and the tray is her work space. How many times a day do you pour things? Working on that skill is important to her.

[Hopeful VBA2C]

I truly don't have the time to read over everyone of the post here, but I did read yours and My almost 3 yr old was like that and he hardly talked for the longest time. So I taught him simple childhood sign language, ( Please, Thank you, Help me, Eat, Juice, they even have cat), and as you are doing everything say the word and do the sign for it. Chrildren seem to pick it up very easily. It's seem from my two children that children of that age aren't doing bad things to upset you. They mainly want to please you. I also would not show her any reaction to the bad stuff just simple, without emotion take her away from whatever it is that she is not supposed to do, don't say anything to her she is looking for attention and she knows that these acts even though it is not good attention is still getting your undivided attention for that moment if that makes any sense I hope that helps. I know it sounds really silly but count to ten before doing anything. It gives your body a chance to get rid of the initial adrenalin

[Happy2bMom]

Thank you Thank you Thank you for this post. I am right there with you. I have an 18month old and just turned 3 year old. They are driving me nuts. I feel like I spent the past 2 days yelling at them. This is no fun. I an going to try a lot of these suggestions. Especially the 90 second one. So, thank you. I am glad I am not alone.