My oldest dd is 8, and most of her playdates and overnights with friends have taken place in our home, mostly because I'm the main mom doing the inviting. This has worked out pretty well for us.
On the rare occasions when dd has gone to someone else's home, I've explained beforehand that in some families, they expect you to eat at dinner and then "close" the kitchen (food is always available in our home, and we never make our girls eat -- they just eat as much as they want, when they want).
So I've suggested to dd that she try to eat what she can at the family meal, so she won't be hungry later. We've also discussed how to politely decline foods she doesn't want, and to just take as much as she feels she can eat, rather than taking a lot and then just eating a few bites.
So, anyhow, she was invited overnight to a friend's recently. And it was upsetting to her that there was some distress caused by her not wanting to eat "some of everything." Dd went with her friend's family to the grandparent's house to help decorate for Christmas, and the grandmother provided quite a spread of food.
And this family has a rule that their children have to put some of everything on their plate, and taste each item before they decide they don't want it. So they made dd take some of everything, too. And the grandma got really upset when dd wouldn't try it all -- I guess she did taste it, but a lot got wasted, which upset the grandma. Some of the food was definitely stuff she liked, so if they'd just let her select for herself, there wouldn't have been all the waste that upset the grandma so much ...
Dd said that at first, the grandma was going to make her stay at the table 'til she complied, then she decided to just let dd get up and go play ...
Later that evening, dd's friend's brother informed dd that "My grandma never wants to have you in her home again" -- but then dd's friend said, "She didn't really mean that, she just wants you to eat."
So ... dd is now saying she never wants to go to another overnight (this was only her second overnight away from us, she went to her first about a year ago). Not just because of the eating-thing, but because of how much she missed us when she was the only one awake in bed late that night (we homeschool, and dd's friend goes to school so gets tired much earlier at night).
And of course I'm not going to push her to go anywhere she doesn't want to go. I did suggest that maybe we could eliminate the late-night wakefulness by me waking her earlier on a day when she's going to her friend's. But she still doesn't want to do the overnights, and that's fine.
I've suggested that if they invite her again, I can explain that she doesn't yet feel ready to be away overnight, so maybe I could bring her for the evening or something (she does want to go back to play, just not to spend the night, and she never wants to go when they're going to the grandma's).
So, now I'm thinking that anytime dd visits in friends' homes, maybe I should let the other moms know that it's really no big deal if dd doesn't eat much, that I don't expect them to make sure she eats or anything, and that she tends to not eat much when she's excited and having fun. I'm trying to think of a "polite" way to express that I really don't want dd to feel pressured about eating ...
I'd previously thought that it was sufficient to talk just with dd about social expectations, so she'd know how to politely decline something (but also know to try to eat something at mealtime so she's not hungry later if they're a "close-the-kitchen" kind of family). But it hadn't occured to me that some adults would actually try to force food on someone else's child.
So ... any ideas about the best ways to approach this if it comes up in future?
On the rare occasions when dd has gone to someone else's home, I've explained beforehand that in some families, they expect you to eat at dinner and then "close" the kitchen (food is always available in our home, and we never make our girls eat -- they just eat as much as they want, when they want).
So I've suggested to dd that she try to eat what she can at the family meal, so she won't be hungry later. We've also discussed how to politely decline foods she doesn't want, and to just take as much as she feels she can eat, rather than taking a lot and then just eating a few bites.
So, anyhow, she was invited overnight to a friend's recently. And it was upsetting to her that there was some distress caused by her not wanting to eat "some of everything." Dd went with her friend's family to the grandparent's house to help decorate for Christmas, and the grandmother provided quite a spread of food.
And this family has a rule that their children have to put some of everything on their plate, and taste each item before they decide they don't want it. So they made dd take some of everything, too. And the grandma got really upset when dd wouldn't try it all -- I guess she did taste it, but a lot got wasted, which upset the grandma. Some of the food was definitely stuff she liked, so if they'd just let her select for herself, there wouldn't have been all the waste that upset the grandma so much ...
Dd said that at first, the grandma was going to make her stay at the table 'til she complied, then she decided to just let dd get up and go play ...
Later that evening, dd's friend's brother informed dd that "My grandma never wants to have you in her home again" -- but then dd's friend said, "She didn't really mean that, she just wants you to eat."
So ... dd is now saying she never wants to go to another overnight (this was only her second overnight away from us, she went to her first about a year ago). Not just because of the eating-thing, but because of how much she missed us when she was the only one awake in bed late that night (we homeschool, and dd's friend goes to school so gets tired much earlier at night).
And of course I'm not going to push her to go anywhere she doesn't want to go. I did suggest that maybe we could eliminate the late-night wakefulness by me waking her earlier on a day when she's going to her friend's. But she still doesn't want to do the overnights, and that's fine.
I've suggested that if they invite her again, I can explain that she doesn't yet feel ready to be away overnight, so maybe I could bring her for the evening or something (she does want to go back to play, just not to spend the night, and she never wants to go when they're going to the grandma's).
So, now I'm thinking that anytime dd visits in friends' homes, maybe I should let the other moms know that it's really no big deal if dd doesn't eat much, that I don't expect them to make sure she eats or anything, and that she tends to not eat much when she's excited and having fun. I'm trying to think of a "polite" way to express that I really don't want dd to feel pressured about eating ...
I'd previously thought that it was sufficient to talk just with dd about social expectations, so she'd know how to politely decline something (but also know to try to eat something at mealtime so she's not hungry later if they're a "close-the-kitchen" kind of family). But it hadn't occured to me that some adults would actually try to force food on someone else's child.
So ... any ideas about the best ways to approach this if it comes up in future?
: 
, anyway I could never have forced her and left her to sit at the table because she eats different food from us. For the next time I'd inform them of your nutritional choices and expect them to bend the rules a little for your dd.
I'm not sure what they let her eat first as the 'main' part of her lunch that day.
