Rude comments from a family member. How do you deal with them? - Page 2

[Nate'sMama]

Your sister was rude. I say stuff like that to my infant, because it makes me laugh about it and I know she can't understand me. You know like "get a load of that outfit" about someone on TV But, geez, a six year old??

I have a sister very much like yours. She thinks that I think I'm better than everyone else too. SHe recently told me this to my face, not via a six year old. Although I am sure she has told my niece and nephew this and probably her friends too. Apparently she has thought this since high school. We haven't spoken since, but she'll be cheery to me when I see her on xmas.

I'm sorry you have to go through this too. Especially over the holidays and away from home. I don't have much advice. Not sure if you should talk to her about it now, or grin and bear it and talk later. I haven't figured it all out yet. I'll be limiting contact, because honestly I don't want to be very close to someone who thinks ill of me. Who needs that?

Do you have another sibling to talk to about it? Parent? or friend who knows your sis well?

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

It seems to me there are two issues:

1) Sis thinks you think yourself "better than everyone" because you don't want to expose yourself or your baby to nasty public bathroom germs. My guess is that her comment was the result of lots of other stuff, too-- You using the sling (obviously not the choice she would have made), and probably lots of other APish parenting choices with which she does not agree. I think we all experience people like this-- my personal theory is that they are defensive/insecure about their own choices, and it's best to just let this rolls off our backs. But it is oh-so-annoying.

2) her commenting about it to her daughter. Rude that she said in within earshot of you, yes. However, I don't think she was "out of bounds" or "toxic" for expressing her feelings to her own child. She disagrees with your life choices, and however wrong we might all think her for that, it seems normal to me that she would want to express that to her daughter. If I were out with my sister and she popped a bottle into her infant's mouth and said, "Ew, breastfeeding is gross," I would totally say something to my 6 yo about it--- and in front of my sister, too, if that were the only way.

Obviously she could have done so more kindly-- but this does not seem, in itself, an indicator of a toxic person to be cut off indefinitely.

[Jannah6]

Originally Posted by Una

I overheard my oldest sister telling her 6 year old daughter that I think I'm better than everyone else. The reason she said that in the first place was because I commented that I'd rather wait to change the baby in the car because I think public restrooms are kind of gross.

I feel kind of hurt by that comment. I think it was uncalled for and I just don't understand why she would have said it.

The problem is that it's not the first time she has said something like that to me and I just don't know how to handle it.

How do you handle rude family members?

The OP said this isn't the first time her sister has made rude comments. I do think that a person who makes these types of comments to a child is toxic, what's the point and what's it teaching the child

OP, maybe you should talk to your sister and let her know how this makes you feel.

[EnviroBecca]

Obviously she could have done so more kindly-- but this does not seem, in itself, an indicator of a toxic person to be cut off indefinitely.

It sounds like she is overall frustrated with (a) your decisions being different from hers and (b) your attitude. She should be more pleasant and reasonable about it, BUT you can help with this: (a) Look for things that you DO do the way your big sister advised you, and rave to her about how great they are and how glad you are that she told you so you could do them "right" from the beginning. (b) Pay attention to your tone of voice, body language, etc. and resist over-explaining your choices. It MAY be that your attitude is impeccably humble and this is all your sister's problem, but it's more likely that both of you are relating poorly.

Do you really not understand what's "better than everyone" about avoiding public restrooms? Let me explain: I consider myself part of "everyone", part of "the public". When you say public restrooms are gross, I feel you're saying that I am gross, I'm one of those dirty people, and YOU are NOT so you won't risk being contaminated by us. I know that I have some germs, that other people have different germs, and that we might make each other sick. I just don't think it's such a terrifying big deal. I have been in some public restrooms that were horrifying, and I avoid those particular ones, but in general I believe public restrooms to be no scarier than bathrooms in other people's houses--more people use them, but they get cleaned more often, so it evens out! (For the record, I use public restrooms a lot, and I changed my baby in a lot of them, and neither of us ever has had an illness that seemed likely to have been acquired in a restroom.)

As for changing baby in the car, : I see a lot of people preferring that, and I am baffled! I always AVOIDED changing in the car, and the few times I did it were every bit as awkward and nerve-wracking as I expected! Aren't you worried about getting poop on your car?? (Hey--was this YOUR car, or your sister's?) While some public restrooms have a pretty tight space around the changing table--or have no table so you have to find a place on the floor--most give more elbow room than inside a car. And just as I wouldn't take off my pants in a parked car except in an emergency or very private circumstances, I think it's inappropriate to take off my child's pants there--that's what restrooms are for, when available. JMO!

[1littlebit]

public restrooms are gross. i use them i if i have to but i try avoid them... trying to change ds is freakin hard.. he's a squirmer... so changing tables are an accident waiting to happen. i think she's got issues... who cares about something like that? why even comment? i hate going in porta potties.. like i'd have to be pretty desperate to go near them... and it has nothing to do with thnking im better then anyone else.. i just think they are gross... and they sort of creep me out lol.

[bmcneal]

I've been to some public restrooms that aren't so bad, but, IME, public restrooms *are* some of the most disgusting places I could change my baby. The ones around here, at least the ones I've been in, I try my darndest *not* to use, because they are so foul. I've seen feces smeared on the stall walls, the toilet seat, the floor. Urine all.over.the.seat. I've seen syringes/drug paraphanalia in the toilet/on the floor, used sanitary products on the floor, floating in the toilet. Everything. :Puke So no, given a choice, at least around here, I would *not* change my baby in the bathroom. When DD was a wee babe, and we were waiting for a cab (had been for about an hour) I changed her on my lap on the bench in Wal-Mart right inside the door. Not ideal, and had we just called the cab, or had an idea of when the cab would be there, I probably would have found a better spot. But that's what was available.

I think it was rude for your sister to say that about you. If you don't see her very often, I probably wouldn't say anything, and try to focus on the family that is pleasant to be around.

[Surfer Rosa]

Ah.....family. Good times.

Honestly, the issue is your sister's, not yours. If you feel like you need to call her on it, do it, but be prepared for the fallout

Sometimes people think that the choices you make are a direct reflection on theirs-ie, a judgment-rather than you just doing what works for you/your choice. It sounds like your sister takes issue with some of your choices (ie sling instead of bucket, changing your kid in your car instead of a potentially grody bathroom, etc.)...but that's her trip, not yours.