I said "you ALWAYS"

[kindacrunchy]

I have had it with my 6 yo! Everything is met with resistance and negativity. He is super hard to get a long with. We lock horns constantly. Everything is a competition with his 3 yo brother right down to who gets the first bite of steak. He taunts him. If he is hurt or sad he comes out guns a blazin'. No crying, no asking for hugs, just fightin' mad. I have tried being calm, gentle, etc. but he only responds to me being a drill sergeant or me blowing my top. I don't want to be that kind of mother. My 3 yo and I get along so much better. He is easier to discipline, work things out with, etc. My 6 yo is the opposite. He always has to be right. Has to get the last word in or has to get the last hit, kick, push, or bite in (when it comes to his little bro). His little bro, of course, has learned all of these wonderful things from his brother and so he does it back. I feel that I am CONSTANTLY refereeing. I want to sit back and let them work it out, but they don't. It always ends up with someone getting hurt (usually the youngest) and I can just let that play out.
I have always tried to talk things through but I end up getting so frustrated because it doesn't seem to sink in at all until I lose my mind. What kind of parenting is that? It has gotten so bad that if anybody hits, they take a break in their room (which sometimes ends in chasing my oldest and putting him in his room or holding his hands and legs because he is kicking and hitting), any tauntin ends up with the toy going to me, any hitting over a toy ends up with a toy going to me. We have resorted to a chart of some sort because my oldest has actually been begging for it (i think to even the score with youngest and to see visually who is doing "better") which goes against every fiber in my body but he seems to crave that kind of praise. This morning i said something to the effect of "stop putting up a fight like you ALWAYS do" I can't believe I said that. But I can't believe that I'm where I am at with him anyway.
I have actually considered after school care for him so that he and I are together and he and his brother are together as little as possible so that there is some peace. Some mornings they start at each other right out of the gate. I can't stand it! I have always been sensitive to the emotions around me and it gets me worked up. I feel like I am yelling at them (mostly the oldest ) ALL. THE. TIME.
UUUGGGHHH!!!

[zinemama]

Not that this helps much now, but my 6yo was just like that (especially with his 3yo brother) and really, I didn't want to be around him a lot of the time. I loved him as my child, but I didn't like him much, frankly. But now that he's 8, there has been a huge, huge change.

Hang in there. You said something because you were upset. It's not a crime. Maybe others will have some suggestions. For me, nothing really worked except time.

[LynnS6]

Have you read: Kids, Parents & Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka?
Another good book is: The Challenging Child by Stanley Greenspan

It sounds too, like you're temperamentally very different from your son, and so it's hard for you to "get" where he's coming from. That's neither good nor bad, but it does mean he's going to be harder work for you to parent. (Which is why I recommend the book "Kids, Parents & Power Struggles" because it talks a lot about how the mismatch between parent-child temperament can be hard.)

Another thought: When does he get 1-1 time with you and his dad? It's harder to find that time when they're in school, but it's just as important. Is it possible that he's majorly jealous of your 3 year old because the 3 year old gets you all day while he's at school? "The Challenging Child" talks about the importance of 30 minutes of 'floor time' every day, where the child leads what you do, and your goal is to connect. Without this connection, any behavior 'plan' isn't going to work.

It also sounds like he needs much more distinct boundaries. Personally, I don't think that separating him from his brother when he's taunting or hitting is a fine solution. It would be nice if you didn't have to chase him. If he needs a reward chart, so be it. He and his brother can have different things on it. His can be using gentle words, being gentle with his body, and whatever other behaviors are driving him to distraction. His brother's can be things like self-help skills, etc.

3 and 6 is a big age gap for letting them work things out. I do that if things are moderately under control, but once physical or verbal violence starts, I step in and separate the two. I try hard not to lay blame because I know my own kids well enough that the younger is just as likely to have 'started' it as the older one is (but she's a little more savvy than her older brother, so she's less likely to get caught).

I know it's hard to connect with a kid who's driving you crazy, but if you can try the 30 minutes a day with him, you might well see some improvements.

[kindacrunchy]

Lynn, thanks for your input and you make valid points. Yes, I o think he is jealous about the alone time that younger ds gets while he is at school. Plus, younger ds is transitioning out of napping so has been very time consuming lately. So, no, he and i do not have much one on one time. However, he and hubby do since i am getting younger ds down for bed early.
As far as the going to his room to draw when he loses his temper, he chose that. But when it come time for him to take a break, he fights it. I truly believe that he needs to learn to take a break to calm down. I told him the goal is to separate himself when he is finding that he is getting to upset by his brother. His brother is able to do this. Oldr ds has has a very hard time disengaging.
I probably do lay blame on my oldest. I think I expect him to have some control over himself. HOwever, I'm probably not the best model because when things are heated between the two f them it gets me heated.
thanks.