Originally Posted by bobandjess99
Right there with you......and the scary thing is that even though ds turns 1 this month, I am already having STRONG urges to have another.....WTH?? I'm not sure at all what to do...I've even started planning/looking into local hospitals so I can get drugs.....but then I think of the negatives associated with that....nto to mention my daughter in law just had a baby and got an apidural that DIDN'T work...and I start freaking out thinking about what if I give up everything and go to the hospital ( which would be awful for me..just driving by it makes me ill...I HATE hospitals) and then still don't get the pain relief I need.....it's just an awful, awful choice and I don't know why on earth giving birth has to be so horrible.
In so many ways, you and I are completely on the same page (exception being that I'm okay with hospitals). My ds is 9 mos. Still no PPAF but in the last month I've started really thinking about that #3. And we want 4-8 children . . . ><panic><. I can feel the blood draining out of my face just thinking about it.
I go back and forth. Hospital, w/midwives, epidural optional. What if I choose the epi and it doesn't work? That's one of the worst outcomes IMO. Homebirth. But what if it's like birth #2? No, no no no no. Can I accept the risks of the epidural, for me and for the baby? Can I really sign myself up for hours of physical torture? I look at my beautiful baby boy and I know he was worth it. But would it be worth it to do it again? It's a different question.
And I'm still worried about hospital policies and unnecessary intervention. I don't want to be messed with in birth. I know I can't handle myself. I thought maybe I could after birth #2, but really, I get very suggestible. I was good with just my dh, but once a medical person comes into it, I am just a bowl of jello. Which is why I need good support, a good doula and a supportive HCP who will respect my birth plan and desires to the extent possible. I do think my midwives are those people. But both times I've been in labor, I've become so insular. The first birth I arrived at the hospital ready to push, and the second time I called too late for my midwife to get there on time.
I know I want a HCP there during transition, because both births that's when I've really needed someone medical/professional to reassure me and help me get through it. But I also have to figure out how to get through my mental block of, "I'm doing fine, let's wait another hour to call."
I got pregnant with #2 when #1 was 14/15 mos. Nice, 2 year gap between them. I'd like either 2 or 3 years between #2 and #3. I did want a little bit bigger gap this time, but OTOH I really like the 2 year difference. Eh, who can plan these things anyway. With how many months TTC it takes, I don't feel like I actually have any control.
I love my babies so much and can't imagine not having more. But I also just dread, dread, dread the thought of giving birth again. How could I possibly have a relaxed birth if I'm hugely anxious going into it? Ugh.