3yo being mean/violent to new toddler sibling

[Mama_RJ]

DS1 is 3.5 years old, and was an only child until three weeks ago when we adopted a 1.5 year old. The adjustment is not going well, although I'm sure much of his behavior is not out of the ordinary for a preschooler with a new sibling (especially one who touches his toys - gasp!) Sharing issues aside, DS1 has been downright violent to DS2 at times.

Two instances in particular have me completely beside myself and I don't know what to do. Yesterday, he tried to push DS2 down our stairs. I heard DS2 scream, and thank goodness he was holding on for dear life to the end of the wall. Today, DS1 did it again and was successful, although I was standing at the bottom of the stairs and caught DS2 in mid-air (we have a tri-level with two flights, 7 steps each, so it isn't a huge flight but still...)

This type of behavior will not be tolerated in my house. Today DS1 lost his most prized possession -- his lovey, which just happens to be my hair at bedtime. He was devastated, but my guess is it won't have a lasting impact. The other day he lost his bedtime books, one by one, and ended up with no books read to him before bed. That was a big blow at the time, but obviously didn't help.

We remind him throughout the day to make good decisions, and we give him lots of 1-on-1 time with either myself or DH or both. We've had talks about how hard it is to adjust to someone new living in our home, and how sad it makes us to see him try to hurt his brother. Still, he's mean. I miss my sweet boy!

Any suggestions on the meanness in general (hitting, etc.) or how you would have responded to the pushing down the stairs incidents?

Thanks!
maddiethecat

[lolar2]

I only have the one, but that sounds pretty similar to some of the other violent sibling conflicts I've seen posted on this forum. The most common response I see is never to let them be alone together.

Someone with multiple children will come along and be more specific soon, I expect, but I remembered that tidbit and wanted you to get at least one reply ASAP.

ETA: I remember also some responses to a similar thread where they said to wear one or the other child-- doesn't matter which-- as much as possible, again to facilitate protecting the younger one.

[lolar2]

Sorry, one other thing and then I promise I'll let someone who actually knows what they are talking about take over. It sounds to me like taking away your hair at bedtime and books at bedtime could backfire pretty seriously. The reason he is violent towards the younger sibling, is that he is afraid of losing you and all his possessions because of the younger one. So if his fears are coming true, in his mind the violence would be all the more justified and in fact necessary. And then he might hit and push even more, which wouldn't do the younger one any good. So I don't think that sounds like the best strategy-- if anything I would be reading him an extra book and giving him extra time with your hair (not as a reward obviously, but as a demonstration that he still has a mother and still has possessions).

[avivaelona]

wow, way too harsh mama, I know he needs to know that hurting isn't ok but that is one tough adjustment you are asking of him, taking his "lovey" away (and lets be clear that his lovey is YOU) is the worst thing you could do.

He needs you right now and needs to know this new little guy isn't here to replace him.

If the stairs are a problem I'd gate them (with an under two maybe they should be gated anyway) and I'd never let them be alone without you in the same room for now.

I wouldn't punish with taking away possesions for aggression... punishment isn't a very effective strategy for dealing with conflict. Its hard enough for a little one to get a sibling, usually when you get a sibling though its a baby and not immediately capable of conflict, adding a toddler...well conflict is bound to occur and your 3.5 year old has no idea how to negotiate it. Work on gentle touches and using words, and having him come to you when he has an issue and having you help resolve it. Plus so much reassurance that he's still your special guy.

[naw5467]

I know you said you talked to him about the difficulty of adjusting to a new sibling, but have you addressed his actual feelings? He should know that it's okay for him to feel sad/angry/jealous or whatnot, but NOT okay to hurt. When he does do something, point out how sad and hurt the younger one is and that you do not hurt each other in your house. I would not emphasize how sad it makes you feel, because he may misinterpret that to mean you no longer care about him and that will in turn increase his anger. And I wouldn't take his lovey away or his bedtime books as punishment. He needs those right now. For an immediate consequence separate the two for a while and then try to facilitate together play. I also wouldn't leave them together unattended for now, even for bathroom trips if possible.
This is definitely a huge change for your little guy. Does he respond to a helper or teacher role? Maybe giving him opportunities to care for his new sibling will change his interactions. It's probably a lot harder to have a new toddler as a sibling vs a newborn. They're immediately all up in your "stuff" and your DS is not used to that. I'm sure he's going to need you around a lot to learn how to deal with it and even to learn how to interact with DS2. Lots of gentle touch reminders and coming to you for help, like the PP said, will help. Good luck!

[intentionalmama]

My heart goes way out to you. I read your post last night and it was on my mind this morning. We have been tentatively looking at the possibility of adoption. I remember reading about attachment problems with adoptees and how when a child acts out it is important to really attach. I think this is also true with the biological child. My son who is now 5 always used my hair as his lovey. Even now, when he goes to sleep he will often reach out and just grab a hold for a few seconds before drifting off. I agree with the posters who say withholding this could be seen as a withholding of your love and increase his fear over loosing you. I remember reading about the analogy of bringing in a new sibling into a household is like a husband bringing in a new wife and hoping that all will be well. It is a difficult transition period for everyone. I found the link to the article that came to my mind when I read your post - specifically the bottom area about how she dealt with her older child who was being mean to her younger one - is what I wanted to highlight. http://www.naturalchild.com/naomi_aldort/helping.html

Her idea of comforting the hurting child - your little one terrified of being thrown down the stairs and then trying to centre yourself to go and be with your older one. Naming in an understanding way what you see: ie) You don't like ----- and wish that she wasn't here. It is hard for you to have to share mummy and daddy. That sort of thing. Showing that you understandand love him and that you are going to keep little ----- safe; just as you would keep him safe. That you are there to help him through this time. Maybe you could even give an example when you felt jealous or frightened of loosing someone, etc.

I can only imagine how hard this is; trying to keep your new little one safe, wanting your child back (remember he is there -just showing you a new side of his complex personality) Hugs to you mama, Hang in there.
Lesley

[hollytheteacher]

Originally Posted by avivaelona

wow, way too harsh mama, I know he needs to know that hurting isn't ok but that is one tough adjustment you are asking of him, taking his "lovey" away (and lets be clear that his lovey is YOU) is the worst thing you could do.

He needs you right now and needs to know this new little guy isn't here to replace him.

If the stairs are a problem I'd gate them (with an under two maybe they should be gated anyway) and I'd never let them be alone without you in the same room for now.

I wouldn't punish with taking away possesions for aggression... punishment isn't a very effective strategy for dealing with conflict. Its hard enough for a little one to get a sibling, usually when you get a sibling though its a baby and not immediately capable of conflict, adding a toddler...well conflict is bound to occur and your 3.5 year old has no idea how to negotiate it. Work on gentle touches and using words, and having him come to you when he has an issue and having you help resolve it. Plus so much reassurance that he's still your special guy.

I was planning on just bolding the parts i agree with in here, but then realized i agree with all of this advice!

[LianneM]

ITA with that advice as well. He needs you, and with a new sibling, he needs more of you. Less of you will confirm his fear that he IS losing you, which will likely result in more behavior issues.

My dd is almost 6 mo old and we are still having issues sometimes, though it's much better. Obviously the situation is different since she is a baby, but the feelings are similar, I'm sure.

The things that work for us are (1) filling his cup as much as possible, however we can. That means playing, reading, talking, hugging, lots of reassurance (nonverbal) that he is safe and still very important to us. (2) never leaving them unattended. It's hard, but I cannot walk out of arm's reach and leave him alone with her. He has no impulse-control and no idea that some of the ideas that seem fun to him could hurt her. So she stays strapped on most of the time, or I stay super close by.

Hugs to you! I'm sure it's been a big adjustment for all of you. I highly recommend the link in my signature - there are articles about adoption as well as lots of info for all families.

[mamazee]

I haven't read the thread but I want to add a bit of perspective from your DS's side. Imagine you're married, and (most likely without asking your permission first) your husband brings home another wife, who suddenly gets, at least for some period of time, most of the attention. And you're told she's going to live there from now and and she gets to use your stuff as much as she wants. That's what it feels like to him. He doesn't understand what's happening. All he knows is that he was The Child and now there is another Child and where does he fit in? He needs attention and reassurance. Not punishment.

[kkeake]

Wow, I couldn't read and not post. I was in a very similar situation about three years ago. We had one biological child, our daughter, who was 2 1/2, and then we adopted a 2 1/2 year old boy. They are five weeks apart. I will be blunt: the first two months were an absolute nightmare. There was not one single day that went by that I didn't think we had made a huge mistake. They fought, screamed, cried, spit, hit, and generally tantrummed multiple times per day. They would shove each other off my lap in competition for my physical affection. It was heartbreaking and infuriating. But you know what? We survived it, and they are typical siblings now, annoying the heck out of each other but absolutely inseparable.

I agree with the previous poster: you can't deny physical affection as a punishment for acting out. Your first child is hurting right now - he feels betrayed and scared, and he needs you even more than he did before. I know this is hard to hear, but just at the moment that you want to be away from him and deny him attention, you need to give him more. This will be hard, but it will actually lessen the conflict. You can't tolerate him hurting his sibling; you need to keep the baby safe, but your first child really needs you right now too, and more than before.

Try to take care of yourself. I won't lie to you - the next few months will likely be very difficult (I actually went on an antidepressant two weeks after we adopted our son), but it WILL get better. I promise.

Feel free to PM me if you want. I feel for you, and believe me I know what you're going through.

Amanda

[Ruthla]

It's very easy, when having a new baby in the house, to suddenly have unrealistic expectation of the "big sibling". Your older child is only 3- he's still a baby himself in many ways.

Taking away books, toys, loveys, etc, is NOT going to have an impact. He's simply too young to make the cognotive connection between "aggressive behavior in the daytime" to "not having what I want hours later when I'm tired and need to be mothered to sleep." I question how well this approach works even for older kids and teens, but it most definitely does NOT work for preschoolers!

You also may be doing more harm than good by taking things away from him. What he probably sees is 'Mommy doesn't love me anymore- she likes the new baby better"- what you need to be doing now is giving him MORE reassurance, not taking away comfort items, and not taking away of yourself.

He's not old enough to truly comprehend that he's hurting another human being, nor can he possibly understand that he can cause serious harm to the baby by pushing him down the stairs. He doesn't know his own power. No amount of threats, removal of privledges, etc, is going to teach him how to be gentle to his new brother. That will only come with time.

You can't leave the two of them alone together for even a minute. Your responsibility is to keep both kids safe- and that means not giving the 3yo the opportunity to push the 1yo down the stairs. You probably won't be able to prevent ALL violence between them- but there isn't much danger if the 3yo slaps the 1yo (or the 1yo slaps the 3yo) with you right there to keep it from escalating.

[Mama_RJ]

Thanks everyone for giving me some perspective. I realized pretty quick that taking away his things was not effective, but I didn't know what would be, and I didn't realize that I could be doing more harm than good. I think I discovered something though... On the day DS1 was at his worst, all was well until mid-morning when he and I decorated Christmas cookies, then all $#% broke loose. We used red hots, red sprinkles, and red icing, and we tasted as we decorated. All of those things have red #40 in them. Even the vanilla frosting we used had red #40 in it before we added the red food coloring! What's up with that?! Anyway, last year his preschool teacher told me that her 5-year-old has an extreme sensitivity to foods with red dye; they make her meltdown and tantrum all day. I did some googling and while I couldn't find any studies, I found lots of anecdotal evidence from parents who are 100% convinced that their kids react negatively/severely to red #40. I bet DS1 has a similar reaction. I'm going dye-free for a few weeks, then will try it once to confirm my theory. The decorated cookies are all in the freezer (much to his disappointment), so I'll thaw a heavily sprinkled one for the trial.

That said, things have been pretty good here the past two days. DH was home yesterday, which helps a lot, but today I was solo with them and all was well. Extra doses of hugs and kisses throughout the day are very effective! Tonight DS1 told me that DH and I could take care of his new brother, but he didn't want us to be his brother's "mom" and "dad." Aw...

Amanda, thank you for sharing your story. My boys do the same - trying to push each other off my lap, one cries while the other is getting hugs - it's hard! I have had a few days that ended in tears (mine) and wondered if anti-depressants are needed. Then we have great days like today and I think "I can do this!" I'm not ruling it out though.

I really appreciate all the input!
maddiethecat

[Embee]

Just wanted to offer support and hugs, mama. The following is a link to an article that may help. I read anytime DS is letting me know in his own special way that he's unhappy, but in particular, the writer details a time when she was having a similar problem with her two youngest children. (It's deep into the article btw so keep reading... ).

http://www.naomialdort.com/articles4.html

The best to you and hang in there!

Em

[Polliwog]

I wanted to invite you to join us in the Adoptive and Foster Parenting forum on this site. I don't think I've seen you there. It's a great place for support.

(((Hugs.)))