Dd's unsolvable problems are driving me crazy

[widemouthedfrog]

My dd is just about 3.5, and she has a very active imagination and a "coordinating" streak that runs in the family. She is really testing out her power these days.

However, her current habit of creating unsolvable problems is driving me crazy. For example, this morning we are getting ready to go to preschool.

Dd: My doll needs to get dressed.
Me: Ok, her clothes are downstairs. Let's go get them.
Dd: No, she doesn't want those clothes.
Me: What clothes would she like?
Dd: Not those clothes.
Me: How about a play silk?
Dd: No, she doesn't like play silks.
Me: Well, I'm not sure what we should do. Your doll doesn't want the clothes downstairs but she needs to get dressed. What do you think we should do?
Dd: I don't know. She needs clothes.
Me: Maybe we could put these invisible clothes on her.
Dd: No.
On and on and on.

I sometimes leave it up to her, but she yells at me. I also offer to snuggle her. This scenario ended in yelling from both of us, crying, and a miserable start to the day.

Dd often creates problems that I can't solve, she can't solve, and we can't solve together. She says she doesn't want to snuggle and be upset about the problem.

What can I do to get out of these scenarios?
Dh says that I should simply set boundaries and state at the outset that the doll does not go to preschool.

[DBZ]

I think your DH is right. The doll doesn't go to preschool. Another thing you can try is to grab some doll clothes and bring them to the car. Buckle up your DD and drive off. When you get to preschool, your DD can go in but the doll stays in the car dressed or not. But maybe your DD is doing this because she doesn't want to go to preschool. That's a whole different issue. My DD goes to preschool and I have similiar probs getting her there, but for me and my DD preschool is optional. If it's too much hassle I am not going to put us through all that.

[tuppence]

I feel sortof bad for writing this out, but my 3.5 yr old does this all the time too and I've kindof lost patience with the whole thing. I usually just say something like, "wow, that's really sad" and then move on. I'll try to give a couple of options--your invisible spider could fly to find his family or we could carry him, for ex, but if there's whole list of issues that make the things unsolvable, then he just gets the "that's really sad" comment and then I'll either try to distract him or myself with something else.

I've been thinking it was a stage (hoping!) so hopefully, we'll be on to something else soon!

[WhaleinGaloshes]

My DD who is the same age does this. Her new phrase is "well, think about it" any time I fail to suggest something. It's cute and then quickly gets old.

I have no magic answer, my main strategy is to work to avoid trying to solve what isn't really the problem. The doll's clothes aren't the problem.

Usually, my DD feeling rushed is at least part of the problem, so I avoid rushing her within all reasonable limits and then acknowledge that we're going to have to rush once we really have to go. If it's the interaction she needs or if she's conflicted about preschool or some combination of all the crazy motivations and emotions of being three, I think trying to be mindful of them and verbalize them can help.

You'll never solve the issue with the doll's clothes (or any of the others like it that I'm sure come up throughout the day) and IMO what happens with the doll -- does she go or does she stay and is she dressed -- probably makes little difference.

[elizawill]

in the doll situation, i'd probably just say, "sounds like you and your doll have some talking to do. if i can help, please let me know". as for other circumstances, just help if you can & if you can't (or she won't let you) just keep it low key and let her know you're doing your best. that's all any of us can do, yk? we don't have to solve everything hugs.

[tiffani]

such fun!! this is one of the reasons why kids are just plain crazy from 3-5, and only slightly less crazy for another year or so... mine is mostly not crazy anymore, but still obsesses over certain things -- right now he has a pair of shoes that are at least 2 sizes too small, have big holes inside the heel where the blinky light activator fell out, are literally coming apart at the seams, and to top it off, we went for a hike and he stepped in a huge pile of sheep poop. I decided that cleaning the sheep poop off of these shoes was not worth the effort, and chucked them in the garbage. we, of course, had to rescue them from the garbage, and now they sit on the porch, waiting to be scrubbed (because the trip through the washing machine didn't work) and every single day we fight about which pair of his lovely NEW shoes he will wear. every day he cries about the old shoes, he loves them so much, he will wear them until he is a teenager, etc, etc. As I write this out (this is why MDC is so helpful!) I'm thinking that he's clinging to these shoes so tightly because we've just moved across the globe and everything he previously knew and loved was either given away or put into storage. My dh says he remembers feeling like inanimate objects had feelings when he was little, so, ya know, ds comes by it honestly I guess!

I agree that YOU can't fix the problems that come up, and you'll only end up smothering your darling child with a pillow if you try. Whenever possible, I'd try to get her to get ready to go waaaaaaaaaaaay before you need to leave, even the night before if it's going to be early in the morning, and even though she may come up with some other problem right before you walk out the door, it might help 50% of the time... can you decide with her on ONE outfit that dolly always wears to preschool? like her "school clothes"? I found that there are sometimes ways you can creatively reach a solution, and you should try that (not in the midst of the struggle) whenever possible, but also that when your dd is upset about these things, nothing you suggest will work. then you kind of have to just be an empathetic hard ass, unfortunately, because you will go around and around forever...

It was helpful for us when my son finally realized that we were on his side, and we were there to help him whenever we could, but when we're done talking about something, we're done. doesn't keep him from crying for an hour about his falling apart, too small, sheep poop shoes, though!

[Lazy Gardens]

Let her solve the problems herself ... she's playing a really great game of "Why don't you ... Yes But". (Read Berne's "Games People Play". It's great for dealing with toddlers)

Dd: My doll needs to get dressed.
Me: Ok, her clothes are downstairs.

Right her, she hooked you into her game. Your role is to offer solutions, hers is to shoot them down.

Alternative response:
Dd: My doll needs to get dressed.
Me: That's a good idea. Show me when you are finished dressing her.

You turn the choice right back to her and short circuit the game. Expect some unbhappy moments when you stop getting hooked into it.

Dh says that I should simply set boundaries and state at the outset that the doll does not go to preschool.

I agree.

[tiffani]

Lazy Gardens, that's a great response!

do other kids bring toys to preschool? if they do, I would let her take the doll to preschool, but I would try the "school clothes" thing, or getting the doll dressed well in advance, to avoid daily doll dressing issues... if it's not that big a deal to her, maybe the doll can stay home, but for me, I'd try to work a creative solution (not in the midst of the struggle, but during a calm time) rather than lay down a hard and fast rule that doesn't necessarily make a lot of sense to her if other kids are bringing similar things, and could lead to a massive power struggle over a doll, ykwim?

[widemouthedfrog]

I agree that the doll is not the issue. That was an example...many other examples, particularly with people who live in her pretend world. She has a lot of pretend relatives with strong opinions about things.

Other kids bring toys to preschool, but my rule is that the toy comes but it stays out of sight in her cubby. This is our general rule about toys she doesn't feel like sharing, even at home. Lately the doll has been coming everywhere. Other 3.5 year olds bring their real babies to things, she brings her pretend baby. That seems to be her deal.

I agree that she seems to be playing a testing game. I used to detach from those sorts of things fairly quickly with a similar response to many of you - "that sounds like something you and your doll need to work out" or after a while, "well, that sounds like a tough problem." I think that her imaginary world has become so real lately that I've been trying to take it a bit more seriously.

I suspect that feeling pushed and hurried is the problem. While preschool is always optional, she always wants to go...it's just that she isn't always ok with the process required to get to the bus stop on time. Unfortunately, I can't get her dressed the night before (she'd pee), but I may try getting her dressed immediately after she wakes up.

[WhaleinGaloshes]

Something that 'worked' on my daughter just a little while ago -- she was ramping up to unsolvable dilemma and I asked her "do you know what would help you?" She didn't at first have an answer, and then came up with one, but it seemed to short-circuit the process.

Sometimes I don't know what would help me, so it seemed in the moment like a reasonable question. I don't know, sometimes just something new disrupts the anxiety momentarily.

I think it will pass; for so many kids 3 is such an anxious time and it has been true for my daughter. All the unsolvable "I'm getting worked up because I can't figure something out" moments seem to be an expression of that.

[skreader]

One parent taught me a good "parent hack".

Ask her "What would make it OK?"

If she's feeling hurried, would everyone waking up 30 minutes earlier help?

Routine helps too. I'm so grateful that from nursery school onwards, the kids wore their school uniforms - so there was a whole realm of possible contention that was removed.

Try also following the same sequence of events every school day (for example: morning snuggle, breakfast, teeth brushing, washing face, getting dressed, etc.).

[widemouthedfrog]

Thank you to the two previous posters!

Yes! I think that is what I've been trying to do. She's creating a problem that I believe is real to her, though it arises out of a desire to have power over a situation that she doesn't control. The situation is one thing, and I'm working with her to try to find a solution to that so that she does feel like she controls it to a degree.

However, I think that I've also been reacting to her need to find a solution to things. It seems that she really, really does want to solve these problems, but she is getting very frustrated by the fact that she is not sure what will solve them. So then I get trapped in a guessing game of "will this help - NO! will that help - NO!"

Then again, she could be way more devious than that and be using them to test me/stymie me. From her language and her urgency I don't think that is totally the case, though. It's just a little mind-boggling when the debate rages about the needs of her imaginary sister. But since we talk about her sister all day, I know that her sister is just as real to her as I am. She tells me her brother is pretend, though .

[WhaleinGaloshes]

Originally Posted by widemouthedfrog

However, I think that I've also been reacting to her need to find a solution to things. It seems that she really, really does want to solve these problems, but she is getting very frustrated by the fact that she is not sure what will solve them. So then I get trapped in a guessing game of "will this help - NO! will that help - NO!"

I can easily believe that finding a solution, or feeling sure that she will be able to find a solution, is a need that your DD is expressing and seeking to meet. I see that in my DD.

Just guessing, but in my DD I also see a need to know that I'll stick with her until the solution is found. That was something I was thinking about in bed last night. What I do, sort of unconsciously, about this kind of need is to set aside time to let her be in control of when the interaction ends. Not every time, but often once or once in a while is enough to reassure her that we will figure this stuff out together.

I wonder if one afternoon when there's plenty of time you could try playing the "Oh...well the what if...?" game until she losses patience with it. The way if leaving the park was a problem you could take her to the park and wait her out and absolutely not leave until she said "I'm ready to go."

Once when my DD was younger she always wanted to push the buttons on the garage door and I could only stand and let her do it once or twice, so one day I took a step stool out there and let her push until she didn't want to push anymore, and after that pushing once was enough for her. I wonder if that kind of strategy would help this behavior...I think it accomplishes a few things but mostly serves as reassurance that the two of you are in this thing together, and that there is time for her to be completely heard. Just a thought.

[bscal]

Originally Posted by Lazy Gardens

Alternative response:
Dd: My doll needs to get dressed.
Me: That's a good idea. Show me when you are finished dressing her.

You turn the choice right back to her and short circuit the game. Expect some unhappy moments when you stop getting hooked into it.

:

Great advice! This is a BIG problem in our household too and this is such an excellent solution. My just turned 6 yr old DD and my 3 yr old DD get WAY too wrapped up in "let's pretend" and sometimes come up with some crazy stuff. It sometimes gets too frustrating for me when I just cannot figure out what the invisible friends want for their invisible snack. Then I type it out like that and wonder when the men with the white coats are coming to take my to my nice padded cell.

Actually, I'm thinking this exact response will work when my 3 yr old wants to get dressed in the morning but doesn't like any of my suggestions. When she says "I want to get dressed." then I can respond "Great idea! Show me when you're done."

Interesting thread.

Beth

[mamazee]

I agree with PPs. I don't volunteer to solve problems. It's really probably good for my dd to solve problems herself when possible anyway. So often I'll say something like, "Oh, that's a good idea. Why don't you go ahead and do that." If it doesn't work and it's apparent she needs my help, I'll ask her if she needs my help and how she wants me to help her.