How do I help Hubby grieve abusive father?

[melissabb]

My FIL passed away last week. It is like my hubby and I are living in a parallel universe to everyone else. FIL was not a particularily nice person. He was manipulative, took advantage, was verbally and psychologically abusive to both his kids and his wife. He cycled through friends who eventually just go fed up with his behaviour.

Anyway, during all of the grieving, visitations, funeral etc we are just stupified that everyone , hubby's mom and siblings included, are talking about him like he was a saint. My hubby is angry because he feels like he is being attacked by them because he just refuses to lie about who his father was. Everyone else just thinks my hubby (and I) are being asses.

I was so sad one night last week when I aske my hubby what he was feeling. I nearly cried when he said that his dads death has given him a tremendous feeling of freedom. Wow, is all I can say to that.

I know that in time the flood gates will open but it is very hard for hubby to grieve for someone you are so angry with right now. I honestly think he is not grieving his dad because he is angry to have come to the realization that he was cheated out of having a normal dad-son relationship.

On top of this is working through the grief of my children. If there is one positive thing I can say about my FIL is that for whatever reason he was really fantastic with the grandkids. So, my kids see him in such a positive light and I want to respect their reality of who he was.

It's just so hard to be genuine to hubby's feelings (and my own) yet be kind to the feelings of others. KWIM? It makes for a very stressful time.

How do I help him? I don't want him to go through the rest of his life angry or worse, repressing feelings of animosity or sadness etc. But I also don't want to push or do harm.

To complicate it even further my hubby gave my FIL a kidney about 12 years ago. He did this, I imagine, out of love for his father. He wanted to keep him around. But, I think hubby feels that is was all for nothing. He has never said this to me or used the kidney against my FIL. He has never mentioned it. But in the eulogy he read at the funeral he said "part of me has died with him". Hubby is such a literal person that I assume he is referring to the kidney.

Ugh....I am just so confused and sad for hubby.

Also, since his passing we have found some disturbing things like secret bank accounts, correspondence with an old flame etc etc. We are not sure how to approach this. It also just adds fuel to the fire in hubby's opinion of his father. He already thought he was an ass and just when he decides to try to focus on the positive something else comes up that just affirms who his father really was.

I am hoping someone out here on MDC can give me some much needed guidance. I hurt because hubby hurts and I want him to heal.

[laoxinat]

I love the book "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. She does a wonderful process called The Work, in which we get to say all the things we wish another person would do (or have done), how they shoud have been, and then to learn from their lives how we can live better ourselves. It's pretty awesome. Sorry for your loss, even tho FIL was a stinker. It's sometimes almost harder when there aren't even happy memories, KWIM?

[melissabb]

Originally Posted by laoxinat

I love the book "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. She does a wonderful process called The Work, in which we get to say all the things we wish another person would do (or have done), how they shoud have been, and then to learn from their lives how we can live better ourselves.

Oh my goodness. I actually HAVE that book but haven't read it in a few years now. THANKS! I'll go pull it off the shelf and take a look at it again.

[carfreemama]

I must say, I went through this with my dad 16 years ago and even I spoke somewhat nicely about him on this ver forum!

My initial advice is keep speaking your truth. It is early times yet and most people cannot do anything but speak glowingly about someone who has died.

Over the years since my father's death, I have found that my own willingness not to let my father "off the hook" for his behaviour has actually helped other family members and friends come to grips with their own histories with him. Again, he was not all bad; but there was enough scary stuff there to leave me pretty aelienated with him by the end. One thing to keep in mind, too, is that lots of people DO repress memories. One sister and I share a very specific experience of my father's abuse. I mentioned it to her years later, just assuming she would remember. She flew into a rage, accusing me of "always hating my father" and literally then running away from me. It dawned on me then that she really didn't remember and made me wonder what else she had "forgotten." It explained so much to me about why she was able to express such remorse over his death, but it was something I discovered by accident.

One of the best things anyone did at the time was give me permission NOT to grieve. These friends picked me up for an out-of-town visit with them after the funeral, stopped by the liquor (and other) stores, gave me unlimited access to their gaming system (something I never do and have a secret lust for) and said "Now. Grieve if you want to, but your father was a *&$^)* and we all know it." And that's when I DID grieve. It is SO much harder, IMO, under these circumstances. I cannot tell you how many people, when told about his death, asked me the question "were you close?" It's a question, BTW, I have learned NEVER to ask someone who tells me they have lost someone.

Over the years, I have thought about my dad off and on and sometimes I do wonder why I don't feel more for him. I can't ever resolve the things that happened or how I feel about them. Do I love him? I don't know. But I told him I did the last time I talked to him and I really meant it. I was glad I was able to end things like that.