MIL doesn't have long - how can I help DH?

[Snow Cherries]

My mother-in-law is very sick and her Dr. has let us know that she does not believe MIL will survive the "downturn" she's taken in the past few weeks. She feels that she probably has at least several weeks left, maybe even longer. But overall she will not really improve, and will only get worse from here on out.

(Brief background - she was diagnosed with very advanced Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension about 2.5 years ago and had a full heart and double lung transplant about 1.5 years ago. She did really well for about a year after her transplant, but took a down turn this past September and has been in and out of the hospital ever since. We really thought she would have more time after the transplant - we were hoping for at least 3-5 good years. She's only 60.)

DH is only 27 and never thought he'd lose a parent so young. We just had our second child two weeks ago and work is super stressful for DH right now. He could only take 4 days off after the baby was born and it's difficult for him to find time to visit with his mom with everything else that is going on. He's expressed to me that it will almost be a relief when his mom dies because it's been so up and down over the past few months (there have been several "this is it, say goodbye to mom" moments - especially since early November), and it's so hard for him to see her so sick. While I'm sure this will be true for him in part, I know it's still going to devestate him when the time comes.

I feel really helpless to help him through these possibly last weeks or months of his mom's life as well as her eventual death. I've not yet lost anyone very close to me so I don't have any personal experience to draw from. I can try to imagine, but I don't think it's really possible to imagine someone elses grief.

Also, he just isn't dealing with her illness like I would if it were my mom so it's hard for me to understand his feelings. If it were my mom, I'm the type that would be at the hospital every day. He's only been to see his mom maybe 6 times since September. She is asleep or unconscious a LOT. She's on a lot of medications that make her sleepy. And he does speak with his dad and sisters often to get updates on her condition. But I still find it odd that he goes to see her so little. I feel like he's avoiding the whole thing. I don't know if that will make dealing with her eventual death easier or harder. Should I push harder for him to visit her more often? Or is it just ok that he's dealing with it differently than I would? I just don't want him to regret not spending more time with her while he has the chance.

So I'm just wondering if anyone here has any advice. I just want to do anything and everything I can to support him and make his life easier as he deals with everything that is going on with his mom. I don't want to go on with life as usual and overwhelm him or seem insensitive but I also don't want to be so sensitve to his feelings that he feels like he's under a microscope.

What can I do?

[carfreemama]

Hi Snow Cherries:

I tried to respond earlier, but there was a database error.

Just wanted to say that this is going to be hard, no matter what you do or don't do; so don't put the burden on yourself to somehow make it "easier." Your love for your dh shows up here, in an e-mail with strangers; so believe me, your dh will feel it. That is the single most important thing.

I have lost 2 family members in the kind of way you describe. My father died when I was 24 of complications from MS and my sister just died of Huntington disease. Both were very drawn-out, awful diseases to experience.

I recognize very well the "say goodbye" moments that never come and they do numb you to death, somehow. It doesn't make the grief or the impending loss easier; but for me, at least, it intensified any feelings of denial I already had. Once, I was called out of my university class 3 hours away, by the Dean, to tell me to go home immediately. My father lived almost 2 years after that. It's hard to know how to deal with that. You get used to it somehow.

I also remember the vigil-type visits with a largely unconscious and unresponsive person. I didn't visit as much as I probably "should" have, either; but I don't have regrets. I don't feel like I needed to be there more than I was. Mostly I spent time with the person who was closest to them; like my mom or my sister's husband. Unless you're the type to be able to sit at bedside knitting or doing crossword puzzles, it's really tough to just sit in a hospital room. I was never that good at it. What DID matter was that, when the end finally came, I had said "I love you" and "goodbye" as close to the death as possible. In both cases, I was able to speak to my loved one the day before they died. With my father, my mom told me he couldn't talk, but that he smiled. With my sister, we had a good, clear conversation. After all the months and years on alert, those few moments were the ones that mattered most.

One of the best things my dh did for me with this most recent death was tell me to just go get a coffee and collect my thoughts. To do whatever I wanted. He didn't specify anything about my sister; just gave me freedom to be preoccupied and sad. This was a real gift, considering Christmas is coming up, we both work full-time and there is precious little free time. I suspect those are issues for you, too, with a new baby. That's tough timing! So anything you can do to reassure your dh that it's okay, time-and-energy-wise, to visit his mother (or not), would probably be really appreciated.

It's just plain hard losing a parent, especially when you're young. Neither of you will ever be the same, but you'll be okay.