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Originally Posted by JayGee  DH and I have had it. Our children have become disrespectful and bratty. They expect to be catered to and refuse to help out.
Some examples:
~ DD1 frequently says things like "Mama! Bring me a water!" And if the water isn't brought to her immediately she's say, with attitude, "I TOLD YOU to bring me a water!"
~ DS and DD1 completely ignore any requests from me to clean up or put away their toys or even close their dresser drawers or put up their shoes
~ Both DDs will not eat. DD1 plays this irritating game where she asks for something, I make it for her, then she says she doesn't want it and asks for something else. Repeat...
I can trace their behavior problems to a couple of things:
1) Not enough sleep. Neither DD naps and they tend to go to bed too late and wake too early. I need to get them to bed earlier.
2) They've been watching too many DVDs  :. We were TV free all summer, but I relapsed with the cold weather by allowing them DVDs. This is entirely my fault.
3) They don't eat enough, even though I provide healthy snacks. Both DDs are VERY picky.
So what else can I do to improve their behavior? Tonight DD1 refused to eat a single bite at dinner, asked for 3 different plates, slid her chair far across the room to be away from the table, threw her chair at DH  , and bit herself hard on the arm out of anger. It's gone too far. |
To me, those aren't disrespectful or bratty.
DS does some of those things sometimes, and although it 'triggers' hubby to want to DO something (he was raised in a household with adults who hit), we've worked our way into being calm.
The demands for food or drink are simply countered with our need to have it said a bit better. I totally agree with what a PP said about the language needing to be more simple...so water please is a good variation of just WATER!
Not cleaning...I make it a game. A race. Who can put more legos into the bucket? I go slow, but my hand is bigger so a scoop for me is more than it is for DS. So DS is racing around grabbing the legos while I go leisurely and it all gets put away. Sometimes I "win", sometimes he does, but it ends in hugs and laughter and good feelings.
Eating. I always ate what was put in front of me. I was the oldest and my brother's nonsense with food made me nutty even at a young age. I remember eating his potatoes after AGES of sitting there, just so it would stop. I have food allergies and sensitivities, and my pregnancy was filled with more hardcore aversions to foods than cravings. I cried routinely throughout b/c the look, smell, taste or even texture, or even PERCEIVED texture of the food would make it absolutely intolerable.
My full sib and our three half sibs, all renowned food avoiders, seemed to protect themselves from the bad foods. They do NOT have allergies, sensitivities (except the full brother who can't be in a HOUSE with citrus being peeled or he starts sneezing no matter where he is, immediately after the citrus is peeled), or problems with food.
So the one who did not protect herself and who ate whatever was given to her to keep the peace has problems, and the ones who refused foods that seemed gross to them do not.
Needless to say, we do not ever force DS to eat something if he doesn't want to. I see a very strong cause and effect in the food behaviour in me and my sibs, and I do NOT want DS to have the same problem.
Therefore, sometimes he doesn't eat and sometimes he does. We try to never have a battleground at the table. It makes me sad, angry, and very very uncomfortable when it starts getting like that, and ultimately I have decided to BELIEVE my son when he wants to avoid something.
You mentioned in a later post that your daughter fell asleep VERY fast. That sort of stuff at the table is nearly ALWAYS a sign in our household that extreme sleepiness is at hand. So it's not a problem with her, but a problem in that her sleepiness wasn't noticed earlier. Especially the biting, oh especially the biting.
Also for us, there was biting before we discovered that DS can't have corn syrup in any way, shape, or form. After we finally figured that out, after he pretty much beat me up at a festival 20 minutes post-DumDum lollipop, he has been much more peaceful, though he will still act out (without biting) when over-tired.
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Originally Posted by Sophienaz You could see his ribs through his t-shirt, he was so skinny, and his eyes had dark circles underneath them, it drove me crazy but it also freaked me out.
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Dark circles under eyes is often a sign of allergy. Dairy, especially. I can't give up dairy entirely, but when I have gone vegan in the past, my dark circles disappear altogether. As a child when eggs and dairy were our main protein source, despite my being allergic (runny nose) to eggs, I had enormous circles under my eyes b/c of the dairy.
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Originally Posted by JayGee And here's where the problem comes in. I don't have good consequences. I grew up in a home where I would have gotten my mouth smacked for talking disrespectfully, and that's not an option here. DH grew up in a home where they were threatened with a switch if they misbehaved. Also not an option. It's like I'm frozen when these things happen. Basically, I'm ashamed to admit, I do nothing other than seethe.
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Since you aren't going to react to these things like the parents did, you really might think of redefining those behaviours. Like I said, they aren't bratty or disrespectful in my head at all. Perfect? No. Something to strive for? Oh gosh no. But still, not the words you've described them as, not to us.
And once you don't see them in that way anymore, you can more easily respond positively to them, helping them find a different way of speaking, creating fun ways to clean up (or yes, put the THINGS into "time out", LOL, if they aren't being put away at all), noticing exhaustion earlier, and maybe respecting their food needs OR figuring out what they are really looking for.
With the food changes...I do sometimes reach my limit if he's asking for a variety of foods...just b/c he asks doesn't mean I always make it...I do make different things more often than hubby does sometimes, and other times he makes more (DS is in a growth spurt and required a grilled cheese sandwich at 11 o'clock last night, which he ate inside of 2 minutes, brushed teeth again, then fell asleep), but usually we can somehow find a compromise with DS, or just go with the PB&J and be done with it.
Good luck!
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