Toddler will go to sleep for everyone but me - LONG

[hollydlr]

I posted this problem a while back in the sleep section and a)didn't get a lot of responses and b)it hasn't gotten any better. So, I'll love to hear what you folks think.

My almost-18-m.o. DS will go to sleep easily (in like 3 minutes) for naps and bedtime for basically anyone else on the planet except me. Grandma, Grandpa, well-known babysitters, new babysitters, DH, but NEVER me. Of course, I am the one who takes care of him all day. We have gotten around the bedtime issue by having DH always be the one who puts him down, but if DH ever has to be gone he just ends up staying up very late and eventually passing out. Naptime is the biggest problem though. He has a pretty consistent nap time and I do try to follow his usual routine which includes lunch, new diaper, music, nursing and rocking/walking/swaying. But he just won't settle down, keeps getting up, jumps around, if I try to force him to lay down it turns into this huge horrible battle where I don't let him get up and he screams for hours until I do. He used to at least fall asleep after a while but the last couple times it came to that, he must have cried for at least an hour before I finally gave up, and he still never slept. My DH comes home at 3:45 and gets him down in seconds if I haven't yet. Pretty much the only time he sleeps for me is if he falls asleep in the car, in which case, I get a book and sit in the car in the driveway with him, because I can't transfer him into the house without him waking up. I have decided it is not worth the fighting, so I try all the usual things that work for everyone else and when they inevitably don't work for me, I just give up before it turns nasty.

My DH thinks the breastfeeding is the problem. He suggests weaning completely, which I then remind him is a ridiculous idea as DS still nurses at least 6-8 times a day... He suggested taking nursing out of the routine, which I have so far tried at least nursing in a different location, not in bed anymore. Its not making a difference. I don't think its the problem anyway because its not like he's stalling by asking to nurse.

I almost feel like this is some sort of discipline issue between us. Generally I think I am a pretty laid back parent, I let him basically be in control of everything he can be short of safety issues. I am immediate and consistent when I need to reinforce a limit. However, he is a very persistent kind of a kid and is always checking to see if what I said "no" about last time is still "no" (for example, climbing on his table or getting into the dog's water bowl...) I really can't put my finger on why he would be acting this way about going to sleep. Usually he just gets all wound up and silly-acting for me, when for other people he lays his head right down on their shoulder and closes his eyes. I really would love to figure this out so he could have a consistent sleep schedule, because it has nothing to do with him being tired or not...he IS tired and will even ask me to go to sleep, but then just won't settle for me... TIA!!!

[mamazee]

It sounds to me like he wants to nurse to sleep and he knows that is a possibility with you. Is there a reason why you stopped nursing him to sleep? That's actually the last nursing session my daughter gave up - there was a period of a few months where she only nursed to sleep and wasn't interested any other time.

[hollydlr]

Well I would nurse him to sleep if he would go to sleep! Usually he will nurse for a long time but not fall asleep and eventually he will be done and get up and mess around some more! Occasionally if he is really tired he will fall asleep nursing, but then I can't get my boob out of his mouth without him having a fit and waking up. That is only during naps - at night if he cries I nurse him and he falls back asleep and lets go of me... He has never been much for falling asleep at the breast - I know, he's weird... How I wish he would!! That would be so easy!!

I am really the only person whose child does this?

[christy005]

No, you are not the only one!! My son is 24 months, and I am no longer nursing, and haven't for some time now. So I am in a similar boat. I cannot figure it out either.

[abitofcrunchmama]

I know this might sound totally insane, but have you tried to just not worry about the napping.

I have found that when i push the napping, DS will do the crazy nursing for an hour and then run around. It becomes a power struggle. While I loathe the no napping days (because i'm a SAHM and frankly need the down time), i can't handle the hysterics that go along with napping. I figure all i can do is set up the optimal situation for napping. So, i make sure we are home around his nap time, he is feed, etc. If he naps, great. But when he doesn't nap, we will just do something really mellow, like read a book or even listen to music. Sometimes, i'll take him for a walk in the stroller or the Ergo.

Just a thought...

[fritz]

I'm not in a similar situation--I'm in charge of sleep time, so I'm always the one who gets DS to nap/sleep. However, my 3.5yo DS has always been a less than stellar sleeper. When he was younger, it was common to have to pace back and forth with him for up to half an hour before he'd finally let go enough to pass out. Or sometimes he'd pass out in the sling if we were outside on a walk. But he always would finally go to sleep either in my arms or at the breast (probably until 2.5yo).

As he started weaning himself, though, the breast was no longer the surefire solution. Walking still worked, and sometimes it'd only take 10 minutes. Then around 3 years old, he started randomly skipping some naps. I was putting a ton of energy into expecting naps, getting upset when they didn't happen, and wishing he'd just go to sleep already. I was super cranky and not fun to be around at all. My DS fed off my emotions, so for a month or two, almost every day, we'd end up in an ugly dynamic of my spiraling frustration and fatigue, which culminated in his acting out, my yelling at him, and his crying. Then he'd let me pick him up and walk him to sleep. Although I liked the end result, I hated how we ended up there. I can't make him nap if he's not willing to sleep.

I finally realized that making us miserable just to get him to nap wasn't worth it. I let it go. Now, when I feel tired, I tell him I'm going to take a nap (and if he wants to join me, great, but usually he doesn't, or he'll wait until I'm almost ready to get up to come into bed to pass out), and I lay down. I don't expect to actually get much sleeping done; just rest. Because my son will almost always come in to play (relatively quietly) on the bed while I nap. Our house is toddler proofed, and I trust him not to try to go outside without me, so he's safe while I'm resting. We're both so much happier now; I can't believe it took me so long so see it was my problem, not his. He doesn't really get cranky when he skips a nap--he'll look tired, but his behavior is fine; mine wasn't, though!

I realize your son is still pretty young, so this might not work for you; however, you might try not fighting it, and just wait for DH to get him to nap after he gets home (if it doesn't totally ruin the rest of the schedule). Or, like abitofcrunchmama, try doing calm, quiet activities for a while instead of naps to see how that works for you and your son.

[hollydlr]

Thanks for your comments, everyone! Its funny, because this has been going on for I'd say at least 3 months now, though DS has always needed a lot of help going to sleep - its just that now nothing I can think of is working! At first I tried every desperate thing to get him to go to sleep. But for the last maybe 6-8 weeks I have just let it go...I do not take him to go for a nap at a predetermined time, but rather, I wait for him to tell me he's tired. I generally get him out of the house for some physical activity in the morning, thinking that would help if he was good and tired. Sometimes he's acting tired so I ask him, but other times, he will come to me and make the sign for "bed." If I ask him does he want to go to sleep, he will run into his room and lay down on his bed (mattress on the floor)! All this is usually preceded by an increase in nursing, a decrease in independent play, and also often an increase in whining. When DH is home or a grandparent is visiting, one of them can take him up and get him to sleep very easily. If its me, I get him ready, new diaper, soft music, etc., and then lay down with him to nurse. At which point he will usually nurse for a while and then spring up and jump on the bed, or crawl all over me, or get out of bed, or sometimes he will climb in my lap like he wants to be held. So sometimes I will try holding him and walking around (like his dad and grandparents do) but he will not lay his head down. I have tried the mei tai, nursing while walking, shushing, bouncing, patting, singing, etc. Now if I am getting resistance I just quit trying and we go back down to the playroom, where he continues to act tired, whiny, and grouchy. I do my best to keep my cool through all of this and I think I do a pretty good job not getting upset now that I've decided its up to him whether he sleeps. So at intervals I will ask him if he's tired and repeat cycle all afternoon until daddy gets home, and gets him to sleep in seconds. But by then its so late that it screws up bedtime and he doesn't sleep well all night...so we get into that vicious-everyones-exhausted-cycle.

I guess I feel that he has a need he is expressing to me that is not being met, but I am not sure why what I am doing isn't helping him. I try to do everything the same way his dad, grandma, etc. do, the only difference is that I can nurse him too. Now when they are around, I will nurse him before they go in to finish the job, so its not even really that different. Its just so weird! I wish I could figure it out! At this point my best solution is the nap in the car on the driveway...which really burns a lot of gas because I have to keep the car on to keep it warm in there...and talk about carbon-footprint...

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by hollydlr

At this point my best solution is the nap in the car on the driveway...which really burns a lot of gas because I have to keep the car on to keep it warm in there...and talk about carbon-footprint...

Perhaps you could combine it with drive-through errands of some sort?

[fritz]

Maybe you're just too much fun! =) Really, that's the only thing I can think of to explain why your son won't give it up when you're trying to soothe him to sleep. He just associates you with doing interesting things/playing.

It sounds like you're doing everything right...but if nothing's working, can you try shifting his schedule to be later? Try to work with the later naptime (waiting until DH gets him to sleep), so push bedtime back (you might have luck with gradually pushing it back by 15 minutes every night, or you might need to try bigger chunks if it works for your son) until you've got a schedule that gets him the sleep he needs. Don't know if that will fly with you/your DH, but it's worth considering.

My DS is naturally a night owl, so if he'd take a nap every day by 4, I'd be happy with that. DH is a night owl too, but he actually has to get up in the morning to go to work. Sometimes DH has to wake us up before he leaves (b/c DS gets upset if he does't get hugs and kisses before DH goes to work) b/c DS is sleeping in after staying up late (for a while midnight to 1am was DS's natural bedtime). Every so often, we try to tweak DS's schedule so he gets to bed by 11pm...which works for a night or two, then his body resets to a later bedtime. On those days that he skips a nap, he usually goes to sleep early (9 or 10pm) and as a result, sleeps poorly that night (which is why I feel so triumphant when he does nap...b/c odds are that he'll sleep better at night).

[Tsubaki]

I feel your pain!

I can't offer much in the way of help but I can tell you that my son (14 mo) is the same way. He goes to sleep much more readily for his dad, and when it's just the two of us, I sometimes really struggle to get him to nap (lots of walking around in the ergo) and sometimes can't do it at all.

In part I think this is because his dad has a higher threshold for crying and will hang in there and make sure DS goes to sleep when exhausted even if there is crying, whereas I'm more likely to give up and just deal with an exhausted, cantankerous child.

But I think that another part of it just has to do with the fact that we're the mamas. You often hear mamas lament that their kids behave better for everyone else but them. I think it relates to how the closer you are to someone, the more unvarnished they are with you. Maybe that's sexist and your son is just as close to your husband as he is to you, but for me at least, it feels like with the breastfeeding, etc, there's no avoiding the fact that your baby is still closer to the mother at this age.