Reconciling bitter feelings and loss

[`guest`]

Briefly; my husband lost his mother last year after a long drawn out illness. His sister who is a vy controlling person came in and took everything. She took almost all of the money (we could take her to court for that but are trying to be bigger people than that) and in addition, and more telling, would not let him have some of the ashes so he could do his own thing. She had a ceremony and when he didn't want to come (it was all about her, she didn't include him at all or even attempt to) she took them.
At a year now since his mom's passing, with all the stress we've been through (him, but believe me, me too!) how do we let go of the anger and the pain of what she did? I try to say be a bigger person...and realize someone who would basically steal from her ONLY relative then cut us off is just someone you don't want to have in your life (we tried many times to work this out.)
Is there a book or help out there? I am watching my husband in pain because of what she did and realize that there is a very unhealthy dynamic there...maybe these things just take time and focus on our healthy and pretty darn happy lives...

[50ftQueenie]

I'm so sorry for your's and your husband's loss. While I was pregnant with my son, DH's stepfather passed away very suddenly. His biological family, who had very little to do with him while he was living, appeared from out of state and took the body (back to their state, completely disregarding sFIL's burial wishes) and all of his things from his apartment. They even tried to take a car that FIL owned with MIL (although they did not live together at the time). She was able to produce a title, and they grudgingly had to give up the car. We were not invited to any kind of memorial, ceremony, burial.

Ultimately, our only comfort has been that they got the material things, but we had the relationship with him. We have the memories, and nothing can change that.

We offered, but left it up to my MIL ultimately, to have our own kind of memorial for sFIL. My own mother works in a funeral home, and she says families often will use the funeral parlor for memorials without the body of the deceased being there. They put up pictures, have music, prayers, whatever they need to feel that they have honored the person.

In my husband's culture, they also have a huge memorial a year after the person's death. Perhaps this would be a good thing for your DH. There are several culturally-specific ceremonies involved, but you could do whatever is appropriate for your family.

My own way of dealing with it was to decide that if we had a son (and we did) that he would be named after sFIL. If you aren't planning anymore children, perhaps you could do something in your MIL's name? You mentioned she had a long illness- is there a charity or a hospice organization you could give to in honor of her.

Reading back over my post, I think the important thing is to do what DH needs to do to honor his mom. To heck with the sister. What she did hurt, but it's the relationship with DH's mother that is the important thing.

[`guest`]

Thanks for the thoughtful and kind reply...one of the probs is because his mom was reduced mentally due to the illness, the sis kind of took her brain over the last yr if that makes sense; an example, she used phrases, etc. that the sister used. She also made the sister the executor of the will and put the sister's husband (not her son, my husband) as the second executor if anything happened to the sister. This would be the grounds of undue influence, etc. Before this he got along with his mom great, in fact she didn't really like her daughter as she told me...then she got sick and sister (call her A.S) came in and took over...
In the end, it is best to take the high road in these things, from what I hear, A.S' life is pretty miserable and so I guess it all works out...not that I'm happy her life is miserable! But what else would it be when you are so mean! What comes around goes around and all that.
Healing just takes time from loss, but when it's compounded by someone acting badly in such a time of vulnerablility, it makes things even more challenging. I've heard this before but can't believe it happened in a way! Amazing how people can be so mean to each other.

[`guest`]

Moving on is sooo good! Venting is just a step in letting go, which is happening. It's amazing how once you voice something the energy is released, and things shift. This forum and pms I have gotten are so validating. I am soooo thankful that I posted! Thanks.