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Toddler doesn't want to leave...

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 
...anywhere. DS (~3yo) never wants to leave anyplace we go. Granny's, church, grocery store, park, friend's houses, walk around the block. I have a newborn and can't physically pick up DS to put him in his car seat. Our unsatisfactory solutions so far are: not leaving the house, only going places with DH in tow, & bribing wth Tootsie Rolls. When he's on the front porch screaming and hitting and the neighbors are watching I very calmly threaten him with time out if he doesn't get inside by the time I count to three. I feel very dippointed with myself right now.

:

TIA for any and all suggestions!
post #2 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by rockportmama View Post
...anywhere. DS (~3yo) never wants to leave anyplace we go. Granny's, church, grocery store, park, friend's houses, walk around the block. I have a newborn and can't physically pick up DS to put him in his car seat.

:

TIA for any and all suggestions!

Do you give him a warning before it's time to go? Like, "DC, we will leave in 5 minutes" then again at 2 minutes, etc.

I would then matter-of-factly take child by the hand and try to leave calmly. Since the kids were used to me taking them gently by the hand, this often worked OK.

Sometimes I also used to give the kids the reminder "If you can't leave nicely, then we will not... [go to park/ playground/ wherever...] tomorrow. Then remember to follow through.

As for the "pick up screaming refusing toddler and carrying away". BTDT. It sucks, but you do what you have to do.

Can you have s.o. [granny, a church friend, etc.] else hold the new baby for you while you pick up the three year-old and put him in the car seat & have them follow you to the car w/ the baby?
post #3 of 14
Mae leaving fun.
We leave the park playing follow the leader or pretending we are in a parade. does he have a favorite song or CD he can listen to in the car? you could say, "come on let's go listen to____"
Let's be bees buzzing to our hive.
Let's be trucks looking for our gargage
post #4 of 14
When we would go somewhere (like the play area at McDonalds for example) my mother would tell us before we left the car "I'm going to tell you when it's almost time to leave (5mins or so) and if you fight me when I tell you we're leaving we won't come back."

So, she would find us and say, "We're getting ready to go. We're leaving in 5mins" and 5mins later she would tell us it was time to leave. If we whined and/or put up a fight we wouldn't go back for sometime. The next time we asked she would say, "No, you remember our deal last time. We agreed that you would leave when I said without whining and you didn't stand by that."

Honestly, it worked. Put some of the control in his corner. That way, if you don't go back or something it's no one's fault but his own. Maybe if "not going back" isn't an option tell him "If you whine you won't get [insert something he likes] tonight" (a special dessert, tv show, game, toy) and hold to that Remind him later that was the deal.
post #5 of 14
I am having the same issues, and my son is going to be 2 in a week and a half.

When its time to go and I have to put his coat on him, he somehow slips out of it. Either I take his hand when we are walking out or runs into the grass and then I have to chase him. I am so scared he will run into the road instead. So, I take his hand and he pulls/fall down. I don't let go of him and then you can hear or feel the arm/shoulder thing. But if I let him go to the ground then I am practically dragging him to the car. I hate it!

He's only 2! How do you reason with a 2 year old?
post #6 of 14
Agreed on the warnings. With DD we tell her "say bye-bye" and she gets a 5 minute and a 1-minute warning, then is told "last time to do x."
post #7 of 14
My problem with timed warnings is that kids have no sense of time. 5 minutes is so arbitrary in thier world.
If you want to give warnings it should be more concrete like; "One more time down the slide"
Or something..we never did timed warnings b/c it made no sense and did not give my kids a sense of control.
I might say, "when I have all the stuff packed up its' time to go"
Or go say good bye to your friends toys whatever or even just finish the last game (for my older one)
If you make leaving fun then the games just continue and threats and power struggles dissipate for the most part.
I try very hard not to threaten my kids as much as possible. I will explain and empathize but saying, "we can't come back" seems mean and unrealistic. Are you really not going to go back to the park, grandma's, a friends?
Help them with their coat and say things like, You were having fun" "it's hard to leave when when we were having a good time" "I understand you seem upset" Instead of, "I said it is time to go and now we wont come back b/c you are being difficult"
Allow them to be upset. but being upset does not change the fact that you have to go.
post #8 of 14
DD is 3 and here's what works for us (I do a variety of things):

~10 and 5 minute warnings (I sometimes show her on my watch that when the long hand gets on xyz number, it is time to go). After the warnings, I say something like, "Okay, we've got 5 minutes left. You can do one last thing. What would you like to do?"
~Sometimes it helps if she can pick out a toy or something to borrow from grandma's house to take home
~Sometimes I make up a story and say, "Let's pretend we're bees looking for honey. Let's buzz to the car."
~I say, "Let's have a race to the car. Do you think I'm going to win?"
~I tell her something really fun that we're going to do at home.

These don't always work perfectly, and in my experience, it's important to allow lots of time no matter what because to get a happy toddler out of any place (and to have them remain happy) you have to plan for lots of extra time.
post #9 of 14
I posted a very similar thread awhile back...

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=992121

seemed to be a phase for dd...she has been much better about leaving...I especially liked the suggestion I got to always try and make "leaving" into "going somewhere"...

good luck...it's tough!
post #10 of 14
Be very wary of using rewards and punishments always. Bribing is a dangerous idea for a hundred reasons.

Two year olds are often caught in a very frustrating place of wanting to be independent and not be capable of it. I remember one very verbal two year old saying in the middle of a tantrum: " I don't want your help. I need your help."

Try to give them as much independence as you can. Practice "leaving" at a neutral moment, i.e. when you're not going any where. Teach him to do up his own coat. Teach him to do up his own car seat. To do up the babies car seat.

And be prepared to take more time. Kids that age don't have any sense of time, and they will take forever. But if it's the difference between you dragging him to the car kicking and screaming, and him walking on his own, go ahead and leave yourself 20 minutes.

Endless time. Endless patience. Childhood is brief enough-don't rush.
post #11 of 14
Thread Starter 
Thanks for all the ideas!
post #12 of 14
subbing, i have the same very frustrating problem.
post #13 of 14
Could you remind me why rewards and punishments are bad (i.e. if we can't leave the park nicely today I'm not going to be able to take you tomorrow)? I knew this at one time, but now that I have a very independent 2.5 year old, I seem to be using these sorts of approaches almost every day.

Help a momma out!

Mandy

Quote:
Originally Posted by TexasTomboy View Post
Be very wary of using rewards and punishments always. Bribing is a dangerous idea for a hundred reasons.

Two year olds are often caught in a very frustrating place of wanting to be independent and not be capable of it. I remember one very verbal two year old saying in the middle of a tantrum: " I don't want your help. I need your help."

Try to give them as much independence as you can. Practice "leaving" at a neutral moment, i.e. when you're not going any where. Teach him to do up his own coat. Teach him to do up his own car seat. To do up the babies car seat.

And be prepared to take more time. Kids that age don't have any sense of time, and they will take forever. But if it's the difference between you dragging him to the car kicking and screaming, and him walking on his own, go ahead and leave yourself 20 minutes.

Endless time. Endless patience. Childhood is brief enough-don't rush.
post #14 of 14
For my kids the "threat" of not going to the park isn't that effective. They are perfectly content hanging at home playing with each other. They very much "live in the moment". That is a part of their ages, oldest just turned 6 and middle is 3 yrs. Consequences such as "we won't be able to come play at the park next Tuesday" seem very far off and not that important while we're in the moment of playing at the park RIGHT NOW. The NOW is the only thing of big importance.

I give mine lots of warning. Usually we meet up with friends and prearrange with the other mom to leave at the same time. That makes it much easier, as we're all leaving together. Also, my girls want to help me... so if I can give everyone something to carry to the car for me it's much easier as well. Typically we'll bring water bottles and a snack to the park. I'll ask 1 of them to carry my water bottle and the other to carry little brother's water bottle. Give everyone a "job" to do and they leave the park easier.

Oh, I agree with whomever said to give them a concrete example of time. I'll tell mine that they can go down the slide 3 more times and then it's time to leave. My oldest is just starting to really grasp the concept of time... but "time flies when you're having fun" so she gets frustrated when it doesn't seem like it's been 10 minutes yet, kwim?

HTH,
Beth
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