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nursing couple etiquette by the expert?  

post #1 of 27
12/19/08 at 11:58pm
Thread Starter 
I thought I remembered seeing someone post about Miss Manners or some other etiquette expert say that a mother & newborn/infant are a pair & it was related to nursing. Maybe she considers them an inseparable pair regardless of breastfeeding, but I thought it was related to it. Am I dreaming or does anyone remember reading this? I tried googling it but wasn't coming up w/ what I was looking for.

I'm being excluded from a family wedding & was hoping to provide those who think a 3 week old baby is going to ruin their time w/ what Miss Manners or some other etiquette expert says.

TIA,
Sus
post #2 of 27
12/20/08 at 12:01am
Hmm. Miss Manners is generally NOT especially breastfeeding-friendly, or at least not NIP-friendly, so I'm not sure.

Good luck though. That sucks.
post #3 of 27
12/20/08 at 12:05am
Thread Starter 
Who else is there who writes this etiquette stuff then? Is there an Emily Post who has a column where something like this might have appeared? I'm notorious for not remembering names of people. I could have her confused w/ someone else.

Thanks!
SUs
post #4 of 27
12/20/08 at 12:51am
The Emily Post Institute has been published with some etiquette rules around breastfeeding. I don't think it's specifically what you were looking for though.

This article includes a blurb on page 3:
http://www.vtbar.org/Images/Journal/...astfeeding.pdf

MSNBC.com also has a quotation as part of this article:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16773635/
post #5 of 27
12/21/08 at 1:19am
My oldest was 17 days old when my SIL got married. I nursed her quietly in the back of the church during the ceremony and she slept during the reception. There was no shortage of relatives who wanted to hold her or see her. I even got to dance. She did much better as a tiny infant than two years later at a wedding.
post #6 of 27
12/21/08 at 3:46am
Quote:
Originally Posted by mama24-7 View Post
I thought I remembered seeing someone post about Miss Manners or some other etiquette expert say that a mother & newborn/infant are a pair & it was related to nursing. Maybe she considers them an inseparable pair regardless of breastfeeding, but I thought it was related to it. Am I dreaming or does anyone remember reading this? I tried googling it but wasn't coming up w/ what I was looking for.

I'm being excluded from a family wedding & was hoping to provide those who think a 3 week old baby is going to ruin their time w/ what Miss Manners or some other etiquette expert says.

TIA,
Sus

Excluded how? Are they having no children and lumping your baby into that rule? I had this happen to me, my oldest friend did not want my 5 month old at her wedding. I was a bridesmaid and I opted to not make a big deal, because my parents stayed with the baby about 5 minutes away from the reception/wedding site and kept the baby nearby during photos and before the wedding started. I left once after the cermony to breastfeed and didn't stay to late (a max of maybe an hour and a half or so away from the baby). With a three week old might not be as easy.

That being said, I chose to go with the brides wishes because it was her day and she was under enough stress without having to deal with me giving her a hard time. She also does not have kids so frankly did not understand. The other bridesmaid who had a 13 month old was formula feeding and left her baby with her parents for the weekend (I could not do this!).

I am sure later after she has children of her own I will instruct her as to what she had actually asked me to do. I have known her for 30 plus years and I just sucked it up.
post #7 of 27
12/21/08 at 10:46am
Thread Starter 
Well, I wrote out the whole story when it started in TAO.

Long story short, originally I was told by my brother, the groom, that a baby would be no problem & would you like to have your older children (who will be 4 & almost 7) in the wedding. I get pregnant, then I am told that no babies will be allowed, including the MOHs less than 2 month old baby (don't really care w/ this person does, feel bad for her baby, but hey, it's her first, she could change her mind).

So, I can go to the church w/ baby, likely 3 wks pp or skip it all. The BTB parents & likely the bride want nothing to do w/ babies, I'm supposed to be okay w/ that, but they can come up w/ all kinds of mainstream ideas for me to be able to come & I'm just supposed to try what they want. No deal. I will be unable to enjoy myself separated from my newborn & will not put myself through it when it is not an emergency.

I can not nor will I just go w/ the flow. Why? B/c it's my brother's wedding, I was originally told babies would be fine, my children were invited to be in the wedding, now it's all down the tubes b/c of two people who are afraid (the BTBs parents) that a 3 week old is going to ruin their time & take away from their daughter's day. Well, guess what folks - it's my brother's wedding too. I know that I will need to work to let this go b/c my brother is not going to make waves in his new "family" and even if something terrible were to happen w/ my pregnancy, I would still not go. I would like to however, find the information that I believe is out there to enlighten these people that for as uppity as they are, as privledged as they are, yadda, yadda, yadda, they have no clue about etiquette.

FTR, I have no problem w/ weddings w/o children. Originally this wedding was only going to include the groom's 8.5 year old dd from a previous relationship. When I was told it was an adult only wedding, I was told my baby could come. That changed after I got pregnant.

Thanks to those who are trying to help.

Sus
post #8 of 27
12/21/08 at 12:30pm
So they said baby could come then changed their minds? Not really fair, IMO. Personally I wouldn't go if my baby couldn't come. But that's just what *I* would do. And yes, mom and nursing infant (or ANY infant) should be considered an inseperable pair.
Good luck!
post #9 of 27
12/21/08 at 2:37pm
I wounld not go. Do not make a big deal about it. Just tell them you won't go w/o baby then don't go. It does not have to cause drama if you are calm and direct.
post #10 of 27
12/21/08 at 3:31pm
I'm a meanie, but I'd probably go, wear the babe, nurse at will, and see if anyone really notices. If they're as self-consumed as they sound, they may never know.
post #11 of 27
12/21/08 at 11:48pm
I agree not to go. I lucked out at my sisters wedding. My LO was 3 months old but her LO was only 2 months. Both went. One slept in the corner almost the whole time. Mine was awake for ceremony then slept off and on throughout the whole reception. One person didn't even notice them until just before we left. He did a double take and said "hey! There are babies here!"

I don't think its fair of them to change their mind like that. I'd do the same: calmly and directly inform them that nurslings (especially newborns) and moms are a pair; you want one you get both.
post #12 of 27
12/22/08 at 12:01am
I seem to recall something from Miss Manners also in regards to an infant and mother being regarded more or less as one person. She is in favor of "discression" regarding NIP, but that is not the issue here.

Regardless of what Miss Manners or others say, IMHO, it is unreasonable to expect you to either miss the wedding or leave a three week old. That is just too young to be left.


Ideally your brother should be sorting this out with his btb, and you should not have to worry about it.

I hope it works out.
post #13 of 27
12/22/08 at 4:43am
Quote:
Originally Posted by annekevdbroek View Post
I seem to recall something from Miss Manners also in regards to an infant and mother being regarded more or less as one person.
: I remember reading this somewhere, too.
post #14 of 27
12/22/08 at 9:26am
Quote:
Originally Posted by annekevdbroek View Post
Ideally your brother should be sorting this out with his btb, and you should not have to worry about it.

I hope it works out.
:

basically, you need to talk to your brother and make it clear to him that you will not be separated from your baby and if he wants his sister at the wedding, he needs to deal with his future in laws. (after all, he will soon be the "man" of the family, he needs to step up!)
post #15 of 27
12/22/08 at 9:30am
I brought my 6 month old to two "no children allowed" weddings, but when I rsvped I told them I was bringing my baby and would nurse "discretely"... they were only friends, though, not family, so if they said I couldn't bring the baby, it wouldn't have mattered to me if we didn't go.
post #16 of 27
12/22/08 at 11:21am
Quote:
Originally Posted by kalkiwendy View Post
I'm a meanie, but I'd probably go, wear the babe, nurse at will, and see if anyone really notices. If they're as self-consumed as they sound, they may never know.
Yep, bro said kids would be fine. He's getting married, he gets a say. I would also sit towards the back and bend over backwards to make sure babe does not disturb your new SIL's big day. But really, no babies at a wedding? Are they afraid everyone will look at the baby instead of the bride? What's their reasoning?
post #17 of 27
12/22/08 at 1:37pm
I'm glad I don't like weddings, lol! If it weren't for the whole trying to normalize nursing thing, I'd use it as an excuse not to go!
:Are you SURE you want me there? I mean, I'll have to bring my BABY and he's NURSING and everyone will see my BREASTS and freak out screaming and run for the hills! I'd hate to ruin your wedding with my BREASTS."
post #18 of 27
12/22/08 at 1:40pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by mntnmom View Post
Yep, bro said kids would be fine. He's getting married, he gets a say. I would also sit towards the back and bend over backwards to make sure babe does not disturb your new SIL's big day. But really, no babies at a wedding? Are they afraid everyone will look at the baby instead of the bride? What's their reasoning?
probably think the baby would be noisy and cry the whole time. That's my guess. Of course, if he's noisy, you can nurse him, and he'll probably quiet down. Have you pointed that out? If so and they still don't want you there with baby I'd think there was a little boob-phobia going on. Either that or thinking "If I let X bring her baby then Y and Z will want to bring their kids, etc etc.
post #19 of 27
12/22/08 at 1:48pm
I couldn't imagine not allowing my sibling at my wedding because he/she had a baby. :

I would hold a serious grudge if my brother did not support me on this one, but that's just me.

Personally, I don't get people who do the "adults only" weddings. Wedding's aren't even fun unless kids are there.
post #20 of 27
12/22/08 at 2:31pm
I just (finally) found a Miss Manners response that, I'd imagine, pretty much sums up her opinion: she's staunchly ANTI-NIP.
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