We always use please. DD doesn't seem to have had issues with assuming we were simply suggesting she do something when we were asking her to do it.
post #41 of 126
12/20/08 at 10:39pm
no it was the please that was the issue.. It was for me and it was for DH.
no please implied no choice 100% of the time.. clean your room meant clean your room not if you'd like or anything else..
Please sometimes meant if you like other times it meant no choice it was exhausting and frustrating figuring out which we learned to just do it regardless of please or not making it sound patronizing to us. Because of this we do choose to distinguish the diffrence. (in our home). This was actually one of the first things DH and I completly saw eye to eye on because it had been such a huge issue growing up.
I've been saying "you may" to myself while reading this thread and it sounds funny to me, even a little imperious. I imagine that if I said that to someone, they would sarcastically reply, "well, thanks, your highness!"
Personally I don't think there can be too much courtesy in the world.
Of course I say please.
Otherwise it's just an example of treating children like non-people.
|Originally Posted by alegna
I absolutely use please whenever I can.
There are ways to say please and still be clear it's a requirement not request.
Please pick up your toys.
Please pick your toys up NOW.
I think the OP is being rude, just my oh so humble opinion
I've used "please" and "thank you" w/ my kids a lot and never had much problem w/ them thinking that "please" meant something was optional.
"Please pass the rice"
"Could you please get me a pen?"
Other times I would not phrase things as a request, but as a statement of what's happening. "It's time to pick up your toys" or "Go wash your hands, it's time for dinner."
I've also taught them to use "please" when making requests "Can we please watch a video?"
I've also taught them that when people offer them something (e.g. food or drink) the 2 answers are "Yes, please" or "No, thank you."
See and to me both those seem to imply a choice. As in if the child says no then it means that the parent will go oh well I asked.. Now for some this might be true but then it really wasn't a requirment. I find it very patronizing to hear please tagged on to a statement thats clearly not meant to be a choice.
Like the last time we were at my MILs.
MIL: C pick up your cards please so we can eat dinner..
C : No thank you grandma I'll get them latter
MILin sugary sweet sing song voice) you need to listen to grandma its time to clean up.. Now Please listen to grandma
(here mommy jumped in pointed out 1) you asked if she would she said no don't request and no accept the answer.. 2) that the cards were no where near the dinner table and she was activly playing with them and I'd make sure she had them cleaned up before bed..
Oh, this is interesting....
Don't get me wrong, I model it interacting with other adults I just wonder if it confuses a toddler.
She's polite enough for her age. She does use please when she asks for something and I think that's pretty good for just turning 2.
I do intend to use more when she's older but I can't help feeling somewhat condescending asking her to 'please get off the table' or 'please come here'. By the nature of her age she's engaged in activities that I can't compare with making the same request of other adults.
I'm beginning to feel like a brute...
I don't hear it that way at all.
I might call dh and say, "please bring home a gallon of milk"
if he said no, he'd better have a darn good reason
right! to the bolded part- this is where i find it sort of annoying. to me it does sound patronizing in those situations.
i don't really have this issue with ds yet- too young and i mostly redirect with commentary. so i'd say "uh-oh off the table, bubs!. let's sit you in a chair so you can be up high"... changing it from negative into a positive redirect. no "please" needed.
but say i want dh to pick his wet towel up off the floor- i could say "would you hang up the wet towel" which sounds just direct and factual to me. or i could say "please hang up the wet towel" which sounds huffy and condescending and whiny to me.
to me please makes it a personal request rather than a reminder that wet towels won't dry if they're heaped in a pile on the floor. saying please implies that i get pleasure from the action.
i do say "thank you" a lot though.
i hated it when my old boss would say "please" after a non optional request. as if we had a choice. i found it patronizing.
"would one of you please grab a bunch of bags from the stockroom and fill in the register?" uggghhh.
why not simply- "would one of you grab a bunch of bags from the stockroom and fill in the registers?" moving on, nothing personal, and thanks for taking care of it whoever did it.
i think people often say "please" to soften a request and instead it comes out as weirdly passive aggressive.