Do you use 'please'? - Page 3

[MusicianDad]

We always use please. DD doesn't seem to have had issues with assuming we were simply suggesting she do something when we were asking her to do it.

[artgoddess]

Originally Posted by octobermom

no it was the please that was the issue.. It was for me and it was for DH.
no please implied no choice 100% of the time.. clean your room meant clean your room not if you'd like or anything else..
Please sometimes meant if you like other times it meant no choice it was exhausting and frustrating figuring out which we learned to just do it regardless of please or not making it sound patronizing to us. Because of this we do choose to distinguish the diffrence. (in our home). This was actually one of the first things DH and I completly saw eye to eye on because it had been such a huge issue growing up.

I hear you, but I do think that if it always was a choice, or if it never meant a choice or in some way was used with consistency then it would not have been as difficult for you.

Like I said, everyone is different. In our house we say a lot of please and a lot of thank you. But our house is also very consistent. I don't use a term or phrase that means one thing one day and another thing another day.

mamazee, I use a lot of "sweet boy" at the end of instructions in my house.

[octobermom]

As I said earlier I have seen plenty of home where please is freely used where there isn't any damage so I'm not like deadly set against it however its just an area that we choose to make a dirrect diffrence for.

Deanna

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by e(Lisa)beth

I've been saying "you may" to myself while reading this thread and it sounds funny to me, even a little imperious. I imagine that if I said that to someone, they would sarcastically reply, "well, thanks, your highness!"

Yes! : me too. It just feels to me like you're expecting the person to be happy or honored about whatever you're "letting" them (but really telling them to) do.

We are not amused.

Originally Posted by e(Lisa)beth

FWIW, I've always thought of "I'll let you go now" on the telephone not as passive/agressive but simply as "I've taken up too much of your time, I know you need to get on with your day." Kind of self-deprecating, I guess.

Fascinating!! I'm the one with the DH who says it sometimes still to me....I never, ever thought of it that way. I still want him to say what he means though.... . But thanks for that perspective

[mamabadger]

Originally Posted by verde

Personally I don't think there can be too much courtesy in the world.

I have never seen "please" as limited to requests. I use please any time I make a request, give an order, or even issue an angry demand ("Would you please stop your dog from doing that on our lawn?!") It has nothing to do with level of authority or the right to refuse. It is just expressing the request/demand/order politely rather than rudely.
A person in authority needs to be more careful about courtesy toward his subordinates, not less. A boss who issues commands just because he can, no please, no thank you, no "if you don't mind," is an obnoxious, overbearing boor. If he is genuinely in charge, he can afford to say, "Please get me that file," showing his employee a little respect, instead of making a point of the fact that she is required to comply.
I also say "thank you" to a small child who does something for me, even if the child had no choice in the matter.
Courtesy is not a sign of weakness!!

[Cujobunny]

I agree that saying "please" is a matter of courtesy.

I don't know if I always used it with my ds but I do know that once he really started talking and I heard what I, and DH, were saying to him mirrored back to me, I starting using A LOT more manners! Saying to the child "Pick up your toys" is like your child saying to you "Get me a drink". You won't like it.

[Jenneelk]

I use please often and teach my children to do the same. I don't expect it at every request they make but sometimes the way something is asked, I correct them in their tone by reminding them to say please. Now I don't really need the 'please' but I do need them to remember courtesty and by instructing that use of the word reminds them to be nice when asking for something. kwim?

[2cutiekitties]

Originally Posted by alegna

I absolutely use please whenever I can.

There are ways to say please and still be clear it's a requirement not request.

Please pick up your toys.

Please pick your toys up NOW.

I think the OP is being rude, just my oh so humble opinion

[A&A]

Of course I say please.

Otherwise it's just an example of treating children like non-people.

[octobermom]

Originally Posted by A&A

Of course I say please.

Otherwise it's just an example of treating children like non-people.

No its not or at least it doesn't need to be. I don't say please to my DH or other adults if I'm not giving a request. Its rare for me to do this just like its rare for me to do it with my child but I don't say please if I'm open to a no.
Deanna

[octobermom]

Originally Posted by alegna
I absolutely use please whenever I can.

There are ways to say please and still be clear it's a requirement not request.

Please pick up your toys.

Please pick your toys up NOW.

Originally Posted by 2cutiekitties

I think the OP is being rude, just my oh so humble opinion

See and to me both those seem to imply a choice. As in if the child says no then it means that the parent will go oh well I asked.. Now for some this might be true but then it really wasn't a requirment. I find it very patronizing to hear please tagged on to a statement thats clearly not meant to be a choice.
Like the last time we were at my MILs.
MIL: C pick up your cards please so we can eat dinner..
C : No thank you grandma I'll get them latter
MILin sugary sweet sing song voice) you need to listen to grandma its time to clean up.. Now Please listen to grandma
(here mommy jumped in pointed out 1) you asked if she would she said no don't request and no accept the answer.. 2) that the cards were no where near the dinner table and she was activly playing with them and I'd make sure she had them cleaned up before bed..

Deanna

[skreader]

I've used "please" and "thank you" w/ my kids a lot and never had much problem w/ them thinking that "please" meant something was optional.

Example:
"Please pass the rice"
"Could you please get me a pen?"

Other times I would not phrase things as a request, but as a statement of what's happening. "It's time to pick up your toys" or "Go wash your hands, it's time for dinner."

I've also taught them to use "please" when making requests "Can we please watch a video?"

I've also taught them that when people offer them something (e.g. food or drink) the 2 answers are "Yes, please" or "No, thank you."

[octobermom]

Originally Posted by skreader

I've used "please" and "thank you" w/ my kids a lot and never had much problem w/ them thinking that "please" meant something was optional.

Example:
"Please pass the rice"
"Could you please get me a pen?"

Other times I would not phrase things as a request, but as a statement of what's happening. "It's time to pick up your toys" or "Go wash your hands, it's time for dinner."

I've also taught them to use "please" when making requests "Can we please watch a video?"

I've also taught them that when people offer them something (e.g. food or drink) the 2 answers are "Yes, please" or "No, thank you."

We do the same...

Deanna

[alegna]

Originally Posted by octobermom

See and to me both those seem to imply a choice. As in if the child says no then it means that the parent will go oh well I asked.. Now for some this might be true but then it really wasn't a requirment. I find it very patronizing to hear please tagged on to a statement thats clearly not meant to be a choice.
Like the last time we were at my MILs.
MIL: C pick up your cards please so we can eat dinner..
C : No thank you grandma I'll get them latter
MILin sugary sweet sing song voice) you need to listen to grandma its time to clean up.. Now Please listen to grandma
(here mommy jumped in pointed out 1) you asked if she would she said no don't request and no accept the answer.. 2) that the cards were no where near the dinner table and she was activly playing with them and I'd make sure she had them cleaned up before bed..

Deanna

I don't hear it that way at all.

I might call dh and say, "please bring home a gallon of milk"

if he said no, he'd better have a darn good reason

-Angela

[pacificbliss]

I use please when asking anyone to do anything. My toddler is no exception.

[stickywicket67]

Originally Posted by BaBaBa

Oh, this is interesting....

Don't get me wrong, I model it interacting with other adults I just wonder if it confuses a toddler.

She's polite enough for her age. She does use please when she asks for something and I think that's pretty good for just turning 2.

I do intend to use more when she's older but I can't help feeling somewhat condescending asking her to 'please get off the table' or 'please come here'. By the nature of her age she's engaged in activities that I can't compare with making the same request of other adults.

I'm beginning to feel like a brute...

right! to the bolded part- this is where i find it sort of annoying. to me it does sound patronizing in those situations.

i don't really have this issue with ds yet- too young and i mostly redirect with commentary. so i'd say "uh-oh off the table, bubs!. let's sit you in a chair so you can be up high"... changing it from negative into a positive redirect. no "please" needed.

but say i want dh to pick his wet towel up off the floor- i could say "would you hang up the wet towel" which sounds just direct and factual to me. or i could say "please hang up the wet towel" which sounds huffy and condescending and whiny to me.

to me please makes it a personal request rather than a reminder that wet towels won't dry if they're heaped in a pile on the floor. saying please implies that i get pleasure from the action.

i do say "thank you" a lot though.

i hated it when my old boss would say "please" after a non optional request. as if we had a choice. i found it patronizing.
"would one of you please grab a bunch of bags from the stockroom and fill in the register?" uggghhh.
why not simply- "would one of you grab a bunch of bags from the stockroom and fill in the registers?" moving on, nothing personal, and thanks for taking care of it whoever did it.

i think people often say "please" to soften a request and instead it comes out as weirdly passive aggressive.

[octobermom]

Originally Posted by alegna

I don't hear it that way at all.

I might call dh and say, "please bring home a gallon of milk"

if he said no, he'd better have a darn good reason

-Angela

First off know this is jsut an area that is a huge sore spot for me personally its not a reflection on how I view every other persons ways of handling it.. but to me I would likely say please bring home a gallon of milk because well it would be a simple request, I have my own car and access to food money we also havea groccery store literly across the street from us, so if DH came home with out it I might be disapointed but not upset. Same with my DD we use please VERY often. Please pass the potatos, please take these upstairs please turn the TV down ect because they are requests if she refuses (which honestly is rare) I find a diffrent way. WHat I don't say please with are times where there is no other "acceptable" choice.

Deanna

[dynamicdoula]

My experience (11yo, 7yo and 15mo) is that saying, "Please pick up your toys," does not come across as an option but a respectful request. Consequently my kids all return that same language.

[BaBaBa]

Originally Posted by stickywicket67

right! to the bolded part- this is where i find it sort of annoying. to me it does sound patronizing in those situations.

i don't really have this issue with ds yet- too young and i mostly redirect with commentary. so i'd say "uh-oh off the table, bubs!. let's sit you in a chair so you can be up high"... changing it from negative into a positive redirect. no "please" needed.

but say i want dh to pick his wet towel up off the floor- i could say "would you hang up the wet towel" which sounds just direct and factual to me. or i could say "please hang up the wet towel" which sounds huffy and condescending and whiny to me.

to me please makes it a personal request rather than a reminder that wet towels won't dry if they're heaped in a pile on the floor. saying please implies that i get pleasure from the action.

i do say "thank you" a lot though.

i hated it when my old boss would say "please" after a non optional request. as if we had a choice. i found it patronizing.
"would one of you please grab a bunch of bags from the stockroom and fill in the register?" uggghhh.
why not simply- "would one of you grab a bunch of bags from the stockroom and fill in the registers?" moving on, nothing personal, and thanks for taking care of it whoever did it.

i think people often say "please" to soften a request and instead it comes out as weirdly passive aggressive.

Thank you.
You articulated exactly what I failed to.

[nina_yyc]

I use please and thank you as often as I remember. It's what I want to hear back so it just makes sense to me. We also encourage DD to say please and thank you.