Would you be upset?

[amyandelle]

So tonight is our Christmas pot luck at church. We have known about this for about a month. Then about 2 weeks ago dh comes home and says that his work Holiday party is on the 20th and I reminded him that was the same night as the pot luck. He said that we would have to miss pot luck and get a baby sitter so we could go to his work party. I told him that it surprised me that he was going to go to a work party over a church pot luck. I guess the main attraction to him is that it is at Dave and Busters which is an adult arcade where you can "eat, drink, and play". My dh does not drink but he LOVES arcdes I told him he should think about it and that either way I would not be going because I am totally not into that type of place. SO a few days went by and he decided that he would not go to the holiday party and that we would go to the pot luck. Great! end of story right..... nope...

Last night he comes home from work saying that he has to go to the holiday party because his boss really wants him to come. "There will be other pot luck's" he said and basically made up his mind that he is going to the holiday party. Of course now I am really dissapointed and mad. Not only have I been looking forward to the pot luck and the kids have been looking forward to it too but he has the nerve to tell me that I could still go to the pot luck without him. I told him "no" that if we are not going as a family we are not going at all. So then he say's "get your Mom to babysit and come with me to the holiday party". I again told him I did not want to go to the holiday party. Now he is mad at me because I am making him feel bad. He even used the excuse that since he has a new boss and his review is in a few weeks that his new boss will base his review on the few interactions he has with him before the review. Yeah, I said cause his boss will be drunk and that will be a good place to get to know one another:

OK so I am dissapointed on MANY levels here.

First I am dissapointed that he would choose a holiday party for work over a church pot luck. We have been very active in church for a little over a year. Last year when we first started going he would never have put the world before God.

Next I am dissapointed because he chooses to go to a party with his co-workers and boss over his family.

And finally I am dissapointed because he really does not see above his selfishness that he has a family to consider and that him choosing this holiday party over the pot luck is not about his work review it is about him being a big child and caring only about the fact that he get's to go and play games for free.

So am I being wrong here? Would you be upset or am I just overreacting?

Thanks,
Amy

[Arduinna]

I can totally understand being disappointed. On the other hand work holiday partys, as much as I personally think they are stupid, are a part of work culture and participating in them can have positive effects on your relationship with the boss. You want to be seen as a fully integrated part of the company, not a person that just shows up to get the pay check. Especially in this economy.

[greenmagick]

Just wanted to say that many places work parties are mandatory, or at least very strongly encouraged.

[Shaki]

At all the companies my DH has worked for it was expected to go to holiday parties. At least in the work climate he's in--it can hurt you politically not to attend. Maybe your Dh is rightly picking up on some pressure from work?

How you feel is totally valid. But in these hard economic times it's important to do what you can to hold on to a job (if you're lucky enough to have one).

Is there more going on here than just the party situation? I hope you and your Dh work it out.

[mamabadger]

I certainly understand your being disappointed, especially by the sudden change. I completely emphasize there.

I also hate the fact that some businesses expect employees to attend what is supposed to be a social event but is actually unpaid overtime. HATE it! But I understand that this is part of your DH's employment situation, and I can see why he feels obligated to attend.

Where I definitely disagree with you is here:

Originally Posted by amyandelle

Not only have I been looking forward to the pot luck and the kids have been looking forward to it too but he has the nerve to tell me that I could still go to the pot luck without him. I told him "no" that if we are not going as a family we are not going at all.

Why not? It seems to me like the most agreeable solution. He can fulfill his workplace obligations; you can still go to the potluck; and the children do not have to miss out on an event they have been looking forward to. Under the circumstances, I cannot think of a better compromise.
(Then again, DH and I often go our separate ways to pursue (very) different interests. I would not care if he wanted to go off and play games as long as I could go on with my own plans, but I understand that approach does not appeal to everyone.)

[siobhang]

I can never get DH to come to Church potlucks at all (which are social events, and IMO, not equivalent to a religious service, so I am not understanding the sentiment of :

First I am dissapointed that he would choose a holiday party for work over a church pot luck. We have been very active in church for a little over a year. Last year when we first started going he would never have put the world before God.

)

But that is me.

[cappuccinosmom]

I say go to the church party without him. Have yourself a good time. Why stay home and be miserable? Why cut off your nose to spite your face?

In all honesty, I would be annoyed. But I probably wouldn't say any thing to him. If he was happy for me to get a babysitter so I could go with him, I'd jump on it. Date night! : If the kids really wanted the potluck, I'd take them, guilt and anger free, I'd enjoy the fellowship and tell people I was sorry dh was missing out on all the good food and fun for a boring old work party. That way when they saw him next they'd say things like "Oh, I'm soooo sorry you had to miss our party. We had the greatest time and we missed you there. Maybe next year". And he'd be embarassed.

One of those things it's probably best to shrug the anger off and get on with enjoying life. I have never really found trying to force my husband to do things my way, accusing him of lack of spirituality, lack of love for family, and resenting him when he didn't do what I wanted to do to make me at all a happier person, even if I ended up "winning" that particular argument.

[indie]

In this situation I would let him go to the work party and take the kids to the church potluck. I'm very involved in church too, but I think a potluck is more on the equivalent of a social event and is, in that regard, similar to a work party. You have every right to be disappointed, especially since he said that he would go to the potluck, but it is just one of those situations where there is a conflict and you have to choose. Its not like he's asking to go out carousing on a Sunday morning during the main church service. Going to the work party can be important for showing your dedication especially during a time when so many are losing their jobs. After this is all over, talk to him about how you guys should deal with scheduling conflicts in the future instead of getting upset in the moment.

[TzippityDoulah]

awww I feel for you. maybe if you just go with him instead it would be putting such a good foot fwd it might make a good impact on your reltionship in the long run (not that anything is bad with your relationship lol... but you know what I mean)

He is being selfish. it's true. but is there ever a time you're selfish? I am. sometimes i want something NOW dangit! with out reason or logic i want it. and occasionall my husband just says "ok. I don't want it but if you do bad enough, let's do it." b/c of his kind attitude towards me, I rarely put my foot down b/c I would feel terribly guilty! infact it makes me want to do special things for him just because.

anyhow if all that doesn't apply... then go to the church party yourself. if you have enough friends there you likely wont be lonely. in my church the men and woman seem to go into their separate groups to socialize anyhow. so I don't see my husband too often unless of course it has to do with the kids or baby etc...

[runes]

With all kindness, it sounds like you're overreacting.

It would be understandable to be upset about missing a special service, but choosing to go to a work party vs. a church potluck is hardly "putting the world before God."

And as previous posters have mentioned, in this economy where people's jobs are being slashed everywhere, count yourself lucky that your DH's business is faring so well that they are even having a holiday party, in addition to the fact that your husband has a job. Holiday parties are very often a time to schmooze and socialize with higher ups, and it is definitely seen as a team player move to go to those things.

Can you reframe things so that instead of thinking that your DH is choosing his work party over spending time with your family, that he has placed your family's well-being as his highest priority and has chosen to attend the work function in order to maintain this.

Go to the potluck tonight with the kids, and have fun. And I hope your DH has fun, too.

[cappuccinosmom]

reframe

I love that word.

[enkmom]

I would consider this a gift. You don't have to go to his work party, and you and your children can have fun at the potluck. I'm sure that everyone at church will understand why he needs to be at his work party. To me, this seems like the best of both worlds. I ALWAYS have to go to my husband's work party, and I NEVER have a good time.

Bottom line, yes, I can see why you are disappointed that you are not going to the potluck together - but yes, I think you are over-reacting.

[amyandelle]

Thanks for all the replies!! I appreciate everyone's point of view!!

Going to the pot luck tonight with-out him is really not an option. See this would have become a whole day inconvience for me. We only have one car. I would have had to take him to the train this afternoon then come home cook for the pot luck then go to the pot luck finish up there and then find something to do until he is ready to be picked up from the train whenever his party ends. SO totally not an option.

Finding a babysitter with only 8 hours notice so I could go to his party was not an option either. My Mom could not watch them tonight and we have nobody else that would be able to on such short notice.

Anyway, I am over it. I am bummed that I am stuck here at home all day but I have plenty to do here so it is what it is.

Amy

[avent]

I would not be angry. Where I worked it was a big deal to go to holiday parties and bosses definitely noticed who had come and who had not. It was a big advantage to be there. I'm assuming it's even moreso in this economy. Be happy he has a job to go to, and that they have money for a holiday party this year. Take the kids to the church potluck and enjoy!

[TzippityDoulah]

Originally Posted by amyandelle

Thanks for all the replies!! I appreciate everyone's point of view!!

Going to the pot luck tonight with-out him is really not an option. See this would have become a whole day inconvience for me. We only have one car. I would have had to take him to the train this afternoon then come home cook for the pot luck then go to the pot luck finish up there and then find something to do until he is ready to be picked up from the train whenever his party ends. SO totally not an option.

Finding a babysitter with only 8 hours notice so I could go to his party was not an option either. My Mom could not watch them tonight and we have nobody else that would be able to on such short notice.

Anyway, I am over it. I am bummed that I am stuck here at home all day but I have plenty to do here so it is what it is.

Amy

awww I'm sorry. that's a shame. to be honest I would feel annoyed - a lot. it may also be that my and me husband have a different sort of communication though. every couple is different in that way. for us it would be considered highly unusual to expect the other to just up and change plans they were looking fwd to. BUT in the long run the best advise here is to be the bigger person and let it go. (I would be in the bathroom taking big breaths counting to ten lol) B/c in the end it doesn't matter who "wins". a happy marriage takes compromise and given in sometimes
here's to hoping next time the partying is on your terms