Girls Only Birthday Party...? - Page 2

[beanma]

We've done both boy-girl and just girl parties. Often it is to keep the party smaller (to save my sanity), but also my dd1 has just wanted girls the past few years. Now, her closest friends at this point in time are girls so it makes sense. In past years she has had some boy friends (we would go to playdates at each others houses), but right now it's just girls. (Those boys go to different schools, etc.) There are even only girls her age in our neighborhood.

My dd2 just had her party and she did invite one boy. She invited 6 girls, but just 4 came. I was glad of that. I just can't mentally handle a party much bigger than that, plus in winter we need to have it indoors and my girls want to have them at our house so far. Basically she had all kids who she has playdates with outside of school, etc, except for the boy. She just likes him and sees him only at school.

So if we had been friends with your boy we would have invited him, but gender segregated parties are a _very_ common thing from about 4 on up, really. That's the age you really start to see self segregation on the playground at school with girls playing with girls and boys with boys. There are often a few crossovers, but it's a pretty obvious split. We've been to many girls only parties.

As far as what to tell him I guess I would tell him they probably wanted to keep the party small and/or they weren't sure he would like tea party stuff, but I would emphasize that they do like him as evidenced by the play dates, etc.

[gingerstar]

I have to honestly say I have never thought about it like this.

I have three girls, and I do our parties at home - so I do limit the guest list. Usually I say they can invite as many people as the age they are turning - that makes it manageable (usually... my eldest's 9th was not!) And my daughters have never, not once, put a boy on the list. So we have always had girl-only parties, and I never stopped and wondered how the little boys might have felt. If they were hurt, I am sorry.
Now, I did make an exception to the rule last spring, when my middle daughter turned 7, since to invite 7 girls would have meant two girls in her class being left out, so I let her invite all the girls (although not all came) but again, I never thought about boys feeling left out, and to be honest, I am just not capable of throwing a party at home for 20 1st grade children, and I cannot afford to go to like Chuck E Cheese (and not sure I would do it if I could!).

And my eldest has been invited to two boys b-day parties, both invited the whole class - she went to one but not the other. My middle DD was invited to one boy's party, in preschool, again the whole class.

So please don't judge this other mother harshly - perhaps she is as clueless about your son's feeling left out as I seem to be.

ETA: I think mamazee is right - it must be common here. When I remember growing up, my parties were girls only in grade school, and I mostly went to girls' parties, unless it was the whole class.

[boatbaby]

I guess part of the reason this hit me as a surprise is because MOST of DS's friends are girls. He has 2 good boy friends and 7 or so girlfriends.

I also find it ironic how people like to preach about gender equality and then do things like have boy only/ girl only parties. I think that sends mixed message to kids.

And again, this had nothing to do with inviting "the class" -- these kids are either not in school or had a mix of kids - some from preschool and some from neighborhood and some from just being friends... you get the idea.

[amcal]

Having a same sex party has absolutely nothing to do with gender equality.

I'm sorry your son was hurt but seriously, it's the parent and the birthday child's right to have the kind of party they want to have.

A really good friend of my DD's is a boy. They've been together since preschool - moved to two different schools together so they know each other well. They play on the playground every day. He choose to have a karate party at the place where he takes karate classes. DD wasn't invited and was thrilled. It was not something she would have wanted to do.

I get that your son would have wanted to go to the tea party but, I think it's a pretty safe assumption that most boys would not. So, having a tea party birthday theme and inviting only girls is not really all that "out there". Nor is it "stupid" as you had said. It happens and will most likely continue to happen throughout his life and it has absolutely nothing to do with sexism or equality.

Honestly, I'm shocked that you are so overtly angry about this child's birthday party. She's a little girl who wanted a tea party. That is her right. It's also her right to just invite her girlfriends. Maybe rather than be so angry at them, you could use it as a teaching experience for your child. Unfortunately, that's life. We are not always invited to everything. It's not a reflection of our self worth, it just happens that way sometimes.

[ZanZansMommy]

My DD just turned 5 & we had a tea party for her that ended up being only girls. I didn't plan on specifically eliminating boys ( I have a DS too) but as I planned the things we were going to do at the party (make a garden hat, look for pearls, a purse, lace gloves) it became obvious that these were things I knew girls would love; boys not so much. I personally wasn't going to rearrange or do something specifically for boys (it would've involved even more work than I was already putting in. Your son may have enjoyed these activities but most of ours wouldn't have). So it turned out to be a girls tea party.

Did this mother preach gender equality to you & then dis your son to the party or is it the overall sentiment of preaching gender equality that bothers you?

I'm sorry your sons feelings were hurt. As a parent who recently had just such party, it wasn't mean spirited to leave out boys or even intended at first. It evolved that way, due to limits on party size, cost & overall plans.
We did what my DD wanted & to me that was most important.

[4evermom]

The "girls only" thing really makes my ds sad, too. Fortunately we haven't run into it for things like parties, just kids being exclusionary at playgrounds. I do think age 4 and 5 are a particularly bad time to introduce the concept. I don't think my ds would be as upset now, at age 7. He did go to an all boys party for the first time recently. And he was the only boy at a girl's party recently.

[OakBerry]

My ds is friends with the girl down the street, she is 2 years older. They are not very close, they play occasionally, and sometimes I get her on the bus in the morning as a favor to her mom.

We have never been invited to any of her parties. I don't know whether they are girl only, or that the mom only invites her close friends or what.
Ds is a bit offended by it, but I explained to him that some people have just family or just best friends only, or girls only.

My ds would enjoy a "girly" party, he's been to a horseback riding party with a princess theme and loved it, but I know for a fact that many of his friends would not, nor would his cousins. His cousin actively encourages him to dislike girls

Anyway, I'm rambling, I think it's their right but I'm sorry your ds was sad. We always do boy and girl parties for ds.

[boatbaby]

FWIW I don don't mind if he's not invited to a party in general. That happens. I just find it weird that people make invite lists based on gender rather than who the person is friends with. It seems like a weird line to draw.

[laura163]

When my DS turned 5 we only invited the boys in the class. There were 11
. I couldn't have invited the girls and kept my sanity. As it was, 11 school friend boys + 5 family friend (3 girls/2 boys) was about 5 kids too many.

[zeldamomma]

Well, we just had our first "girls only" party. The theme ended up being pretty girly, and the guest list was too big, so I was looking for the easiest way to leave somebody out. We are very fond of the little boy who wasn't invited, and had him over to play shortly after the party (but the party decorations weren't out, and my dds know never to talk about a party in front of someone who wasn't invited). : (for my little guy)

Other years we have had co-ed parties, and it is sometimes more work to come up with alternatives to the girl-oriented crafts and favors for the boys, and trying to ensure that there would be more than one little boy at the party. Maybe you and your little boy wouldn't be uncomfortable with his attending a party where he was the only boy and the activities were all very feminine, but many people would feel differently.

ZM

[soso-lynn]

Originally Posted by mamazee

Many of her close friends have had boy-only parties and she's never been bothered by it, even at 4. She'd tell me, "He's having a boy-only party so I'm not going" and she'd seem to be fine with that as an explanation. Maybe just because it's so normal here that it doesn't strike her as odd.

I guess you willl also applaud her normalcy when she tells you : "Sports I are for boys, so I will just stay here and learn how to cook." or "Mom, I am a girl, I need to wear make-up to be pretty."

Originally Posted by amcal

Having a same sex party has absolutely nothing to do with gender equality.


I get that your son would have wanted to go to the tea party but, I think it's a pretty safe assumption that most boys would not. So, having a tea party birthday theme and inviting only girls is not really all that "out there". Nor is it "stupid" as you had said. It happens and will most likely continue to happen throughout his life and it has absolutely nothing to do with sexism or equality.

So, teaching young children that there is a fundamental difference between boys and girls and that there are things that girls like to do and others that boys like to do has nothing to do with gender equality? I guess I just thought that "separate but equal" had been rejected a long time ago.

OP, perhaps you can invite those kids to a tea party for your son.

[kamilla626]

I agree with Ruthla & amcal. It's not that big of a deal to me.

As adults, there are often parties that are just for women or just for guys. Jewelery parties, or "drink beer and watch the game" gatherings - that kind of thing. I think it's reasonable for kids to want the same kind of thing sometimes.

[Maeve]

Originally Posted by zeldamomma

Well, we just had our first "girls only" party. The theme ended up being pretty girly, and the guest list was too big, so I was looking for the easiest way to leave somebody out. We are very fond of the little boy who wasn't invited, and had him over to play shortly after the party (but the party decorations weren't out, and my dds know never to talk about a party in front of someone who wasn't invited). : (for my little guy)

Other years we have had co-ed parties, and it is sometimes more work to come up with alternatives to the girl-oriented crafts and favors for the boys, and trying to ensure that there would be more than one little boy at the party. Maybe you and your little boy wouldn't be uncomfortable with his attending a party where he was the only boy and the activities were all very feminine, but many people would feel differently.

ZM

I agree. And while there are some boys who would like tea parties, almost all of the little boys we have met would not have wanted to attend one. When dd was in school we had a birthday party that ended up being all girls (my mom threw it, which was a nightmare in a way, but that's another story). It was tea party themed with dress up, "girly" crafts, etc. We also really had to limit the number of guests, though I will say not all the girls in her class got invited (she had a large class), but it was all girls.
I think all girl/boys parties are fine. We prefer boy/girl parties but not every kids is the same way and while I think it should be encouraged to included both, I wouldn't force a child either.

[amcal]

Originally Posted by soso-lynn

I guess you willl also applaud her normalcy when she tells you : "Sports I are for boys, so I will just stay here and learn how to cook." or "Mom, I am a girl, I need to wear make-up to be pretty."



So, teaching young children that there is a fundamental difference between boys and girls and that there are things that girls like to do and others that boys like to do has nothing to do with gender equality? I guess I just thought that "separate but equal" had been rejected a long time ago.
.

Wow, that's a huge stretch.

Having a girls only or boys only party has absolutely nothing to do with equality. You're not saying that boys are "less than" or that girls are "less than" so they aren't invited - that would be an equality issue.

These are kids who wanted to have a theme birthday. I can't imagine thinking my kid is so special that they party thrower needs to make special arrangements for my kid.

Again, I'm sorry if kids are hurt by not being invited but seriously, rather than slamming the party thrower, how about teaching your child a valuable lesson? That we aren't always invited to everything and it's really not that big of a deal. It's not a reflection on our self worth, it's just a one time party for girls or boys only. It doesn't mean they're not a special friend, it doesn't mean they're not important but, for this one particular event, they weren't invited.

I just don't get the sense of entitlement. That your child should be invited - no matter what - no matter the theme or event. Your child should be invited. Yeah, I don't get that.

[kamilla626]

Originally Posted by soso-lynn

So, teaching young children that there is a fundamental difference between boys and girls and that there are things that girls like to do and others that boys like to do has nothing to do with gender equality? I guess I just thought that "separate but equal" had been rejected a long time ago.

OP, perhaps you can invite those kids to a tea party for your son.

Haven't you ever gotten together with a group of friends that were all women?

[boatbaby]

Originally Posted by kamilla626

Haven't you ever gotten together with a group of friends that were all women?

I have done get together of "primary parent". DS has 2 friends who have stay at home dads. If we did a "moms night out" -- that would be crappy for these two guys who deserve a night off too. We always include them. I guess I have always been blessed with a strong co-ed group of friends. From childhood into married adulthood I have close male friends.

And by the way, what is a "girl craft?"

[amcal]

Some "girl crafts" my girls have done at all girl parties include making and decorating tutus, decorating jewelry boxes, decorating tiaras, making foam purses and making hair bows/decorating headbands.

And, again, I think you're the exception rather than the rule. Everyone I know gets together with their girlfriends or their guy friends. I think it's a good and healthy thing to do. Sure, we do couple things as well but, getting together with just your girl or guy friends is different - there is a different level of bonding and intimacy that has nothing to do with equality.

[soso-lynn]

Originally Posted by amcal

Wow, that's a huge stretch.

Having a girls only or boys only party has absolutely nothing to do with equality. You're not saying that boys are "less than" or that girls are "less than" so they aren't invited - that would be an equality issue.

These are kids who wanted to have a theme birthday. I can't imagine thinking my kid is so special that they party thrower needs to make special arrangements for my kid.

Again, I'm sorry if kids are hurt by not being invited but seriously, rather than slamming the party thrower, how about teaching your child a valuable lesson? That we aren't always invited to everything and it's really not that big of a deal. It's not a reflection on our self worth, it's just a one time party for girls or boys only. It doesn't mean they're not a special friend, it doesn't mean they're not important but, for this one particular event, they weren't invited.

I just don't get the sense of entitlement. That your child should be invited - no matter what - no matter the theme or event. Your child should be invited. Yeah, I don't get that.

You are completely missing the point. The "separate but equal" comment refers to when racist white people were arguing for separate schools for blacks and whites. They said in was not discrimination, it was equal. Just like what you are saying now abot little boys and girls. Segregation is never equal.
The very fact that you want to see certain activities as for girls and others for boys is discrimination. The only reason a 4 year old boy would not want to do a tea party would be because his parents have been working hard to engrain masculinity and the gender binary in them. If you are not living in a world bent on upholding gender differences, there is no need to make any special arrangements for kids of any gender.
How can a 4 year old even have a concept of gender if it does not come from his parents and society's enforcement of gender roles?
The only logical way to get rid of gender discrimination is to get rid of the whole concept of gender, especially with young children.
Seriously, how do you not see that telling a boy that he would not like a tea party because he is not a girl is the exact same thing as telling a girl that she should not do karate because it is for boys or that she should try to make herself attractive to boys.
In this day and age, I find such opinions very scary.

[soso-lynn]

Originally Posted by kamilla626

Haven't you ever gotten together with a group of friends that were all women?

Not as a rule. It may happen that way out of pure randomness but never on purpose.

[amcal]

This is such a stretch I don't even know where to begin.

No one is saying a boy can't enjoy a tea party or that a girl should not do karate. Where in the world did you get that? I said my DD would not enjoy a karate party. And, that's her right.

All that was said is that for this one 2 hour time period there is going to be a party for just girls. That's it. No huge societal implications. Just one little party.

The little boy in question is certainly welcome to invite anyone he wants over for a tea party. But, to have such a sense of entitlement to be outraged and assume that he should be invited to the party, no matter what, is what my issue is. This little girl and her family have the right to have whatever party they want, to invite who ever they want. It has nothing to do with equality.