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wwyd - pedophile and DD - Page 3

post #41 of 86
I'm SO PROUD OF YOU for taking the step to get this pedophile out of your life. Your DD will grow up safe and that is the most important thing out of it all.
post #42 of 86
Thank you so much for choosing to protect your daughter!! I was so relieved when I read your update.
post #43 of 86
This person did things that made you uncomfortable while other people were there right?

This person had no interest in you until you had a DAUGHTER right?

This person would be banned from my home. This person would be told straight up "You groped me as a child, and I will not let you do this to my child. I have decided that you will have no more contact with my daughter. Your visits will have to stop."

You MUST read "Protecting the Gift". Predators prey on the fact that you "don't want to exclude anyone" or seem rude.

If you don't protect your daughter from this person, you're doing her a great disservice. If your dh has noticed, it's time for it to stop NOW.
post #44 of 86
My previous post was 1/2 written, and then I got interrupted and came back. I'm glad you had the conversation (even if by e-mail) with your mom.

Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
I really hope I am doing the right thing. But I care far far more about DD than i do protecting my mom or him.

Thank you so much for the support. DH is also being incredible and supportive, thank god.
Yes, this was the right thing. TRUST your gut.

Physical infirmity doesn't stop someone from being a pedophile. You didn't imagine it in the past, you've just buried it. A child can tell what's inappropriate.

the only other thing I can recommend is that you look into some counseling for yourself so that you can make sense of what happened when you were a child and then get some good strategies for dealing with the rest of the family.
post #45 of 86
Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post

WWYD? I feel like i am putting DD in a roomw ith a bomb that may or may not go off and why do that? Is the relationship with said person that important to her? If I come out with this info this is even more complicated as it will affect my relationship with other family members and consequently dd's

reread and realize o man this is too hard ok its my step dad and he is coming over with my mom not alone. It's not like he just comes over alone to get close to dd he comes over with my mom on her weekly visits that have been happening since dd was born. DH is not home for these weekly visits.
Hugs mama. I know how this feels - it happened to me and even after taking my abuser to court I'm filled with self-doubt.

Pedophiles/abusers count on us doubting ourselves and our instincts. He'll count on your good nature and willingness to believe that his intentions are good. If this hurts and these pent up memories are causing you stress this is not someone who should even be in your life. He's stealing your trust and possibly even counting on the fact that you've forgotten/misinterpreted his actions from the past. You DO remember, those things WERE wrong and I'm sorry, but I don't believe that people with this sickness can change without intervention.

You have a generous heart, I commend you for that. IMHO, this person should be phased out of your life - not allowed back in. It's those subtleties that don't have an outright appearance of impropriety that can leave scars for a lifetime. As they have already for you and I know they have for me.

HUGS, and please think about seeing a counsellor about this to finally process those feelings. It's amazing the damage they do when they sit there unprocessed.
post #46 of 86
I'm so glad you are cutting contact. (I only read that far.)

One possible reason this shook out the way it did is that the hurt child in you a) still fears the shame of the interactions with this person and b) is kind of trying to "make it be all right" (magical thinking) by rewriting history by thinking things like "he wouldn't do anything TO HER" and c) thinking that it was just her/you who was "abuse-worthy." ALL of those scripts are very very understandable, but not a good way to take care of your child.

Good for you for speaking up.
post #47 of 86
Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
well spoke to mom, over the internet as I could not do it in person or on the phone

She did not seem surprised. OF course I will be regarded as the evil horrible person who is taking away this man's joy. He is ill, can not walk well and apparently is losing his eye site and his only joy was seeing my daughter

Well you made your bed... not I.

I guess i can say that if I am wrongfully accusing him or have imagined any abuse that occurred in my past. It is really sad for him, but i am willing to take that risk over the risk of him hurting dd in any way.

I really hope I am doing the right thing. But I care far far more about DD than i do protecting my mom or him.

Thank you so much for the support. DH is also being incredible and supportive, thank god.
You haven't imagined anything mama. You are doing the right thing and are so very courageous. Yes, he may be sick, yes he may be losing his sight. But what he hasn't lost is his past, the things he did, the fact that he took advantage of you and may have even sought out your mother in order to victimize you. This man is an evil man, now an old sick evil man.
post #48 of 86
Don't let him prey on your good heart and nature any longer. You are doing the right thing getting him out of you life and your daughter's life. Share it all with dh and help him to help you protect yourself and your daughter. You ARE strong enough, you must be, for the sake of your little baby!! I am so proud of you!!
post #49 of 86
That is tough and scary. You're doing the right thing.
post #50 of 86
Run away...do not let this person near your dd.
post #51 of 86
Good for you Mama! So proud of you for standing up. You are doing the right thing protecting your baby and yourself.
post #52 of 86
You are doing the right thing. Good for you. I hate that anyone would have to go through this - it must be so hard to confront your mother. Your dd is lucky to have you to stand up for her and protect her. You are SO doing the right hting.
post #53 of 86
Yukookoo, first, I'm so sorry you had to go through that as a child and are having to deal with it again. Second, good for you for standing up and putting a stop to any opportunity for your daughter to be hurt by him. I totally agree with all the other posters. I especially agree with the suggestion for you to read "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin de Becker. It is a must read for every parent and above all implores you to trust your instincts, like you and your dh are.

Curious that your dh would ask if the guy is a pedophile from these visits- your dh is very perceptive and great for protecting you and your daughter. And was your mom not surprised at the idea that her husband did these things to you? I'm sorry to hear that, that must make it even harder to deal with and make sense of what happened to you as a child. I do think you and your daughter could benefit from you going to some counseling.

Good for you for protecting your daughter.
post #54 of 86
Trust your instincts, Mama. You are doing the right thing. Keep this person away from your DD. ((hugs))
post #55 of 86
You rock, mama! Don't ever second guess this choice.
post #56 of 86
You made the right choice, mama.
post #57 of 86
Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
thanks so much everyone! Very helpful to get objective perspective.

Just spoke with DH to let him know. A conversation will be happening with mom sometime today.

He will never be seeing DD again.

post #58 of 86
I just wanted to say that you are doing the right thing. And that this man should have no contact with your daughter. I would consider not having your mom watch her alone either (not that your mom would hurt her or anything, but then this person might have access to your dd if your mom "feels sorry" for this man).

You need to be blunt with your mom and tell her why, and not budge. You are really doing the best thing to protect your little girl. Good mama.
post #59 of 86
Good for you for being so strong. Don't second guess yourself. Not that you should need any other validation that what he did to you was abuse, but look at your DH and your mom's reaction. Your DH picked up that this guy us creepy before you even told him anything. Your mother wasn't surprised when you told her! DOn't let her guilt trip you. She should be the one that feels guilty if she knew this was going on and did nothing to protect you.
post #60 of 86
Good for you Strong Mama!

I would add the suggestion that you see a therapist for YOU...what you describe is abuse and you deserve to have professional support to deal with your feelings, as well as the fallout from the present situation.

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