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wwyd - pedophile and DD - Page 4

post #61 of 86
HUGS!!! i see you've already gotten great advice, but I just wanted to say that its great that you have the courage to step up and protect your dd!!! I can't imagine how hard it will be to do, but you're dd is LUCKY to have a mom that will protect her!!! HUGS!!!
post #62 of 86
You are wonderful, Yukookoo! What an amazing mama your baby has...I got tears in my eyes just reading your post and am sooooooooo very proud of you! BIG
post #63 of 86
Quote:
She did not seem surprised. OF course I will be regarded as the evil horrible person who is taking away this man's joy. He is ill, can not walk well and apparently is losing his eye site and his only joy was seeing my daughter
You know, if she knows his inclinations and knows what he has done, and still pushes you to endanger your own daughter--then *she* is the horrible person. That is not a nice thing to think about your own mother, but colluding with evil or excusing evil also falls in the category of evil.


I am glad you are choosing to cut that man off. You are breaking a cycle and doing what's right by your daughter. It doesn't matter what anyone else says. Even your own mother. You know what he did to you and you saw it happening again with your daughter.
post #64 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by GuildJenn View Post
I'm so glad you are cutting contact. (I only read that far.)

One possible reason this shook out the way it did is that the hurt child in you a) still fears the shame of the interactions with this person and b) is kind of trying to "make it be all right" (magical thinking) by rewriting history by thinking things like "he wouldn't do anything TO HER" and c) thinking that it was just her/you who was "abuse-worthy." ALL of those scripts are very very understandable, but not a good way to take care of your child.

Good for you for speaking up.
very wise.

OP- a million times
please please go and talk to someone about what happened to you. it is worth getting the help to sort this out it even if it was a long long time ago. you are worth it and your child is worth it. boundary things will keep coming up over and over again in different ways because of what you went through.
take care of yourself.
post #65 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
thanks so much everyone! Very helpful to get objective perspective.

Just spoke with DH to let him know. A conversation will be happening with mom sometime today.

He will never be seeing DD again.
I sincerely hope you mean that. You owe him, and anyone who stands by him, NOTHING! You owe your daughter EVERYTHING. s for finding the strength to deal with this.
post #66 of 86
Personally this person would be completely cut out of my life and my dd's life. What they did to you was abuse and I would not give them the chance to do it to my dd. Call me hyper-protective or judgemental or whatever but that is how I feel.
post #67 of 86
What a good mother your daughter has!
I am so glad you chose to take a stand against the cycle of abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
She did not seem surprised. OF course I will be regarded as the evil horrible person who is taking away this man's joy. He is ill, can not walk well and apparently is losing his eye site and his only joy was seeing my daughter
This made me vomit. Literally. Does your mom really think it's alright to let this man have his "joy" this way, just because he is sick? If a convicted thief is dying in prision, should we let him out because he only gets joy from stealing from people?

SERIOUSLY there is just SO MUCH wrong with that. Does this man even DESERVE any joy? It makes me so sick to think that this man's only "joy" comes from being around your daughter. That is not healthy for ANYONE. It is not healthy for him, your mother, you and especially your daughter.

If your mother thinks that way, I would seriously consider not allowing her to have time with your daughter either.

ALSO- you did not imagine anything, especially if your mother was not surprised!

*heavy sigh*
post #68 of 86
It sounds like you know what to do in your heart. Get rid of this person in your life.
post #69 of 86
I am so glad you are cutting off your daughter's contact with him for good. You are absolutely 100% without a doubt doing the right thing. I also agree with the poster who suggested that you consider not giving your mom unsupervised contact with your daughter because it sounds like she is both unsurprised but contrary to this, also mad at you for calling out the behavior and protecting your daughter from it. That indicates she's definitely not seeing things clearly, and wouldn't be able to protect your daughter.

I agree with the folks who said that it sounds like there are some old scripts playing in your head that might deserve to be stripped of their power in therapy.

Either way, you did something both brave and important for your daughter today, and I hope you are proud of yourself for this.
post #70 of 86
I agree with pp's. Keep him out of you and your dd's lives forever. No good will come from any sort of relationship with him.
post #71 of 86
Just wanted to offer more and support. I am so glad you have taken the initiative to keep this man away from you and your daughter- I know it is hard, but please don't doubt your intuition and instinct as a mama! You have to put yourself and your daughter first. I am really glad to hear your DH is on board and offering his support.

As others have stated, please do seek out some counseling to discuss what happened to you. By acknowledging that it happened and that it is not ok, it allows you to protect your daughter, but can also open up a whole lot of confusing feelings for you- please get some support and stay strong, you are doing the best thing for your little girl and for you!!
post #72 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by jeliphish View Post
It would be very innapropriate for you as the mother to allow your child to have any contact with this man. My advice as a fellow MDC member would be to explore why you would even allow this in the first place, and why you are not more angered by this...perhapse some counseling. MY ADVICE AS A CPS INVESTIGATIOR is that this is considered neglegent even if the visits have been "supervised". Your obligation is to your child...period. He is grooming you all over again and grooming you- because he knows you haven't said anything. He is GROOMING YOU to have access to your child, and my expert advice is that his behaviors and tendencies have become more physical, sexual, and violent with time. If someone were to report this to someone- YOU would be the one liable. Please please please reconsider the decisions you are making.
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post #73 of 86
I am so sorry for what you are going through and for what happened to you when you were younger. That said, I cannot believe you are even contemplating allowing your daughter to be in the presence of this person, with or without you there, and have in fact already allowed it! Whoever this person is, they should not have access to you or your daughter. Ever. Your most important job in life is to protect her, period! Don't worry about hurting his feelings.
post #74 of 86
Did your mom know what was happening when you were a kid? Or just found out now via email?

You owe your stepfather NOTHING. Listen to your instincts.

It is not healthy for YOU or your DD to be around this man.

I wouldn't let your mom see your dd outside of your house with both you AND dp home. I worry that she'll try to convince you to let him in the house, or even show up with him - trying to get him in to see your dd. Only let her visit ALONE and with your dp home.

And what makes you doubt that what happened happened?
post #75 of 86
To the two PPs- I know you are responding to the initial post-- However, see OP's update on 12/22/08 in post #20. She states that she has initiated removing all contact with this person and that her husband is being supportive.

OP, I hope everything is going alright and that you have been able to find some support in the midst of all this! Again, I am really happy that you are standing up for yourself and your daughter, however difficult a situation it may be.
post #76 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by greeny View Post
If I were you, I would permanently cut off all contact with said person and NEVER let him around your dd again, supervised or not. Never.

Another vote for this.
post #77 of 86
You are such a strong and courageous mama bear to have made the decision to protect your daughter at all costs. This cannot be easy for you.

I hope you will find some healing in the knowledge that you are protecting your daughter, the way your mother should have protected you. What happened to you was tragic and wrong, but you are a real hero for chosing to end the cycle of abuse in your family.

Your mother has demonstrated that she is unable or unwilling to protect children from a known sexual predator (she "wasn't surprised" that her husband was banned from your house for inappropriately touching a child??) and while it may be painful and awkward right now, I'm sure you have realized that you can't allow your mother to have unsupervised visits with DD, either.

As to the perpetrator of the abuse...he doesn't deserve the "joy" of another child to victimize, he deserves to be in jail where he belongs.
post #78 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
well spoke to mom, over the internet as I could not do it in person or on the phone

She did not seem surprised. OF course I will be regarded as the evil horrible person who is taking away this man's joy. He is ill, can not walk well and apparently is losing his eye site and his only joy was seeing my daughter

Well you made your bed... not I.

I guess i can say that if I am wrongfully accusing him or have imagined any abuse that occurred in my past. It is really sad for him, but i am willing to take that risk over the risk of him hurting dd in any way.

I really hope I am doing the right thing. But I care far far more about DD than i do protecting my mom or him.

Thank you so much for the support. DH is also being incredible and supportive, thank god.
Bolding mine. I only got as far as this post, not sure I can go further. This is making me ill. And I think maybe I am totally confused here??? What I read is that your mom is not surprised her friend is a pedophile? So she probably knows how he treated you in the past, and yet she just doesn't care or what? And you are supposed to feel bad for taking the object of his desires, your DD, away from him? WTH??? And then you write that you feel sad - FOR HIM?!!! Please tell me I am reading this wrong, because otherwise this is sick. If this is true, I wouldn't let my DD, or any child, near this man for any reason whatsoever, and frankly, not my mother either, though if it had to be, then only under completely supervised visits, until my DD was in her mid twenties.

OK, I have just read the last page and it says you have cut off contact to this man. I am sorry if my post seemed so harsh, but I hope you cut him off permanently, and forever. This man has no business around children, at all. And I hope you can get some good counseling, to help you in healing, for yourself.
post #79 of 86
Yukookoo, it seems like lots of people are responding to your original post. I'm so relieved you've cut off contact and I'm hoping that as time has gone on you've become more sure of your decision and sure of what you went through.

I've been there, I know how easy it is to doubt/blame yourself.

Hope you're keeping the whole family safe and sending lots of s.
post #80 of 86
I just want to give you big (hugs).

I've worked with a lot of families where there was incest and what your sd did would qualify as that. Check out www.rainn.org for resources and to locate counseling.

Of course this would be hard to deal with. It's a nightmare. (gone thru it with my sister and a relative of ours)

In families where this occurs there is a lie that must be maintained. That the touching is not happening and that everything is ok and normal. To keep it's balance the perpetrator and their partners will pull all kinds of tricks to make the victim feel like they are the crazy one or the bad one.

He is the one responsible here.

Get support. Tell someone. Get Counseling and keep him far, far from your precious dd.

Pedophiles-by nature are proflific abusers who have an irresisitible urge and often really do believe they love children. They may be attracted to one specific age and gender (or not) They are often in relationships with another consenting adult. But anyhow, if he is a "pedophile" it's like putting an addictive substance in front of an addict. Why chance it?

Is your dd the same age you were at the time he abused you? Why the sudden interest? I would be alarmed. It can take awhile for someone to sufficiently "Groom" a child and he may be in that process. If he hasn't gotten help it's unlikely he wouldn't repeat the behavior.

It's understandable though that you've had to make all sorts of concessions to grow up in that family. To whatever extent you can limit his access to you and your dd, I urge you to Get help doing that. You will heal and you don't want to risk your precious child being harmed by this man.
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