I'm ambivalent about Santa and looking for perspective - Page 2

[Justice2]

Originally Posted by elizawill

i wasn't traumatized either. honestly, when i meet adults who did not celebrate santa, more times than not - they say they wished they had. i have yet to meet an adult IRL though who is upset that they did santa growing up. (IRL - i need to say that because inevitibly someone is about to post with their terrible story, lol).

It wasn't a horrible story!! But I do wish that my parents would have been honest with me because I think we were all mortified the night I found out the truth and there was much stammering and covering up and it was due to that night that I didn't want to do Santa with my children.

[elizawill]

Originally Posted by Justice2

It wasn't a horrible story!! But I do wish that my parents would have been honest with me because I think we were all mortified the night I found out the truth and there was much stammering and covering up and it was due to that night that I didn't want to do Santa with my children.

well, i agree with you. honestly, if i had terrible santa memories or viewed the santa myth as a fat man breaking in, lol...well i would not do it either my experience has shaped me differently. i think people can *not* do santa btw and still have a wonderful magical christmas. i was trying to point out IRL, i've yet to meet someone that was peeved about the *lie*. ykwim?

[AugustineM]

I have very amazing, magical memories of Santa. My parents did "do" Santa and talked about him a lot around Christmas time. I vividly remember thinking I heard sleigh bells on our rooftop, and staring outside for a long time, wondering if I'd see santa and his sleigh overhead. I also remember just figuring it out eventually, that my parents were Santa. I don't remember at all being angry about the "lie" and I don't think I saw it like that. I think I understood why people believe in Santa and why parents play Santa. I remember actually hiding it from my parents that I knew that they were santa, and playing along with it with my younger brother because I still wanted to keep that magic alive.

Really, it's the only time in my life that I remember actually believing in something magical, and the memory is so incredibly powerful and special to me.

When my son asks about Santa I just always say, "It's magic. Santa's magic." And I know that eventually he'll figure out that we're Santa, but I hope that he experiences some of the magic that I did. There isn't another good chance in life to believe in magic... unless you pretend faries or gnomes are living among us.

[Mrs_Hos]

Please forgive me if this comes off harsh--it's not meant to.
But I don't understand when parents are SO freaked about 'lying' to their child. I have on MANY occasions lied to my dd for her 'happiness.'
Examples:
"Yes, sweetie, I love the outfit you picked out!"
"Of course you can wear 25 barrettes in your hair! It looks wonderful!"
"Mommy isn't crying...I'm just getting something out of my eye."
"Your cat ran away to play with the coyotes." (when really, we're pretty sure he was eaten by them...)

I really don't see why we need to be honest to a child when it isn't in their best interest. Is it important for my child to know I'm so sad I can't restrain my tears? Is it important for her to know her cat was mauled by coyotes? Is it important for her to know what is 'socially acceptable' at age 5-6 when it comes to fashion?
Is it important to tell her the truth all the time even if it means seclusion from her peers...or taking away a fun, magical event--that is depicted throughout our culture?
In my (humble) opinion, I do not consider this a lie anymore than I consider it a lie when I say "Don't worry honey, if there is a fire I will protect you, if someone breaks in I will protect you," etc...even though I know I can't PROMISE that. BUT...it eases my child's mind and makes her feel safer and happier during this short chapter in her life called childhood.

[Sasharna]

Well, I am one of the ones who took it hard.

What I believe my mother did wrong was that she refused to tell me the truth when I asked about Santa outright. She insisted on saying things that she felt were technically not lies, such as "I believe in Santa" "Santa is real to me" etc. This is what I consider to be the real lie. It was very hard on me to make logical observations about the impossibility of the Santa story and then be told repeatedly by my trusted mother than my observations were incorrect and that Santa was "real".

Another mistake she made was that she didn't consider who I was as an individual. I am a very literal-minded, methodical person and always have been. My more emotional and imaginative siblings got over Santa with no problems. My father had tried to voice his concerns about the way she was approaching Santa with me (as he is just like me in this regard), but mom brushed him off as a wet blanket.

I think it's best to treat Santa like any other foray into the imaginary. Pretending to be a pirate with your kids while they're having fun with that game is great. Insisting you're actually Long John Silver for 10 years while your children are clearly confused and worried ... not so much.

You can be a fun parent AND a trustworthy parent. Just tell the truth when your child wants real answers.

[phathui5]

We do Santa without the "you'd better be good or you won't get any presents". Santa brings presents no strings attached.

Same here.

That said, if she discovers there are mall Santas and wants to visit one, I'm going to tell her they aren't real Santa 'cause I'm not paying for a stupid photo.

We've visited the mall Santa without getting the picture ever since the kids started asking to. You don't have to even have them take the picture, just go talk to Santa if that's what she wants to do.

[Shanana]

Very interesting to hear everyone's perspectives . I honestly don't remember when I figured out Santa wasn't real. I figured it out on my own, but didn't tell my parents. I think it was more because I didn't want to disappoint them, though. I didn't come from a very healthy family .

I ended up bringing it up with dd1 in a very open-ended way. I asked her if she thought Santa was going to bring her anything, and she said yes, he was going to bring her a card with a picture of him in a helicopter . There's a reason for that ... one of the times she saw Santa was when we were in the airport coming back from visiting my grandfather 2 weeks ago. There was a Santa making the rounds, and he handed out a little paper thing with a maze, a spot for coloring, etc., and it did have a picture of Santa in a helicopter!

So after the kids went to bed, we put out all the gifts (we didn't get many), but had all of them except one be from us. We got each girl a sled, and we said those were from Santa. Oh, and a cookie for dd1, since that's what she said she wanted from Santa every time someone asked .

So the next morning we said the sleds were from Santa and that was the end of it. But today she was talking to mil on the phone (ILs are south for the winter), and she told mil that Santa brought her a sled while she was sleeping. Which I actually thought was really cute and sweet .

So that's how we handled it, and I guess we'll just keep playing it by ear and see how it develops as she gets older. I looked at the book recommended by a pp and wow does it look cool! Too bad it's for older kids ... it would be great to be able to read that to children who are still young enough to believe!

[momofsage]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

I don't view it as lying. I view it as pretending. There's a difference, and my kids can tell the difference.

I don't mean to sound snarky--I am genuinely asking because I am unclear on the question--but if the parent is pretending but the kid doesn't explicitly know this, how is that not lying?

I'm with the camp that can't bring myself to lie about it, despite my having nothing but positive Santa experiences as a child. We talk about it as pretend, too, and we still tell the Santa story (and the Santa Mouse story). But our holiday is really not much about presents, anyway, so it's not a central concern. (We celebrate Xmas as sort of an extension of the Solstice.)

I'm really grateful to hear everyone's take on this question, as it's been hard to negotiate it myself.

[Girlprof]

Originally Posted by elizawill

we do santa here. my kids love it! i have no regrets either. the only thing we do that is different from others we know, is santa only brings one gift. i feel this keeps the focus on the magical aspect, and not the consumerism of santa. we don't put ANY gifts under the tree until the kids are asleep though. it makes it feel like a WOW experience this way. ....but only one gift is from santa, the rest our from dh & i, siblings, and other family members. even the stocking is from us. anyway. good luck with whatever you do.


oh, and we don't do naughty and nice either. santa is giving gifts as a celebration for the birth of christ (yea, we're christian). anyway... have fun whatever you do!

This is much in line with what we do also. Santa fills the stockings and brings one significant gift. Grown-ups get stockings too. Other gifts are from us. I love Santa, actually.

[Girlprof]

Originally Posted by Sasharna

Well, I am one of the ones who took it hard.

What I believe my mother did wrong was that she refused to tell me the truth when I asked about Santa outright. She insisted on saying things that she felt were technically not lies, such as "I believe in Santa" "Santa is real to me" etc. This is what I consider to be the real lie. It was very hard on me to make logical observations about the impossibility of the Santa story and then be told repeatedly by my trusted mother than my observations were incorrect and that Santa was "real".

Another mistake she made was that she didn't consider who I was as an individual. I am a very literal-minded, methodical person and always have been. My more emotional and imaginative siblings got over Santa with no problems. My father had tried to voice his concerns about the way she was approaching Santa with me (as he is just like me in this regard), but mom brushed him off as a wet blanket.

I think it's best to treat Santa like any other foray into the imaginary. Pretending to be a pirate with your kids while they're having fun with that game is great. Insisting you're actually Long John Silver for 10 years while your children are clearly confused and worried ... not so much.

You can be a fun parent AND a trustworthy parent. Just tell the truth when your child wants real answers.

This is helpful. My DH is another who resented the "lie" and you've hit the nail on the head. The problem was that his parents didn't 'fess up when he asked. Then he was teased for believing in Santa on the playground. He now has a very ambivalent attitude toward Santa, which is too bad as I *loved* having Santa and definitely prolonged the magic in my own mind past the point when I was pretty sure my parents were Santa. I will use this story the next time DH and I discuss Santa. I do hope we have a few more years of believing out of my son, who just turned 5.