how do I give the naughy child presents???

[starbound25]

so DD#1 has been awful this past week, I feel like she already is so smart she knows that even though she's bad she will still get presents because its christmas

how the he** do I give this kid presents for christmas when she is literally being awful, right now she is throwing a fit in the kitchen because I said she has to wait to go outside

if I only give her like 1/2 her gifts that will another fit that day because she has 2 sisters and they all have equal gifts

I am at my wits end with her and dont know what to do about this!

EDIT: ok I've calmed down some now, I went outside and did some shoveling while she had a fit in her room
of course I will give her gifts at christmas, and we dont do the whole "be good santa's watching" that creeps me out, and I dont think of her as a naughty kid, I think of her as an amazing strong personalitied child who has lots of naughty episodes, she is just quite drastic, every emotion and part of her personality is extreme, extreme sweetness and extreme anger, almost rage at times, thats just her, always has been
breathing deep over here, we stress so much that christmas is about family and love and try to convey that more than gifts anyway, oh well thanks for listening!!

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I think lots of kids little go through "awful" right about this time of year. Think about it -- schedules get thrown off, parents get stressed, strangers all of a sudden want to ask every kid about Christmas, stores are crowded, there are more sweets around than normal... Why are earth would we expect kids to take in stride what we react badly to?

I've never liked tieing gifts to behavior. We've really downplayed the connection to "being good" and "getting stuff". We give gifts because it makes us feel good to GIVE them. We get gifts because people like to give. Of course, that also helps us to see that the reverse is true as well -- when things don't go our way its not because we are bad.

Work to reduce your stress level, to keep the kid's schedule as regular as possible, and things overall as consistant as possible. Cut everyone some slack for time of year trials -- especially yourself.

[LynnS6]

You give gifts because you love your children, even when they're "rotten". You deal with the behavior separately. It sounds to me like she's majorly overstimulated.

Do you really want your daughter to think that you love her conditionally? That only if she's good that she'll earn your love and your gifts? Of course not (I hope).

My sister used to call the week before Christmas HE** week because her kids were so on edge. Ages 4-5 seem to be the worst for this. After that, they begin to get some modicum of self control. But the anticipation of presents, the messing up of the normal routine because of holiday events and the added sugar/whatever in their diets is a recipe for disaster.

Make sure they get enough outside time. As hard as it is, try to spend 30 minutes a day where SHE leads the play to reconnect. Maybe have her help you plan out the next several days so she knows what to expect. Are there any teenagers in the neighborhood who can come over and play with your kids while you take a long hot bubble bath? or a walk?

Just remember only 2 more days until Christmas! I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

[sunnmama]

Yes, my dd's behavior always plummets at the holidays....and right before a vacation or guests arrive....any time there is stress and excitement and change. Some kids are just really sensitive to all of that, and it comes out behaviorally.

You give her gifts because you love her, and you want her to have a nice memory of the holiday. Five years from now, you will remember her bright face on Christmas morning, not the misbehavior that preceded it.

[annettemarie]

Coming from a spiritual point of view Jesus didn't give Himself to us because we were "good". It was precisely because of our "naughtiness" that He was born. I try to tell myself this over and over and over again, especially when I want to yell at my kids

I hate the idea of that gift-giving is tied to whether or not we behave well enough.

[pixiekisses]

Are you kidding me?
It's like absurd to read this.
Of course the kids get presents, no matter what. You deal with other things seperatly.
Santa isn't real, and it would really be an awful thing to not give the kids presents bc of other things.

It's a saying that says something like: "love me the most, when I deserve it the least". (Bc that's when you need to be loved most. I'm not a fan of the saying, but it fitted in here.)

[Leilalu]

I agree with Lynn.
Also, I think you should not make a big deal about gifts. If it were me(this week has been a little hard) I would try to not even talk about Christmas but just about behavior and what you coudl do too correct it. Maybe ask her what you could do each time she throws a fit? Or maybe each time it happens, just remind her that that is not a way of getting you to do things, but leave out presents entirely. Presents are something you do each year to show love, not just something reflective of current behavior. This is my main beef with the whole santa thing and why we don't invite him to our celebrations. To me, he represents the spirit of conditional love.

So, if she persists, I might try restricting certain privelages, or other natural consequences, but the whole gift or no gift/naughty or nice thing is probably overkill and could set a negative association with the holidays.

[karemore]

Holiday gifts aren't given because children are well behaved. There's not a child out there who has behaved perfectly through the whole year.

Most children who celebrate the holidays are a bit nutty right now. Or maybe it's the weather, I know we've been house bound for 5 days due to snow and bitter cold.

Take a deep breath, and remember how wonderful she is the rest of the time.

[AllyRae]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

You give gifts because you love your children, even when they're "rotten". You deal with the behavior separately. It sounds to me like she's majorly overstimulated.

YES! Christmas gifts are gifts because you love and appreciate her, not because she has acted in a way that meets particular standards. That's why I *hate* all of the Santa stuff..my little guy almost made himself sick last week because some random person asked if he was good enough for Santa to leave presents. He knows he has rough days and he was worried sick that he wouldn't get presents because "Santa would think he was naughty". I had to spend a lot of time convincing him that he'll still have gifts under the tree no matter how he was, because the presents weren't bribery to act good.

[Eliseatthebeach]

It's Christmas....give your child her presents no matter what.

[AllyRae]

Might I also suggest that you not call her "the naughty child"--that may taint the way *you* see her right now. Maybe it'd help you if you thought of her as a wonderful child who is just having some naughty behavior right now....

[annettemarie]

Also, your child is not "naughty". She may be displaying "naughty" behavior, but it's good to label the actions and not the child.

[34me]

I finally figured out with my "naughty" boy that it was the anticipation of anything exciting that unleashed him. It didn't matter if it was the holidays, birthday or an anticipated trip his behavior was less than steller leading up to it. Once I figured that out, it changed how I prepared him for it and it has gotten better over the years. He's 12 now and does a lot better.

[LionTigerBear]

I don't think that a 7-year-old can BE bad or naughty. I think that children this age can ACT naughty when they are feeling off-center and insecure. I would draw her closer to you and spend some special bonding time together. "Court" her back into being parent-centered again (a la "Hold On To Your Kids" by Gordon Neufeld-- GREAT book). When you are her guide and she is focused on her bond with you, she will feel secure and want to please you and she won't act "naughty" anymore. Deal with her specific inappropriate behaviors for what they are, individually, and don't add them up together or make them her identity. Look deeper and see what her current needs are. Let her know that you love her even when she's acting "bad".

And by all means, don't use the presents as a bargaining chip.

[flapjack]

We're there too, and it really does feel like I'm rewarding him for throwing tantrums and making his family feel like crap One small glimmer of light is that despite the fact that he's being obnoxious +++ he's actually slipping up and being normal, even nice, more frequently, and i have more opportunities to reward him for being a civilised human being.

[pixiekisses]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

Also, your child is not "naughty". She may be displaying "naughty" behavior, but it's good to label the actions and not the child.

Yes, indeed. That too. No kid is naughty.

[Ruthla]

I would never tie holiday gift-giving in with behavior. The two are simply not connected.

Deal with her behavior, as it happens, completely separately from the issue of giving gifts. They've already been purchased, and likely wrapped as well.

It looks like your oldest child is only 5 years old? That's still very, very young. Try to make sure she eats well and gets enough sleep. Has she been eating any artificially colored treats lately? Those things set off all 3 of my kids, although my middle child reacts the worst. One cookie after dinner won't mess up my kids' behavior, but if it has colored sprinkles on it? Forget it! Two of my kids will have bad behavior from that for several hours, and the third will react for several DAYS!!!! It's also possible that your 5yo is acting badly because she's coming down with a cold.

You sound angry and frustrated and a little burnt out right now. Try to find little ways to nurture yourself so you can be more "giving" to your kids.

[LionTigerBear]

Originally Posted by 34me

I finally figured out with my "naughty" boy that it was the anticipation of anything exciting that unleashed him. It didn't matter if it was the holidays, birthday or an anticipated trip his behavior was less than steller leading up to it. Once I figured that out, it changed how I prepared him for it and it has gotten better over the years. He's 12 now and does a lot better.

There is a concept I read about some years ago in a GD book called "Smart Love" which attempts to address this kind of phenomenon. The authors (one is a pyschologist or psychiatrist) offer the theory that children who are feeling insecure feel very uncomfortable with special days and treats and so forth-- Christmas would fit the bill-- and so they act out because they feel that they need to be unhappy/be punished when faced with such a big treat which they feel they don't deserve.

The solution, if that were the case, would be to work on your child's sense of self-worth, their confidence in your love of them, and thus their emotional security in general. Let them know specifically that you think they deserve this treat and that you are excited to treat the to the experience of Christmas.

Punishing them more would only regenerate the whole cycle of low-self-worth and insecurity and wanting to be punished, and Christmas day would turn out to be quite a let-down for everyone because the insecure child would probably be a grumpy party-pooper for most of the day.

[Cutie Patootie]

My 5yo is over the top "behaviorally" these past couple of weeks. I would never dream of holding back gifts. We don't ever associate "naughty/nice" with giving gifts of love. We don't actually ever associate "naughty/bad/good" words at all. I'm trying my best to be patient with him and I have been having a hard time of it as well. He is dealing with a lot for a 5yo though. We have a new baby coming right after Christmas, grandma has been here watching the kids while dh and I got some much needed work done. It's Christmas and exciting. People are visiting, we are running around, they are eating more crud than usual. He's overwhelmed, throwing tantrums(something he NEVER does) and we have been neglecting his fish oil and vitamins. : I would highly recommend the "fish oil" if it's not something you are already doing. It a wondrous mood stabilizer and we notice a huge difference when our kids are not taking it. Nordic Naturals "jr dha" is the best.

I really agree that the gifts and the behavior are two separate issues. If you want to teach her about being grateful and unselfish, have her help collect some of her unplayed with toys and give stuff away to kids who don't have anything.

[Murihiku]

DH saw this thread and suggested that if you do connect presents with behaviour you could say

"Santa gave you so many presents because he knows how lovely you're going to be this coming year."

Having said that, I'm with everyone else: gifts are unconditional. The only reason I would withhold Christmas gifts from a child is if that child had found and deliberately destroyed his or her sibling's or family member's Christmas gifts before the big day.