Advice on choosing a donor - is using each other's brother a good option?

[citygirl144]

Hi, I am new to this site and very pleased to have found it. My partner and I are going to start TTC in 2009 and are starting the process of finding a KD. We would be open to a sperm bank but think it's too expensive and so are first going to try the KD route. Ideally, we each want to carry one baby. We both have brothers and I noticed on this site a few people who have mentioned using their partner's brother as a KD. This is appealing for many reasons but I'm worried it is too much like incest / crosses too many boundaries / is very complicated. I would love to hear from anyone who has done it about their experiences. In general, I would also like to hear from people who used KDs about how long the period of negotiating / doing health tests / drawing up contracts etc. took. Finally, if anyone out there lives in Brooklyn, NY and would like to meet up in RL, I'd love to hear from you.
Happy Holidays and thanks a lot.

[Raene]

I didn't personally do it, but I think it would be ideal. I mean, honestly then the kids are related to both of you...what more could one ask for? I was for it, but DP has a really bad relationship with the brother, so that wasn't going to happen. But honestly if there would have been any way to sneak some of his sperm, I would have. Lol.

[citygirl144]

Thanks for your message- I agree it is so appealing to have our kids be related to both of us. I'm worried though that it might be confusing for the kids to have these uncles in their lives that are actually their birth fathers. I don't worry about this for some reason with a non-relative KD, but considering that 1) we are very close with our families and spend lots of time with them, and 2) our families are fairly liberal and well-meaning, but i just envision there would be awkward teasing, questions, comments about how my brother/her brother have"great sperm" etc...how to deal with something like that? my family is always saying a little too much, if you know what i mean. I wonder how other people have navigated this?

[carmen358]

I considered using DP's brother as our donor in the past but decided against it. First off, I didn't think he would say yes. Secondly, and more important to me, I thought it would create some confusion for DP and for the child. I don't have any particular reason for thinking that - it was just a feeling I got. DP is close to her brother and it may be weird for her to spend lots of time with the child around him knowing that he's the bio parent. I am not a parent yet but I think if I was the non-bio mom I would feel a bit confused by that and possibly have mixed emotions. However, I do get that if it's important for both parents to be biologically related to the child then it can be an ideal situation.

We chose an old friend of mine. It didn't take us very long to negotiate, etc. as I had previously spoken to him years ago about wanting a baby some day and he actually volunteered. I'd say it took about 2 months of talking about it and thinking about it before we started.

[heart-n-bones]

We're using DP's brother. It was very important to me to not have an anonymous donor because I want my child to have a relationship with his/her father and for that man to be involved in my child's life. We were very clear with brother-in-law that we wanted him to surrender all rights to the child so that DP could adopt and that we would be the one's raising the child and not him. He was totally cool with that. He has never wanted to raise a child, but likes the idea of being involved in a child's life. I expect we will encourage the child to call him dad, instead of uncle. And I don't think it will be anymore confusing than other family relaitonship configurations that exist today. It's all about how you talk to the child about it - honesty and positivity.

So far, it's mostly going well. Baby's not here yet. The only snag is that brother-in-law is being a chicken about telling their family (meaning, their mother) that he is the father. Mother-in-law has been less than pleased with our decision to have a child and he's more than happy to sit back and let us take the heat for awhile. We agreed at the beginning to wait to tell her until he was ready. So we wait... but we told him he has to tell her before the baby's baptism (which will be one month after birth).

[prettyisa]

anyone with older kids?

We're thinking of asking my partner's brother to be our donor, but have been running into the same kinds of issues--namely, her mother is freaked out by the whole thing and thinks the kid would be really confused. Complicating things a touch is the fact that her brother is 25, but not married or dating anyone. Does anyone have older children in this situation? How have they handled a "super-uncle"? Does it make thanksgiving dinner really awkward? Has anyone's donor gotten a partner after the fact who is freaked out by the whole thing, or do they tend to take it in stride? He's the only brother on both sides (I have a step-brother) so he'll be the only uncle in that family anyway, if that makes a difference.

[Monarchgrrl]

We were thinking about doing it, but things changed. We wanted to use my brother's for her, but he was killed this year and was my only sibling. We still wanted to use her brother's for me but since it couldn't be balanced with DNA from my family, we decided against it. The option of using my cousin's is there, but I think we've decided to go with anonymous donor sperm. My DW has issues with a known donor being "known" by the child, as in "that's my dad".

I also agree with the PP- I think it's ideal to have the child be biologically related to both partners. It's VERY important to my DW, so we've decided for me to carry her egg and then later, me carry my own. That way we each have a biological child and I get to give birth twice, whereas she's not really into that. We'll see if our plan manifests in a couple of years.

[Smithie]

"I''m worried though that it might be confusing for the kids to have these uncles in their lives that are actually their birth fathers."

I have a friend whose brother is really her biodad - he knocked up his college girlfriend and his parents adopted the resulting baby. As far as I can tell, there's zero confusion. He treated her like an older brother, she loves him like an older brother, period, end of story. He married and had children and he's the father to those children, and she's the aunt.