or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Unable to cope with my girls...
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Unable to cope with my girls... - Page 2

post #21 of 29
OP -- another big hug, and another thumbs-up to you for identifying the issues you need to work on, and for coming here and being so open to everyone's help and suggestions!

Just thought I'd throw that back in there, because some of the posters are coming across (at least to me) as if they don't realize the reason you're sharing all this is that you already realize these are problems you need to work on.

I don't know about anyone else, but after I've just bared my soul and shared some things that I perceive as major flaws within myself, it just doesn't help to have people responding with comments like, "Well, I just don't 'get' why you would have that flaw, because I don't have that flaw at all."

It's okay not to "get" someone else's flawed way of thinking -- but if there's something we don't get, why not just let the people who do get it comment on that particular thing, and save our comments for the areas where we're able to have some empathy???

I just don't "get" commenting on problems that we're personally not able to feel any empathy for.
post #22 of 29
I don't have many suggestions to help you at the moment, but I do have some empathy. I don't know what it's like to have daughters (beyond observations and my imagination), but I do know what it's like to feel more comfortable caring for boys. I have a more traditionally "male" thought pattern and personality type and I've always felt more at home with men than with women, and so on. As a teacher I did care very much for my girly girl students but I effortlessly understood my boy and "tomboy" students. I would like to have a girl child someday, but I will admit I breathed sighs of relief as soon as I saw boy parts on my sons' ultrasounds.

I think it was brave of you to admit how you feel about this. You sound like you are smart and determined and I feel confident that you will come up with solutions for all these troubles... but I understand that you've found yourself outside of your area of expertise. I think you are wise to acknowledge that this will take a lot of dedication and adaptation on your part. It's really good that you love these kids, because that will give you the strength you need to problem-solve all along the way.

BTW, like you, I find I am "touched out" very easily. One suggestion I would give you is to make the effort to initiate closeness with your girls at times when you are not over-stimulated. That way they will be secure in the knowledge that you do enjoy their presence and it will be easier for them to cope when you must have a bit of time without being touched. Also, don't be afraid to let them know, gently, that you are going to need to be alone for a while before you get overwhelmed. I know that sometimes with my DS I have ended up waiting too long when I know I am being touched too much (hoping I can handle more than I truly can), and I've ended up snapping at him... where if I'd only said something 60 seconds sooner, I could have done it calmly.

I'd also recommend not putting up with the whining. Your DSD has been through a lot of heartache and deserves compassion and a good listening ear when she is talking about her feelings (which it sounds like you recognize) but there's no need to let her engage in behavior that takes such an emotional toll on everybody around her. If I were in your shoes, I would try keeping my own voice very gentle as much as possible, and then telling her "I will listen to you when your voice sounds like mine" when the whining starts. The average five year old girl will indeed become a whiny drama queen if she is allowed to do so, but that isn't the way it has to be.

As for the ILs... they are obviously an unhealthy influence. I would be firm about where they're not allowed to tread (for instance undermining your requests or dictating who can touch your belly!) and if I was still disrespected, I would pack up everybody then and there, and go home. (Best to discuss this with Jose ahead of time.)
post #23 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post
OP -- another big hug, and another thumbs-up to you for identifying the issues you need to work on, and for coming here and being so open to everyone's help and suggestions!

Just thought I'd throw that back in there, because some of the posters are coming across (at least to me) as if they don't realize the reason you're sharing all this is that you already realize these are problems you need to work on.

I don't know about anyone else, but after I've just bared my soul and shared to have people responding with comments like, "Well, I just don't 'get' why you would have that flaw, because I don't have that flaw at all."
some things that I perceive as major flaws within myself, it just doesn't help
It's okay not to "get" someone else's flawed way of thinking -- but if there's something we don't get, why not just let the people who do get it comment on that particular thing, and save our comments for the areas where we're able to have some empathy???

I just don't "get" commenting on problems that we're personally not able to feel any empathy for.
Thank you for saying this. She needed to hear it.
post #24 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post
I don't know about anyone else, but after I've just bared my soul and shared some things that I perceive as major flaws within myself, it just doesn't help to have people responding with comments like, "Well, I just don't 'get' why you would have that flaw, because I don't have that flaw at all."

It's okay not to "get" someone else's flawed way of thinking -- but if there's something we don't get, why not just let the people who do get it comment on that particular thing, and save our comments for the areas where we're able to have some empathy???

I just don't "get" commenting on problems that we're personally not able to feel any empathy for.
Eh. This is a discussion board, not a therapy session. If you don't want a variety of responses, be sure to include a "support only" disclaimer.

Perhaps you mean sympathy, and not empathy?
post #25 of 29
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
As someone who was raised by a woman who doesn't like other women/girls, I have to say you need to do something about that before you take on the role of being their stepmother.

The damage you're going to do will follow them forever. It's great that you recognize it, but it's up to you to get it taken care of without blaming them for your problem.

Count me in as another one who doesn't get the whole queen concept.

My dsd was taught at an early age that all women are your enemy, and I don't know what it's going to take to un-convince her of that. Please don't teach your dsds the same thing. It just perpetuates the cycle of women tearing each other down.
I want to explain the queen thing. I guess it's more or less not wanting attitude in my own home. I guess it is control.

Things have gotten better over the last few weeks. I do have expectations of all of them when it comes to chores (except my 20 month old). They are to clean up their toys and put trash in a trash can. Make their beds and put their dirty clothes in a hamper and dishes in the sink.

I am trying to adjust to taking care of 2 more children and it's hard. I guess I really am not sure what to expect from them or what I CAN realistically expect from them.

We all had a talk about the "mommy" thing and I told them that Torre may be a better choice, but the keep calling me mommy and I am not going to say anything further.

It is getting much easier to deal with Aaliyah, she respects me a lot more already and also is very sweet and lovey. Which I enjoy. I have no problem really being lovey with Abrielle (who is biologically mine) which I think is totally normal seeing as they are not my children and I have not been in their lives forever.

As for my own issues, I am trying. I know I am responsible for them and the way they will see themselves later. I enjoy them more and more everyday as I learn how to interact with other girls.

Please understand I was TORMENTED in school by other girls. Physically and emotionally and sexually abused by my peers on a regular basis, all other females. I learned to stay away from them. So it is natural that I have no idea how to interact with other females.

THanks everyone for your advice.
post #26 of 29
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mytwogirls View Post
I was going to say the same thing. I think this was said excellent.
Also, I do not need to be the "queen" in the sense that you are all thinking. I have given up many aspects of my prior life (my job, single life and friends) and put a lot of MY own dreams on hold. I do unselfishly love my children. ALL OF THEM. I think it is pretty unselfish to give up my career to stay at home with children who are not biologically mine that have any array of emotional issues because I truly love their father and in turn, love them as well. I have never said anything mean to any of them other than disciplining them on certain behavior. I may not make the best decisions about disciplining them sometimes but i try and I am learning.

I have just barely adjusted to parenting a 20 month old. There is a big gap in 20 months and 5. Also, I have been the most unselfish female figure in their lives, thus far. Their mom wlaked out on them when they were 2 and 3 and left DF to fend for himself. She paid no child support and still doesn't. The divorce may JUST be getting finalized but they have not been together for over 3 years. The children have not regularly seen their mom for those 3 years either.
post #27 of 29
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post
OP -- another big hug, and another thumbs-up to you for identifying the issues you need to work on, and for coming here and being so open to everyone's help and suggestions!

Just thought I'd throw that back in there, because some of the posters are coming across (at least to me) as if they don't realize the reason you're sharing all this is that you already realize these are problems you need to work on.

I don't know about anyone else, but after I've just bared my soul and shared some things that I perceive as major flaws within myself, it just doesn't help to have people responding with comments like, "Well, I just don't 'get' why you would have that flaw, because I don't have that flaw at all."

It's okay not to "get" someone else's flawed way of thinking -- but if there's something we don't get, why not just let the people who do get it comment on that particular thing, and save our comments for the areas where we're able to have some empathy???

I just don't "get" commenting on problems that we're personally not able to feel any empathy for.

It's ok. I guess it could be hard for some people to understand. It's ok, really, I expected it a little bit.
post #28 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by NaturalMindedMomma View Post

Please understand I was TORMENTED in school by other girls. Physically and emotionally and sexually abused by my peers on a regular basis, all other females. I learned to stay away from them. So it is natural that I have no idea how to interact with other females.

I interact with women the same way I do with men. I know the type of women you are talking about, but I'm trying to teach my dsd not to be one of them and not to fall into their manipulative traps when she meets them. Sure, nasty women exist, but there are nasty men, too. The dynamic is different because historically men have usually had more power so they don't bully in groups as often as women do, and that is where the anti-woman thing comes from. I think when women have achieved true equality we won't see this behavior as much, because the women who do this are telegraphing how weak they feel that they have to have a group to back them up, yk? To me that's the only difference I've ever noticed in male and female bullies, males bully alone, females bully in groups. YMMV

I've experienced some of the same things you have, I'm just trying to attack the problem from a different angle. I can't control how other people raise their daughters, but I can try to teach mine not to be one of those fearful, back-stabbing women who think that's the way to gain power, and hopefully not be so concerned with being nice that she tolerates a bunch of abuse from either sex.
post #29 of 29
Thread Starter 
Thats just it. I FEEL SO HELPLESS with them!!! (my girls). I guess the problem is, I am truly learning as I go as a parent.

Like I said I am adjusting and doing much better and really trying to lighten up and enjoy them, it's just hard some days.

something I do have to say, today DF and I got into a fight and I started crying. My 5 year old DSD came up to me and said, "mommy, did daddy hurt your feelings?" I said Yes, pumpkin. She hugged me and didn't let go until I stopped crying. My dd who is 20 months even came up to me and asked me to hold her too. It was sweet. I realized how much love and joy I can take from the relationship and how much I can give back to them. They made me smile today and more and more, I can let go of what happened to me and who I used to be...
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Unable to cope with my girls...