or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Dear Polite Offender,
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Dear Polite Offender, - Page 5

post #81 of 132
Quote:
Originally Posted by SuzanneDeAz View Post
I remember reading about that some time ago. Does it really work? Those who do this are the babies without diapers?
We have done it and we now have a child who uses the toilet. Most children will use the toilet sooner or later though so the difference is that EC'd babies and children avoid sitting or lying in their own waste for any length of time. There is an Elimination Communication forum here on MDC in Diapering if you want to see how people are doing it.
post #82 of 132
I have big family envy! If I wasn't almost 42, I'd go for at least 2 more kids and have 4...*heck! 5 would be amazing!
If I ran into you I'd tell you I admire you & your family!
post #83 of 132
Quote:
Originally Posted by DoulaSarah View Post

You have to understand, those of you with minimal children, that there is nothing wrong with a large family, although five isn't large.

Sarah B. mother of five horrible nasty rotten earth ruiners
I understand you are angry, and I am not trying to take this personally as a parent of one, but what is up with that comment?
I sure have never gone around spounting about my small family being better than a large family. Or that there is something wrong with large families.
must you retaliate by makinng snide comments about small family sizes?

and I know when you mentioned carbon footprint, you specifically refered to just the PO, but I have always gone to bat for the side that maintains a large and environmentally family is better for the planet than a small unfriendly one. So have many people here on this board.
post #84 of 132
Quote:
Originally Posted by Close2Me View Post
I have big family envy! If I wasn't almost 42, I'd go for at least 2 more kids and have 4...*heck! 5 would be amazing!
If I ran into you I'd tell you I admire you & your family!
I am a small family--1 child. but for whatitsworth, I had my son at 43..and I would have gone for second at 45 but I was nervous about our finances...but don't let age scare you....

hugs
post #85 of 132
Quote:
Originally Posted by DoulaSarah View Post
Dear Polite Offender,

You don't know me. I am the woman that walked in with her five beautiful children. We met at a mutual friends house. I am the woman to whom you stared blankly, silently counting my kids...at which point you loudly and rudely exclaimed..."Are these all your kids? OH MY GOD!!!" You said this with a true look of horror on your face. My children witnessed this.

. . .

You have to understand, those of you with minimal children, that there is nothing wrong with a large family, although five isn't large. I bet that my "carbon footprint" with a family of seven living my lifestyle is less then her family of one. But I won't go there. I wouldn't want to be a polite offender.

Sarah B. mother of five horrible nasty rotten earth ruiners
I think the way this lady acted was totally outside of social grace, and I can totally empathize with you being both hurt and angry, but I'm not sure why you seem to be baffled as to why other people think large families (and I do think 5 does qualify as large by today's standards) are unusual. To me it's kind of like walking into a wedding in blue jeans--it attracts notice. There is nothing wrong with that, but rather how it's handled, and this lady should have been more polite without doubt. Perhaps there was a bit of genuine curiosity that was in her remarks; I've noticed that when I get defensive about something I tend to assign mal-intent when it's not really there. I've been known to have a jaw-dropping moment when I've seen a large family walk by, and I have been genuinely intrigued as to the underlying reasons as to why (was it a religious reason? do they just really love kids? were they on fertility drugs?) because sometimes the answers can be really interesting. Not everyone who asks these questions are doing so to criticize.

I'd be willing to bet that most large families do not have a carbon footprint as small as an only child family so although there is nothing wrong with having a large family, not all do so in environmentally-friendly ways (or even care about that aspect of reproduction). Kudos to you!

I have a family with one child and my quiver is most definitely full, and I do get defensive when other mothers treat me as if I was "less than" because I have chosen to have just one child. My aunt even commented that "You're not really a mother until you have your second." Umm, yes. The comments about the tragedy that my child will not have a sibling get flung my way quite a bit. I had a mother of 9 lecture me on how selfish I was and how I was doomed to raise a self-centered brat. I wanted to reply, "I'm glad you told me since I'm an only child myself and I had no idea that I was supposed to get my way about everything. I think I'll give that a try from now on." There are many wonderful things about having an only child just as I'm sure there are many wonderful things about having many children--they are just very different dynamics.
post #86 of 132
I'm just in awe at how beautiful your little earth ruiners are.

I have three and get comments at that. I'd love to have more but dh is done.
post #87 of 132
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelBee View Post
My mother's response to baby #4 was "That is f***ing HORRIBLE!"



And about feeling so ill when being pregnant.
That is horrible!

Hugs to all of you mamas. I have no idea why people think they're opinion matters to others. What makes them think they have the right to judge you?

I would LOVE 5 children. But I will be lucky if I can talk DH into #3. So if I saw your big families, I would just smile and envy you!
post #88 of 132
I would love a big family. I wish I could handle having more than two but I don't see it in my future.
I am always in awe of you mamas with large families here, how serene you are, how gentle.
Pay no mind to the ignorant masses. I think you're wonderful.
post #89 of 132
There are people who like to make hostile comments to others, no matter what it is about -- whether it's the number of children you have, the children you don't have, whatever. They seem to enjoy making nasty remarks.

I work with a woman who constantly makes hostile comments about Jews and Christians intermarrying. My husband is Jewish and I was raised as a Presbyterian. I could live without hearing about how much she disapproves of this.

I also have trouble dealing with this kind of thing. And I find that people will repeat their comments over and over and over again - just in case you didn't hear them.
post #90 of 132
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BunnySlippers View Post
I understand you are angry, and I am not trying to take this personally as a parent of one, but what is up with that comment?
I sure have never gone around spounting about my small family being better than a large family. Or that there is something wrong with large families.
must you retaliate by makinng snide comments about small family sizes?

and I know when you mentioned carbon footprint, you specifically refered to just the PO, but I have always gone to bat for the side that maintains a large and environmentally family is better for the planet than a small unfriendly one. So have many people here on this board.
That wasn't meant to be snide at all. I know that many people here with one child are very eco friendly. Many people in my life with one child are also very eco friendly. I was simply saying that you can have a large family and still be very eco friendly. This could have been a woman who bought things with large packaging and ate crappy processed heavily packaged food from another country (not local) and drove a hummer. Who knows. I don't think she did...but I am just trying to prove a point that having a large family doesn't mean you have to leave a larger carbon footprint.
post #91 of 132
Thread Starter 
Quote:
but rather how it's handled
That is what I had a problem with. And it wasn't even the initial OMG...it was the continuous nasty comments made over the next few hours. There was a chance there for her to stop being rude, but she didn't stop. I did end up leaving. I should say that my friend did stand up for me, and I really appreciated it.
post #92 of 132
DoulaSarah, your "horrible nasty rotton earth ruiners" are really adorable!

I am sorry that the "Polite" Offender was so very tactless to you in front of your children.

Quote:
Originally Posted by katmann View Post
So the other side of the coin is when you have no kids. DH and I were together for 9 years before we decided to conceive, and for most of those 9 we were adamant that we didn't want kids. And we caught tons of flack for it. All of his friends who were married and had kids pressured us, as did his family members (my friends are younger and without kids, and my family was just a bit more tactful). His aunt once commented, "Well, you have to have at least one." Would she say that to someone who couldn't conceive? When we finally did decide to have a child, it was our decision and no one else's. I think it's equally rude to presume a couple has to have a kid just because they're married or have been married for a certain amount of time. Procreation is a totally personal decision!


It does amaze me that complete strangers feel they have the right to comment on your reproductive choices.

When I was with my ex-husband we had completely decided against having any children. We absolutley did not want them. Period. And yet when the subject came up (generally with complete strangers, since our friends and family knew and (mostly) accepted how we felt, and many also felt the same way) we were almost always told; "Oh, you have to have children!"

Once, while in line at Costco, I was chatting with the guy behind me (sometimes I'm too friendly); "...yes, I'm married. Yes, I love being married, but no, we're not going to have any kids, I believe that there are already enough children and that the population will survive even if we do not contribute to it." To which he replied; "You Must have children, there is never enough love!"

I honestly think that this remark is as rude to make to someone who chooses not to procreate as is to say to someone who has chosen to have more than the "normal" amount of 2; "So, are you done yet...or are you going to have more?" In either situation, "IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!!"



In a nut-shell: my ex-husband and I divorced amicably. I met my DH and we both realized; "Ding! Ding! Ding! Genetic Match!" I moved to Italy and after 3 years of marriage we had our amazing baby, Eloisa. Now we're getting all kinds of comments like; "Hurry up and have another." (I'm 41), "Don't you want to try for a boy?" and "Now you need to have a boy." (these really irk me!), "Don't let her be an only child." "You need two." "Your second child will look more like you, the first always looks like the father."

However people's meddling stupidity does not end there, unfortunately. While we were TTC and pregnant I got these comments; "You need to have twins, a boy and a girl, then you're done." "You're having a girl? Ok, the next one will be a boy." (I don't know if this whole fixation with having boys is an Italian thing but I sure get a lot of these comments here.

I wouldn't say these things to my best friends, even if I thought them, why would I say them to a complete stranger? --Maybe a long time ago when I was much younger and completely lacking in tact, but certainly not now. I just don't get it. :
post #93 of 132
Quote:
Originally Posted by DoulaSarah View Post
That wasn't meant to be snide at all. I know that many people here with one child are very eco friendly. Many people in my life with one child are also very eco friendly. I was simply saying that you can have a large family and still be very eco friendly. This could have been a woman who bought things with large packaging and ate crappy processed heavily packaged food from another country (not local) and drove a hummer. Who knows. I don't think she did...but I am just trying to prove a point that having a large family doesn't mean you have to leave a larger carbon footprint.
I know you are in a very sensitive place right now, and I genuinely am not wanting to be provoking or make you feel worse, so I hope you can read what I have to say in the dispassionate spirit in which it is meant. The problem that I see with the environmental argument that you are making is that although you may be very eco-friendly yourself, there is no guarantee that your children (or their spouses, or their children, etc.) will be so. Statistically, your family and it's descendants are going to have a much larger impact overall than a smaller family, even if the smaller family is not environmentally-sensitive. Let's say each of your 5 children (assuming that you don't have more) opt for having a similarly-sized family. That means that 5 children becomes 25 grandchildren becomes 125 great-grandchildren, and that's not even including spouses. No matter how careful they are, that's a lot of people taking up geographic space and resources as opposed to 1 child becomes 1 grandchild becomes 1 great-grandchild. Of course, there are other factors to consider when having a family, but the environmental impact is real, and can't be denied. There is a book called, "Maybe One," written by an environmentalist that talks about the issue of population growth and how that is environmentally problematic, even taking into account the common argument that people make of, "But my children may solve global warming, or *insert your global calamity of choice*. I think everyone should have the freedom to say, "I want a big family," and then follow through but to downplay the macro picture of how that family will ultimately impact the earth is a sugar-coating of reality. In that light I don't think it's surprising when some people, especially environmental activists, have anger toward larger families because in their opinion, the sheer numbers are making a difficult situation worse. And to be honest, most large families even in the here and now are neglectful of their place in the overall environmental picture without even calculating the impact of their future descendants.

Of course, it doesn't sound like this particular woman had environmentally-conscious leanings, so what I'm saying is really just addressing the assertion that was made in regard to large families and their environmental impact being minimal. I don't think that's a statistical reality. And to say that it's no one's business how many children one has is also a denial of reality. We all live on one earth, and we are all impacted by other people's decisions, and it would be nice to know that other people are at least considering the broader picture when they procreate. They may still choose large families--and I totally believe they should never have that freedom denied--but I hope it's a decision that is made knowingly, beyond the "I want another baby just because" mentality. In our current world we can't afford to be so ego-centric. But that's just my opinion. From a very human perspective, I wish with all my heart that this wasn't the case.
post #94 of 132
Lux Perpetua, I think your post is very interesting and informative. I had never thought about some of the points you make.
post #95 of 132
I get the comment that now that we have one of each, we must be done. Which is so totally not true. We totally thought DD was going to be another boy (since the only other girl in DH family is his 40 year old sister), so when we found out DD was a girl, we were shocked! I already wanted 4 before that, so I obvisouly thought I'd end up with 4 boys. Why do people asume you're not happy if you have all same-sex children?
post #96 of 132
Miss 1928,
I enjoyed yoru post very much but I must admit I was stuck on your location. I am wildly jealous that you live in Rome. I think raising a family there would be awesome.
I joke with my husband that I don't want to buy in the CAlifironia , I say, "Let's buy in Florence!"
post #97 of 132
Quote:
Originally Posted by DoulaSarah View Post
That is what I had a problem with. And it wasn't even the initial OMG...it was the continuous nasty comments made over the next few hours. There was a chance there for her to stop being rude, but she didn't stop. I did end up leaving. I should say that my friend did stand up for me, and I really appreciated it.
I'm surprised that you call this woman a "Polite Offender" She sounds like a "Rude Offender" to me.

I'm actually glad for your clarification that it wasn't her first "Are they all yours" comment that was so offensive. --I can see how that might be the first reaction for many people, myself included, who are not accustomed to larger families --and yes, in my book, five children counts as a large family. But rather that she continued to dig and be cruel about it, especially in front of your LOs. There is definitely a difference between the initial surprise of; "Wow, that's a lot of kids!" and the; "Are you done yet... or are you going to have even more?" or "Don't you know what causes that?" type of comment. I am glad that your friend stood up for you.
post #98 of 132
Sorry,

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tracy View Post
Miss 1928,
I enjoyed yoru post very much but I must admit I was stuck on your location. I am wildly jealous that you live in Rome. I think raising a family there would be awesome.
I joke with my husband that I don't want to buy in the CAlifironia , I say, "Let's buy in Florence!"


Rome has it's advantages; Socialized health care; We spend 57 Euro a month on day care - 5 days a week, 7 hours a day and they're fed all organic food; We're actually able to make our living as classical musicians here.

But there are disadvantages too; Never ending bureaucracy up the wazoo - it was easier and less expensive to get divorced in California than to get married in Italy!; I am very far from my family and friends; My folks are missing out on their only grand-child. ; There are no bagels or good cheap Mexican food in Rome.
post #99 of 132
nak

I wish we could have 5. I developed severe pre-e, though, and subsequent pregnancies could kill me and a baby. We're adopting at least 3!! Some people just don't think, like a woman in the NICU waiting room who asked if I could have more children.
post #100 of 132
I'm guessing miserable jealousy caused this.

I am so sorry that you heard that from that vicious woman.

I come from a family with four children, three of whom are my triplet sisters (I cannot express how sad I am for your triplet who passed....) and my Mom and Dad heard similar things from other rude, nasty people.

BUT, we heard MORE blessings and wishes of good will from MORE people than we heard nastiness.

Don't let this touch your heart, enjoy your beautiful family.

Trin.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Dear Polite Offender,