Things you did and didn't appreciate about your stepparent... - Page 2

[mommyto3girls]

Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer

Thanks for the insight, grniys. Makes perfect sense.

My SD does see my parents more than she sees any of her biological grandparents (or step-grandparents married to biological grandparents...whew...). But, my parents live an hour's drive away. Her other grandparents live plane rides away. I do wonder how that will play out as she gets older.

Same Here, we are in Ohio, an hour from my parents. Dh's mom lives in New Mexico and her mom's dad lives over 4 hours away. My parents immediately started treating her just as they do the other grandkids, no differences at all and she calls them bompie and mimi (since she really did not have close grandparents in her life there was no issue for her with choosing to accept them as grandparents right of the bat)

[tndixiemom]

He was REALLY uncomfortable with the fact that we talked about my Dad.

This was a problem we had with our dad's wife, too. She took it as stab towards her. It all does come back to the fact that she had no children and was not mature enough to deal with a man who had children. They never should have gotten married. My stepdad encouraged us to have a relationship with our dad. His two kids didn't see him very much so he knew how it went. Years later when my sister and I finally told him and my mom about the things that went on, he apologized to us. He said he never would have made us go if he knew how she treated us. I do wish I had a relationship with my father, but it won't happen as long as she is in the picture.

[Mama Poot]

Things I appreciate(d) about my stepmom:

She cared enough about me to put up with all of my crap-and there was a lot of that when I was younger.

She showed me how being an involved mother and being involved in children's activities was a positive thing. This I feel was very important because my mother refused to be involved with anything; thought PTA was a waste of time, didn't encourage me to get involved in clubs or other things that encourage social stability, never made an effort to be friends with the parents of my friends and always found some reason why she didn't like them. This really hurt me socially. BUT, my stepmom was the total opposite, so in many ways I think this saved me from even more isolation and embarassment.

She stood alongside my father as the example of what a couple should be, what a family should be, and embraced her role as homemaker. It was not until I became a mom and a SAHM at that that I realized just how much I had learned from my stepmom and how much I was turning out to be like her!

Things I DIDN'T appreciate about my stepmom:

No matter what, things were going to go her way come hell or high water. I was irritated by this because even though what she was doing would end up hurting my dad, he just went along with it "for the sake of the marriage".

She can be kind of pompous and obnoxious and over-confident in her abilities. And not in a mild way, either. This kind of behavior nearly pushed them into financial ruin, and now both of them are working crappy jobs with crappy benefits and never have any time to see family anymore because they have to spend all their time working to pay off the enormous debt that was incurred from my stepmom's business endeavor that everyone knew was going to fail.

At times she was judgmental towards a lot of people, and while she isn't like this as much now, it was not a very becoming quality and caused a lot of tension.

Altogether, the good far outweighs the bad in my case. My stepmom is like a second mother to me, and often I think of her as my "real" mom, because she is more of a mom to me than my "real" mom is.

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by Fianna

I SO appreciate this thread and everyone's honesty and openness in sharing. ... Those of you sharing your perspective as step-children provides wonderful insight for people like me. Thank you.

: : : :

[SuzanneDeAz]

Originally Posted by grniys

Not a stepparent here. I've only been a stepchild. I'm not sure if you wanted only people who have been stepchildren and stepparents or just being a stepchild is ok? Sorry if you're looking for the perspective of now-stepparents. But here is my list...

I did appreciate:

He took care of my brother's and I.
He cared.
He tried.

I did not appreciate:

He acted like my dad. He wasn't. He could never be. He needed to back off and realize he was not my dad and never would be.
He was too controlling. He laid down the law and my mom allowed him. It should have been my mom making the rules for me, not him.
He never gave my mom and I time alone. Everything always had to include him. Sometimes I just needed to spend some time with just my mom, but I never got that.
He didn't understand that his family was not my family. I get that he cared about me and considered me to be one of his own, and that's nice of him. But I didn't want to be forced to go to family gatherings for his side of the family where I wasn't comfortable. I didn't want to be forced to go his parent's house to do lawn work. I didn't want to be forced to go sit around the hospital for hours on end when one of his relatives was there.

I guess my main complaint was that he didn't respect my boundaries. I needed space. He didn't give it. I did not appreciate that, and it was why I hated him as a teen.

Do you still hate him?

[SuzanneDeAz]

Originally Posted by Getz

My step-mom was emotionally abusive (which I just labeled a few months ago) and my dad did nothing about it despite us begging for him to help us. So, lots of ill blood there. She was much worse to my sister (which I found out later). When I left for college, step-mom stopped allowing my sister to eat any food in the house. For family meals, she was forced to stay in her room. That was just one of the things she did. I could write a book, but it is a big downer.

ETA: I was in jr high when she moved in with my dad. She had a younger son (who was a god) and two older kids not in the house. The first thing she did was demand we move and in the new house the new "rules" started.

Both my sister and I do credit her for motivating us to do something with our lives. The more we acheived the more she hated it. She told me and my dad I wasn't worth sending to college, so I graduated with honors, etc. I suppose that is the silver lining.

These days I can tolerate her for the few hours a year I see her.

I remember once my son (who was about a year at the time) screamed bloody murder when she tried to get near him. My dad said he was under-socialized. I just think he is a good judge of character!

So your step mother basically starved your sister? Did not your sister tell any other adult she was going without food?

[Sharlla]

Originally Posted by mommyto3girls

Can you tell us how old you were when the step-parent entered your life and did they bring children of theirs into the relationship? (ages?)

My mom got with him when I was 3 (they are still together 26 years later) He had two kids around my age at the time but he lost contact when I was about 7.

[Sparks*]

I'm a step-child, not a step-parent. I have both a step-dad and a step-mom. My parents divorced when I was 3yo and they both remarried within a month of each other when I was 6yo.

My relationship started off on the wrong foot with my step-mom because my dad came home from a trip (he's an airline pilot) with step-mom and said "come and meet your new mom!" They had gotten married before my brother and I even knew she existed. She was very young and immature at the time and had a lot of jealousy issues. She was not comfortable with my dad showing me any type of physical affection, for example. Once they had kids together it got much worse and my brother and I were treated more like dogs than children. We couldn't sit on the furniture, we had to play outside all day long rain or shine...which we actually didn't mind that much, and we weren't allowed to touch our half-siblings when they were babies unless they were wrapped in a clean towel and we had been washed thoroughly from head to toe.

My step-mom has grown substantially since then and has actually apologized numerous times in numerous ways to my brother and I for how she treated us. My relationship with her now is civil. We aren't close in any way, but we can get along fine when we have family gatherings. I still have a lot of anger and resentment towards my dad for letting the things that happened, happen. I'm working on getting past it all.

I don't have a relationship with my step-dad at all. He's really the only person in the world who I can say I "hate". I honestly can't say a single good thing about him. He was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive, and once again it only got worse once him and my mom had a baby together.

I think everything would have gone much better if my parents would have stood up for my brother and I and had their priorities more in order. I grew up feeling unwanted, unloved, and unable to fit in in any environment. I'm still battling with these issues everyday.

[mama2toomany]

My stepmom would take me and my brother into the basement, make us hold pillows on our heads and beat us with boards, she often withheld food from us.

She was evil. We did tell, we went to school with bruises and black eyes on a daily basis, when asked what happened, we were very honest, I would say "My mommy hit me with a box fan". Only once did someone actually listen to us, My 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Mathews. She called the Police, the police and cps came and we told them.. they called my mother in, made her promise to go to therapy and sent us home with her.

She put us into therapy but never went herself and the beatings just got worse.

The system failed us horribly.



I honestly think I am a good stepmother today because I know what happens to a child when they are belittled or made to feel like they are less then family. I know how it feels to have the bio children mean more then the step children. It sucks, so I make sure everyday that everyone knows there value. So i suppose the waste of a person she was did teach me quite a lot.

[starling&diesel]

My parents divorced when I was very little. My dad met my stepmom when I was five and they married when I was eight. My mom met my stepmom when I was nine and married him when I was eleven.

My stepmom ...
The good things:
she was fun
she was kid-focused
she was delighted to have a 'daughter' (she brought a son to the relationship and I had a full brother)
she wasn't afraid to enforce reasonable boundaries and consequences
she was affectionate and thoughtful

The very, very bad no-good rotten things:
her son got preferential treatment
she defied my mother's wishes on a regular basis
she never saved me from abuse at the hands of my father
she didn't keep me safe when I was at her home
she's turned her back on me and sided with my father on this issue

My stepdad...
The good things:
he respected my mother as primary caregiver and disciplinarian
he tried very hard to incorporate us kids into his life, even though he'd been a bachelor for his whole life
he cooked amazing vegetarian meals for the family every night
he meditated twice a day to help keep himself on an even keel
over the years, he's become my 'father' ... and I refer to him as such
he's interesting and funny and quite the curmudgeon, which took years to get used to, but which i appreciate now

The no-good, very rotten things:
he's a severe alcoholic
as kids, his patience was very limited
he and my brother have never gotten along

[Twinklefae]

I'm also a step-child, not a step-parent, and my mother died when I was 11, so I never dealt with the "if she'd just go away,my parents could get back together" thing.

My father met her when I was 12, and married her when I was 17. (moved in as a family at 16)

The Good:
-The rules were always equal for me, my sister and my step-sister
-She never tried to be my mother (I call her by her first name)
-Discipline was left to my father.
-She was always good about maintaining traditions, once she understood how important they were to me.
-As an adult, she has been incredibly supportive through several out of country moves
-She loves DS just as much as her two (bio) granddaughters, and treats them all equally.
-She is the one who knows that I don't tolerate anyone messing with my way of parenting, and keeps the lid on Dad, as I think she worries that I'd cut contact if I get pushed too far (and I would, but I'd let it go a lot further than she thinks I would) I just like that she takes me seriously as an adult, which Dad hasn't really gotten yet.

The Bad:
-She has a temper, and in the early years of their marriage it was rocky, with screaming fights. I didn't realize that sometimes parents fought, as my mother had been sick for years before she died, and found it scary
-My parents method of keeping the rules fair was to strictly enforce both my father's rules (call to say where you'll be, ask before going out, no people over when we're not here kind of rules) and her rules (clean the kitchen when you are done, the living room should always be spotless, weekly chores are not optional kind of rules) which was very hard, as we were being held to a VERY high standard.
-It took a few years until she understood how important things like Christmas traditions were to me...(one of my methods of dealing with losing my mother)

The Silly: (ie. things that bothered me as a kid, but don't anymore)
-My step-sister had her first child when she was 19, (I was 15) and it always felt like she got more attention... I now realize she still does, because she NEEDS it. (She's still a single mother of two who is bad with money.)

[anitaj71]

I SO appreciate this thread and everyone's honesty and openness in sharing. ... Those of you sharing your perspective as step-children provides wonderful insight for people like me. Thank you.

Don't take this in a snarky way: Please share the insights because I'm not getting any except some step parents were VERY abusive and horrible. I'm sad that innocent children were treated in such a terrible way. However, What does that have to do with the many step parents that hang out here? Don't be cruel to your step children, be fair, be kind . . . the list goes on. I think that's pretty standard fair here on these boards isn't it? But then, the question was asked the good and the bad . . .

[Lizafava]

My stepfather came into my life when I was about 14 and married my mother right before I turned 16. My father died when I was a baby and it had just been me and my mom. I can't imagine how tough it must have been for him, in retrospect.

The good:

He didn't expect me to accept him as a father and let the relationship be what it was.

He showed a genuine interest in my opinions and interests.

I could tell that he loved me, but he mostly kept good boundaries. I think this is probably tricky for men.

He did put an end to some of the really bad fighting patterns my mom and I had. I was am am glad for that interference. Looking back, I think he mostly grounded my mom, and kept her from constantly losing her cool.

He did not drink when I lived at home.

He introduced some some needed consistency adn routine into my life.

The mixed bag:

He entered the discipline arena. Now, I really had no limits or expectations from my mother. It had been that way since I was a little kid. So, for example, I suddenly had a curfew for the first time. I really needed some limits, so I can see why he/they made this change. But, at the time it just felt like he came and changed everything for the worse. And, it gave me something to rebel against. And I rebelled HARD. I disappeared for days at a time, started abusing drugs, left the state several times, and dropped out of high school.

The Bad:

I felt like he took my mother away from me. We were EXTREMELY close. Too close, probably. I don't envy the position he was in, and don't really know how he could have done a better job. I think he may have convinced my mom that she needed to be more of a Parent Figure and less of a Friend. That would have been fine if I was five. But I was 16 - that ship had sailed. So, I just felt like he took her from me. Sure, we had less insane fights, but we also felt less close. I actually felt like my mother loved me less after she married him.

I was ready for him to really be my kids' grandpa, but he was afraid of that and retreated.

[hotmamacita]

My stepmother hated me but played the game for my father. I didn't appreciate that. I don't hold her responsible but my father really should have nipped her jealousy in the bud in some fashion.

Actually, I wish my father had never been so freakin' selfish to divorce my mother. I hold my father responsible for the consequences of his selfishness.

[grniys]

Originally Posted by SuzanneDeAz

Do you still hate him?

Hate? No. I don't feel one way or another about him. I'm not terribly fond of him, but harboring anger and resentment would take too much energy. I've cut both him and my mother out of my life.

[mild_adventurer]

:

This thread is making me kind of sad.

I fancy myself a pretty good mother and step-mother. I genuinely care about ALL of my kiddos, I generally learn from my mistakes, and I can honestly say that at all times I'm doing the best that I can.

I have to believe (because not to is unthinkable) that most parents - and step-parents - out there feel the same way I do. I have to believe that most parents are doing the best they can. I have to believe that most parents love and care for their children and want what's best for them.

Some of my biggest fears as a step-parent are exactly what are being expressed here: that my DSC will grow up to think I overstepped my bounds, forced them to spend time with my family, loved my biological children more, wished they didn't live in the home, monopolized their father, etc.

As a grown-up, I can look back at my upbringing and know that the things that bothered me about my parents then were things I didn't understand as a child. Things like: when a single mom meets a single dad and they decide to get married and blend families, it's REALLY HARD for the grown-ups, too! These are grown-ups who didn't have the bliss of child-free years to get to know one another and build a strong relationship before starting a family together. They got married and PRESTO, instant family! They're having to deal with all the fits and starts of step-families (children who are hurt, confused, resentful, angry, sad, etc) while at the same time falling in love, learning to communicate with one another and simply developing all of those important interpersonal "traditions" that make relationships so special.

To think, for even one instant, that my children and step-children - as adults - won't be able to understand this and forgive myself and DH for our bumbling mistakes and occassional tempers, makes me incredibly sad.

[anitaj71]

[

QUOTE]This thread is making me kind of sad.

I fancy myself a pretty good mother and step-mother. I genuinely care about ALL of my kiddos, I generally learn from my mistakes, and I can honestly say that at all times I'm doing the best that I can.

I have to believe (because not to is unthinkable) that most parents - and step-parents - out there feel the same way I do. I have to believe that most parents are doing the best they can. I have to believe that most parents love and care for their children and want what's best for them.

Some of my biggest fears as a step-parent are exactly what are being expressed here: that my DSC will grow up to think I overstepped my bounds, forced them to spend time with my family, loved my biological children more, wished they didn't live in the home, monopolized their father, etc.

As a grown-up, I can look back at my upbringing and know that the things that bothered me about my parents then were things I didn't understand as a child. Things like: when a single mom meets a single dad and they decide to get married and blend families, it's REALLY HARD for the grown-ups, too! These are grown-ups who didn't have the bliss of child-free years to get to know one another and build a strong relationship before starting a family together. They got married and PRESTO, instant family! They're having to deal with all the fits and starts of step-families (children who are hurt, confused, resentful, angry, sad, etc) while at the same time falling in love, learning to communicate with one another and simply developing all of those important interpersonal "traditions" that make relationships so special.

To think, for even one instant, that my children and step-children - as adults - won't be able to understand this and forgive myself and DH for our bumbling mistakes and occassional tempers, makes me incredibly sad.

My sentiments exactly. Mama, I couldn't have said it better myself. The 'tone' of this thread has been bothering me too.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Originally Posted by mild_adventurer

:

This thread is making me kind of sad.

I fancy myself a pretty good mother and step-mother. I genuinely care about ALL of my kiddos, I generally learn from my mistakes, and I can honestly say that at all times I'm doing the best that I can.

I have to believe (because not to is unthinkable) that most parents - and step-parents - out there feel the same way I do. I have to believe that most parents are doing the best they can. I have to believe that most parents love and care for their children and want what's best for them.

Some of my biggest fears as a step-parent are exactly what are being expressed here: that my DSC will grow up to think I overstepped my bounds, forced them to spend time with my family, loved my biological children more, wished they didn't live in the home, monopolized their father, etc.

As a grown-up, I can look back at my upbringing and know that the things that bothered me about my parents then were things I didn't understand as a child. Things like: when a single mom meets a single dad and they decide to get married and blend families, it's REALLY HARD for the grown-ups, too! These are grown-ups who didn't have the bliss of child-free years to get to know one another and build a strong relationship before starting a family together. They got married and PRESTO, instant family! They're having to deal with all the fits and starts of step-families (children who are hurt, confused, resentful, angry, sad, etc) while at the same time falling in love, learning to communicate with one another and simply developing all of those important interpersonal "traditions" that make relationships so special.

To think, for even one instant, that my children and step-children - as adults - won't be able to understand this and forgive myself and DH for our bumbling mistakes and occassional tempers, makes me incredibly sad.

*nods*

I worry a lot about what my DSD will think in a couple of yeras... I'm doing my best to be a good StepMom, but I know on some of the things here that she may very well resent me... but because of our family dynamics some things I can't change.

For example, I came into her life at 3 years old... toddlers/young children still need a lot of guidance and because of my DH's schedule I am responsible for her by myself for a few hours each time we have her... So I do have to enter the "discipline" realm sometimes. At her age it would not benefit her nor I to say, "wait til your Father gets home." DH and I are on the same page and we parent the same... but we do parent differently than her Mother, so I am sure it is hard on DSD... but as we will have other children being raised in this house too, we do not want different rules for different children, to hopefully not end up with DSD thinking we show the other kids perefential treatment... I am doing my best to not have that happen... even now as we have started to acquire things for baby, DSD has her own toys, baby has her own toys and there are also family toys for everyone.

Also... my DSD basically only spends time with my family... only because DH's family does not speak to us. We have extended offers and invitations to DSD's birthday party and things like that to them and they never show up. We have tried to keep communication open with them for DSD's sake, but they have shown time and time again they don't care. She spends time with her Mom's family when she is with her Mom... but when she is with us, we usually spend time with my parents... which currenly DSD loves!! She has developed a very special bond with my Mom and is over the moon to spend time with her... So I do hope she does not grow to resent that her closest ties are with her "step" family instead of her biological. I don't think blood should determine family... my family has treated her better than her bio grandparents on DH's side for going on two years now.

[Fianna]

Hmmm...interesting how we all view things, which applies to not only our reactions to this thread but to the content of the thread itself.

I appreciate hearing others experiences as stepchildren, both good and bad. Everything that has been said so far confirms and reaffirms my commitment to the way I am trying to conduct myself as a stepparent. Will I do it perfectly? Hell no. But will both my stepchildren and biochildren hopefully grow up believing that they were loved and lived in a home that provided safety and security? I certainly hope so. Is there a chance they have resentments over my remarrying? Certainly. But had I stayed married to my biokids' dad they'd have resentments over that marriage for sure. My job is not to make sure my children have a perfect life. My job as a mom and a stepmom is to make sure they feel secure and valued and heard. My husband and I aren't apologizing to our children for our divorces or our remarriage. What we are doing is making sure they know there is nothing they can't talk to us about, that their feelings, whatever they may be, are valid. We want to model what marriage should be.

My husband had two different stepdads growing up. One was horrible and the other was the kind of dad my husband needed at the time. Was he perfect? Egads, no. The fact that he left my husband's mom very suddenly is just one example of the serious character flaws the man had, but overall he was a good dad while he was there. Were my parents perfect? Heavens no. If I sat down and made a list of all the things I could choose to be disappointed about I'd have a decently long list. But I love them and appreciate all they have done and continue to do for me. I don't know...maybe my dh and I are just "glass half full" kind of people...

[Oriole]

Oh, I'm surprised to hear that. I know I don't send dsd to bed without dinner, I know that I worked through the feeling of insecurity regarding her father and admitted it and apologized to dsd for getting in to discipline when I shouldn't have, and I am more than happy to see her and her dad spending time alone, they have a weekly ritual of going to a local cafe to talk about whatever it is they need to talk about. I certainly never struck her or called her names, ever. She brings up her mom in conversation freely commenting on good and the bad she sees in their relationship, so she must feel comfortable to love and care for her mom even while living in this house. I feel like I have to pass one more test, and that is of having my own children, and I do worry about dsd feeling left out, but I am determined to do try my hardest to make this weird family work, and I find it reassuring that I am aware of all the difficult spots.

The only feeling of sadness comes from the stories of all the kids who were abused growing up.

I see the good and the bad in many posters, and I know myself that good and bad comes in parenting as well ( I have a few good and bad things to tell about my own parents, which doesn't make them bad parents by any means, kwim?).