Things you did and didn't appreciate about your stepparent... - Page 3

[Mamafreya]

Originally Posted by mild_adventurer

:

This thread is making me kind of sad.

I fancy myself a pretty good mother and step-mother. I genuinely care about ALL of my kiddos, I generally learn from my mistakes, and I can honestly say that at all times I'm doing the best that I can.

I have to believe (because not to is unthinkable) that most parents - and step-parents - out there feel the same way I do. I have to believe that most parents are doing the best they can. I have to believe that most parents love and care for their children and want what's best for them.

Some of my biggest fears as a step-parent are exactly what are being expressed here: that my DSC will grow up to think I overstepped my bounds, forced them to spend time with my family, loved my biological children more, wished they didn't live in the home, monopolized their father, etc.

As a grown-up, I can look back at my upbringing and know that the things that bothered me about my parents then were things I didn't understand as a child. Things like: when a single mom meets a single dad and they decide to get married and blend families, it's REALLY HARD for the grown-ups, too! These are grown-ups who didn't have the bliss of child-free years to get to know one another and build a strong relationship before starting a family together. They got married and PRESTO, instant family! They're having to deal with all the fits and starts of step-families (children who are hurt, confused, resentful, angry, sad, etc) while at the same time falling in love, learning to communicate with one another and simply developing all of those important interpersonal "traditions" that make relationships so special.

To think, for even one instant, that my children and step-children - as adults - won't be able to understand this and forgive myself and DH for our bumbling mistakes and occassional tempers, makes me incredibly sad.

I think that as long as you try your best your children will see this and understand. Maybe they won't understand until they are grown but at some point they will look back and see things with adult eyes and they will have a whole new respect and understanding of what you went through as a step-parent/parent. I know that I did. When my second step-dad came into our lives I couldn't see past the fact that he wasn't my dad. I actually liked him before he started dating my mom.
Now as an adult/parent I see that what he went through was really hard and probably scary even. He'd been a bachelor for 20 years or more and had never been around kids. Suddenly he moves in with a woman who has 5 kids, two of them teenagers and all of them still feeling like the world had turned them upside down. The poor guy never stood a chance but he stuck it out and he really tried his best. I love him for that now. I see it from a whole different perspective now. I totally forgive his mistakes because I know he did the very best that he could. He REALLY gave it his all, you know.

Honsetly, I think that I blame my mom more now as an adult for anything that was bad about the situation. I'm not saying that I didn't forgive her or understand how she made the mistakes that she did, I just think that she was wrapped up in her new romance that some of our needs got pushed aside. She's a wonderful person/mom but she's human. She's not perfect and I love her anyway.
We all make mistakes and as long as you are coming from a place of love your kids will see that.

[2pinks]

i've always thought my step-mom was ok. we've had our share of arguments/rough times but overall i guess she's been ok.

the one problem I do have is that she has had a tendency to talk to me like i'm stupid and explain something thoroughly when I knew exactly what she was talking about and am telling her "I know what you're saying, let's move on with the conversation." That's my one pet peeve.

[plunky]

Stepkid here, not a stepparent. Although I'm 31 now, maybe I'm not a kid.

The good-my stepdad. Great guy, and most importantly, my mom laid down the law when they got married....which was when I was 14ish. He was 27 or so. Never tried to be my "dad", but was a great guy to be around. Very helpful, very not invasive. He totally got that my mom had three kids and that he would be a part of the family but it would be her rules. He taught me how to drive, and many other good things. I still get along with him very well.

To my sister, who is 8 years younger, he was a more direct influence. For both my brother and sister, he has definitely helped a great deal economically, including helping pay for their college. More than my dad has, even.

The not so great-my stepmom. My dad got remarried when I was a freshman in college. And really I think he is mostly responsible for the various problems that happened between with her. My dad wanted to be taken care of, so he let her personality take over his house. She has a different value system than my mom. She is not a feminist. My sister had many problems with her growing up. And she puts her kids (my half brothers) way way in front of us. I don't really get along well with either my dad or my stepmom these days.

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by anitaj71

[


My sentiments exactly. Mama, I couldn't have said it better myself. The 'tone' of this thread has been bothering me too.

But see people are being honest. And as children we weren't really allowed to because all the adults were too busy justifying their own actions. Seriously, divorce has consequences! And some women are really mean step-mothers despite all their flowery words and all. WOmen get jealous easily and communicate that in deceitful ways and if people don't think children pick up on that then I just don't know what to say.

I don't think people giving their opinions are trying to set some sort of tone. Its reality for them. Reality for me and many, many others is that I got treated differently. I see friends who have step-children treating them differently and putting down their DSC real mothers. I try to talk to them and give them different perspectives but they don't listen. They want to, at some level, put down the 1st wife or ex-girlfriend and posit themselves at the better, more noble mother.

[Mamafreya]

Something I forgot to add earlier.
I think that if you want your step-kids/kids to be able to empathize or even appreciate what their step-parents/parents went through, sacrificed and changed in their lives that it's really important for a step-parent/parent to do the same thing for the kids. I'm not speaking about any one person on mdc by the way, just in a general sense.

If someone wanted to know what my biggest resentment was I would say that it was having no control of my life/environment. I felt like I had no escape. If I didn't want to be there, too bad. If I didn't like this new father figure, too bad. If I didn't like having to change family routine, too bad. That was really hard and I was actually really lucky because by step-dad wanted to make sure everyone was happy. I can't even fathom how some of the posters on here felt after reading their stories. That resentment isn't any one person's fault, it's just a side effect of blended families. I'm also pretty sure that while it's common it's not always like that for some step-kids since every situation is different.

I can only imagine what it would feel like to be a step-mom and I'm pretty sure that it's a lot harder than I can imagine. I think that step-parenting just like parenting is a thankless job in a lot of ways, probably more so.

That said, I don't understand the "tone" comment. What tone?? Seriously(no snark intended), I don't see a "tone" on here other than people sharing their feelings about their step-parents. Because we're talking about human beings, it goes without saying that there are going to be good step-parents/parents and bad step-parents/parents. Good experiences and bad experiences.

[kblackstone444]

My Mother had three children before she met the Stepfather I had most my childhood- me, my sister and my oldest brother. Then, along came my youngest brother. My Stepfather was a good guy, but he was a firm believer in "blood is the family that matters most". Even though me, my sister and my oldest brother had no Fathers in the picture. So many times, I remember going to his family's house for Christmas and me and my two siblings watching our youngest brother open gifts and gifts and more gifts and then we three would get a card with maybe $10 in it, and many other similar situations like that, and nobody (not my Mom and certainly not my Stepfather) said anything about it. Other things weren't perfect, but that was the worst- growing up feeling like me and two of my siblings were "extras", our youngest brother the "star" and my Mom and Stepdad the "supporting actors". The Stepfather I have now, is wonderful and treats us no less than if we were his "real" adult children and our children as his "real" greandchildren. It's wonderful. I hope my stepdaughter and my son's "step" experience is more like that.

[Phantasmagoria]

I totally adored my stepfather. I met him when I was 8. He was a big friend to me: kind, fun, respectful to me as a human being, in stark contrast to the custodial family members I was used to. He never disciplined me. My mother was already brutal in that area. He just loved me. His guidance was gentle.

I didn't appreciate how difficult it must have been to be a step-parent until I dated a man with children. I think the job of being married to my Mum was much harder, though.

My step-dad died. It was a tragedy.

Ditto on all of the pros for my step-mom who, unlike my stepdad, didn't come into my life until I was a late teen, and was with my non-custodial parent. I was older, so we never did any serious bonding, but I liked her well enough. I was, for the most part, secure in my status as my Dad's priority, so there was no threat, and we had some good times.

Unfortunately, things got icky when she and Dad divorced. She called me a couple times with way too much information about his infidelity and did some information fishing that made me feel manipulated and used. I never said anything to her; I just stopped taking her calls, and so we no longer have a relationship. I was an adult with poor boundaries. Now I would respond in a different way to these situations. I hope she would, too.

My stepfamily always treated me very well, like one of the nieces/grandchildren, though we have grown distant over the years (nothing to do with them). When my mother and stepfather had a child, my father's family took her in as a grandchild, and treat her as such in many things to this day (Christmas presents, birthday presents, inclusion in family photos if she is at an event, etc.), to the point that at age 14 she was surprised to learn she had no traditional relationship (blood or step) to any of them.

I love and appreciate all my step-parents (I have a new step-mom now who seems lovely enough). I NEVER wanted my parents to get back together. It was my most fervent wish that I never have to be in the same room they they were both in. Dreadful.

[mild_adventurer]

Originally Posted by hotmamacita

But see people are being honest. And as children we weren't really allowed to because all the adults were too busy justifying their own actions. Seriously, divorce has consequences! And some women are really mean step-mothers despite all their flowery words and all. WOmen get jealous easily and communicate that in deceitful ways and if people don't think children pick up on that then I just don't know what to say.

I don't think people giving their opinions are trying to set some sort of tone. Its reality for them. Reality for me and many, many others is that I got treated differently. I see friends who have step-children treating them differently and putting down their DSC real mothers. I try to talk to them and give them different perspectives but they don't listen. They want to, at some level, put down the 1st wife or ex-girlfriend and posit themselves at the better, more noble mother.

I apologize if anything I wrote led anyone to believe I was devaluing their experiences or criticizing their feelings as they evaluate their childhoods. On the contrary, I was saddened by the outpouring of people who had truly crummy experiences with their step-parents.

But what has been particularly difficult for me in reading this thread is this overwhelming fear I've been struck with that regardless of how good my intentions or how loving a step-parent I am, my step-children will one day - as adults - resent that I married their father and came into their lives. Yes, I see that there are people here who had good step-parents and recognize that, but by and large, the posts to this thread have been about truly evil step-parents.

The other thing is: I'm human! And all of those step-parents of the adult step-children here are human too. We all are. I love the kids and want them here with us, but do I sometimes wish I had more time alone with DH? YES! Do I sometimes feel sad that DH had a whole other life with another woman before I came on the scene? YES! Do I struggle with how to relate to children I didn't give birth to and raise through their formative years? YES! Do I sometimes need time alone with my biological children? YES! Is it sometimes difficult for me to live in the house that DH lived in with his XW, knowing that if I want to change anything, it had better be reeeeaaaaallllyyyy gradually for the sake of my DSC? YES!

Do I try really, super hard to make sure that none of the above is evident to the kids? Absolutely. But they're all smart little buggers, and I'm that there have been times when it's been hard for me to hide from them my struggles as a step-parent.

Yes, I had troubles with my step-mom (eventually my adoptive mom) and to be honest, I'm still working through some of that stuff today. But now, as a parent and step-parent and as an ADULT, I am in a position to more clearly understand how hard it must have been for her to step-parent me! She caused me some pain, but you know what? I'm pretty sure I caused her some pain, too. And now, through the lense of time, it's easier for me to see that she had the best of intentions, that she loved me dearly and that she had a huge heart.

I hope that my step-children, in their evaluation of their own childhoods, see me in that way and have forgiveness in their hearts for any of my bumbles. But my secret fear is that they will feel the way many of you here feel: that their step-parent was not a positive addition to their childhoods or lives.

[fenwickmama]

ok, first of all, i was about 24 when my dad re-married so i never lived with them and certainly have a different relationship with my stepmom than my younger sibs do...

i always appreciated how she loves my dad and makes him happy. she always accepted us right into her entire extended family with love and included us in all their holiday traditions, etc. she is GREAT with our kids and very supportive of us. She taught me to knit : Very generous with time, teaching (crafts, recipes, whatever). Always willing to travel to see us

back in the day, i did not appreciate how she expected my sibs to just go with the flow re: my dad and her son (they have a great relationship and i'm glad for that but am sure my bros have felt jealousy over it through the years). i also felt a little choked by her religious beliefs-my dad jumped right in and that's fine but i always feel like she's trying to challenge my faith and i'm not up for that all the time, kwim?

[phoolove]

Yeah some of the things posted are like a step -parent's worst fears come true, but hey, I resent some of the things that my own parents did to me and my family, and they were good people who tried their best. Natural parents can be just as ratty as step parents.

No one is perfect. Even if all the steps here read every one of the posts and tried to avoid doing certain things, we would fail, because we are human.
Also, as Steps, because we are already here (as in MDC) I think we are actively trying avoid some of the mistakes made by parents and step parents that have come before us.

I have to admit though that some of the behaviors mentioned in these posts seem crazy! Even if I take a step back and try to evaluate my own behavior, I can't imagine parenting as described in some of these posts.
I'm so sorry that so many had such ratty Step and parenting situations.

[mama2toomany]

I know that my posts I posted here are super downers, but I was being honest and If I could remember even one time my stepmother smiled at me I would have posted about it.

I know this thread makes people sad, But I also want to say, even though there are some horrible things that happened to us and there isn't any excuse for it. I think it happened more often back then just because it was ok to do it.

In no way was it a good thing or a right thing to do, but it happened and some step parents i think honestly did think of step children as sub human. inferior to there own children, wanting there kids to be the best, have the best and be the great children of the house.

I think it happens much less, just like a lot of things happen way less. We don't put whiskey soaked rags on baby's gums, in general people spank less the they use to, times change and its awesome that people are getting more gentle and treating everyone like humans with hearts and feelings.

I know terrible heartbreaking things happen still to children by the hands of people who are suppose to love them, but I like to think it happens less now then it use to.

not sure why I felt compelled to add that, just kinda spilled out. Sorry

[jjawm]

For me, as a stepmom, this thread has allowed me to see what sticks in people's minds about their stepparents. There are certain things that I recall vividly from growing up about my parents - the good and the bad. The issues for stepkids are different, and it's like using a highlighter to say 'these things can be really important for my stepsons, this is what they may truly remember'.

Imagining what my stepsons will say about me in the future makes me a better stepmom. I need to look beyond the moment and think about the impact that my behavior will have on my stepsons' lives. I've made plenty of mistakes, but threads like this motivate me to keep trying, keep loving, keep biting my tounge when necessary ( )

[anitaj71]

Reading the negative on this thread is not always easy. Not the horrible, and evil stuff, I'm talking about the everyday stuff that made life for some step children unpleasant.

Everyday 'bad' stuff hapenned in my own family with my own parents. As an adult with my own children I see now how hard it is to raise children. I have a lot of compassion for both of my parents considering their own childhood history and how they overcame that, stayed together, worked hard, and raised us. (me and my 3 sisters ) My childhood was not perfect. The bad stuff: My parents fought a lot, my parents spanked . . . However, as I said above, I don't have any negative emotions around that anymore simply because I have the prespective of an adult and seeing my parents as human beings rather than 'parents' that owe me something. They are good people that did the best they could with what they had.

Which brings me now to the present day and step parenting. First, children go through the loss of their family. That is huge. If the stress level of the loss of divorce is compared to a death imagine how it is for the children.

Then, said parents go out and find a new husband and wife. All the children want is their family back. More loss. More pain. Got it. I really get it. I promise.

But back to being a step parent:

Generally speaking, step children want nothing to do with the new partner(s). As a step parent one is walking into a situation, in the very beginning, where they are not welcome by the children, and most of the time, the exes.

Double whammy. The ex talks trash about the new partner, the kids want to be loyal to the parent so they do their best to not accept the new partner. Even if there is no negative press from the ex the step parent is still seen as the interloper the 'new' person. Their dad's wife. Not a friendly aunt, second mom, another adult to love etc. Just their dad's wife/partner. Taking away attention and love from the child. Competition.

We are resented just because we exist in these childrens' lives and we haven't done anything yet! (Bio parents build up resentment with their actions over the years whatever that may be.) But as step parents we are resented the moment we walk in the door ( figuratively speaking) . Add all the other complications that come with 'blending' a family and it would make any normal person want to give up.

It's easy to blame the step parent for how hard the childrens lives are. The blame for the pain and loss in their lives. Heck, we are just the partner of their parent. There is no parental connection, no parental love. Just two 'sides' trying to get along. Yes, there is and can be lots of love I'm not suggesting there is not . . . it just takes time . . . please do not flame for that last comment.

I'm not sure if that came out right. I have a hard time articulating my thoughts and feelings . . .

Having a thread of 'what one didn't appreciate' about the step parent just brings up, for me anyway, the immediate feeling of inadequate stuff of being a step parent. I can't be perfect and loving all the time. I'm not perfect and loving to my own children all the time.

There is a lot less forgiveness and understanding on these boards. There is way too much talk about what and how step parents can be better or the flowery sentiments of 'why being a step parent is all roses and sunshine'.

That is nice but I have found in my experience, the roses and sunshine is the smaller part of my daily life of a step parent. But then, I can say the same of life with my own children, (see toddler/teen forum and how many threads start as: "My toddler/teen is driving me crazy!")

I guess I can go on and on . . . trying to figure it out analyse the complicated thing the the "blended" family is. I beat myself up enough for the days when I think I'm not being the 'good' step parent. The bad days bring on so much guilt and bad feelings that it seems there is nothing that I have done right in the past 5 years.

Most of the time we (as a family) are doing o.k. . But if I mess up I hear from my dhs' ex (many times) , his parents (rarely, but it has hapenned) , his children . . . I feel like I'm back at square one again. I can't come here for support because there isn't a lot of space here for the bad stuff. The hard stuff that a step parent goes through.

Of course it's about the kids. Isn't it always? However sometimes I (we?) need the oxygen mask too so I can make it about the kids again.

[Mamafreya]

Originally Posted by anitaj71

We are resented just because we exist in these childrens' lives and we haven't done anything yet! (Bio parents build up resentment with their actions over the years whatever that may be.) But as step parents we are resented the moment we walk in the door ( figuratively speaking) . Add all the other complications that come with 'blending' a family and it would make any normal person want to give up.

It's easy to blame the step parent for how hard the childrens lives are. The blame for the pain and loss in their lives. Heck, we are just the partner of their parent. There is no parental connection, no parental love. Just two 'sides' trying to get along. Yes, there is and can be lots of love I'm not suggesting there is not . . . it just takes time . . . please do not flame for that last comment.

No flames here. I think what you said is very accurate. I know that as a teen I felt a lot of anger at my mom but for whatever reason I directed it at my step-dad. Totally unfair to him for sure. I feel badly for it now that I'm an adult but at the time I really thought I was justified. I also think what you said about parental connection is probably at the root of the blame in my case. It hurts more to blame your parent who you have an unconditional love for. IMO, love between a step-parent and child has to develop over time. Just because the adults feel it for each other doesn't mean that the kids and step-parent are going to feel it for each other. It's a very tough relationship to cultivate.

I have total respect for you loving step-parents out there.

I know that my mom could have made the transition much easier on all of us if she hadn't just tossed my step-dad into the family and expected him to take on the "dad" roll. I know that she wanted to have the support but it backfired on her for sure. Step-parents shouldn't be expected to parent just because they're there. I think that sets everyone up to fail in the beginning. Over time after a bond has been created then, yeah, but in the beginning no way. My step-dad just removed himself emotionally in the beginning because it was too overwhelming and my mom resented that. I remember her telling my siblings that they could call him dad if they wanted and that it would make him feel good. He never gave us the inclination that he wanted to be called dad or that it would make him feel good. I think it would've made my mom feel good so that's why she pushed it. Of course, no one called him dad. It was too weird. I know that she didn't mean it too but it caused more resentment.

Anyway, what I was getting at (I'm a rambler) is that it's never black and white and bio-parents play a very large roll in how step-parents are excepted into the family.

[Oriole]

I just wanted to point out all the good in the thread, I think we are so self conscious about our every move as step parents, that hearing "the bad" makes us take things personally, but the following posts are what brightens the thread, you know? I highlighted my favorite.

Originally Posted by mild_adventurer

What I did and still do appreciate about my step-mother:

She loved myself and my sister as if she'd given birth to us (she has two 3 bological children of her own).

She provided us with a healthy balance of freedom and boundaries.

She continued to love myself and my sister even after her marriage to my father dissolved.

Her family (parents, sisters, brothers, etc) accepted myself and my sister as if we were her biological children.

She was always, always fair.

Originally Posted by CherylDec&Jul

The big difference at the time was my stepdad never once got involved in the discipline aspect. Even if he was annoyed (he was a neat freak) that my room was clean he went to my mom who came to me. And I think it helped that my mom was a great negotiator (like my room had to be clean but my bathroom & closet didnt as long as I kept the door shut, kwim? I ended up with my own phone line.) So there wasn't anything to conflict over with him.

Originally Posted by tndixiemom

Both step-parents came into my life within a year of each other so it was 12 and 13. My step-dad has always been more of a dad. He gave us everything we needed or wanted and I do appreciate that. He treated us like we were his own and has always called us his daughters.

Originally Posted by seriouslyjess

I love....
The way I feel like on of 'his kids', (both of them were already in college when he moved in, so I can't say exactly how he treated them when they lived with him) he has a special nickname for me, and we have a lot of inside jokes.
He almost always goes to all of my concerts (this is a big issue with my dad, he ALWAYS has something else to do.)
He DOES enforced discipline, but only if my mother has said something, and I'm not following the rules.
He knows how to cheer me up (ex. right after he moved in my dad and I had a screaming match the reduced me to tears and he came home with flowers 'just because'), and treats me like a human being, not just his wifes' kid.
I feel like I can talk to him about almost anything

Originally Posted by ziggy

I like my stepmother a lot. Granted, I never had to live with her and they got married when I was 19 and across the country. They send me presents at the requisite holidays, and she sends me my favorite cookies from Trader Joes whenever she goes there.

Originally Posted by Mama Poot

Things I appreciate(d) about my stepmom:

She cared enough about me to put up with all of my crap-and there was a lot of that when I was younger.

She showed me how being an involved mother and being involved in children's activities was a positive thing. This I feel was very important because my mother refused to be involved with anything; thought PTA was a waste of time, didn't encourage me to get involved in clubs or other things that encourage social stability, never made an effort to be friends with the parents of my friends and always found some reason why she didn't like them. This really hurt me socially. BUT, my stepmom was the total opposite, so in many ways I think this saved me from even more isolation and embarassment.

She stood alongside my father as the example of what a couple should be, what a family should be, and embraced her role as homemaker. It was not until I became a mom and a SAHM at that that I realized just how much I had learned from my stepmom and how much I was turning out to be like her!

...

Altogether, the good far outweighs the bad in my case. My stepmom is like a second mother to me, and often I think of her as my "real" mom, because she is more of a mom to me than my "real" mom is.

Originally Posted by Twinklefae

The Good:
-The rules were always equal for me, my sister and my step-sister
-She never tried to be my mother (I call her by her first name)
-Discipline was left to my father.
-She was always good about maintaining traditions, once she understood how important they were to me.
-As an adult, she has been incredibly supportive through several out of country moves
-She loves DS just as much as her two (bio) granddaughters, and treats them all equally.
-She is the one who knows that I don't tolerate anyone messing with my way of parenting, and keeps the lid on Dad, as I think she worries that I'd cut contact if I get pushed too far (and I would, but I'd let it go a lot further than she thinks I would) I just like that she takes me seriously as an adult, which Dad hasn't really gotten yet.

Originally Posted by Lizafava

The good:

He didn't expect me to accept him as a father and let the relationship be what it was.

He showed a genuine interest in my opinions and interests.

I could tell that he loved me, but he mostly kept good boundaries. I think this is probably tricky for men.

He did put an end to some of the really bad fighting patterns my mom and I had. I was am am glad for that interference. Looking back, I think he mostly grounded my mom, and kept her from constantly losing her cool.

He did not drink when I lived at home.

He introduced some some needed consistency adn routine into my life.

Originally Posted by plunky

The good-my stepdad. Great guy, and most importantly, my mom laid down the law when they got married....which was when I was 14ish. He was 27 or so. Never tried to be my "dad", but was a great guy to be around. Very helpful, very not invasive. He totally got that my mom had three kids and that he would be a part of the family but it would be her rules. He taught me how to drive, and many other good things. I still get along with him very well.

To my sister, who is 8 years younger, he was a more direct influence. For both my brother and sister, he has definitely helped a great deal economically, including helping pay for their college. More than my dad has, even.

Originally Posted by Phantasmagoria

I totally adored my stepfather. I met him when I was 8. He was a big friend to me: kind, fun, respectful to me as a human being, in stark contrast to the custodial family members I was used to. He never disciplined me. My mother was already brutal in that area. He just loved me. His guidance was gentle.

I didn't appreciate how difficult it must have been to be a step-parent until I dated a man with children. I think the job of being married to my Mum was much harder, though.

My step-dad died. It was a tragedy.

Ditto on all of the pros for my step-mom who, unlike my stepdad, didn't come into my life until I was a late teen, and was with my non-custodial parent. I was older, so we never did any serious bonding, but I liked her well enough. I was, for the most part, secure in my status as my Dad's priority, so there was no threat, and we had some good times.

...
My stepfamily always treated me very well, like one of the nieces/grandchildren, though we have grown distant over the years (nothing to do with them). When my mother and stepfather had a child, my father's family took her in as a grandchild, and treat her as such in many things to this day (Christmas presents, birthday presents, inclusion in family photos if she is at an event, etc.), to the point that at age 14 she was surprised to learn she had no traditional relationship (blood or step) to any of them.

I love and appreciate all my step-parents (I have a new step-mom now who seems lovely enough). I NEVER wanted my parents to get back together. It was my most fervent wish that I never have to be in the same room they they were both in. Dreadful.

Originally Posted by fenwickmama

ok, first of all, i was about 24 when my dad re-married so i never lived with them and certainly have a different relationship with my stepmom than my younger sibs do...

i always appreciated how she loves my dad and makes him happy. she always accepted us right into her entire extended family with love and included us in all their holiday traditions, etc. she is GREAT with our kids and very supportive of us. She taught me to knit : Very generous with time, teaching (crafts, recipes, whatever). Always willing to travel to see us

[Oriole]

I think it's important for us to recognize what children pay attention to, what bothers them, and what sticks with them. Just like parents are not perfect, stepparents are not perfect either, we just have our own set of challenges, and they will vary from one family to another.

For example, seriouslyJess appreciated the discipline provided by the stepparent, and a few others mentioned that they appreciated the fact that stepparents did not discipline. It just shows that everyone's situation is different, and while some themes are universal (such as being fair, involved, a good partner to the biological parent), others vary with each situation (discipline, being a parent figure vs. not being a parent figure).

[anitaj71]

Oriole, I can always count on you for the roses and sunshine ! I say this kindly and a bit tongue in cheek.

O.k. O.k. ! There is some sun coming through the clouds and my rose bush (should) bloom this spring. You're pretty sweet.

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by anitaj71

Oriole, I can always count on you for the roses and sunshine ! I say this kindly and a bit tongue in cheek.

O.k. O.k. ! There is some sun coming through the clouds and my rose bush (should) bloom this spring. You're pretty sweet.

You think I'm all about sunshine? You should meet my beloved
But yeah, I try... :

[oiseau]

sorry this got so long

Interesting thread. I'm a stepchild and not a parent yet. My parents divorced when I was 7. My stepmom came into the picture quickly (she was sorta already in the picture)....I think my dad moved in with her when I was 8. As I've been reading, I've been trying to think of some positives about her....not having much luck, but, uh, she mostly left us alone, and I guess that was good. She was really nice to us for a few months when she and my dad first got together. Played with us and was really fun. I think once my dad started living with her, everything changed. She treated us like really dirty kids...we weren't allowed to get on the couch if it wasn't covered, she didn't like us touching anything. She didn't like us making any noise and when we were sitting quietly watching tv, she'd come yell at us and turn it down so low than no one could hear it. Once, we had to spend an entire week at their house because my mom's dad was very ill so my mom was out of town visiting him. By the end of the week, I remember my stepmom screaming at us and so my brother and I just went into our room and hid in the closet under blankets because we were so scared of her. My dad can't do anything without her...she won't let him...so she was always at all our school events (hey...at least she came) with this unpleasant annoyed look on her face. For the longest time, only our mom believed us that our stepmom was mean to us. Whenever my dad's parents were visiting, she was suddenly nice and would talk to us and address us as real people. After a few years, my dad's sister and her small children came to visit and my stepmom was pretty awful to the kids and only then, once my aunt when home and told my grandparent's did they believe that SM wasn't nice to us. She was never nice to us at their house again. I dunno, reading this thread, I see that lots of people had much worse stepparent issues. My SM basically, just refuses to treat me as a person, to acknowledge my existence. It has gotten better as I've become an adult....when I see her, we sometimes speak a whole sentence or 2 to each other. I know from my dad that after all these years, she finally does realize I'm an intelligent competent adult. I think a lot of my academic accomplishments are because of her....always trying to be the best so maybe she'd finally think I was good enough and like me. She really prefers my brother..they have a lot more interests in common. We're all ok though. It's not a good relationship....it is what it is though and I think we're all comfortable with where things are right now. Oddly, as much as I could blame my dad for bringing her into my life...I know he really does love her and the way she treated my brother and I is really the only thing they ever fight about.
As for my SD...my mom met and married him when I was 10. He'd never had kids and suddenly moved in with a 10 and a 9yr old. He was good at not pressuring us to treat him as our dad. We already have a dad. He was very generous, although misguided in his attempts at doing stuff for us. He'd buy some junky snowmobile or dirtbike and promise he'd work with my brother to fix it up...and then leave it sit in the garage untouched. He was also almost always at school events. The bad....he picked fights with my brother and ruined dinner almost every night with fights. He was very discouraging of new ideas. I remember coming home from school one day and announcing that I was going to write a novel...his response was that it would never happen and that no one would be interested. He thought my interests were silly. He was smothering and thought I hated him if I just wanted some space. He HATED the fact that my brother and I were smarter (academically) than him. He was so angry that when I took my SAT's I got a higher score than he had. He was just so threatened by it. He and my mom broke up when I was 17. He refused to move out willingly until my 16yr old brother told him off. I haven't seen him since. My brother still keeps in touch with him somewhat infrequently and my mom used to run into him in town sometimes. I feel bad complaining because he wasn't the worst stepparent in the world and my life wasn't all that bad, but he made my HS years much tougher than necessary and triggered a lot of the self conciousness issues that I have today.
All that being said, even though my stepparents weren't great, I can't go back and change any of it. My parents....my mom especially....made up for it all and I feel like I escaped my childhood relatively unscathed. I see everyday how my DP's parenting has left him with a lot of negative qualities and self-image, self-worth problem. His parents are married and he has no stepparent involved.
I really think the most important thing a step parent can do is just try their best. Every parent makes mistakes, but doing the best you can for your kids (step or bio) is all you can aim for. As long as you've made a conscious effort to support your kids in what they do, to treat them respectfully and love them, I don't think much harm can be done.

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by anitaj71

But back to being a step parent:

Generally speaking, step children want nothing to do with the new partner(s). As a step parent one is walking into a situation, in the very beginning, where they are not welcome by the children, and most of the time, the exes.

Double whammy. The ex talks trash about the new partner, the kids want to be loyal to the parent so they do their best to not accept the new partner. Even if there is no negative press from the ex the step parent is still seen as the interloper the 'new' person. Their dad's wife. Not a friendly aunt, second mom, another adult to love etc. Just their dad's wife/partner. Taking away attention and love from the child. Competition.

We are resented just because we exist in these childrens' lives and we haven't done anything yet! (Bio parents build up resentment with their actions over the years whatever that may be.) But as step parents we are resented the moment we walk in the door ( figuratively speaking) . Add all the other complications that come with 'blending' a family and it would make any normal person want to give up.

It's easy to blame the step parent for how hard the childrens lives are. The blame for the pain and loss in their lives. Heck, we are just the partner of their parent. There is no parental connection, no parental love. Just two 'sides' trying to get along. Yes, there is and can be lots of love I'm not suggesting there is not . . . it just takes time . . . please do not flame for that last comment.

I'm not sure if that came out right. I have a hard time articulating my thoughts and feelings . . .

Having a thread of 'what one didn't appreciate' about the step parent just brings up, for me anyway, the immediate feeling of inadequate stuff of being a step parent. I can't be perfect and loving all the time. I'm not perfect and loving to my own children all the time.

ITA, and minor threadjack

For me I felt every one of the things you listed, and additionally I had my dh's previous wife's family talking trash about us to our coworkers, and telling dsd vicious lies about us, just to add to the fun. We had a lovely first few years.

If we started a thread about 'what we didn't appreciate about our stepkids' it would quickly get shut down, I'm sure. And truthfully, over the years, I've come to realize that every obnoxious thing my dsd has ever done has come from something an adult has taught her. It's been a long haul, but she even makes me laugh now, and there was a time I would never have thought that possible. I walked into a no-win situation and very nearly walked right back out of it. My first post to MDC asking for help was met with accusations and recrimination, and it was over a year after that dsd was finally diagnosed with an attachment disorder. Stepparents are expected to be superhuman and uncomplaining, loving in the face of hatred, saintly and above reproach at all times, and somehow let every hurtful word and action roll off our backs because we're the adult.

I don't think anyone can prepare you for the job, or warn you about the multitude of ways you can be unappreciated, insulted, hurt, abused and maligned, and then told to rise above it because you're the adult. Your things can be stolen and broken and you can be sneered at openly yet you're still expected to be loving and patient with the person who does these things because you're the adult.

You can deal with your stepchild whenever they've spent time with a relative who spends the entire visit telling them what a POS you are so when they come home they act like a little turd for the next week before they scale back to their normal level of obnoxious behavior, but if you try to enforce any discipline, you don't like them or are characterized as the evil stepmother.

You can spend lots of money dragging your stepkid to therapy while they treat it as a joke until you finally find the right therapist after wasting thousands of dollars, all the while being told by people what a failure you are as a parent and how immature you are because you can't deal with your stepkid, you evil stepmother kid hater.

Now that we have a good therapist, we've seen major improvements. My dsd is doing better in school, the stealing has stopped, the lying has mostly stopped, and I can have fun with her, which again, is something I honestly never thought would be possible a couple of years ago. It still galls me that relatives who have done nothing but try to sabotage our relationship and who have stolen from her can contact her and she thinks the sun shines out their rear ends when all they do is manipulate her and try to cause problems in our household. I worry she's permanently got 'whipped dog syndrome' because no matter how many times they disappoint her she still gets excited when they make promises they invariably break, and I see the same things play out in her friendships at school. Of course, I can't give her advice, because even though our relationship has improved, she doesn't trust me to that degree yet, and those dysfunctional patterns she witnessed in biomom's family were deeply ingrained at an early age.

So, from a stepmom's POV, I can totally see her 10 years from now saying she didn't appreciate me disciplining her, or taking over the mom role, or keeping her from her relatives, but the reality is, her dad works all the time, her mom killed herself and never wanted to have that much to do with her anyway, and her relatives lie to her about sending cards and letters and didn't bother to come see her that much even when we lived close by. Like it or not, I'm the only mom she's got, yk? She doesn't know it, but she never had a mom, and a lot of the memories she has of her biomom are fabricated.

That's a lot of heavy psychological junk for a kid, and a lot of somebody else's garbage for a stepmom to have to just let roll of my back because I'm the adult. I'm sure everyone's situation isn't as bizarre and psychologically twisted as ours, but I would venture a guess that nobody knows the full story of their parents' relationship any better than my dsd knows hers. And I'm sure as he!! not going to be the one to tell her, no matter how much it pi$$es me off to catch the blame for a bunch of stuff that happened before I knew any of them.

I know in the first years I had to monitor myself to be fair because truthfully, I did like my ds better, but who wouldn't like their own child better when they were getting nothing but hate vibes from their stepchild, and their stepchild was stealing their things and breaking them deliberately?
We noticed we both had a tendency to cut our own child more slack with regards to discipline at first so we now collaborate and monitor it to try to keep it balanced until it becomes second nature. It's getting easier.


A question for stepkids-do you think it's easier to adjust to a stepparent when you're younger? I would think it would be more difficult for a teen, but I don't know if that's true, since I've not been a stepkid myself.