Helping DD get over it? (unhappy birthday experience)

[moodymaximus]

7 months ago DD had her 6th birthay, and it is coming out now, on the eve of her brother's 4th birthday, that it didn't go exactly as she was hoping.

i do feel i'm partly to blame. the birthday was on the first day of our vacation. anticipating busyness, and knowing we'd have a 6 weeks old baby, we talked about the birthday in advance and agreed on some advance gifts. DD chose a doll with 4-5 outfits, and since she was our official birth photographer, she also wanted a new camera. we did prepare a gift for her on the actual birthday, but the whol day was kind of rushed, i admit.

in the evening of that day we invited over (without consulting with DD ) our new neighbours, an elderly couple, who DD had met several days ago and LOVED spending time with them. we thought it would be a nice surpise.

well, she hated that we didn't consult her. and that we didn't cancel when she told us she didnt' want them to come and celebrate with her--well, they were already walking towards us!

she voiced unhappiness about it in the last months, and i alwasy apologised, and that was it. but now, as we are preparing for her brother's birthday, it is really intense.

a week ago she cried for a long time, mad at me for inviting the couple, for giving her gifts in advance, and for everything that went wrong. i felt just awful, and guilty too, even though i did try my best to make it special for her.

i ended up telling her that we can have an un-birthday, a day "just because", when we'd celebrate her, and she gets to make all the choices. she was happy. she chose who to invite, etc.

but still, every day, she is upset about her birthday and talks about it. and she admits that she is so upset because her brother gets to have this birthday the way he wants. so jealousy is a big issue. not only that, but she keeps trying to influence her brother not to have the party and not to invite his friends, saying that she will be too upset etc (this is very difficult for me to deal with). i empathise and apologise. i tell her that unfortunately we can't always get what we want--i wanted teh best day for her ever, and it didn't work out, and i'm upset. even if she plans the best unbirthday, it might not happen this way.

she's very intense about it, and doesn't seem to be happy or excited about the unbirthday anymore...only unhappy about her brother's party.

this breaks my heart, and i know i can't "fix" everything, i'd like for her to have a good experience, since I know i could've been more attuned to her on her actual birthday.

but i'm feel even the unbirthday won't help her, and possibly, might make things worse, if it is not exactly as she plans.

[talk de jour]

Seriously?

A six-year-old child is agonizing for MONTHS because she "wasn't consulted" on a few additional guests at a birthday party?

And she's getting to have an entire, new, self-centered party because of said agonizing?

And she's STILL up in arms about it?

I'm sorry mama, but that sounds like a real problem on the psychological level, and I don't think any amount of extra partying or whatever is going to fix that. I also don't think you did anything to warrant this -- in fact, I'm not even sure that, in her mind, it's *really* about the party.

[amcal]

I would ask her to come up with a solution.

If it were my child, I would validate their feelings. Tell them that I am sorry they didn't get the birthday they wanted. Don't minimize it - let them know you understand how disappointing that can be.

But, I don't let my kids stay in "poor me" mode for long. I ask them what they feel is a good solution. How can we make this better?

Let her know there is nothing you can do to go back and fix what has disappointed her so, rather than focusing on being so disappointed about something that can't be changed, ask her for ways you can help make the situation better. Ask her what you can do now to help her to feel better. Engage her in the solution.

I'm sorry, mama. Not one of us is a perfect parent but, I wouldn't allow my child to punish me for not getting the birthday of their dreams. You've apologized for your part and, at least for me, I really try to get my children to see that once someone has sincerely apologized, it's time to focus on a solution and to begin to move on. I don't tell them they can't feel what they feel but, they aren't allowed to continue to punish anyone for things they can't change. They need to focus on a solution and work on letting it go.

[Hesperia]

Maybe use some dolls, and try to 'act' through some feelings.

I don't think it is unusual for a six year old to hold on to intense feelings, we have no way of knowing how deeply something affects them, just because we could get over disappointment easily, doesn't mean they have those coping skills.

Maybe talk to her about spending some one-on-one time, doing facials or giving each other hand massages. If it were my daughter, I would try to let the birthday issue go, while still giving her some alone time during her brothers birthday.

I would sit her down, and tell her exactly what you just typed. Telling you you feel like it was your fault in some ways, but you were trying to make it a special day. Tell her you are sorry and everyone makes mistakes, that you have forgiven yourself and are looking forward to tomorrow with her.

You can only do what you can do. Help her get through this gently, but I'd not focus too much more energy onto it, because that often just keeps those angry flames lit.

Hope it all works out smoothly.

[meemee]

if you look at all the details you will find - it really isnt about a birthday. it was more about how it was done. she got no say. it wasnt special. AND there is a new baby.

are you getting enough one on one time with her? i think its more about that. that she is missing the close connection with you. by time with you i mean just you and her. doing something that is NOT about the other siblings. it wont surprise me if in her world she feels 'abandoned'. being intense they really blow everything out of proportion. so it isnt that you are doing it - its more the story they are telling themselves and getting all emotional about it.

also know this is a typical 6 year phase. its like a preteen or early teen phase.

if you are able to check this book out. this series by louise ames bates are dead on.

http://www.amazon.com/Your-Six-Year-.../dp/0440506743

this is an excerpt from the description of the book
'The six-year-old is a complex child, entirely different from the five-year-old. Though many of the changes are for the good -- Six is growing more mature, more independent, more daring and adventurous -- this is not necessarily an easy time for the little girl or boy. Relationships with mothers are troubled -- most of the time Six adores mother, but whenever things go wrong, it's her fault. It used to be, at Five, that she was the center of the child's universe; now, the child is the center of his own universe.'

one book i want to read that i havent is 'hold on to your child' hoping it will give me tips to help my child and see that the world is not as bad as she thinks it is.

btw my dd is 6 too and i see this extreme emotional expression of extreme issues not just with her but with her friends too.

because she is hurting she needs a lot of empathy. and when she feels 'heard' enough she will come out of it. at least that's how i have seen it happen with my dd. where i reflect back what she says and i dont give any imput apart from further guessing how she felt. works wonders i tell you.

i make it all about her and not about me at all. i am just there to listen.

[Breeder]

I agree with Meemee.

Six year olds commonly fixate on things, yes sometimes for months. At this age they often need to act out and talk about an upsetting event over and over to process it.

I would validate her feelings, emphasize that she not make her brother feel the same way and then have her work toward her own goal.

"DD I am sorry you are sad about your birthday. It is hard when things don't go the way we want isn't it? It is almost your brother's birthday. Let's help him to make it a happy day. We wouldn't want him to feel bad too, would we?"

Then I would have her start working on a folder for ideas of her next party. She could draw pictures of how she wants to decorate, what kind of cake she wants, who she wants to invite etc etc and then you could sit down with her and talk about how her next birthday will go. - This way you are encouraging her to look forward while at the same time allowing her to heal from not feeling special on her special day.

Don't beat yourself up - you were just recovering from the birth of a baby and doing the best you could.

[elizawill]

Originally Posted by Breeder

Then I would have her start working on a folder for ideas of her next party. She could draw pictures of how she wants to decorate, what kind of cake she wants, who she wants to invite etc etc and then you could sit down with her and talk about how her next birthday will go. - This way you are encouraging her to look forward while at the same time allowing her to heal from not feeling special on her special day.

i think this is a wonderful idea. you have discussed what went wrong, you have allowed her to express her disappointment & you've apologized to her, etc. that's really all anyone can do. we all make mistakes, and i think it's reasonable to expect a 6 year old to forgive you for this. i know with my daughter if i continued to focus on the past birthday and apologize over and over, it might validate her feelings to the point that the issue becomes bigger than it needs to be. i think doing a lapbook of sorts or a special "party plannig folder" would be great! it still validates that her party is indeed very important to you and that you all really want it be exactly as she plans. but it also turns a negative into a positive. you cannot undo the previous party, but you can enjoy planning for the next one.

hope it gets better. hugs

[elizawill]

Originally Posted by talk de jour

Seriously?

A six-year-old child is agonizing for MONTHS because she "wasn't consulted" on a few additional guests at a birthday party?

And she's getting to have an entire, new, self-centered party because of said agonizing?

And she's STILL up in arms about it?

I'm sorry mama, but that sounds like a real problem on the psychological level, and I don't think any amount of extra partying or whatever is going to fix that. I also don't think you did anything to warrant this -- in fact, I'm not even sure that, in her mind, it's *really* about the party.

do you have children? just curious.

[moodymaximus]

i'm doing all the "right" things--empathising, focusing on 1:1 time, helping her to focus on the positives...and it is so frustrating that nothing seems to be working.

just 1 hour ago, she started talking about it, and i said exactly what was suggested above--how sorry i'm her birthday didn't work out, and that we don't want her brother's birthday to not work out, and that we always hope for the best and hope things will work out etc...

and she completely broke down crying, repeating that it isn't fair that her brother gets to have a good one, and she didn't. and very typically she's exaggerating--she NEVER got to have a good one, and he ALWAYS gets to have one (while it is his first that he's even having company over...)

and true, there are other issues--we moved, dh is working in another province, many new things...it is hard to give her 1:1 without anyone interrupting...and she's always been very emotional and with streaks of anxiety...

the truth is, the solution talk tends not to work with her, because she suggests things which are completely unworkable. like for her next birthday--we will be visiting DH up north on her birthday, and then we can have a party for her back here when we are back. and she only focuses that she wants DH AND the party at the same time. and the fact that this way she will have 2 parties is not making it any better. and she wants that party (with everyone there) in that glow in the dark place where she had her friend's party, which she agrees was a total disaster (poorly organised), and i simply can't do it--none of the kids liked it, she didn't like it, the place was terribly expensive etc. arrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[talk de jour]

Originally Posted by elizawill

do you have children? just curious.

no. I don't expect my opinion to have any weight due to that, but the whole thing just shocked me.

[moodymaximus]

Originally Posted by talk de jour

no. I don't expect my opinion to have any weight due to that, but the whole thing just shocked me.

okay, dissmissed!

[elizawill]

well, imo...it sounds like you're pleading for forgiveness and honestly, i just don't think that is necessary. the more you try to make it "right" it seems the spider web is becoming more and more tangled, lol. lastly, i would simply tell your dd the plain and simple truth, ... "hey, you know what? i'm doing the very best i know how. i wasn't trying to ruin your party. i would never do a thing to intentionally make your life miserable. my memory of your party was that it was really nice. i'm sorry your memory of it is different. we will try to have a great party when you turn 7. that's all we can do. it was a mistake. i will make more in my life because i'm human. i hope you will learn to forgive me. i love you."

[elizawill]

Originally Posted by talk de jour

no. I don't expect my opinion to have any weight due to that, but the whole thing just shocked me.

no - your opinion still has weight for sure! post away!!! i was just curious because your response sounded child-free, lol.

[talk de jour]

Originally Posted by elizawill

no - your opinion still has weight for sure! post away!!! i was just curious because your response sounded child-free, lol.

I'm not child*free* in the "kid hater don't want em" sense, we just don't have 'em yet!

[elizawill]

Originally Posted by talk de jour

I'm not child*free* in the "kid hater don't want em" sense, we just don't have 'em yet!

yea, i figured you aren't a child hater. i mean, you have over 2,000 posts on the mothering boards, ha ha.

[talk de jour]

Originally Posted by elizawill

yea, i figured you aren't a child hater. i mean, you have over 2,000 posts on the mothering boards, ha ha.

ya never know, they could all be child-hating posts.

[philomom]

No, no no. I think you've coddled and apologized long enough. Life doesn't go as we want it to.... that's the very nature of the thing. You need to get some backbone here and tell her next time she brings up the "bad birthday" that you are not listening. She may make plans for her next birthday. That's all. If her brother's birthday is too "traumatic" for her... arrange for her to do something else that day. Maybe she can have a playdate at someone else's house.

Please don't hold your family hostage to an over dramatic 6 year old.

[amcal]

I totally agree. It's time to stop trying to make it right. It's time to stop allowing her to punish you and your family for something you can not fix.

She needs to learn how to cope with disappointment and how to move on. I competely disagree that this is normal 6 year old behavior. I get that 6 year olds fixate on things, are dramatic etc... but to be this fixated and dramatic 7 months later isn't ok.

She needs to start moving past this.

I would tell her you're no longer going to be punished for something you can not fix.

[mammastar2]

There's one child in my family who really needs that extra prodding not to dwell excessively on past wrongs or to wallow in things that don't go right. I agree that it can be very frustrating, especially when something quite small at the time starts to take over and cancel out everything that was positive!

It just seems to take a lot of rinsing and repeating, trying to balance empathy with being somewhat brisk and practical. I would suggest that you leave the birthday alone for a while. If she is going to sulk about her brother's birthday, I'd ignore it, reassure him, and continue being sweet to her but not bring it up too much - she'll just keep picking at that scab. If she brings it up, continue to gently help her find practical solutions, but don't feed her sense that her last birthday was a great tragedy that must be fixed.

In the meantime, try to help her find solutions to other little things in her life, and model doing the same in yours - "oh dear, I was really looking forward to picking up some of my favourite whatever-it-is at the supermarket since it was on special. I could just about taste it! But it's all sold out. Hm, should we check if they give out rainchecks? Or we could try this instead." or "Oh, I'm disappointed in these boots I bought. They got a hole after only three weeks. I'm going to go talk to the manager at the store and explain the problem."

[limabean]

Originally Posted by moodymaximus

the truth is, the solution talk tends not to work with her, because she suggests things which are completely unworkable.

"Sorry, kiddo, that won't work out. Would you like me to help you think of ways for us to have a fun celebration or would you like to figure it out on your own?"

I allow my kids a certain amount of time for a pity party, but after that, although I'll still be kind, I become very matter-of-fact -- it's time to come up with a solution about how to move forward. Having people fret over you and coddle you can feel pretty good, but it can also make you get stuck in that "woe is me" mode and have trouble snapping out of it. I think you've done PLENTY of apologizing/making it up to her. Maybe if you let go of your guilt over the way her b-day went she'll be able to move past this.

Hope your son has fun at his party!