Helping DD get over it? (unhappy birthday experience) - Page 3

[moodymaximus]

Thank you for all the replies! Frankly, I don't get what those mean who say "My kid wouldn't be permitted to feel this way / to affect others in the family with their negativity." I can't prohibit feelings, and don't want to either. Feelings are feelings. Okay, in my less than perfect moments I do want to prohibit feelings but this is not what I want to be doing.

Just a little update: The Unbirthday went great. Simpe, family time, 1 guest of her choice, nothing over-the top. there was one "big" disappointment during the day, but she handled it well.

I don'r believe she's a drama queen--she does not exaggerate, though to me / the rest of the world her behaviours seem exaggerated. But she feels things deeply. Very difficult for me, but oh well. That's her. :

[amcal]

I don't think anyone said she can't feel a certain way, they said she's not allowed to use her feelings as justification to hurt other people.

I'm glad things worked out!

[moodymaximus]

Originally Posted by amcal

I don't think anyone said she can't feel a certain way, they said she's not allowed to use her feelings as justification to hurt other people.

I'm glad things worked out!

Okay, but how would you enforce this? Her feelings are her feelings, and they are not easy for me at times, but if she's negative and miserable, and it IS affecting others, I don't see a way out.

this was said below: >>>>In my home, one child would not be permitted to project her negative feelings onto a sibling's party; she could be happy and contribute positive ideas, or she could go to her room and be away from the rest of the family if she felt the need to act in a negative way (we call it acting "ugly"). When she was ready to contribute in a loving way, she would be more than welcome to participate.
<<<

So do you force a child to stay in his/her room? How do you enforce it? Lock the door? I'm asking, because I can't envision this. DD would not go willingly.

[amcal]

I don't know that I would lock a door but, if I said they needed to stay in their room until they could choose to be kind then they would stay in their room.

If it meant that I had to walk them back to their room 100 times, I would.

Honestly, I only use their room for major infractions. It's a huge punishment for my kids to be upstairs and away from the family so really, I have them sit in the living room which is away from others but they can still see the kitchen/family room (where we all are) so it doesn't send them into a panic.

From there, I can continue to reassure them that I understand they are upset or angry etc.... but that they can not hurt other people and once they feel under control, they may get up. I give them the power to put a timeline on how long they have to sit in the other room.

But, for a serious issue, I would make them go to their room until they were able to choose to act differently. And, if I had to walk them back to their room 100 times I would.

I never tell my kids they can't feel a certain way. I always try to validate their feelings. It's not the feelings that are the issue. It's using those feelings to hurt others that won't be tolerated.

[moondiapers]

The first couple of times I would have hugged and and listened, but after that...

I'd just say, "I'm sorry things didn't go the way you want them to. It's time to move on. We'll make sure to get your input next time."

Then I'd change the subject or walk away. I don't have much patience for drama and self-pity.

I honestly believe that we do our kids a big disservice trying to make everything fair and perfect for them. Life is full of disapointments and sheilding them from all of it isn't preparing them for real life.

We don't even do a party every year. We do a cake, and they get to pick what I make for dinner, then they open presents from mom and dad. That's it. Every few years we'll have a big party with friends.

[EnviroBecca]

I really looked forward to my 10th birthday. Because I was rolling over a digit for possibly the only time in my life, it seemed super-special, and also I was going to Girl Scout camp for an overnight!! Well, the weather was lousy, so we sloshed around in the mud all day at camp, and then I came down with a stomach bug and was up all night puking.

My parents' response was one I'm surprised nobody's suggested here: They listened very empathetically, and then each of them told me about one of THEIR birthdays that had been very disappointing. "Everybody gets a bad birthday once in a while." That was very, very helpful.

[Peony]

Originally Posted by moodymaximus

Thank you for all the replies! Frankly, I don't get what those mean who say "My kid wouldn't be permitted to feel this way / to affect others in the family with their negativity." I can't prohibit feelings, and don't want to either. Feelings are feelings. Okay, in my less than perfect moments I do want to prohibit feelings but this is not what I want to be doing.

Just a little update: The Unbirthday went great. Simpe, family time, 1 guest of her choice, nothing over-the top. there was one "big" disappointment during the day, but she handled it well.

I don'r believe she's a drama queen--she does not exaggerate, though to me / the rest of the world her behaviours seem exaggerated. But she feels things deeply. Very difficult for me, but oh well. That's her. :

Good to hear! My DD1 had her 6th B-day a couple weeks ago (her 5th was one that was bad and she was obsessed over it), it also went very well, and she hasn't mentioned her other B-day once since then either! It's nice that this new good memory can cancel out the bad one finally.