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Originally Posted by Lilypie32
 Am I missing something here? Your "DF"? That means your not even married so how can this child even be your stepchild? She is your DF's child. What is a biomom? Is this biomom the adopted mom?
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Originally Posted by Lilypie32
Sounds like only your DF should deal with the Mom and not you. I'd step back and let him deal with it.
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), or trying to contact the dad via text message to make sure everyone is on the same page, a person calls police, then whoever opens the door is stuck with dealing with situation.
, unless you were in "stepmom" shoes, you probably won't understand how challenging it is to get kids even look at you favorably, but to call you "mom" of their own accord - well, they must REALLY need a mother figure there, and she was missing obviously for a good while for them to know that now they have two. ), her chorus recitals, her first kiss, her first break up, first job search, soon enough I'll be teaching her how to drive! Please, don't put the piece of paper between us... She lives here FT now, and we bake, we cook, we talk about school, friends, and boys, we go to the gym, we cry and laugh together. I love her and she loves me, and to me she is my stepdaughter, I am her father's wife, and our lives, finances, and house are connected in multitude of ways that make us family.
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Originally Posted by Oriole
I agree with stepping back in general, but I don't think OP had a chance here...
First of all, the kids are with her full-time. Mom sees them 6 hours a week. That alone implies that OP is very likely to have to deal with their mom directly. At the same time, if instead of getting in the car and driving to pick up a kid (and I know something about pick ups, and all kinds of obstacles, and changes of plans, been there done that since dsd was 7 until she was 14 ), or trying to contact the dad via text message to make sure everyone is on the same page, a person calls police, then whoever opens the door is stuck with dealing with situation.Here are my general thoughts on the topic... * Mom doesn't pay CS shows lack of interest to support the child financially. In our situation, DP paid pretty penny through thick and thin, so I'm not looking very favorably at people who skip this part. We are not receiving any CS either, and it's not always easy. * Mom is a mom, she probably loves her children very much, but it doesn't sound like she makes them her priority. *shrug* Backing away from overnights? 14 DSS cases open (even if it's only 5 it doesn't look good), not paying CS? Calling police the day of pick up instead of text-messaging or actually driving to see her kids? All of this doesn't paint a good picture... * I think OP feels a bit defensive in the whole situation, and if I was in her shoes, as I mentioned before, I probably would relax a few rules. At the same time, I don't believe one has to be married to be anything to anyone! With such high rates of divorces, a piece of paper is just that, a piece of paper. Obviously, the kids care enough to want to call her mom! Let me tell you , unless you were in "stepmom" shoes, you probably won't understand how challenging it is to get kids even look at you favorably, but to call you "mom" of their own accord - well, they must REALLY need a mother figure there, and she was missing obviously for a good while for them to know that now they have two.DP and I are not married, but even so, our relationship has lasted 8 happy years, and I was here for pick ups, cs, broken finger, camping trips, parent-teacher conferences, F's in math, play dates, sleepovers, doctor's when her allergies were eating up her eyes, and flu that resulted in fever that drove me to the pharmacy at 12 in the morning after a full day of school and work, and orthodontists' visits (ask me later how many of her appointments were made by her mom ), her chorus recitals, her first kiss, her first break up, first job search, soon enough I'll be teaching her how to drive! Please, don't put the piece of paper between us... She lives here FT now, and we bake, we cook, we talk about school, friends, and boys, we go to the gym, we cry and laugh together. I love her and she loves me, and to me she is my stepdaughter, I am her father's wife, and our lives, finances, and house are connected in multitude of ways that make us family.Going back to the "mom" comment... Kids don't use words like that lightly. Goodness, I was all kinds of patient, and understanding, and playful, and loving, and dsd only saw me as a threat to her relationship with her father, it took years for her to warm up to me (she calls me by my first name, and I'm more than fine and dandy with all of it, she has a mom she loves and needs heh), but whenever children choose to call someone "mom" or "dad", not because they were told to do so, but because they want to, that should say something to the community that prides itself on listening to children's needs and concerns. At least that's what I think about the situation. P.S. If I have my child's interest at heart, I won't be calling police to see whether or not I can pick her up, you BET I'll be there at 12, and if possible, at 11 to my kid I missed for a week. I speak of personal experience, we did 100% of driving despite court stipulations. For her sake, we never involved police, and even now are not taking her mom to court for CS so that she doesn't see her parents fighting in court, money isn't everything, yk? |
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Originally Posted by Oriole
I agree with stepping back in general, but I don't think OP had a chance here...
First of all, the kids are with her full-time. Mom sees them 6 hours a week. That alone implies that OP is very likely to have to deal with their mom directly. At the same time, if instead of getting in the car and driving to pick up a kid (and I know something about pick ups, and all kinds of obstacles, and changes of plans, been there done that since dsd was 7 until she was 14 ), or trying to contact the dad via text message to make sure everyone is on the same page, a person calls police, then whoever opens the door is stuck with dealing with situation.Here are my general thoughts on the topic... * Mom doesn't pay CS shows lack of interest to support the child financially. In our situation, DP paid pretty penny through thick and thin, so I'm not looking very favorably at people who skip this part. We are not receiving any CS either, and it's not always easy. * Mom is a mom, she probably loves her children very much, but it doesn't sound like she makes them her priority. *shrug* Backing away from overnights? 14 DSS cases open (even if it's only 5 it doesn't look good), not paying CS? Calling police the day of pick up instead of text-messaging or actually driving to see her kids? All of this doesn't paint a good picture... * I think OP feels a bit defensive in the whole situation, and if I was in her shoes, as I mentioned before, I probably would relax a few rules. At the same time, I don't believe one has to be married to be anything to anyone! With such high rates of divorces, a piece of paper is just that, a piece of paper. Obviously, the kids care enough to want to call her mom! Let me tell you , unless you were in "stepmom" shoes, you probably won't understand how challenging it is to get kids even look at you favorably, but to call you "mom" of their own accord - well, they must REALLY need a mother figure there, and she was missing obviously for a good while for them to know that now they have two.DP and I are not married, but even so, our relationship has lasted 8 happy years, and I was here for pick ups, cs, broken finger, camping trips, parent-teacher conferences, F's in math, play dates, sleepovers, doctor's when her allergies were eating up her eyes, and flu that resulted in fever that drove me to the pharmacy at 12 in the morning after a full day of school and work, and orthodontists' visits (ask me later how many of her appointments were made by her mom ), her chorus recitals, her first kiss, her first break up, first job search, soon enough I'll be teaching her how to drive! Please, don't put the piece of paper between us... She lives here FT now, and we bake, we cook, we talk about school, friends, and boys, we go to the gym, we cry and laugh together. I love her and she loves me, and to me she is my stepdaughter, I am her father's wife, and our lives, finances, and house are connected in multitude of ways that make us family.Going back to the "mom" comment... Kids don't use words like that lightly. Goodness, I was all kinds of patient, and understanding, and playful, and loving, and dsd only saw me as a threat to her relationship with her father, it took years for her to warm up to me (she calls me by my first name, and I'm more than fine and dandy with all of it, she has a mom she loves and needs heh), but whenever children choose to call someone "mom" or "dad", not because they were told to do so, but because they want to, that should say something to the community that prides itself on listening to children's needs and concerns. At least that's what I think about the situation. P.S. If I have my child's interest at heart, I won't be calling police to see whether or not I can pick her up, you BET I'll be there at 12, and if possible, at 11 to my kid I missed for a week. I speak of personal experience, we did 100% of driving despite court stipulations. For her sake, we never involved police, and even now are not taking her mom to court for CS so that she doesn't see her parents fighting in court, money isn't everything, yk? |
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Originally Posted by Lilypie32
Am I missing something here? Your "DF"? That means your not even married so how can this child even be your stepchild? She is your DF's child. What is a biomom? Is this biomom the adopted mom?
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Originally Posted by Smithie
"The one who brings up a child is to be called its parent, not the one who gave birth." (Exodus Rabbah 46:5)
That's the gender-neutral translation, anyway. The original Hebrew has one dude raising the baby that some other dude gave birth to. Seriously, though, but by the time the woman who gave birth has FIFTEEN DSS cases and only sees the children 6 hours/week, isn't it time to let the kids move on emotionally and get to a place where they are no longer looking to receive mother-love from a person who very clearly can't give it in a safe and sustained manner? My family is not blended, but when my kids run into a less-than-stellar adult who doesn't treat them well, I make no bones about the fact that the adult is missing a piece, and missing out on a great opportunity to build a relationship with them. |
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Originally Posted by mild_adventurer
I've been shying away from this thread since I first saw it pop up a couple of weeks ago. But it feels so close and so personal to me, I do feel obliged to speak up about my own personal experience with a custodial Dad and a biological mother who had visitation but was severely negligent.
My Dad had full legal and physical custody. I don't doubt for one single moment that my biological mother loved me. And I don't think that for one single moment, my father doubted that she loved me. But despite the fact that she gave birth to me, she was NOT equipped to raise children. Being a parent is so much more than the simple ability to reproduce. My father bent over backwards to facilitate my BIOLOGICAL mother having a relationship with myself and my little sister. He drove for hours on weekends, from state to state, to make sure we could see her. He sent her money, he made excuses to her bosses when she skipped work, he told us every single day how much our mother loved us. And then, when my step-mother came on the scene, she BENT OVER BACKWARDS to help my biological mother have a functional relationship with us. My step-mom spent hours on the phone with my biological mom, counseling her through her mental illness. She sent her money. She helped her move when her boyfriend kicked her out. But you know what, ultimately, no one could help my biological mother be a MOMMY. She had to make that happen for herself. I know she WANTED to be our Mommy, but the truth is, she never got her act together enough to be that to us. And after years and years of our biological mother disappointing us with her famous disappearing acts, bailing on visitations, and generally preventing us from having a happy, secure childhood, my father made the extremely difficult decision to petition the court to end her visitation rights. That's right, he decided that it would be best for his daughters if the never saw their biological mother. After all the crap she put us through, he saw that despite how hard it would be to adjust to not having her in our lives, we would ultimately be better off if she simply was no longer a factor. His petition was granted and we stopped seeing her. My father intercepted all letters and phone calls. Now listen, I'm not saying that what my father did is the right thing for everyone in the position of dealing with a negligent bio-mom. But for us - for our family - it was not only the necessary thing, but the right thing as well. I ultimately had the privilege of growing up in a very stable, loving household with a Dad and a step-mom who I was thrilled to call my mommy (yes, she asked us to do that a bit earlier in our relationship than I was comfortable with then, but I am grateful to her beyond belief for being the Mommy I never had). I think my Dad did the right thing. I know, without a doubt, that I would not be the strong, confident, stable adult I am today if that crazy, unreliable woman had been allowed to run rampant through my adolesence. My father - in a strange way - gave me a very important gift by prohibiting contact with my biological mother when I was in my formative years. I have an "aunt-like" relationship with my biological mother today. As a young adult, I chose to re-establish contact with her. My sister did not choose that path and to this day, does not speak to her. I frankly don't give two toots what the "legal definition" of mother is. And I'll tell you this: no child gives two toots either. My MOM was the one who raised me, fed me, laughed with me, cried with me, held my hair when I was sick and vomiting, bought me my first bra, threw birthday parties for me, sat in the front row at my graduations, went wedding dress shopping with me, gave me money to file for divorce from my first husband when I was poor and barely able to pay my rent, attended the birth of my daughter - her granddaughter, was with me when I bought my first brand new car, takes me out for brunch on Sunday afternoons, and is always, always there for me when I need a woman's perspective, someone to celebrate with, or a shoulder to cry on. The woman who got knocked up when she was 19 and then spent the next 7 years making excuses for why she couldn't make time for her children is NOT MY MOM. The OP should be applauded for loving her sweetheart's children with such reckless abandon that when their biological mother hurts them, she feels their pain so acutely. I was lucky enough to have a MOMMY like that, and I can tell you that one day, as adults, her darling children will look at her and find themselves overcome with emotion for this lovely woman who cared for them so much and was truly, truly there for them always. |
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Originally Posted by mild_adventurer
Being a parent is so much more than the simple ability to reproduce.
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Originally Posted by 2xy
i might add, that it's also more than the ability to feel love for a child. Parenting is a skill. Not everyone has it. Some can learn, some can't.
My dad adopted me when i was two. My bio-dad largely ignored me for most of my life, and although my mom and dad encouraged him to keep in touch, his infrequency and half-heartedness just served to confuse me. I know their hearts were in the right place, but i think i would have been better off if they'd just let him be completely absent. |
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Originally Posted by NaturalMindedMomma
I want to say thank you for this...
I also want to say, she has not had any cases opened in the last year. She has Bi-polar disorder (as do I) and I know how hard it is to parent with this disease. Her and I had a heart to heart the other night when she dropped them off. I do truly believe she is trying. She said that she knows she messed up in the past and just doesn't want them to forget her. I can understand. we are going to start giving her friday overnights every other week. The kids DO like going with her. They never complain and say they miss her from time to time. Jose and I did talk to the kids about calling me mommy and suggested Torre may be a better choice, however, they have continued to call me mommy. It's not something I can stop them from doing really. So we will see what happens. I think she just realizes she made a mistake with them ( a lot of them) and wants to try to patch this up i nanyway she can. Feeling out of the loop in any situation that involves your children is not fun. Anyway, thanks everyone for your advice. |
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Originally Posted by meemee
oh mama!! what a huge change i see between the lines in the earlier posts and this with regards to their mom. i can see the empathy flow right thru. it is wonderful that you got a chance to have a heart to heart talk with her. it seems to have made a world of difference for you.
i think u really see now that she is trying. and having the same diagnosis you can empathise with her how bad it can be. how lucky the children are that they have two moms who care for them very much. maybe i am wrong but it seems OP you see the world differently now. |
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Originally Posted by caro113
Legally - and you can tell the police this - if she doesn't pay her support, she doesn't get visits.
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Originally Posted by sunflowers
I don't know about PA, but you can't deny visits for nonpayment in most states. CS and visitation are completely seperate. The only way around that is if the nonpaying parent has a warrent out for them and then you could call the police when they came to pick the child up.
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