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Wtf bio mom just sent police!!! - Page 4

post #61 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by caro113
Legally - and you can tell the police this - if she doesn't pay her support, she doesn't get visits.



I don't think in PA you are allowed to refuse visits for non payment. I know for a fact ( I am in Reading, too and DH is a police officer around where I am,) they are not allowed to be involved or make judgements in child custody disputes. That would be a civil matter and police are there to deal with criminal issues. I can ask him for sure when he gets home. You'd have to take that back to court.
post #62 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by NaturalMindedMomma View Post
I had to see it from her perspective and more importantly from theirs! They love their mommy and they deserve a relationship with her. I just thought about all the things I went through with my DD in the early days and had I been in her shoes and not had support the way I did, I could have lost my daughter too.

She had them overnight last night and she is keeping them again tonight becasue of an impending storm. She said they are having fun and they even visited their grammy on their mommy's side.

I finally just stepped back and took MYSELF out of the equation and made this about the kids.

Everything is going to be ok, I can see it!
I have to say that I relate in a way. I have guardianship of my niece & nephew. Biologically they are my 2nd cousins, but their mom was raised as my sister. They know me as auntie. But when we went to court, their dad mentioned to the judge that I allowed my niece to call my DH Daddy. She did so because she thought that was his name...she was 18 mos old when she came to live with me, her brother 2 mos. My kids called him Daddy, so she did, too. She called me auntie as she already knew me as that. She'd never met DH before the night she was dropped off. The judge went NUTS on me! I told him that we were working on it to correct it, but in her eyes that was his name. And saying Uncle Jon was rather difficult for her and it was the least of my concerns at the time.

Thankfully, my sister will be getting her children back next month - 100%. Our guardianship was not even 2 years - she was an abuse victim, she was a drug addict. The kids have been with her for a year - I am simply support now. If she can overcome all that, anyone can. She decided to put her children first and fight for them. She gets the reward of having her children because of those choices and efforts. It wasn't easy - we went through all of what you are going through ( we didn't get anything for child support or state aid for the kids either...but that's another LONG story, lol)

I also wanted to add that yes there should be SOME thoughts for the bio-mom, but she made/makes her choices. If she wants the kids to call her mommy, etc, she should act like one. I am not un-sympathetic completely, but life is about the choices we make and as parents, every choice we make can affect our children. OP - you've taken on the role and provided for these children as your own. Thank you for doing that and making a lasting impression in their lives.

Stepping back and seeing things from the kids' points of view is important. They are the real victims in this whole situation. Just run your house your way and remind them that the rules are the rules in your house, period. But the lipstick & candy is her right as a parent. She may not have full custody but she still has rights. For less of a fight maybe you can just keep the stuff she sends in a special spot and send it back with them when they do get to see her.


Sorry this is so long, but I've been there and can relate to most of what you are going through. I know how you feel as the 'NON-parent" parent.

I'm glad there is some progress being made! Continue to acknowledge what she does right, too! It will help things out in the long run!My sister needed to hear that we realized she was working hard and that though we don't agree on parenting styles (couldn't be more different actually), we both love the kids and we both want what is best for them.
post #63 of 71
I have a stepdaughter, age 11, who I have known since she was 13 months old. She is my heart. I adore her. However, I definitely recognize that her mother loves and adores her too, no matter how she came into the world, or for what reason or anything else. She may have given Mona a rough start, but she has definitely turned around, and ALL of us involved (her mom, her stepdad, DH and I) have grown up and realized what is best for Mona. And that is a cordial relationship between the four of us.

Mona calls me Mom and her mother Mommy. Her mother knows this, has always known it, and is okay with it. Mona even calls me mom in front of her mother. It's fine. She's 11, and she's known that she certainly does not have to call me that if she doesn't want to. But we discussed it a few weeks ago actually, and he retort to me was "well, what else would I call you? Stepmom sounds lame. You're just mom."

One thing that I stay VERY adamant about is that if there is occasional uncomfortable point that needs to be discussed (most recently, Mona's schooling) DH DOES THE DISCUSSING WITH MONA'S MOM. I absolutely DO NOT get involved in the drama, short of privately discussing the matter with my DH. Similarly, Mona's stepdad does not deal with any of the drama that needs to be discussed. Of course I care, and I know that stepdad cares, but we really feel that it is detrimental to have "too many cooks in the kitchen". They have beenable to make good decisions. They have not been to court since Mona was 18 months old, and have handled everything through mediation but have not needed it since she was six. I would recommend mediation to a lot of parents, but again, stepdad and I do not participate directly in the mediation.

Now, obviously the OP has a more difficult case than mine. She is involved in the day to day full-time care of these kids, and from the sound of it she does a GREAT job and she loves those kids, I can just feel it in her post. ALso, as her DF was not there when the incident happened, she couldn't help but be involved in the incident. I think she handled it cooly and very well and should be applauded for her cool head. It certainly does not sound to me that OP is in any way standing in the way of the kids' relationship with their mother. If their mother wants to be a part of their lives, not just with time but with love and affection and everything else, the children will open their hearts to her and will love her. And believe it or not, those kids will flourish with the more people they have to love them. As we have learned over the last 10 years, a child cannot have too many people who love them in their lives. I bet there is room for both Mom and Mother. And in case of any confusion...the OP is Mom.

Good luck OP...truly, I have a lot of respect for you.
post #64 of 71
In regards to the bio mom discussion, I refer to my kids' birth father as their bio dad (they prefer to call him a not nice word) because while he is biologically their dad he is most certainly not a father to them like my dh is who has been in their lives for 9 1/2 years. My kids (the two older ones), and daughter especially, hate if he is referred to as a father to them in any way
post #65 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by caro113 View Post
Legally - and you can tell the police this - if she doesn't pay her support, she doesn't get visits.
Visitation does not require an admission fee.
post #66 of 71
in ohio you have two sperate issues with visation and or cs you can not refuse a vist for no support. i have never refused a request for a visit and i am owed aver 49 thousand yes 49.000.00
also in my case my son has decided that the person who is there when your sick and there when you need them is DAD the person responisble for your creation is nothing but father (or a worse name) that was his descision at 7 years old
post #67 of 71
Hey mama, how's this going? Was just thinking of your sitch and thought I'd check in.
post #68 of 71
Thread Starter 
well, it actually unfolded quite strangely. While she had her flaws mom wasn't so bad. We ended up getting along quite well. Without going into details, my fiance left me in an icky way not very long ago and took the kids and gave them to her temporarily.

Those poor kids. I miss them so so much. But they are better with her right now, she is far more stable than he is in all honesty. Their dad needs time to get his self in order.

I am still permitted to visit, although it's hard for me. I try.

Thanks for wondering and thinking if them and me.
post #69 of 71
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post #70 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammastar2 View Post
It sounds very frustrating, and tough on you and the kids.

I do want to say though, that you won't get anywhere by telling yourself that "she isn't a mother" because she doesn't meet your definition of what a mother should be. In the end, you don't get to define whether she is or not - the simple fact is that she's your stepkids' mother, will always be their mother, and they and you will just need to work with the mother they've got. I say that with huge empathy, because she does sound pretty dreadful, but getting your nose out of joint about it simply doesn't help you or them.

And, sadly, sometimes if the parent doesn't share your values, you do have to relax your standards for the kids' sake. You don't have to buy red lipstick for a five year old yourself, but you do have to smile, grit your teeth, say "oh, yes, I see your lipstick! That's a very pretty, bright red isn't it? How about we give it a wash for now so it doesn't rub off on your clothes? It looks like you had some fun with your mommy today." Hey, maybe she was trying to show them some love with the lipstick and candy.

Maybe ease up on the 'mommy' stuff wih the kids. Even if it was their idea, they're being made uncomfortable with it, and she's obviously unhappy with it. I'd just say "you're quite right, I'm your stepmommy and X is your mommy. You've got three parents, but we're all different!"
:

I understand this may just be a rant on your part, but at the same time, as the primary caregiver/parent, you have a tremendous responsibility on your hands. You cannot speak to the children about their mother in anything but positive tones. You have to help them understand their world because she doesn't. The more of a screw-up she is, the more you have to step up and be the bigger person.

I feel great sympathy for you in your situation. I really feel for those poor kids.
post #71 of 71
This is an old thread and the op's situation has now changed. This particular boyfriend and his children are no longer in her life. I'm asking the mods if it can be locked.
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