Originally Posted by NaturalMindedMomma
I had to see it from her perspective and more importantly from theirs! They love their mommy and they deserve a relationship with her. I just thought about all the things I went through with my DD in the early days and had I been in her shoes and not had support the way I did, I could have lost my daughter too.
She had them overnight last night and she is keeping them again tonight becasue of an impending storm. She said they are having fun and they even visited their grammy on their mommy's side.
I finally just stepped back and took MYSELF out of the equation and made this about the kids.
Everything is going to be ok, I can see it!
I have to say that I relate in a way. I have guardianship of my niece & nephew. Biologically they are my 2nd cousins, but their mom was raised as my sister. They know me as auntie. But when we went to court, their dad mentioned to the judge that I allowed my niece to call my DH Daddy. She did so because she thought that was his name...she was 18 mos old when she came to live with me, her brother 2 mos. My kids called him Daddy, so she did, too. She called me auntie as she already knew me as that. She'd never met DH before the night she was dropped off. The judge went NUTS on me! I told him that we were working on it to correct it, but in her eyes that was his name. And saying Uncle Jon was rather difficult for her and it was the least of my concerns at the time.
Thankfully, my sister will be getting her children back next month - 100%. Our guardianship was not even 2 years - she was an abuse victim, she was a drug addict. The kids have been with her for a year - I am simply support now. If she can overcome all that, anyone can. She decided to put her children first and fight for them. She gets the reward of having her children because of those choices and efforts. It wasn't easy - we went through all of what you are going through ( we didn't get anything for child support or state aid for the kids either...but that's another LONG story, lol)
I also wanted to add that yes there should be SOME thoughts for the bio-mom, but she made/makes her choices. If she wants the kids to call her mommy, etc, she should act like one. I am not un-sympathetic completely, but life is about the choices we make and as parents, every choice we make can affect our children. OP - you've taken on the role and provided for these children as your own. Thank you for doing that and making a lasting impression in their lives.
Stepping back and seeing things from the kids' points of view is important. They are the real victims in this whole situation. Just run your house your way and remind them that the rules are the rules in your house, period. But the lipstick & candy is her right as a parent. She may not have full custody but she still has rights. For less of a fight maybe you can just keep the stuff she sends in a special spot and send it back with them when they do get to see her.
Sorry this is so long, but I've been there and can relate to most of what you are going through. I know how you feel as the 'NON-parent" parent.
I'm glad there is some progress being made! Continue to acknowledge what she does right, too! It will help things out in the long run!My sister needed to hear that we realized she was working hard and that though we don't agree on parenting styles (couldn't be more different actually), we both love the kids and we both want what is best for them.