Losing at Games

[columbusmomma]

Ds, 6 1/2 seems to not be able to handle losing at games He blows up if he loses, at: sports, boardgames, games I invent with him, etc. I've tried ignoring his outbursts, explaining things are still fun to play no matter who wins or loses, quitting playing with him when he acts this way,etc. Nothing seems to work. He is a perfectionist with many things but this is honestly getting out of hand. He yells, he cries, he quits. Any thoughts, anyone BTDT? I'm at a loss....! Help!:

[milehighmonkeys]

Maybe hackeysack would be a good game for him. I don't really know how to help, though.

[SweetPotato]

There are lots of fun cooperative games out there-- though I know that doesn't really address the issue itself. We had two when I was growing up that I really enjoyed-- one was about bees and one about beavers-- I'll try to find links if you're interested.

I don't know how you'd feel about this, but do you think you could talk him into teaching a younger child how to play a game and have him "help" the younger child win? Sometimes kids seem to really enjoy being the older one doing the teaching, and maybe having him consciously trying to help the younger child win might carry over to help him enjoy games without feeling like he "has" to win.

[kwg]

We have a book- somthing like How to Lose All your Friends- and it talks about some of the ways people will not want to play with you, like never sharing, changing rules so you win, or pitching a fit if you are losing and other things too. Maybe just reading and talking about that or a similar book/tv show. My ds never seems to listen unless it is about someone else.... lol

[Tracy]

my son was not a huge upsetter when he lost games. But his friend would get wildly upset when he lost. It was all that you described. However, I must say after about six months it all settled down and now he is much better when he loses. I kind of think it is partly developmental. I think your son may grow out of it..especially if you support the part that it is 'playing the game' that is important he'll get there.

hugs

[frontierpsych]

That's how my sister was. It got better as she entered her teen years. I wouldn't worry too much, just model the behavior you would like to see from him and help him express his disappointment when he loses, if possible.

[columbusmomma]

I am interested in reading the book, kwg. Is that the exact title, who is the author?
I do think he will outgrow this at some point, it's just so frustrating! At least when he is involved with team sports he can handle that!
Good idea SweetPotato, he loves teaching and showing and this may be something he could do!
Thanks for the replies! I welcome any suggestions! This is driving me crazy!!

[kwg]

sorry so brief......NAK



http://www.amazon.com/Lose-Your-Frie...0483814&sr=1-1



This one my ds really liked too but I can not remember which manners we were talking about........

http://www.amazon.com/Manners-Can-Fu...0503039&sr=1-2

HTH

[elizawill]

my dd went through that BIG TIME when she was 3 & 4. to help her, i actually played a lot of win/lose games with her. no one played but the two of us (otherwise she would have flipped out). i would fix it intentionally so that i would win and she would win....both of us would obviously lose too. yea i know...it's not honest at all. but it helped her work through the anger and disappointment. we could talk about it honestly and safely.

i think buying non-competitive games is a great idea too! it's just that so many games have winners and losers - so helping my dd understand good sportsmanship was something i wanted for her. good luck. oh...and FWIW i played "scene-it seinfeld" last night with my dh. ...and although i didn't behave badly, i was really ticked off inside that he won, lol.

[columbusmomma]

elizawill I love, love seinfeld!! BTW, what would be some good non-competitive games? i'm having trouble thinking of any!!
Thanks for the book link kwg, just reserved it at the library.

[Purple Cat]

I would try EMPATHY. Maybe really validating how frustrating it is to lose and how disappointing and giving him a big hug would help. It doesn't sound like reasoning with him is working -- but its hard to reason ourselves out of huge emotional responses. When people are extremely upset, they just cannot reason and I think they more just need their feelings addressed, KWIM. After things have settled a bit, I would probably still with a lot of empathy try to help give him some ways to reframe the situation that would model a means of coping in the future. Things like, (1) shaking my head and saying there's always someone better, which I found helpful in dealing with my own perfectionistic tendancies. (2) Bringing the attention back to his performance and improvements or skillful moments during the game. For instance, if he lost the game but made a really great shot at the basket, I would comment on that, to help him be able to focus more on the positive aspects of the game and experiences. I would probably do some reading on helping kids who are perfectionistic because I think that is the source of the problem.

I don't think I would avoid the issue by just doing cooperative games. He needs to learn to deal with the fact we all lose at something all the time.

[mama_mojo]

FWIW, this is something specifically mentioned about 6 yo in the Ames and Ilg book about 6 yos. Someone at least thinks it's developmental...

What we do- before we ever start a game, we remind all players that someone WILL lose and check that everyone is cool with that. Personally, I just cannot let someone flip out and model this kind of behavior, letting the other 2 think it's fine. I totally understand that no one likes to lose; I've told my kids about games I still don't play because losing at these particular games is too hard for me. However, I do not ruin these games for other people, and I expect the same from them. Also, we happily switch from game to game during our game night so everyone gets a chance at the game they like best, which seems to help my crew.

[Bleu]

Originally Posted by Purple Cat

I don't think I would avoid the issue by just doing cooperative games. He needs to learn to deal with the fact we all lose at something all the time.

I know what you're saying, and I have a couple thoughts to add to that.

Of course good sportsmanship is the goal, but different kids can get there (any socially desirable behavior!) at different times. I really go to lengths to avoid setting kids up for a greater challenge than they can realistically handle, and I don't think there's anything wrong with saying to yourself "DS probably can't be anything but a sore loser today since he's tired from soccer/he doesn't know his new playmate all that well yet/he just ate five cookies. That being the case, let's pull out Orchard (or whatever cooperative game) and try Sorry next week." Or even back off on win/loose games for a few months. Children are growing and changing in so many ways all the time, sometimes it seems kinder to just back off on a certain area of social growth if they're striving very hard in another area. Then when they return to the games, or whatever challenge, sometimes they're readier and can deal with it successfully without all the flailing and wailing. More practice doesn't always equal more success - sometimes timing is at work, too.

My other thought is: totally hindsight, but I think starting kids off with cooperative games and then moving into win/lose when they're a bit older is a bit easier for the kid. The competition seems less intrinsic to the notion of "game", I think.

[columbusmomma]

I really appreciated everyone's responses! I'm putting ideas to work