DH pushes weaning :( (cross posted with breastfeeding)

[Yulia_R]

Well, perhaps not everything as dramatic as the title makes it sound, but here is the situation.

My son is 3.5yo and my daughter turned 2yo in November. I’m tandem-nursing both of them. My son doesn’t nurse more than a couple of time a day any longer. My daughter doesn’t nurse much during the day either, but she sure catches up at night (I don’t even remember a night when I wouldn’t wake up at LEAST five-six times).

Anyway, my husband (who is FAR from being mainstream, for the record) is concerned about such an extended nursing. He says that instead of dealing with things, our kids whine for boobie. Also (which is true, I hate to admit) our kids are MUCH whinier around me than they are around DH. It does look like they are creating reasons to get upset and ask for a boobie (that does concern me as well, by the way). Well, having said that, my husband was pushing weaning. I, however, stood firm as far as not weaning them during winter time. Last year they got sick a lot (we moved from AZ to CO last fall and last winter which probably was an adjustment time for them was quite a disaster for us). Nursing is the only thing that kept my kids from going to ER due to dehydration during those nasty stomach bugs and flu. So, I told DH that there was NO WAY I’d wean before spring. I told him that if everything is ok and they are healthy, I’d start encouraging weaning in spring time. He asked me to promise that which I did.

I, however, feel uneasy about this promise. My daughter will be only 2.5 in May.

What would you do? Any advice/input will be appreciated.

Thanks,
Yulia.

[anniegirl]

I think it's very wise of you to continue through the winter!

If it were me I'd tell dh that I regretted promising to wean in the spring because I can't make guarantees like that. The nursing relationship is between you and your children and he doesn't get to say when or how it ends.

I would address the whining though. When my kids get whiny I ask them to use their regular voices and if they don't then they don't whatever it is they're wanting. If they're being whiny because they're having a rough time I might say something like "You sound sad/upset/angry/frustrated etc. Do you want to tell me about it?" And then offer a hug or snuggle him up on my lap. My guess is that if you address the whining your dh will lay off about the nursing.

HTH

[mysticmomma]

http://www.kathydettwyler.org/detwean.html

[Kylix]

It sounds like what your dh is objecting to is not so much the age of your nurslings but (what he sees as) their dependence on it. It seems he wants them to be able to cope with their emotions in other ways than nursing. I don't think that's an unfair desire. Maybe, if he saw them using other self-soothing strategies in addition to nursing, he would feel comfortable with nursing continuing?? Like using a cuddle spot where they can go on their own for hugs and cuddles when they are sad or hurt. Or using squeeze balls, paper and crayons for when they angry?

The nursing relationship is between mother and child and it is up to you to decide what you feel is right, but I think his concerns are valid and it is very nice of you to take them into consideration.

I've never nursed a baby so take everything I say with a grain of salt--but I'm sure some nursing mothers can weigh in on how they weaned their children from nursing for soothing while still continuing to nurse for comfort (if that makes sense).

Good luck!

Kylix

[runes]

OP, it's really challenging to defend extended nursing, especially when it appears that your children are so "dependent" upon it. It is my thought (and experience, with my own DD that is still nursing at a little over 3), that her "dependence" upon nursing is proof that she still needs it so much.

DH is still very supportive of DD's nursing, although he did express some concerns recently, very similar to what your DH expressed. We had a long talk about how DD has been teaching us what she's needed and what she is ready for, and how she has been on her own timetable on so many things without us "pushing" her, and it's been working out, so continuing to nurse is the same. DD was a very early potty learner and she did it almost completely without guidance from us, seemingly overnight, at 21 months (we did do EC, so I guess we did always teach her that pee and poo go in the potty, but I digress...) So I used that as an example and DH understood.

As for using nursing as a coping mechanism, it sounds like your DH might be reacting more to the "whining" part than the "nursing" part. I have no suggestions about that, as I find that nursing is an integral part of mothering my child. Although recently, DH has taken to comforting DD at times when she gets upset/scared/frustrated/hurt, which has forged an incredible bond between them...is it possible that your DH is a bit jealous of your ability to soothe your children that he doesn't yet possess?

I think that there is definitely room to compromise. First off, continuing to nurse through the winter and the worst of the cold/flu season is a brilliant idea. How about asking your DH if it would be acceptable to him that after the winter is over, you both can discuss the next step, your children will be 4 months older and especially with your DS, you both might be surprised how things will have changed for him.

[Yulia_R]

Thank you guys for your replies and support.

I don't think that bringing the subject up for discussion is a good idea at this point. I think that trying to discuss it now, after I made a promise will make DH only more resistant and unsure about the whole nursing thing. I would like to post pond the discussion till the spring (till then I could use some good advices and ideas )

Most of the time when the kids whine or create upsetting situations on purpose I do not nurse them. I definitely do not want to support this kind of behavior.

Kidspiration, we EC’d our kids as well from birth. My son potty trained at 10.5months and my daughter was a “late bloomer” for an EC-er, she potty trained at 18 months.

[runes]

Originally Posted by Yulia_R

Thank you guys for your replies and support.

I don't think that bringing the subject up for discussion is a good idea at this point. I think that trying to discuss it now, after I made a promise will make DH only more resistant and unsure about the whole nursing thing. I would like to post pond the discussion till the spring (till then I could use some good advices and ideas )

Most of the time when the kids whine or create upsetting situations on purpose I do not nurse them. I definitely do not want to support this kind of behavior.

Kidspiration, we EC’d our kids as well from birth. My son potty trained at 10.5months and my daughter was a “late bloomer” for an EC-er, she potty trained at 18 months.

Good idea to wait until the spring, since that was part of the original agreement, anyways.

Wow, your little ones were very early potty learners! Way to go, EC!

[readytobedone]

Originally Posted by Yulia_R

Also (which is true, I hate to admit) our kids are MUCH whinier around me than they are around DH. It does look like they are creating reasons to get upset and ask for a boobie (that does concern me as well, by the way).

<snip>

What would you do? Any advice/input will be appreciated.

i can't speak to a lot of this because my only child is just 20 months. but as for the whining bit, i think LOTS of kids (nurslings or not) are whinier around mom. whoever the primary attachment figure is, is the one they are going to expect the most of and let their "big feelings" out around. i really don't think it has anything to do with nursing; it just means your kids feel safest with you of anyone in the world.

what i would do is what *i* felt was right for myself and my kids. and if that meant weaning, i would wean. and if that meant not weaning, i would not. and i wouldn't allow DH's opinions to have any weight, though i would explain my decision to him--what i was doing and why i thought it was right.

[SereneBabe]

Originally Posted by anniegirl

If it were me I'd tell dh that I regretted promising to wean in the spring because I can't make guarantees like that. The nursing relationship is between you and your children and he doesn't get to say when or how it ends.

A huge ditto to that.