1 year later and the grief will NOT STOP

[brokenheart]

I'm not sure how to get past this. I terminated a (very very wanted) pregnancy one year ago. I am bipolar and I had such severe anxiety that I thought I was dying. Nobody helped me (since it was the holidays) and I terminated. Then my DH got a vasectomy. Believe me...this is NOT something I would have done had I been in my right mind (or on medication) and the grief, loss and guilt is something I've lived with for a year.

But my issue....my SIL had a baby born right around my due date. Now I'm finding I am angry. Stupid and senseless. I am finally an aunt and I can't enjoy it at all. I've seen the baby but I really avoid it. And I find it nearly unbearable when my mom or dad talk about the baby (how cute it is, how great of a mom SIL is, etc). They think I had a miscarriage, and I guess they think I'm over it. And really, of course they should be able to enjoy their new grandchild. But it kills me. I hate myself for feeling this way. I get snarky with them (and they have no idea why). I cut conversations short. I am irrational (telling them it isn't normal for the baby to sleep so much, etc). It is like I can't stop myself from being mean.

I am actually thinking about encouraging my DH to take an opportunity further away just so I can have distance. How did my life get so derailed? I just can't believe it. I'm so so soooo sad and it has been 1 full year. I seriously bet I cried more in 1 year than I have in all the years of my life put together. Insanity. My poor family.

[A&A]

Have you talked to a counselor?

[Mizelenius]

I'm so sorry.

[bremen]

just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and i sent you a pm

[brokenheart]

Thank you. I did see 2 separate counselors. Neither helped one bit. The first seemed to be at a loss for what to say (and I'm sure was following some type of "script"). The second didn't help either...she sort of tried to find ways for me to cope with anxiety but it didn't work. I have no idea what type of counselor to look for anymore. Basically how can I ever accept what I've done? How can I accept that I will never be pregnant again and I will never have another child? That is unacceptable. But it is reality. Lol, what does one do when reality is unacceptable?? :

[Phoenix_Rising]

I was thinking of you the other day and wondering how you were doing (I read your first thread and it touched me deeply). I wish you much healing and peace, mama. If you were here I'd offer you a cup of tea and just sit with you.

[Freud]

I just want you to know that there are therapists out there who actually help people. The one's with the scripts and "coping skills" aren't good. I hope you can find one who knows what they're doing. I would look for one who is a licensed psychologist and/or a therepist who specializes in grief work.

I hope that one day you will find peace.

[MoonStarFalling]

I had a long history of anxiety and depression and thankfully found a counselor who completely changed my life. I'm sure it's very frustrating to have already seen two that didn't help. I hope you find someone.

Have you thought about adoption?

[Katica]

I`m so sorry...

Have you thought about joining a group of women who went through the same thing? I`ve read a lot about Rachel`s Vineyard Ministries. They have a website, I think it is rachelsvineyard.org. It is a Christian organization though (I think Catholic). I`ve also seen their videos on Youtube.

[Blu Razzberri]

Has it really been a year...? Since our last discussion through PM's, I've thought of you from time to time, and wondered how you're doing. I'm sorry to hear it's not going so well.

Something I've found in my life in general, is that most of my healing and growth in life has come from my own self-teachings. For you, it's about understanding the situation, understanding why you had the abortion, understanding that it was medicine and situation driven. It's about learning to forgive yourself to the best of your ability. To do this, you have to do a lot of reflecting, and you have to re-live that time, embrace what you felt then and remember the mixed emotions. As I said before, you did the best you could with what you had at the time.

Create something special to honor your baby. Give your baby a name and celebrate his/her existence. Celebrate yearly like a birthday. Focus on the positive as much as you can -- give thanks that you were blessed to share your body with this little being. I know this is difficult because you feel like you've lost your baby, but at the same time, you know it's "your fault". Try to understand that it was because of the medication, and when you came to a place of understanding, it's the same as having lost a baby through the works of nature.

Do something to help others. It's not about being pro-life or pro-choice. Find a way to help other women who are in the position you were, figure out if abortion is really the way they want to go. You might be able to do this locally and in person; but if not, there are tons of websites with discussion boards, and places to share your story to help others who are at a decision crossroads.

Also, if it's something you want, discuss the possibility of vasectomy reversal with your DH.

And, as before, you're welcome to PM me and we can chat privately. hang in there, this will get easier in time.

[Smokering]

Can you ask your parents not to talk about SIL's baby? Tell them that losing your baby still haunts you and you're not ready to hear about another woman's child right now. You don't need to get into it any more deeply than that.

[swd12422]

I PMed you...

[Ifluffedthree]

(((hug)))

[freespirited]

((Hugs)) I wasn't sure I'd find any threads on this topic here on MDC but I'm glad to see we can talk about it. I, too, am still suffering from a pregnancy termination I had almost 9 months ago. The due date was 03-10-09 so these days approaching it have been difficult. I also wasn't in my right mind. I was very depressed. I wrote that on the patient info sheet but it was never discussed. It was the most emotionally devastating experience of my life. I did attend a Rachel's Vineyard retreat last fall and that helped me, but I am experiencing a lot of relief from my depression since I went gluten and sugar-free. I still have a lot of issues and I am going to seek counseling for them soon. I wanted my baby, but I was so depressed I felt like I was just falling apart at the seams and I had two other little ones and no money and lots of debt and all I saw was darkness ahead of me. I was in a terribly negative place. I realize that this is going to affect me for the rest of my life, but since I have tackled the depression that seemed to attack every cell of my being, I am beginning to see a little bit of light and I am enjoying my kids and husband more now and looking forward to things again. You just can't heal from this if you don't take care of the depression that caused you to do it in the first place.

Go easy on yourself, you are not to blame. You were not well. If you can find a Rachel's Vineyard retreat near you, I would recommend it highly. I felt so loved and cared about there. My husband went with me too. He was the only male retreatant but there were male staff members, and he benefitted a loy from it as well. Also think about looking for dietary causes for your manic depression. Going gluten-free helped me a lot, you might look into that. Someday sooner than you think you will be able to experience peace and joy again.

P.S. I know how you feel about your SIL's baby. My neighbor was pregnant about a month before Igot pregnant, she just had her baby. But I actually feel a little relieved when I see that tiny little newborn, I just don't feel I could have handled it at all. Then a few other women around me were pregnant and also due right around late winter/early spring. I felt like God was punishing me. It wasn't until I made the dietary changes that healed the organic cause of my depression that I could see these things in a different light. I don't get upset anymore. I feel a sense of relief instead of constant regret. If I could do it over again, I would not go through with the termination, but I can also now allow myself to feel a little relief. I visited the website for PASS, just google it and you will find it. They were very nice over on the grieving board.

[foreverinbluejeans]

I have a 20 year old son (almost 21) and one of his brothers recently had a baby. He thinks he doesn't want to have children because of the way he could treat his child because he has bipolar disorder. Many people with bipolar disorder even if they are on medicine are very difficult to life with. Having a bipolar parent has to be confusing for a child.

One of the forms of counseling used with people with bipolar disorder is cognative therapy. Cognative is about changing the way you think about something. It is really, really sad now that you don't (perhaps can't) have a baby. Not much can be done about it. However, it can be very difficult for children growing up with a parent, especially a mother, with bipolar disorder. Perhaps there are some things you can do to help fill the void. Brainstorming could help - get a dog, cat, go to graduate school, learn a new skill, edt.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[threadbey]

I'm so sorry. Many of the posts here have had good advice. I would also say that the "normal" grieving process is generally understood to take 2 years or more (significantly more if something is in the way of the grief, like your situation of secrecy about what happened and secrecy about how you feel about it amongst your own family). I hope things get better for you. Be gentle with yourself and try to appreciate what you do have and have had. Maybe try journaling about the experience?