"It offends me"

[mrsfatty]

Ok, I'm seriously in a fluster.

I cannot get "unworked up" about it...I cannot shake it...I'm unable to move on...

Long story short (and this won't be super short, cause I'm upset):
Xmas, I was asked/told I must breastfeed in a different room THROUGH ANOTHER PERSON (I wasn't even asked/told directly--they had someone else ask/tell me). Forget it. I've decided from now on (this is all after the fact), I will not attend functions, family or friends, that will not allow me to breastfeed WHEN AND WHERE I want/need to. It's not worth it to me anymore. If I'm not welcome when I have nurslings, so be it. That's not my choice, it's theirs.

All that is important, cause it was a family event--an extended family event. It's got me and my fellow breastfeeding sil worked up. And now, in our "immediate" family circle--it's so the drama. Immediate family is mad that we're "drawing a line" about it (although, technically, we're not the ones drawing the line--those who don't want us breastfeeding in their homes are drawing the line, but that's beside the point).

I participated in the facebook event Saturday where you change your userphoto to a breastfeeding image (picture o f you, sculpture, painting, cartoon, whatever--I choose a sculpture) and change your status line to "HEY FACEBOOK, BREASTFEEDING IS NOT OBSCENE!" Which started MORE drama. My brother made a comment on my status that he didn't want to "start it" with me and then proceeded to argue with my sil on her status (she participated as well).

I'm coming to the point, I swear We got in this long debate about breastfeeding and whether it's "right" or not for someone to breastfeed (more specifically in public). He went on about how offensive it was, how it's like urinating in public (I didn't let it fly), and when/how a breast should be appropriate. It comes down to, I make my final points and say I'm out of the debate cause I don't have time for it--that it's getting down to arguing for the sake of arguing. He ends with an "I quit" and goes on about modesty and how he doesn't want to see our boobs and how he obviously can't discuss it with us cause we're unable to NOT take it personally and "do whatever you want" and "It offends me. Life is too short to waste it pretending to be nice when someone does something that bothers you."

WHAT THE CRAP!?!

It makes me mad.

At the same time...I don't want to respond...but I do want to respond...cause eventually, I'll be breastfeeding when he's around again.

Apparently, *I'M* the "bad guy" cause I do "what I want" around him even though it offends him (which, by the way, is the first I've heard of it). Forget the fact is that I'm FEEDING MY CHILD!!!

How do you guys deal with that kind of family drama? Or that line of drama for that matter?

[readytobedone]

that sucks, i'm so sorry. the way i look at it, you don't have the right NOT to be offended. i'm offended by lots of things--pro-life bumper stickers, people "witnessing" to me religiously. but i don't think my being offended means they have to stop.

basically i'd say, "i'm sorry you're offended. but you don't have a right to be comfortable all the time. my baby does, however, have a right to eat."

[Ruthla]

Wow! I'm so glad my family is more understanding of how babies eat!

If I had any family members who treated me like that, I don't think I'd be seeing much of them until my kids were weaned.

[meganmarie]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. What a terrible thing that your family is not supportive of you AND...is willing to cause a rift over something like this. I'm glad at least your SIL is in the same boat with you so you don't feel totally isolated.

There are varying opinions on nursing in someone else's home - as opposed to in a truly public place - even on these boards. Some have argued that its "their home, their rules" (so if the host wants guests to nurse in private, guests should comply)... while others suggest that a host should think first of their guests' comfort before their own (so if the host doesn't like a guest nursing, they should smile politely and ignore it). I tend to fall into the latter camp, personally, although I understand the "logic" on both sides.

It sounds like this drama has gone way beyond a discussion of how the original situation at the family gathering could have/should have been handled with more politeness, good will and holiday spirit....and has now gone on to your brother openly insulting and degrading you for breastfeeding. Obviously that is nothing but horrible and I hope you don't doubt that you are doing the best for your baby by ignoring his opinion and others.

[blind_otter]

I don't see how breastfeeding is immodest, since breasts are made to nurse babies - not as sexual playthings. In my mother's country, women AND men take off their shirts when working in the hot sun in the rice paddies.

In any event, I agree with your idea to not frequent places that do not allow you to breastfeed openly.

[La Rune]

I just wanted to say how bad that makes me feel. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds really rough.

[mama2peyton]

I'm sorry you're going through such drama with your family...Mine is the same way. For the longest time I would leave the room to nurse if that's what was asked of me because as PP said "their home, their rules". Then there was a specific incident where my SIL asked me to not just leave the room, but to go nurse my baby in my car in the middle of summer because some of her family was uncomfortable. I make it clear now that I will nurse when and where I please, and if someone has a problem with that, I will not be coming back to their home...ever!

I think you have every right to be mad! But I also think it's pointless to debate with people like that, I doubt they'll ever see your side. I would say to your brother that if he's so offended by you feeding your child then he's welcome to go into the other room.

[thatblondegirl]

so did they want you to not nurse AT ALL, or just cover up more or whatever? i'll be honest, (and i just finished nursing my 20mo old) that seeing too much of a woman's breast makes me uncomfortable. i absolutely nurse in public, but i wear 2 shirts. i lift the top one up and bring the lower one down. i do get uncomfortable when i see the top of the shirt pulled down so there is a lot of breast showing. if i was wearing only one shirt, i put a blanket over my shoulder to cover up the majority of the skin showing. i don't see the problem with covering yourself up. the blanket doesn't go over baby's head, so it doesn't affect him at all. but it's just a little more modest i guess.

but if they were telling you that you can't nurse at all in their presence, well, that's messed up. i understand covering a bit, and respecting other people's comfort levels, but they need to understand that your child is hungry and you will feed them whenever, whereever.

[Emmeline II]

Life is too short to waste it pretending to be nice when someone does something that bothers you."

I'd respond, "on this we agree. When I'm nursing we'll ignore each other." I might add that breast are for nursing children and he should keep his sexual fetish for breasts private and not bother you with it .



Urinating is private; neither you or your baby do that in public view.

Eating is often public. Your baby has a right to eat and you have the right to participate in life.

It wasn't this dramatic, but I did say after a "nurse out of view" request, that if that is what they wanted then I would not attend any family events. My child (then one month old) nursed more often than not and if I left the room every time I might as well not be there.

[bscal]

Um yeah... we'd stay home. This is why when each of my kids were babies (and thus nursing all.the.time) I specifically requested that my mom host Christmas instead of my aunt. My mom supports me 100% on BF and my other parenting choices. My dad was a little uncomfortable at first... but we have a good relationship and have been able to converse about this a lot. It doesn't offend me if he leaves the room for a few minutes when I'm getting baby latched on.

As for your brother - shame on him. I, too, participated in the M.I.L.C. event on Facebook last Saturday. If anyone that I have as a "friend" on Facebook were offended and said something to me about it I'd remove them as a friend. My sister has gotten in my face a few times about nursing in front of her DD (when her DD was 2 yrs old and didn't think anything of it!) I just smiled and asked her if she'd found any farms to visit where the baby cows were all fed by bottles. She looked at me really funny and said "Baby cows don't need bottles..." to which I said "Neither do baby humans!" I didn't give her a hard time when she chose to FF her DD... but I refuse to take any crap from her (or anyone else) about nursing my babies.

Beth

[Tine]

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your brother or what sort of personality he has... But in our family, frankness among siblings is A-OK. When my sister started scolding me at our other sister's wedding for nursing my 7mo DD, I let her have it. (Something along the lines of "Shut the hell up" and "You have no idea what you're talking about.") She did shut up. Never said a word again after that. And we still have a good relationship.

Hugs. I know the frustration.

[Swan3]

Wish I could offer something helpful! All I know is that with the next babe (due next summer) there will be plenty of family events and I've already let DH know that I will not be forced into another room or blanketed "out of consideration" for others as MIL puts it. This time my young daughter will be watching and I want her to know that it's ok to nurse anytime anywhere.

[Swan3]

Originally Posted by Emmeline II

I'd respond, "on this we agree. When I'm nursing we'll ignore each other." I might add that breast are for nursing children and he should keep his sexual fetish for breasts private and not bother you with it .

:

[imagine21]

Originally Posted by readytobedone

basically i'd say, "i'm sorry you're offended. but you don't have a right to be comfortable all the time. my baby does, however, have a right to eat."

:

[SpiderMum]

NAK

I'd tell him to "deal with it". People are offended all the time by a variety of things...yet the world doesn't stop for them. He is an adult and should be able to deal with his own discomfort. Infants and toddlers, however, aren't able to do so...which is why we feed them whenever, wherever, and in the presence of whomever necessary.

[elizaMM]

Originally Posted by mrsfatty

How do you guys deal with that kind of family drama? Or that line of drama for that matter?

Sorry you had to deal with that. I would probably go for a jog. ;-)

I was asked ahead of time to cover up or retreat to a room at my niece's b-day party and I said I wouldn't and if they'd prefer I'd stay home I would. I did stay home. And I would do it again. But I will and have gone to their house since. Life is too short to not forgive. Especially family. I tried to nurse at Christmas, in another room but not hiding, but DS was not interested (we only had to stay 1.75 hrs :-) ) If I were asked on the spot to cover up or hide, I hope I would have the courage to refuse and tell them I would rather leave than do so, and leave if they indicated that was their preference.

And diddo to what the others said.

[KristyDi]

I'd tell my brother "On my priority scale offended grown up falls way below below hungry baby. I'm sorry you're uncomfortable, but you can not look or leave the room until you get over it. I won't be banished for feeding my child the way God intended."

[sapphire_chan]

Did you squirt your brother in the face or something? Because he's sure acting like an unbelievable UAV for someone who hasn't been smacked by a lactating breast.

ETA: Just to clarify, I mean that those actions would be the only excuses for his attitude, not that I think you did anything of the sort.

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by mrsfatty

ok, i'm seriously in a fluster.

I cannot get "unworked up" about it...i cannot shake it...i'm unable to move on...

Long story short (and this won't be super short, cause i'm upset):
Xmas, i was asked/told i must breastfeed in a different room through another person (i wasn't even asked/told directly--they had someone else ask/tell me). Forget it. I've decided from now on (this is all after the fact), i will not attend functions, family or friends, that will not allow me to breastfeed when and where i want/need to. It's not worth it to me anymore. If i'm not welcome when i have nurslings, so be it. That's not my choice, it's theirs.

All that is important, cause it was a family event--an extended family event. It's got me and my fellow breastfeeding sil worked up. And now, in our "immediate" family circle--it's so the drama. Immediate family is mad that we're "drawing a line" about it (although, technically, we're not the ones drawing the line--those who don't want us breastfeeding in their homes are drawing the line, but that's beside the point).

I participated in the facebook event saturday where you change your userphoto to a breastfeeding image (picture o f you, sculpture, painting, cartoon, whatever--i choose a sculpture) and change your status line to "hey facebook, breastfeeding is not obscene!" which started more drama. My brother made a comment on my status that he didn't want to "start it" with me and then proceeded to argue with my sil on her status (she participated as well).

I'm coming to the point, i swear we got in this long debate about breastfeeding and whether it's "right" or not for someone to breastfeed (more specifically in public). He went on about how offensive it was, how it's like urinating in public (i didn't let it fly), and when/how a breast should be appropriate. It comes down to, i make my final points and say i'm out of the debate cause i don't have time for it--that it's getting down to arguing for the sake of arguing. He ends with an "i quit" and goes on about modesty and how he doesn't want to see our boobs and how he obviously can't discuss it with us cause we're unable to not take it personally and "do whatever you want" and "it offends me. Life is too short to waste it pretending to be nice when someone does something that bothers you."

what the crap!?!

It makes me mad.

At the same time...i don't want to respond...but i do want to respond...cause eventually, i'll be breastfeeding when he's around again.

Apparently, *i'm* the "bad guy" cause i do "what i want" around him even though it offends him (which, by the way, is the first i've heard of it). Forget the fact is that i'm feeding my child!!!

How do you guys deal with that kind of family drama? Or that line of drama for that matter?

walk away!

[Tine]

Originally Posted by KristyDi

"On my priority scale offended grown up falls way below below hungry baby. I'm sorry you're uncomfortable, but you can not look or leave the room until you get over it. I won't be banished for feeding my child the way God intended."

Perfect! :